What Does this Sound Like?

[gennamoon]

Hi everyone...wasn't sure if this was the place to post this or not, but it seemed like the most logical place...so here goes...

 

There's this guy that I really like, but unfortunately he has a girlfriend. Here's the backstory...I met him about eight years ago. We were both single, but I was 23 and new to the whole going out, meeting people thing. Anyway, he is the brother of a friend's boyfriend (now husband) so that's how I met him. We would talk and talk when we would see each other. I really liked him, but never had the guts to ask him out. I met another guy and we started to date. I found out several months later that the other guy wanted to ask me out...

 

Fast forward to this past May...I was dating a guy who just happens to be really good friends with the guy from eight years ago (we are all in the same circle) brother. The guy from eight years ago had moved about 20 minutes out of town to get away from everyone and the guy I was dating had moved across the street. They would hang out occasionally since they knew each other through the brother. We went over there one Friday night and I was really excited to see him because it had been so long. I met his girlfriend, but could tell there were problems. Anyway, we hung out for awhile, then left his place.

 

In July the guy I was dating broke up with me. We still continued to "see" each other for a few months, but things started to really get on my nerves the beginning of October. I went out on a Saturday night; which is not my night to go out (I have two little girls) and when I walked in there was the guy from eight years ago. He NEVER comes to town. I went over to say hi and sat down beside him. We ended up leaving our friends (separately...because he's still with the girl and I'm still sort of involved with his brother's friend) and went to another bar. As the night wore on, he starts telling me how he talked me up to my ex when we first started dating, how he wanted to ask me out eight years ago, but didn't. He said, "What would have happened if we had gone out?" He started saying how he thought it was weird that of all the nights he decides to come to town I ended up being there...on and on. He told me a lot about his problems with his girlfriend...she lives over an hour away and has a slight drinking problem. He kept telling me about how she keeps telling him about a guy in her neighborhood that her friends what to hook her up with, how they fight all of the time. He said she will hold stuff in and then after he leaves, she'll email him at work the next morning and just go off. He said he was exhausted.

 

Anyway, we parted ways, but I went down to talk to him the next night at his place. Nothing happened because I told him that it was weird seeing that he still had his girl and was still somewhat involved with his brother's friend. Two weeks later, the guy I was still involved with ended things completely. I called the other guy a few days later to tell him what was going on...needed a friend. We were to meet for coffee, but he called and said that him and the girl had gotten into a huge fight the weekend before, but after decided they were going to give it another shot. He said if he saw me, he knew it would bring up a bunch of stuff with him. He said that he would keep me updated with what was going on.

 

Two weeks later, I get a text from him that said, "more fighting". She had gotten drunk and kicked him out of her house. I went down to listen to him talk about things. She has two kids. Her oldest is a son and his dad has no contact with him. The guy told me that he feels like he would be abadonning her son. The son saw her yelling at him that night when she got drunk and stepped in to tell her to calm down. I said to him, "You know when her son gets older he's going to eventually leave and then it will be just you and her. Will you be happy with just her?" He said, "no." He repeatedly kept saying how calm he feels around me, how nice it is being around, etc, etc. I ended up spending the night...in my clothes, because it was after 3am when we got done talking. We did kiss, but that was the end of it.

 

So, two weeks ago, I get a random text from him. His grandmother had died and he was in town was wondering what I was doing. We met up and he told me he had been thinking a lot about what I said the last time we saw each other. He said he even mentioned it to his mom and his mom agreed with what I had said. Things got a lot more heated with us...no clothes off or anything like that just lots of kissing. I eventually told him I had to go. I told him that he needed to figure some stuff out...that I really like him, but want to be able to spend time with him.

 

Last week, I found out the guy I had been seeing is now dating my best friend of ten years. I was shocked because she had lied to me about it and him and I had been together six weeks prior. Anyway, I texted the other guy on Sunday because I wanted to tell him what I had found out. I said, "Boy, do I have news for you." He sent back, "Can't talk 2nite. She's here." So, I didn't bother sending anything back because why would I? The next afternoon he sent me a text, "So, what's this news you want to tell me?" So, I told him what I found out and heard nothing. I sent him something on Tuesday saying I wanted to talk, but go nothing.

 

Now, I know what everyone is going to say, but I just need some outsiders opinions. I think it's weird that after eight years, he still holds a torch for me...that we just happened to run into each other on a night that neither one of us would be out. He has removed himself from that group of people that I sometimes hang out with because he was sick of they way they acted. He only keeps in contact with some of them because his brother is in the thick of the group. He told me nobody even bothers with him anymore because he moved out of town and he's cool with that. I'm just confused. I know that I'll hear from him at some point, but I don't know if I should get in touch with him and basically tell him that until he makes a decision about his girlfriend not to call me? Ugh...

[frannie]

Well what I think it sounds like is the thread 'Am I Clueless?' by SierraRose, and I think you should check out that thread. In particular this idea that there is something particularly special in this:

 

I think it's weird that after eight years, he still holds a torch for me...that we just happened to run into each other on a night that neither one of us would be out.

 

SR asked the same question about a MM who would keep coming back, and as people pointed out, it's because you're not saying NO, and you're proving time and again to be receptive to his chit chat, which always gets him results. That's why it can go on for years.

 

For the rest of it, here's my take on what's going on:

 

We ended up leaving our friends (separately...because he's still with the girl ...)

 

This shows he's already up front planning on being deceptive, and on something happening, otherwise why all the subterfuge?

 

... He started saying how he thought it was weird that of all the nights he decides to come to town I ended up being there...on and on.

 

Typical romantic hogwash... it was written in the stars blah-di-blah, fate yada yada

 

He told me a lot about his problems with his girlfriend...she lives over an hour away and has a slight drinking problem... how they fight all of the time. He said she will hold stuff in and then after he leaves, she'll email him at work the next morning and just go off. He said he was exhausted.

 

Well no need to comment on this is there? If she's so horrible then why's he still with her? They're just boyfriend and girlfriend after all. And another thing (while I'm not commenting!), a man who will talk like this about his girlfriend is nothing but a PIG.

 

... him and the girl had gotten into a huge fight the weekend before, but after decided they were going to give it another shot.

 

Yeah, she's so awful he is giving it another shot. No doubt at this point you start asking why?? So no doubt you ask him...

 

... Two weeks later, I get a text from him that said, "more fighting". She had gotten drunk and kicked him out of her house. I went down to listen to him talk about things. She has two kids. Her oldest is a son and his dad has no contact with him. The guy told me that he feels like he would be abadonning her son.

 

Aww how can you argue with that one??

 

Oh, but you do, because you know it's illogical clap trap and a story full of holes. So you try logic:

 

 

... I said to him, "You know when her son gets older he's going to eventually leave and then it will be just you and her. Will you be happy with just her?" He said, "no." He repeatedly kept saying how calm he feels around me, how nice it is being around, etc, etc. I ended up spending the night...

 

Yep, logic is met with more soft soap about your calming influence... cue you backing off so he doesn't get all het up. After all, you don't want to turn into his harridan of a girlfriend. But no doubt he made a note of your logical arguments against his ridiculous position.

 

So, two weeks ago, I get a random text from him. ... he told me he had been thinking a lot about what I said the last time we saw each other... Things got a lot more heated with us...no clothes off or anything like that just lots of kissing.

 

Smooth as you like, he's been 'thinking about' what you said, and he thinks you're right! Not only that but mother does too. And that buys him enough credit to get some more make-out time.

 

Last week... I texted the other guy on Sunday because I wanted to tell him what I had found out. I said, "Boy, do I have news for you." He sent back, "Can't talk 2nite. She's here." ... The next afternoon he sent me a text, "So, what's this news you want to tell me?" So, I told him what I found out and heard nothing. I sent him something on Tuesday saying I wanted to talk, but go nothing.

 

Hm. And finally, you have some news for him. But of course, being with a girlfriend, and she's obviously on one of her not-drunk perfectly reasonable g/f evenings, he has no time at all for you. Also, it's suddenly inconvenient that you're suddenly single and will be expecting a lot more than a bit of making out and lip service to your perfectly logical arguments, so you hear nothing.

 

Expect to hear nothing unless you're prepared to roll over, don't question his 'stuckness' with anything approaching logic, and at all times sympathise with him having to live with a drunk.

 

Hope that wasn't too harsh, and in another way I hope it was. Not meaning to bash. But yes, in my opinion you should give him a wide berth unless he can come up with a lot more than this sorry situation. And in any case, always be wary of a man who would diss his girlfriend like that. Just in case one day you're in her shoes.

[gennamoon]

Frannie...by no means are you being harsh about this...I posted this on here because it's more or less what I began to think about the situation just wanted some other opinions. I'll read that other post you suggested. My plan is to just let it go and see what happens. If he contacts me again; which I'm sure he will, I'm going to tell him that until he ditches the girl that I'm not going to wait around. I don't want to be the "go to" girl everytime he has a horrible weekend with his girlfriend. He's obviously miserable with her, but like you said...she's only a girlfriend so if you're that miserable then you leave (which is what I've been saying). I mean I'm one for trying to work things out, but you can only do that for so long. Life is short and why spend that time miserable when you could be happy.

 

Thanks for your input...if anyone has anything else to add, please feel free.

[Billie63]

It does sound like he's using you as a shoulder to cry on, but isn't really interested in you and your problems.

 

He was very abrupt with you - unnecessarily so. Ask yourself about the time you've spent with him and the conversations you've had. Would you say he's done most of the talking? And it was mainly about himself?

 

Also, there's some men out there who love the crazy ladies and he could just be one?

 

If I were you I'd put him to the test. Do not contact him in any shape or form. When he does contact you simply tell him that you are backing off from him as you respect his relationship. Put the ball in his court.

[gennamoon]

Billie...thanks for your input also. Honestly, we both equally do talking. I listen to him about his issues and he has listened to me complain about mine. In fact, he has given me a lot of great advice about some of the things I've been dealing with. We've talked about other things aside from the crap going on in our lives. I believe that the reason I didn't hear from him after I told him what I had found out about my ex friend and ex boyfriend was because he knew that he couldn't step up to the plate and be there for me in the capacity that I would need him to be because of his girlfriend. I agree that when I hear from him again (and I guarantee I will...let them have a crappy weekend together) that I'm going to tell him that he can call me when he gets out of his situation. I was actually practicing my speech this morning in my kitchen (because I'm certain it will be sooner than later that I have to give it).

 

Again, thanks for your insight

[OWoman]

He's obviously miserable with her, but like you said...she's only a girlfriend so if you're that miserable then you leave (which is what I've been saying).

 

Yet you didn't either when in that situation, despite "things really getting on your nerves", you wanted for your BF to dump you - then still hung around and "sort of" continued seeing him until he outright dumped you for your BFF. It seems that that's what this guy is doing too - he's unwilling to be the one to make the break, however horrible things are, so he's waiting around - like you did - until he gets dumped. And then perhaps, like you did too, he'll wait around even longer "sort of" seeing her until he gets dumped with finality by the arrival of someone new on the scene.

 

I'd suggest that even if he does come to you unencumbered (or at least as far as you know - they may merely be still "sort of" seeing each other pending a final break) you take a good hard look and decide if you want to be with someone who seems to have the same areas for growth that you have. You could find yourself years from now being stuck in a toxic relationship with this guy that neither of you want but neither is prepared to kill outright and take the rap for.

[gennamoon]

OWoman...you know I never thought of it like that...sometimes it takes another person's outside opinion to point things out that I never, ever realized. I had plenty of opportunities to end things with my ex, but continued to place myself in a situation that was bad for me then he broke up with me (again), started dating my best friend and now I'm feeling horrible...I could've changed the situation by showing him the door along time ago. I've been asking myself over and over again, why we do this to ourselves?? I have friends who have repeatedly put themselves in similar situations and end up devastated. I look at this guy that has the girlfriend and wonder why he does this to himself, but I've done the same exact thing. I sometimes wonder if some of us get into some sort of mindset wondering if this is the kind of treatment we deserve or what? I'm starting to realize that I deserve a heck of a lot better from someone and WILL NOT allow myself to be put into the same position I just got out of. Thanks for your opinion.

[OWoman]

I'm starting to realize that I deserve a heck of a lot better from someone and WILL NOT allow myself to be put into the same position I just got out of. Thanks for your opinion.

 

And, when you see it (the "lot better"), go out and get it this time - don't hang around in the hope that they'll come and offer it to you on a tray. Perhaps they'll be waiting on you, too, and you'll miss out again.

 

(((((hugs)))))

[gennamoon]

Owoman...thank you again for your words...right now since everything that has happened to me in the last year, I'm so not in the mood to date anyone. When I met my exboyfriend, I thought, "wow, this guy is great, how did I get so lucky"...then he turned into a trainwreck, but I stuck with it to end up feeling crappy about myself. I'm at a point right now where I know there's much better out there, but I feel like everytime I think/trust that I find much better I end up realizing that I was wrong. I really believe that there's someone out there for me, but...ugh...I feel like I don't have the drive to find it right now. When did dating get to be so hard???