Anyone leave for the OW?

[Angel1111]

I got the impression, too, that your wife changed because you were suddenly attractive to someone else. This is just competition, plain and simple. She's probably just hoping to wreck the relationship you have with the OW and then she won't care if the marriage lasts or not after that. You need to ask yourself if you're going to let her stand in the way of your new relationship.

 

Not to demean you, but I've said this before and people don't believe me - but love is not as high of a priority to men as it is for women. Responsibility, money and reputation usually go ahead of love. And that's understandable but if your wife were involved with someone, she would've left you. Yes, she might've felt bad about the hurt and the marriage ending, all that stuff, but she would've left. (You might want to think about that one.)

[Athena]

Good point Angel -- about love and women, and responsibility, money, reputation and men... sounds like this is what Wicked is feeling

[WickedandWeak]

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Not to demean you, but I've said this before and people don't believe me - but love is not as high of a priority to men as it is for women. Responsibility, money and reputation usually go ahead of love. And that's understandable but if your wife were involved with someone, she would've left you. Yes, she might've felt bad about the hurt and the marriage ending, all that stuff, but she would've left. (You might want to think about that one.)

 

That's a perspective I had not thought of. It makes sense.

[HappyAtLast]

I was in a long term, very dead marriage. I resigned myself to staying until my oldest child was out of the house. (My ex-wife was aware of this, but did not believe me). The last fifteen years of my marriage were very lonely ones. There was no fighting but there was no real love either.... I just wanted to allow my kids to have a pleasant, intact childhood.

 

About a year before my oldest son went to college, I met a beautiful and brilliant young surgeon. I was smitten, head over heels. She was the first person that I had let "in" for all of those years. We began an R and I divorced my wife. I would not, could not be without this woman. And, I certainly would not disrespect her by expecting her to be an OW for long.

 

This beautiful woman has been my wife for nearly forty years now. She is my heart, my soul, my life. I would never have dreamed of stepping out on her - I would sooner die then hurt her. I can't imagine that it ever even crossed her mind that I would.

 

My story is not exactly a common one. But it does happen. My question for you is this... before your OW came into the picture, did you ever consider divorce?

[WickedandWeak]

Yes, on a regular basis. W and I even talked about it a few times. W later said she never thought I "meant it," that she thought all married people talked about getting divorced. Why didn't I go ahead and do it? I didn't want to admit I had failed at my marriage. So I bounced back and forth between wanting divorce and trying to reconcile myself to the situation. Then I met OW. I actually hate calling her OW because as far as I am concerned, she is THE woman, even if she isn't the woman I am currently married to.

 

I'm glad to hear things worked out so well for you, and I appreciate you sharing your story. Today I feel a little more ready to rip off the proverbial bandaid than I did when I first posted here. I hope that soon I will just suck it up and do it. I have at least stopped making excuses to myself like money or timing. I know that the only thing standing between me and the life I want is my own fear. I am determined to overcome it, and it helps hearing that others have managed what scares me so much.

[HappyAtLast]

My ex-wife actually was surprised when told her I was leaving (which I have admit, I didn't really understand). My children, not so much.

 

But, as I am sure that you know, it is cruel to keep either of the women hanging. In order to move on with your life, you need to tidy up the open chapters.

[OWoman]

My ex-wife actually was surprised when told her I was leaving (which I have admit, I didn't really understand). My children, not so much.

 

 

When my MM left his W, she was also taken aback, although the kids had long known it was coming and were onside. HAL, your story sounds a lot like my Dad's. Utter bliss since he left, no regrets at all. I hope my own story works out that way too.

 

W&W, my MM and I also had things we needed to organise - from both sides - before we could be together, but once we decided to be together we both got on with what we had to do and made it happen. In many ways it was scary - we both had a lot to lose if things didn't work out - but more importantly, we had our lives, our love, our whole futue to gain. And, the possibility for the kids to have at least a few years of a "normal" life in a loving home.

 

It's not like ripping off a bandaid - bandaids speed the healing and help keep the wound clean. It's more like pulling out a festering splinter - the longer you leave it, the worse the infection gets, the greater the danger of septicaemia. Yes it's painful when you pull the splinter out - and sometimes it's deep and needs to be rooted out - but once you open the wound and release the toxins, your body can recover and the healing begin.

 

Good luck.

[Lucky_One]

"I feel more devoted to her than I ever have to my wife, even when things were at their best."

 

That is a bit scary, considering that you dumped her to go back to a loveless marriage.

 

Your actions pretty much spell out devotion - but to your wife.

[Purple_me]

I've tried to send you a PM but I'm too new to do so.

Anyway, I've been doing some IC while I was in the R with my ex.

 

It doesn't matter how my R ended up, the thing that while in IC, my therapist told me lots of things that might help to you.

I met him when he was 1.5 years SEPARATED, not divorced because according to him he was never married (don't know for sure though). But he had a great relationship with her because they had 2 little kids together.

The thing is that even when HE was the one taking the decision of separation, she was fine with it (although she always stated her wiliness to take him back...), but she started REALLY HARD to take him back when she found out I excisted.

 

My therapist told me that she could possibly be totally in love with him but ALSO there was a chance that she didn't want to lose him because in her eyes, HE BELONG TO HER, so SHE HAD TO HAVE HIM BACK (I say this because of what you said about your W gaining interest in you after you were in the A, IT DOES HAPPEN) My therapist told me women are more competetive than men when it comes to this.

She once told me: THIS IS NOT SOMETHING BETWEEN HIM AND HER... THIS IS SOMETHING BETWEEN HER AND YOU.

 

She begged and begged for him to go back and didn't work out. Always willing to "comfort" him if we had a bad day or things like that, always telling him how much she loved him and etc...

 

Then, when she started seeing nothing like that would work, she started attacking with the money, the kids, and so on.

My therapist even said something like "she started working in the genital part, and as it didn't work out, now she's working on the anal"

 

Just thought this could make some sense for you.

 

Let us know what happens!

 

Purple

[mopar crazy]

I haven't read all your replies.

 

My H left me for the OW. About 3 months after we separated and going through a D he called me and admitted to the A. I asked him why he was he was admitting to it now. He said b/c he wanted to work on the M, he made a mistake and wanted to R. He realized after I was gone she was not who he really wanted to be w/.

 

I don't agree w/ my H A w/ the OW but at least he had the balls to tell me he wanted out of the M instead of having an A w/ the OW for months or years and staying M to me.

 

You are going to hurt your W one way or another. If you really do not love her let her go. Quit hanging onto the W and the OW, it's not fair to either one of them, especially you W.

[Cliche]

WickedandWeak,

I am a former OW. My former MM divorced his wife. Now we have been living together as partners for a year and have a child together. We were blissfully in love during every minute of our affair. We are still blissfully in love. We both view every single day as a gift. Like you, my partner is quite a bit older. But we have everything in common. I love him completely. Despite the way our relationship began, I trust him completely. It can happen.

 

While my partner never returned to his wife, he did share with me his desire to make her happy by not divorcing her before she was "ready". He continued to hope that she would officially end the marriage first by moving out of state. Though she threatened it, it never happened. He had to make the move. When he was deep in the thick of this, like you are, his problem was not making up his mind. His problem was that he wanted both of us to be happy. In the process, he made both of us miserable. When he finally realized what he was doing, and that it was going to end our relationship, he said to me "I guess I should stop trying to make everyone happy, and just try not to cause anymore pain."

 

Reading your posts, it sounds to me like you've made up your mind. If you have, then try to stop causing more pain. Move on. For everyone's sake.

[KismetGirl]

WaW....what is keeping you married. You have no kids, which I imagine is normally the hardest part for most MM, the fear of tearing their family apart.

 

If you don't love your wife and you love this other woman, then let your wife have a chance to find someone who DOES love her before its too late. My uncle kept my aunt hanging on for years, and finally left her for another woman when she was 53, and now he has a girlfriend and my poor aunt is 57 and alone and lonely. If he'd done it ten years earlier I think she would have had a better chance of finding someone. But at lamost 60 she finds herself unattractive, "old" and beyond abiity to find a new man. Options do dim as you get older, for alot of people.

 

I don't see what's holding you back. I don't think you should move in with the OW right away or anything, you should give yourelf some "alone" time to get your thoughts and feelings in order. Maybe casually date the OW. But if you really dont want to be with your wife, then for goodness sake, let her free to find happiness elsewhere.....

[WickedandWeak]

I really, really appreciate all the advice, questions, and comments.

 

As a matter of update, I am indeed still weak. However, I am trying very hard to find the courage to do what I must. I am trying to stifle that nagging little voice in my head that says, "But it's the holidays"... There are always going to be excuses, and I really am done with them.

 

I hope no one will mind if, until I actually manage to do this, I come back here for support (or a much needed kick in the ass). Sometimes it helps so much to hear what you already know from someone else.

 

I have been practicing what I will say to W. How much of the truth should I tell her? I want to tell her enough that she will understand that a) I truly do not want to be married anymore and b) While there are many reasons why our relationship is no longer what I want, OW is one of them. But I want to inflict as little pain as possible. I have already hurt her so much. It's really hard for me to see other people hurting, especially if it is my fault. I want to minimize her pain not just for the obvious, compassionate reason, but also because I fear that substantial displays of pain from her will trip the guilty feelings I had the last time. So, as a practical matter, how much should I tell her?

[WickedandWeak]

"I guess I should stop trying to make everyone happy, and just try not to cause anymore pain."

 

 

 

I am going to paste this on my mirror or make it my screen saver or something.

[noforgiveness]

Wicked and weak this is easy. Just tell your wife you are seeing the other woman again and she will throw you out so fast you won't know what hit you. Nothing is more painful than the farce you are perpetrating. To pretend to work on the marriage while seeing the ow is so dispicable, so deceitful, it is the ultimate in disrespect. I'm sure all your wife wants is honesty from you so she can get on with her life.

 

Screw the holidays. Don't make your wife go through a fake holiday filled with lies. She will never trust anyone again if you do that and her holidays will be forever ruined. Let her use the holidays for a support system with family and friends. People will be there to help her through the pain. Tell her the truth. Respect the years of your marriage enough to do that. This is so unfair to her. It's downright cruel and will cause everlasting damage if you are not honest.

[OWoman]

So, as a practical matter, how much should I tell her?

 

Tell her that you love her enough to set her free to find happiness with someone who can love her as she deserves. Tell her you respect her enough to be honest with her and drop the pretense of having a future together. Tell her that you've tried, but your heart is not in it, and because you care, you want to end things the cleanest and most honorable way you can at this stage.

 

Tell her it's over. And then, answer her questions as honestly as you can. Treat her as an adult, not as a child, out of respect for the woman you once saw in her and loved her as. And take responsibility for your actions and treat yourself as an adult too.

 

There is never a good time to break up - after these holidays there'll be Valentine's Day, then Easter, then the next holiday and the next and the next. The longer you keep up the pretence, the worse it becomes for everyone.

 

Good luck!

[Confoozed]

Well, well. I was just going to post a bit of a warning to guys like you -- and I still will, for the benefit of all -- but I'll reply to this thread first.

 

WickedandWeak, be careful. Know what you want. Your story sounds like a lot of guys' stories, including my own. Found the love of my life, my soulmate, passion I'd never known, certain that I will be one of the tiny percentage of people like us who live happily ever after with the OW.

 

I won't post my whole story here. I'll do that on a separate thread and welcome you to check it out. My situation is different from yours in that I have two kids to whom I am (or was) very close. And I do believe that is a significant difference. But still....be careful.

 

I essentially left my wife for the OW last week, and I have been living in hell ever since. It's early and I'm hoping it gets better, but right now, I would do anything to turn back the clock.

 

I, too, had been waiting for the end of the holidays, because I didn't want to ruin Christmas. I thought by then I'd know for sure what I wanted, but my wife found out the affair was still on -- after giving me several chances to end it -- and the gig was up.

 

So now I'm with the OW and can spend as much time with her as I want. Only I'm not sure this is what I want. Right now, it doesn't feel like it. Again, that may be because it's early still, but I find I'm very much doubting how serious my feelings are for her -- feelings very similar to the ones you describe about you and your OW.

 

Like I say, I'd give anything for one more chance. But it's not in the cards for me, and I feel devastated. Many of the folks on this forum would say I finally got my just desserts, and I'd have to agree.

 

So, please, while it's too late for me, it's not for you. BE SURE.

[WickedandWeak]

I read your other thread and am so sorry to hear that you are suffering now.

 

I understand that for me, for my OW, and for most people in my situation, how the marriage ends matters. I don't know whether it would have mattered for you since it sounds like you had not reached a place where you felt you no longer loved your wife and that the marriage, regardless of the OW, was unsalvagable. I am at that place, but I know that if my W found out that I'm cheating on her and left me, it would likely ruin any chance that I would have of being happy with OW. And that's assuming OW would have me if my W ended it instead of me ending it, which I seriously doubt. If my W found out in any way other than from me, I would feel too guilty to enjoy my new life once I got it. If W ended the marriage, OW would not have me. I would feel like the coward I have been, and I would deserve to lose everything. I have behaved badly and I need to end the marriage in a way I can be proud of. I don't mean to suggest it's admirable to leave one's W for an OW. But I do think there is an honest, admirable way to do it and a cowardly, shameful way to do it.

 

If anything, your story has helped sound the alarm about waiting too long. Every day that I don't suck it up and end my marriage is another day that I risk having that choice taken from me. I know that isn't the warning you meant to send, but I appreciate it nonetheless.

[OWoman]

If W ended the marriage, OW would not have me. I would feel like the coward I have been, and I would deserve to lose everything.

 

 

No woman likes to feel she's the consolation prize - she wants you to choose her, not to settle for her because no one else (ie, your W) will have you.

[OpenBook]

I understand that for me, for my OW, and for most people in my situation, how the marriage ends matters.

 

... I know that if my W found out that I'm cheating on her and left me, it would likely ruin any chance that I would have of being happy with OW.

 

... If my W found out in any way other than from me, I would feel too guilty to enjoy my new life once I got it.

 

... If W ended the marriage, OW would not have me.

 

... I have behaved badly and I need to end the marriage in a way I can be proud of.

 

So what you're really saying is that your future happiness completely depends on which party delivers the pain - you or your W?? If you deliver it, everything's cool. But if your W delivers it, everything's totally screwed for you.

 

That is some f*cked-up logic, man.

[WickedandWeak]

So what you're really saying is that your future happiness completely depends on which party delivers the pain - you or your W?? If you deliver it, everything's cool. But if your W delivers it, everything's totally screwed for you.

 

That is some f*cked-up logic, man.

 

It's not about "who delivers the pain." It's about whether I stand up for what I want - whether I make a decision for myself or whether someone else makes it for me. It's about whether I choose to be honest while I have the chance or if I wait to be found out. I am beginning to realize this is not just a question about my relationship with OW or with W but is also a question about what kind of person I want to be. If only there were a wizard I could ask for courage!

[Reggie]

Wicked and weak this is easy. Just tell your wife you are seeing the other woman again and she will throw you out so fast you won't know what hit you. Nothing is more painful than the farce you are perpetrating. To pretend to work on the marriage while seeing the ow is so dispicable, so deceitful, it is the ultimate in disrespect. I'm sure all your wife wants is honesty from you so she can get on with her life.

 

Screw the holidays. Don't make your wife go through a fake holiday filled with lies. She will never trust anyone again if you do that and her holidays will be forever ruined. Let her use the holidays for a support system with family and friends. People will be there to help her through the pain. Tell her the truth. Respect the years of your marriage enough to do that. This is so unfair to her. It's downright cruel and will cause everlasting damage if you are not honest.

 

I agree with this. Do it now and tell her the whole truth.

What many WS's seem to fail to realize is that this fraud constitutes the theft of part of another person's life. Her time on this earth is just as valuable to her as yours is to you.

HAve you ever considered that while you have been enjoying the comapny of your "soulmate" or whatever, your wife has been foregoing similar opportunities in reliance on the contract you two have?

One of my deepest sources of anger and resentment centers not around the cheating, per se, but the fact that I was duped out of a good chunk of my life.

[GreenEyedLady]

~SHEESH!

 

Tell your OW to post in the OW Forum, I'll give her some advice.

 

Like MAKING the decision for you.

 

I'm sure that this will come as quite a shock to you, but YOU are not the prize.

[Angel1111]

I understand that for me, for my OW, and for most people in my situation, how the marriage ends matters.

 

I totally understand what you're saying here and you're right that this is important. And it's actually a lot simpler than you think. I have a friend who left his wife. He said he sat down in front of her and said, "This isn't working anymore." I've kind of done the same thing but I will also warn you that it will make your palms sweat and will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do -- until the moment you say the words and then you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

 

The key, I think, is not to plan it for a specific moment but at an improtu time where you feel it is the moment. If you overnoodle it, you'll have a panic attack. But even with all that, after I did it I was so relieved and I never regretted leaving because whenever I left someone, by the time I made that decision, I had exhausted all possibilities of the relationship working out and I knew it was the right thing to do.

[OWoman]

I totally understand what you're saying here and you're right that this is important. And it's actually a lot simpler than you think. I have a friend who left his wife. He said he sat down in front of her and said, "This isn't working anymore." I've kind of done the same thing but I will also warn you that it will make your palms sweat and will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do -- until the moment you say the words and then you'll wonder why you didn't do it sooner.

 

The key, I think, is not to plan it for a specific moment but at an improtu time where you feel it is the moment. If you overnoodle it, you'll have a panic attack. But even with all that, after I did it I was so relieved and I never regretted leaving because whenever I left someone, by the time I made that decision, I had exhausted all possibilities of the relationship working out and I knew it was the right thing to do.

 

Initially, my MM also felt like he had to wait for "the right moment" to tell his W he was leaving - especially given her instability. However, he found that "the right moment" somehow never came along waving a flag. Insted, he made the moment right - by opening his mouth and telling her.

 

Yes, he had to face the fall-out. Yes, he went through a rough patch. But he also realised that, while it would have been easier done sooner, it was also better to have done it then than waited another day. Or another hour. It doesn't get easier, but it does get harder, left undone.