LakesideDream Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I have some experiance with this "wife has had a relationship for decades stuff". It's a powerful thing believe me. I'm suprised you believe, or are positive it hasn't been physical since you have been married. No matter. Sure recovery is possible. Counseling blah blah. Anything is possible. If I were you OP I would listen to Carhill. Had I found out what you have after only 5-8 years, I promise you I would have saved the next 16-19 years of my life. I didn't find out for sure for 25. Kids were raised, it was time for her to be with him. She is. My opinion? She's a walk away waiting to happen. The more pressure you put on her the more likely she'll put on those boots made for walking.
Author Kingrat Posted December 8, 2008 Author Posted December 8, 2008 OP, exactly how did you come to learn about this friend and the nature of your W's involvement with him? This past February I overheard a conversation she was having with him. She had a tone of voice that I had not heard in her since we dating. I had an awfull night thinking about this "friend". Next day I send her an email telling her what I had overheard and I told her I was deeply troubled. She called me crying saying she only wanted to be with me and bla bla bla... she said she will not talk to him anymore. She said he was a "friend" she never told me he was an "ex". Fast forward to October... she joined facebook... the first person she added before anyone else was this "friend". I confronted her, she igonred me. I became even more suspicious, So I started to pay attention to some details. There was some flirting going on in Facebook messages. I saw her phone records and I realized there were calls thoughout the year... not that frequent, but they will talk and sms for periods of time. I saw one day that my wife send him a TEXT message at 4:57AM (very suspicious time) and I simply cannot recall where was I that day. I put some pressure on her one day and I got her to admit they had sex before we met. So she did acknowledge that he was more than a "friend" Then after I came home from a business trip I was able to recover a chat she had with him where he ask her "when are you going to jump my bones?" to which she replied... "I don't know... maybe I can plan a trip and let you know in advance" I confronted her; she had a moment of clarity... she recognized "he makes me feel pretty"... after that she closed out again. She insists that he is a "friend". Last monday I came home and she was talking on the phone. She pretended she was talking to her best friend but in reality she was talking to a restricted number. She had already spoken to her friend for 1 hour so my theory she was on the phone with him. Now I'm suspicious of everything she does.
imagine Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Okay, this is the last time I'm going to say it. Marriagebuilders: Plan A. Start reading. You are SO overdue.
carhill Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 OP, the essence of plan A is to separate the WS from the OM in a non-threatening, non-judgemental and supportive way. IMO, to enact such a plan requires taking a hard look at yourself, your personality, your motives, your communication style and your contribution to the erosion of your marriage. If your W has known this man as long as you say and they've been sexually intimate, but never had a full relationship, there may be unrequited love/infatuation involved, and this is a powerful attractant. Beware of this. I've never followed the marriagebuilder plans, but the essence of what I read there follows to a large degree the same process our psychologist used with us. He encouraged shared responsibility for the M and each of us taking personal responsibility for our respective actions, all couched in a neutral and non-threatening environment. I'm here to tell you that it will be hard for your wife to give up a man she's known so long and been so close to. It will be exceedingly hard. It will be necessary for that to happen to repair your marriage. It's going to take a lot of time. It took me nearly a year of MC to begin to see the light in an honest way. Best wishes! P.S. - To your knowledge, is this "friend" married?
Author Kingrat Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Okay, this is the last time I'm going to say it. Marriagebuilders: Plan A. Start reading. You are SO overdue. I'm on it. reading like maniac.
Author Kingrat Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 P.S. - To your knowledge, is this "friend" married? Thanks for your kind words. He is divorced; and now he is a total player, I doubt he has intentions to ever get married... with someone other than my wife.
carhill Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 In my definition of relational dynamics, players are formidable, as they overwhelmingly care the least and, hence, have the most control of the dynamic. If your W and this man have had a rubber band relationship (on and off over a long time), and, especially if it went on while he was married....oh, boy
Author Kingrat Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 In my definition of relational dynamics, players are formidable, as they overwhelmingly care the least and, hence, have the most control of the dynamic. If your W and this man have had a rubber band relationship (on and off over a long time), and, especially if it went on while he was married....oh, boy This guy definitively says the right things... He is not going away. He calls himself a "person of value" in facebook. I have thought about talking to him personally but I realize that the issue here is WW, not him. I just cant believe how much denial WW is in. 16 days ago she told me to my face that she would talk to him in 2 days. Now she has completely ignored her commitment and continues life normally.
TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 If you are not providing consequences to her behavior, you are enabling it. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying going off the deep end or getting crazy nuts, angry, emotional. I am just saying there needs to be a simple clear message from you that this behavior is ending your marriage.
Owl Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Even plan A has "teeth"...or what's sometimes referred to as the "stick". You let the WS suffer the consequences of their adultery. You expose the affair to those persons in their life that would influence them to end it. You set boundaries about what you'll accept in your interactions with them, and you confront and enforce those boundaries when broken. TIY is right.
Winnie B. Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 You will get all kinds of advices,as there are different kinds of people and opinions, even one person can advise you several options , but the real thing is that by keeping your This family you will spoil your life. It sounds brutal,but it`s true unfortunately . She had done this,she had been into another guy,she knows him for 16 years and they are friends,and now you know they actually are more than friends,what else you need to know that you are not a Couple with your wife any more and maybe for a lot of time already which you had not known? It`s sad,but divorce is not killing . It`s a cut to be done once and to forget it.To start a new life . But if you decide to stay in This your family,you will not get your wife`s love back ,and your kid actually will suffer even living in the family with no signs ,even seeds of love ..... I am apologising not to give you a hope. But I am very human . I cannot lie . Wishing you the best . Cut it and start a new life . You may be very happy with some other woman, like she may be also hap..........ooops,do not think of her ,ok,it hurts ,I know .. But you can definitely be happier in some other relationship . Be stronger.
TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Exposure is key. Affairs thrive on secrecy. She's going to be angry. She's going to blame you. She's going to do everything in her power to rationalize her behavior. That's just her emotions getting the best of her. You are forcing her to choose between you or him. She'd prefer to have it both ways, and she will, if you allow her to do so. That's why you need to up the ante and call her on immature and selfish actions. I know there is hesitation, because you feel powerless and that if you force it, you will get the response you don't want. Let's be blunt. She's wrong. You're right. She needs to make a decision of either working it out or moving on with something she's unsure of. Do not let her build her romance under your roof. If you act like a doormat, she'll treat you like one.
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