Dealing with one who needs space

[dad_of_5]

Hi, I've never posted here before, but I figured I would shoot out my situation, with hopes of suggestions.

My wife and I just passed our 9 year anniversary, where we now have 5 children. She brought 1 in the marriage, we had 2 boys, then we had twins, where 1 died, leaving us with 4, then we adopted, thus we now have 5 children; ages 13, 8, 5, 3, and 2. Our entire marriage, less the past 6 months, was spent in a very legalistic church, where I even pastored for 3 1/2 years of our marriage. I wasn't there for my wife as much as I should have, I wasn't there for my children as I should have, and my wife didn't have much say because the church had a say in every area of her and my life; in fact, I had less say in her life than the pastor and his wife.

Anyway, I left the ministry, and then the church because it was overbearing. The problem is that my wife is now struggling in many areas, and in our marriage, intimacy died 2 1/2 months ago, she has no desire for it and when I ask, she tells me to back off, I'm driving a wedge, she needs time, she also wants to be friends, though I've told her I want a wife, and she will not budge on the intimacy issue.

I've confessed my failures to her, my mistakes, and all the negative ways my life in the ministry and that church effected her and the children. I've also asked for forgiveness and began to change, especially since I now can. I had a heart attach 1 1/2 months ago and I am now forced to be home all the time until the new year when I heal up, we have 1 vehicle, and money isn't in a place for separation, but I don't want that either. I need some idea of what "space" means and how I can offer it in the same home and while being intimately frustrated. I want the marriage to work, I just need some suggestions. Counciling went only so far, but she still won't bend in some areas until she is ready.

-frustrated husband

[Walk]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's a difficult situation.

 

I have a few suggestions since I was once in a place some what similiar to your wife's.

 

1.) Encourage your wife to do new things, expand her mind, grow as an individual. Be the person who supports and encourages it. Be happy for her when she does start to find new interests or passions in life, and LISTEN to her talk about them. Ask questions, show desire to hear her talk about those passions or interests.

 

There's a large risk there that she'll find out life outside of marriage with you is a more preferable place. But you can off set that by showing her that you care more for her happiness then about what you will gain from her. When I asked my ex for space, he made the mistake of become overly guarding, overly jealous, of whatever little new thing I wanted to try. He made it so I didn't enjoy sharing those things with him. I pulled away even more. It didn't stop me from wanting to be happy in life, it just stoped me from wanting to share that happiness with him.

 

2.) Don't even mention sex. Remember, this is about what she wants, not what you want. She's in the mind set that you've been able to get your wants/needs met for the past X number of years... now it's her time. She'll remove herself from you completely if you don't give her what she needs right now.

 

I suggest you get some good magazines, dvd's, whatever and make use of those in the interm. You already admitted you were wrong, at this point the celibacy is no one's fault but your own. Either own up to it and be a man, or end the marriage.

 

However, I don't think you should stop commenting completely on her appeal or sexuality. But you'll probably have to do it in such a drastically different manner that it doesn't evoke that same *uck* response from her. I don't know how you two normally interact, but in my past relationship when my exH would comment about sex, it meant he expected it right then. Flirt, but make it clear you do not expect sex at any point. i.e. Stop, stare at her a moment, "Dang you look hot". Then walk away. Don't even bring it up again. Week, few days, whatever, mention something else. Trick is to prove you aren't expecting sex the minute you mention something desirable about her. It keeps the idea of sex alive, while removing the pressure. And also continues to express that you do find her desirable and sexy... Just do not make her feel pressured.

 

3.) Get your own hobbies and interests. Learn to play an instrument. Write a book. Learn a new skill. A good step would be to take some classes, improve your chances of getting a better job, or of getting one you'll enjoy more.

 

4.) Take over the chores. Do Not under any circumstances mention how you did all the dishes in the vain hope she'll say something appreciative. She's been doing it for years without appreciation, take your medicine. I don't really know if that's the case, I'm sterotyping, but I'm betting your wife feels unappreciated and ignored for all the million things she's been doing for you over the years. Take that load off of her. And personally, I feel that if you're healthy enough to think you can have sex with your wife, then you're healthy enough to cook the meals, do the dishes, do the laundry, and get the kids ready.

 

After you've started taking the load off your wife, then go back to Number 1 on this list. Encourage her to use that freed up time to do something she wants to do, to go see friends or family, to take classes, or just to get out for a while. Your effort to do something good for her will be more appreciated if you combine it with proving to her that you want her to have a good time doing what she wants to do. You might not hear appreciation for a while, but don't give up.

 

Lastly, you're on a long, long road to recovery in your marriage. Think long term. Weigh your immediate wants and desires against what you want for the long term. Figure out what's most important to you. Having a healthy, happy marriage for years to come... or sex right now? Being able to laugh with your wife again, or closing the distance between the two of you quickly? Whatever you decide is most important to you, keep that at the forefront of your mind at all times. When things start to get too much for you, think about your end goal and work toward that.