I'm so scared of how I feel...

[D-Lish]

I've been seeing a guy for about 7 weeks. We have a teriffic time together, we are on the same page, laugh uncontrollably, incredible chemistry. I think I am falling hard for him.

 

The problem is that as soon as my feelings progressed, I began to get anxious about having no control over my feelings. All of a sudden I am experiencing that familiar feeling of insecurity that has caused problems in my relationships before.

 

Ever since my marriage fell apart, I have had major trust issues and haven't really allowed myself to get too close to anyone.

 

We started out casually dating and soon found out that both of us liked one another a lot more than either of us expected. He rarely introduces girls to his friends- but he brought me to a function where I met everyone. I think it freaked him out a little bit because his friends went on and on to him that he had found a great catch.

 

We are both leery of intimacy- but our level of intimacy when we are together is very intense. I believe he is scared as well- and a part of me fears he may back off because of that fear.

 

He goes through small phases where he backs off a little bit- as do I. I really want to let my guard down and just let things happen, but I am having trouble doing so.

 

As of yet, I haven't done anything to sabotage our relationship with one another. He has admitted to me that he really likes me.

 

Initially, he had stated that he was travelling across Canada (he's from Ireland on a visa)... and didn't want to get serious with anyone. But things have since changed. He is settled with a job and is looking into staying in Canada permanently.

 

I have never been so compatible with anyone in my life. From the moment we met it was pure chemistry, very electric yet also comforting.

 

I am on my way to falling in love with him. When we are together, neither of us want our time to end.

 

I just want to relax and enjoy him. I have played everything so cool outwardly- but am squirming on the inside. I never push him to tell me how he feels- so there is no pressure. I want to keep it that way.

 

We probably see one another 3 days of the week due to my hectic schedule. The sex is incredible- best I have ever had. He's smart, super witty and always silly (which I love). I can be "me" 100% of the time around him.

 

I believe that he is moving towards being more serious, but I don't ask him. He however has asked me to tell him how I really feel about him.

 

I know he has a history of being a rogue. Not in the sense that he is a player... just in the sense that he hasn't wanted to settle down in the past few years.

 

I think he is conflicted at the moment (I can feel it actually). I know he loves being with me and wants to keep things as they are between us. But I also know he does want to travel a little more in the future. He had planned on going west this month, but has picked up a job and extended his lease for 2 more months.

 

I guess I just want to feel secure with him before I let go.

All the right actions are there on his part- but I don't actually know where 'we stand". I am not going to ask- I don't pressure guys (a learned behaviour).

 

My plan is to just keep it low pressure and continue to have fun.

Unfortunately- I am freaking a bit on the inside.

 

I have it in the back of my head that he could break my heart, he has that power, even though I haven't told him so.

 

It would be such a shame to lose this man. We have so much fun together- everything is so easy with us. I haven't had that before, not since my husband.

 

I don't want to get my heart broken. If I stay with him, I'll fall in love.

I'm already on the way.

 

How do people remain calm in this situation?

I don't want to screw this one up.

[Konfuzion]

Sounds like its time to let go and live a little.

[D-Lish]

I'm living a lot with him actually... lol.

 

He awoke in a tired stupor the other morning and as we were cuddling before I had to leave he blurted out "let's live together, I don't want to deal with missing you anymore".

 

Is that indicative of a guy who doesn't like me a lot? Is it something someone really tired might say in the heat of the moment? I wouldn't move in with him obviously- and he probably wasn't serious... but as much as I saw it as a joke... Is that something a guy would say regardless of his sleepy state?

 

I wonder what the signifigance is when a guy asks me to tell him how I feel about him- and wants me to be specific. Is it an ego stroke? Is he feeling me out?

[Star Gazer]

I get so excited reading your post D!

 

I say just give in. Let go. Enjoy it. The potential reward is SO worth the risk.

[Konfuzion]

I'm living a lot with him actually... lol.

 

He awoke in a tired stupor the other morning and as we were cuddling before I had to leave he blurted out "let's live together, I don't want to deal with missing you anymore".

 

Is that indicative of a guy who doesn't like me a lot? Is it something someone really tired might say in the heat of the moment? I wouldn't move in with him obviously- and he probably wasn't serious... but as much as I saw it as a joke... Is that something a guy would say regardless of his sleepy state?

 

I wonder what the signifigance is when a guy asks me to tell him how I feel about him- and wants me to be specific. Is it an ego stroke? Is he feeling me out?

 

Stop over thinking it and have fun!!!

[jerbear]

I'm excited to hear this. Congrats!

[norajane]

I wonder what the signifigance is when a guy asks me to tell him how I feel about him- and wants me to be specific. Is it an ego stroke? Is he feeling me out?

 

He wants to know if you're on the same page as him, so he needs you to spell it out so he can be sure.

 

Give it a go, D!

[Isolde]

Don't be scared. There are no guarantees in life ever, but what you're feeling is beautiful, no question about it.

[V.Vixen]

I remember you talking about your first date with him!

 

Go with it! I would feel the same way, as I am coming out of a failed marriage too, but the best things in life are a risk, and right now I would love to be in the situation to even have the chance to feel that way about someone. Please don't waste it out of fear. Take the plunge and enjoy it.

[shockandawed]

D,

 

I can so relate to what you are going through. I am about 4 months into a relationship that has all you speak of. I don't fall often, but I have this time and the insecurities are wicked.

 

I think I have kept them hidden for the most part. I would imagine you are already past the point of heartbreak should something happen.

 

Remind yourself of that and the fact that a lifetime of what ifs and regrets last a lot longer than heartbreak.

 

Let yourself go and see how high this can go.

[Capricciosa]

It all sounds good. And a guy wouldn't just say something like that because he was tired. Maybe you can wander a bit together.

[Ariadne]

Hey D-Lish,

 

This sounds great!

 

Glad to hear you are happy and having wonderful (the best) moments with this guy.

 

I remember you saying that you had a hard time falling in love, well, this guy has potential.

 

And now you don't have your business and you are free to do whatever you want, so you can go travelling with him too for a while. You can be his guide

[xpaperxcutx]

D- Lish, I'm happy for you.

 

Listen, don't be scared you're going to mess up a good thing, it's just nerves because you have something great happening to you. Take it one step at a time, three months is still considered a relatively short time to worry about where things are going. Just enjoy your time together, and let it steer itself. Love is a rollercoaster, and you don't want to get off it just yet.

[flc]

I also know how you feel, I have been exclusive with a women now for 6 mos after divorcing last year. I certainly love her but I still find myself holding back a bit since in the back of my mind I am always thinking about whether I want to ever get married again. Silly since neither of us are thinking of marriage at this point.

 

I just try to work hard on not thinking too far into the future and just enjoying the time we have together. I want to just let things happen and the future will be whatever it is. Not always easy though.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I think he is conflicted at the moment (I can feel it actually). I know he loves being with me and wants to keep things as they are between us. But I also know he does want to travel a little more in the future. He had planned on going west this month, but has picked up a job and extended his lease for 2 more months.

 

I guess I just want to feel secure with him before I let go.

All the right actions are there on his part- but I don't actually know where 'we stand". I am not going to ask- I don't pressure guys (a learned behaviour).

 

 

First of all, I'm so happy you have met such a great guy that you have amazing chemistry with. Doesn't happen very often.

 

I quoted the two paragraphs that stood out to me. You can feel he is conflicted and you don't know where you guys stand because the hasn't made it clear that he wants to be with you. The truth is he probably isn't quite where you are at right now. He may be well on his way, but he 's not there yet, and until he is, I don't think you can totally let go. I feel like the person who is the "slower" one in the relationship is the person who needs to take it to the next level. If you try and he is still not there, I feel like that may make him freeze up a little. It's a great sign that he extended the visa. Could you guys go traveling together? That is a GREAT way to see how compatible you really are.

[D-Lish]

We had another great few days together- I dropped him off at work this afternoon after having him at my house for 2 nights. Our time together is just amazing. We're playful, constantly laughing, and he always has his hands on me (super affectionate).

 

We were drifting off to sleep the other night after a couple drinks and he said in a sleepy state that he was faling in love with me. He also jokes alot about getting married. We'll be laughing and having a great time and he'll just blurt it out "let's get married". I know he's kidding around- but I also think you don't just throw statements like that around if you don't really like someone.

 

I was driving him to work today and we were passing lots of bridal shops- he jokingly asked if I wanted to stop in and look at dresses.

 

He has two friends also from Ireland who are living here that have met Canadian girls and are getting married to them. He told me that one night he was drinking with his best friend and the friend asked how things were going with us and my guy told him we had gotten married. He said he had his friend believing it to the point where he was pissed he hadn't been invited to the ceremony. When I met the friend he pulled me aside and told me that if we went behind his back and got hitched that he'd kill us both. lol.

 

So- we have this joking banter going back and forth all the time about serious stuff, but it's always in the context of humour.

 

This weekend I told him I was going to miss him when he headed out west and he asked me if I'd consider coming with him. I think I would consider it.

 

It is scary though, to be so head over heels for someone.

 

One thing that is upsetting me is that he told me has two friends coming in from Ireland in town this next weekend- but he didn't invite me to come along. those are the kinds of mixed messages that bother me a bit. I'm not sure why he isn't asking me to come along with him. I'm a bit bugged by that. It has me wondering if perhaps he isn't as serious about us as I may be about him.

 

Also- concerning x-mas, I asked him to come to my parents for x-mas dinner and he said he had already accepted an invitation to have dinner with his best friend and gf and her family. he did say 'come along with me"... but I am not sure if it was a half assed invitation or not.

 

So I guess, that as much as I really like him, I'm still not exactly sure where I stand.

 

Both of us still have our plentyoffish dating profiles up- and I am not sure about taking mine down or not. I think I'll wait to see if he does it first.

 

He's got 9 months left before his visa expires.

[Isolde]

 

Both of us still have our plentyoffish dating profiles up- and I am not sure about taking mine down or not. I think I'll wait to see if he does it first.

 

 

This is awkward.

[D-Lish]

It's always awkward to deal with those damn profiles.

I once dated someone for 3 months before he took his profile down. I never said anything- just one day noticed it was down and I immediately took mine down.

 

I did check this morning and saw he hasn't been active for over a week- which means he isn't checking mail or sending it.

 

I think he had it in his head that he would breeze across Canada and meet lots of random girls along the way. I am sure that meeting me was unexpected- he says so himself.

 

Our sex life is out of this world.

But I guess sexual attraction wears off.

I've never been with someone that makes me laugh so much and so hard. He feels the same. We're either laughing, cuddling or having sex. I can't even tell you how long it's been since I had such a connection.

 

He's a confident little bugger too. We've been out several times and he will come back from the bathroom to find other guys chatting me up- he always finds it amusing. I like that about him, that he isn't jealous. he actually usually ends up charming the guys and they are telling me by the end of the night that I've got a great guy. he just has one of those personalities that people gravitate toward. That impresses me about him.

 

I really don't enjoy "liking" someone- it truly does throw me off. I am trying to play this one super cool. No sabotaging behaviour, which is my trademark when I like someone.

 

I want to be with him, plain and simple. I love taking care of him, doing his laundry, cooking for him and basically looking after him. I've never had that nurturing instinct in a relationship. I feel completely unselfish withe him.

 

It's all such a new experience for me. I do think that if he does go off travelling on his own without me that i will break things off. I know he's end up back in Toronto at some time, so we might be able to pick things up where we left off if that occurs.

[Trialbyfire]

I want to be with him, plain and simple. I love taking care of him, doing his laundry, cooking for him and basically looking after him. I've never had that nurturing instinct in a relationship. I feel completely unselfish withe him.

 

It's all such a new experience for me. I do think that if he does go off travelling on his own without me that i will break things off. I know he's end up back in Toronto at some time, so we might be able to pick things up where we left off if that occurs.

D, you're a goner! Just enjoy it. Whether this lasts or not, isn't as important as you being happy in the now. You deserve some happiness.

[Capricciosa]

I don't know. I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. Things sound amazing, but they happened quite fast and he still has a life outside of you. (Be thankful--I have had foreign boyfriends and it's a big burden that they don't know anyone else in town). Let him do a little bit of his thing, and you do some of yours

[pollywolly]

I hope everything works out for you! I could have written your first post; I was with a man that everything just clicked! It was awesome! We were both scared but we couldn't help it, the chemistry was great. We knew we were in love. We were together for 2 months and then out of the blue last week, he broke it off. I am devastated and don't know what to do...

[D-Lish]

I don't know. I think you're getting a little ahead of yourself. Things sound amazing, but they happened quite fast and he still has a life outside of you. (Be thankful--I have had foreign boyfriends and it's a big burden that they don't know anyone else in town). Let him do a little bit of his thing, and you do some of yours

 

He has an active social life outside of us. Several of his friends are living here as well on a visa. I make it a point to do my own thing as does he pretty regularly.

 

We hung out yesterday and today and then he went to work... The last 24 hours we spent together felt awkward for the first time. He was a bit "off" and distant. This is causing me a bit of panic.

 

There was a lot of mixed signals. One moment he is talking about taking a trip together and the next he clams up. He always asks when we will see one another again- and this time he did not. Also, he has a function to go to with his friends this coming weekend and he didn't ask me to come as he usually would.

 

I pretend I am unphased and continue to act cool, but I think he might be distancing himself from me.

 

I am just going to give him space and let him come to me for a little bit. I have a weird feeling he is going to break things off. I hope it's just me being insecure, but I just have that looming feeling.

[Isolde]

He has an active social life outside of us. Several of his friends are living here as well on a visa. I make it a point to do my own thing as does he pretty regularly.

 

We hung out yesterday and today and then he went to work... The last 24 hours we spent together felt awkward for the first time. He was a bit "off" and distant. This is causing me a bit of panic.

 

There was a lot of mixed signals. One moment he is talking about taking a trip together and the next he clams up. He always asks when we will see one another again- and this time he did not. Also, he has a function to go to with his friends this coming weekend and he didn't ask me to come as he usually would.

 

I pretend I am unphased and continue to act cool, but I think he might be distancing himself from me.

 

I am just going to give him space and let him come to me for a little bit. I have a weird feeling he is going to break things off. I hope it's just me being insecure, but I just have that looming feeling.

 

D-Lish, I have a feeling things are weird because he's going through a re-assessment phase. He probably feels just as scared as you are right now.

 

Remember, if you guys temporarily break things off while he travels, he may come back more sure of what he wants. Or he may not. Try to breathe...

 

Also, is he aware how much you like him? It may be time to stop holding back so much. I'm not saying go all clingy and psycho, but just say something cute... you know.

[Capricciosa]

 

There was a lot of mixed signals. One moment he is talking about taking a trip together and the next he clams up. He always asks when we will see one another again- and this time he did not. Also, he has a function to go to with his friends this coming weekend and he didn't ask me to come as he usually would.

 

I pretend I am unphased and continue to act cool, but I think he might be distancing himself from me.

 

I am just going to give him space and let him come to me for a little bit. I have a weird feeling he is going to break things off. I hope it's just me being insecure, but I just have that looming feeling.

 

How's your instinct about these things usually? Right on or clouded by old wounds and insecurities? I just ask because I can get negative and frightened when nothing too dire is happening. I've got abandonment issues, so what I feel about a situation is not always the truth. I would just hang back and watch his actions for a little while, trying not to get caught up in my own expectations (both positive and negative). I feel for you though.

[garnet]

Hi D,

 

Just wanted to clarify...you said that his dating profile hasn't been active for the past week. You guys have by all indications been a couple for some time. Do you mean that until this past week he's been checking out the dating site and communicating with other girls?

 

If I was as close and intimate with someone as you seem to be with him, I would never be able to handle something like that. Call me old-fashioned, but that would REALLY bother me.