Reggie Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 You have no idea if his first wife was in pain, or if she herself kept her marriage vows. You have no idea if the marriage was a healthy place for anyone to be. That the point: people who make decisions about their own lives are accountable only to their own circle and not to people like you or I. Sometimes the affair is the right relationship and the marriage is the wrong one. In these cases, decisive and clear action is indeed dignity, courage and integrity. Like it or not. Oh, please. How many BS's don't feel intense pain? And, if the marriage was not the right relationship. it is simple:divorce, don't cheat. Of course he handled his first marriage's demise dishonorably, just as he has done in this one.
NoIDidn't Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 You have no idea if his first wife was in pain, or if she herself kept her marriage vows. You have no idea if the marriage was a healthy place for anyone to be. And you do? I doubt it. You did say that you worked with him and didn't seem to be saying that you had any dealings with his xW. And where did I say anything about the health of his marriage? Seems like you are spinning my words into something that isn't there. Sometimes the affair is the right relationship and the marriage is the wrong one. This just sounds like an excuse to help some poor sap destroy the relationship you (general) didn't want them in to begin with. Justification. In these cases, decisive and clear action is indeed dignity, courage and integrity. Like it or not. My point again - his actions lacked integrity from the get go. Integrity - adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. His actions did not fit the definition of integrity. Dignity - even my dictionary.com definition and example disprove that: the quality of being worthy of esteem or respect; "it was beneath his dignity to cheat". I don't know where you get your definitions from, but his actions don't fit any of those words. I'm not saying to flog the guy. He's moved on. But his previous actions lack the very things you are trying to assign to him. Let's take his first wife's feelings out of it, then. His actions on their own merit fail the test of the definition of those words. And based on what you and your co-workers were saying and feeling about him cheating on his W, you probably wouldn't have come around if he was unhappily married to the OW. So, like I said, starting a family in a marriage that started out as an affair doesn't impute integrity to his actions. Hopefully, he learned from his mistakes and he and his new wife and family will be safe from infidelity.
frannie Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 I know this doesn't seem like much, but I finally told someone the truth about my M, my OW, and what I want to do. I feel so GOOD about it! I told my brother everything even though I was afraid of what he'd think. And actually...he was very supportive! For the first time, I really do see some light at the end of the tunnel. I also really want to thank everyone for the input. It helps sometimes to hear what you already know when it comes from someone else, to know other people have been in the same boat, and even to hear the people who think you are an idiot. There's no better way to be sure of what you want than to have it challenged. WaW I'm so glad you're making progress. Yes, it might not seem like much when written down but I bet it didn't come easily. I'm also glad your brother has been supportive! That's great news, and I can imagine what a relief it is. So what comes next?
LavendarGirl Posted December 18, 2008 Posted December 18, 2008 Sounds like it's time to leave your W since you are unhappy and don't see a way to fix things enough to be content in that R. Hopefully things with the OW will work in your favor, but you need to have the courage enough to divorce your W relatively independent of the outcome of your relationship with the OW. To add, my parents were always at odds with each other but stayed together for the sake of the children. Being a child in that environment, I would have welcomed a divorce between the two of them any day. Well, my dad met his OW and immediately filed for D against my mom. They were engaged the day the D was final, and married two months later. That was 30-plus years ago, and the two of them couldn't be happier...still. I was glad to see my dad happy, it was obvious, and actually appreciate being around a loving couple as a good example. HappyAtLast, thank you for your story on your marriage of 40 years. I love reading success stories like that. LG
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