Anyone leave for the OW?

[WickedandWeak]

I'm new here but spent some time today reading some of the threads. I hope I'm in the right place for my question. I guess I should give some background first...

 

I am married to a woman with whom I have no kids. Of course, we share friends and we've had a life together for years. While my family absolutely loves my wife, I no longer do, at least not in any romantic way. Things between us have never been great but in the beginning they were at least really good. We had only been married a couple of years before she lost interest in me and we began fighting. I thought at first that it was just a phase that married couples go through, that desire waxes and wanes throughout a relationship. So I tried to be even more considerate, more attentive, more attractive...everything I could think of. Nothing helped. Every time I tried to talk about it, we fought. This was the way our marriage was for a couple of years and I had come to accept it. I wasn't happy but I didn't think I was miserable either.

 

Then something amazing and awful happened - a beautiful, brilliant young woman (quite a bit younger than me) hit on me. This OW and I worked together and I was already incredibly attracted to her when she expressed an interest in me. I barely even gave it a second thought. After we slept together the first time, I felt no guilt and our night together was easily the best sex of my life. We began seeing each other regularly and both agreed it would be just sex, though we were already kind of friends. As I got to know this woman and realized exactly how incredible she really is, I began really falling for her. I did everything to impress her and make her happy. It must have worked because she fell in love with me as well. She made everything in my life better, even my marriage. I felt better about myself and I guess my wife noticed the change and began to feel attracted to me again. But at that point I only had eyes (and lust) for the OW. The OW became my best friend, the best part of my life. I agonized over every minute I spent apart from her. The affair lasted a little over a year before my wife found out. It's really only surprising she didn't find out sooner - we had all but given up being careful.

 

When my wife found out, I left for the OW. But within a couple of weeks, I started to feel really guilty. I ended up really hurting the OW because I couldn't get a grip on my own feelings and because I eventually decided the only solution was to go back to my wife who, in spite of everything, continued to beg me to go to marriage counseling and make our relationship work. Once I went back to my wife, the OW and I did not talk to each other. My wife and I went to marriage counseling. I have never been more miserable. This went on for months with me aching every second for the woman I gave up in favor of what I saw as my responsibility. My counselor told me that would get better with time, but it didn't. I worked harder and harder to distract myself; I paid more attention to my wife; I hung out with friends; nothing worked. Every day for a week, I picked up the phone to call the OW and only stopped because I thought if she had moved on, it would only hurt her to hear from me again.

 

Then I ran into her (the OW) at a Starbucks. I could barely breathe when I saw her. I was afraid of what her reaction would be, but she smiled at me. We started talking. We each admitted we hated being apart. We agreed to start talking. After all, neither of us felt like we could share our pain with anyone except someone else in the same situation. The conversations got longer and longer. Talking turned into having coffee. Having coffee turned into going to bed together. And that's where we are now. She has asked me to leave my wife, and I have said I want to. I feel like I have fulfilled my obligation to try and salvage the marriage and I know that no matter what I do, I will never stop wanting the OW.

 

I was wondering whether anyone here actually left their spouse for someone else. If so, how did you work up the courage to do it and how did it turn out? I want to do this is right and hurt my wife as little as possible. The truth is, she's a very nice person who deserves someone to be in love with her the way I simply am not. I want her to have that, and I want to enjoy being in love with the OW instead of pining away for her. I don't know how to tell my W what I want or how to tell my friends and co-workers that I've left my wife for another woman. I'm terrified of what my family will say/think. These fears are causing me to drag my feet. Any advice for how to get over those feelings? Every day that I don't go ahead and do this is a day I'm lying to my W and disappointing the OW. I don't like doing either one, but I seem to be too scared (or something) to take the leap. Any advice would be appreciated.

[theBrokenMuse]

 

I feel like I have fulfilled my obligation to try and salvage the marriage and I know that no matter what I do, I will never stop wanting the OW.

 

 

All you did do was go through the motions while pining over the object of your obsession. (I say obsession and not love because the whole agonizing every second were apart type of crap is not actually love but infatuation where the hormones are kicked into overdrive.) Not a single thing you have said indicated that you did a single thing deeper than surface level to fix your marriage in order to placate your own sense of guilt over leaving so that you could feel better about leaving to go be with a woman who has no qualms sleeping with married men (no bright red flags there about personality defects or anything). At least, that's what I took away from this post and no, I'm not the walking wounded I just hate to see people in such freakin' denial over their own behaviors.

[travelgirl]

Also, OW might be pining for you now but there are 2 things against you on this relationship working:

 

1. You cheated - how is she to trust you won't do the same thing to her? It WILL become an issue.

 

2. She is a lot younger than you. Being a sugar daddy is hard work and younger women tend to get over them pretty quickly, especially when the fun wears off and you are an old divorced man with kids.

 

What does she want? Is she interested in marriage? Does she want kids? Where does she see herself in 5 years? What is her love history? What is her family history? What would they think of YOU? What are her young friends going to think of YOU? Will your family ever approve of her? What will your kids think as they get older? Does she want to be a step-mom?

 

All the obsession/lust you two have for each other QUICKLY drops when there is no more secret, thrilling roller-coaster ride. All that is left are 2 ordinary people who have to decide what type of future they are going to have together. Have you even done anything remotely normal besides have secret sex and talk about "feelings and emotions?"

 

Think with your brain before making any rash decisions....

[Angel1111]

It does take a lot of courage to walk away from a marriage but you need to find the strength to do it, without permission from anyone else. It may be that people will judge you but you can't live your life worrying about what other people think. They don't have to live your life and they don't have to live in your marriage. Besides, you're not obligated to tell anyone anything you don't want them to know. If your wife tells them, then just say, "Yes, that is true. I have found someone I love very much," and smile.

 

The truth is, you are doing your wife a disservice by staying with her because your heart isn't in the marriage. And it hasn't been for a long time. I can understand your wife wanting to salvage the marriage, but I can't imagine anyone wanting to be with someone who's in love with another person. That's just a really bad decision.

 

The other side of this is that if you stay in your marriage, you will eventually wear down your relationship with the OW by hesitating for too long. I know a lot of people want to tell you that this relationship with her isn't real love but if you both feel that it is, then it is. I think you should follow your heart, but be as kind and understanding toward your wife as possible.

[theBrokenMuse]

I know a lot of people want to tell you that this relationship with her isn't real love but if you both feel that it is, then it is.

 

Unless people are so deeply into their dopamine rushes that their perception is too skewed to be able to tell the difference. (Sorry didn't mean to threadjack. I'll shut up now.)

[NoIDidn't]

I don't think it is love.

 

Not to mention, the OW won't trust you if you leave the W again and get with her to stay with her as you've bolted before.

 

Definitely doing your W a disservice.

 

Doing yourself one too, but that's another topic.

[Angel1111]

I don't think it is love.

 

Not to mention, the OW won't trust you if you leave the W again and get with her to stay with her as you've bolted before.

 

Definitely doing your W a disservice.

 

Doing yourself one too, but that's another topic.

 

So, his breathtaking connection with the OW isn't real love, but his lifeless marriage is? Hmmm.....

 

It sounds like the OW does trust him. If he goes back to her and leaves again, though, it'll be the death of that relationship.

[NoIDidn't]

So, his breathtaking connection with the OW isn't real love, but his lifeless marriage is? Hmmm.....

 

It sounds like the OW does trust him. If he goes back to her and leaves again, though, it'll be the death of that relationship.

 

See, now Angel you're putting words into my post. And with this being written you know you didn't see me say a word about whether or not he loves his W.

 

Please don't attribute something to me that I didn't say.

[norajane]

How long have you been seeing OW? Doesn't it concern you that she hit on you knowing that you were married? What is her relationship history...does she date a lot of men for short periods of time? Has she hit on other married men? Had other affairs in the office?

 

I'd really suggest you do a search and find the threads posted by mattym. He was enamored of his OW and had his head so deep in the affair fog he couldn't let her go...but once he came out of it, he realized he'd have made a huge mistake leaving his wife for OW. Especially when he found out more about OW and her relationship history and realized she was not quite the women he thought she was, and realized that he was into her (tru luv!) mostly because she made him feel like superman and helped make his ego feel really good about himself.

 

This is a big decision, and you want to make sure you're making it for the right reasons. If your marriage is truly dead, fine. You would be leaving for yourself and it wouldn't make any difference whether things worked out with OW or not. But if you would divorce mostly because you're really counting on things to work out with OW, you will be very disappointed if things don't and you wake up from the affair fog and find yourself alone and lonely.

 

Women often find older, successful men in the office attractive. There's a whole power mystique going on. But once you take that out of the equation, as well as the rush that comes from sneaking around and doing something forbidden, and it becomes just you and her doing laundry and fighting about how often she wants to go out and you don't, it's just like any other relationship. Ultimately, you'll end up in the same home life situation you're in now, where the intensity of the passion fades due to the ordinariness of living with the same person you've gotten to know inside and out. It ends sooner, if her vision of powerful sugar daddy turns into divorced daddy who has to deal with every day pressures. Quicker if you have a child together and it becomes all about parenting.

[whichwayisup]

You should leave your marriage and be alone for a while. Leaving your wife for someone else, well, that's not a great start to a new relationship because you'll have emotional baggage and stuff to deal with (her family, your family, friends etc..) and you won't be able to give 100% into a new relationship until you've gotten over your life as you know it now.

Divorce your wife, heal and THEN ask the OW out.

[NoIDidn't]

Not to mention, what's the point of falling for your f*ckbuddy?

 

I don't get that.

 

And if she had any self-respect she wouldn't have fallen back into bed with him again so quickly. Same thing for him. Where is respect for his marriage, the OW, or himself? Why go back home out of guilt but run back into cheating trying to justify it as love?

 

There is something else going on here and it isn't love.

[MichelleS1983]

Ahhh, there's nothing like an older fool chasing a young gal so he can dip his wick in the Fountain of Youth and feel young and alive again.

 

And she's such an exceptional human being - ASKING you to leave your wife. Such character. Such integrity.

 

You two deserve each other. I recommend you leave your wife and rush into your lady love's arms just as soon as you possibly can.

 

Wonder how long it will be before she's playing with a young buck when you get older, and more tired, and more set in your ways?

 

Promise to come back and whine about it when it happens? I love having the opportunity of saying, "I told you so."

 

Jesus.

[skywriter]

Like everyone else here, I have an opinion about this. This relationship can and does work out. Like any relationship, it amounts to what you have and or, are willing to put into it. Your story is similar to one of my best friends. Her husband said he felt the same way about his his now ex-wife and while your OW is single, my best friend was also married, also in a loveless marriage, neither marriages had any children. They had an affair. He left his marriage and so did she, this was fifteen yrs ago and now they are married and have children together. I imagine based on what I read that the percentages are small. Just saying, it can work. You will probably always struggle with the "what if", either way. That is the what happens when we divide our hearts between more than one. I am the last person to throw stones as I have my own skeletons soooo, best of luck.

[frannie]

I was wondering whether anyone here actually left their spouse for someone else. If so, how did you work up the courage to do it and how did it turn out? I want to do this is right and hurt my wife as little as possible. The truth is, she's a very nice person who deserves someone to be in love with her the way I simply am not. I want her to have that, and I want to enjoy being in love with the OW instead of pining away for her. I don't know how to tell my W what I want or how to tell my friends and co-workers that I've left my wife for another woman. I'm terrified of what my family will say/think. These fears are causing me to drag my feet. Any advice for how to get over those feelings? Every day that I don't go ahead and do this is a day I'm lying to my W and disappointing the OW. I don't like doing either one, but I seem to be too scared (or something) to take the leap. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Hello there. There are some men on LS, not sure if they still post, who have left their marriages to be with an OW, but they're very few and far between and I am not hopeful that you'll get the help that you're asking for. I'm actually wondering whether Separation and Divorce might be a better forum to be in, but who knows, people read and post all over the boards.

 

I do hope you get the help you're looking for. Oh, also you might try posting in the OW forum, since there are a few OW on there whose MM have either left, or are in the process of leaving, and they may be able to help in some way.

 

I'd say that you're likely to get a lot of posts about whether what you feel for the OW is love or isn't love. That's just inevitable. And I don't know whether mattym was a good example of anything other than a very confused man who in reality kept putting his OW down for perfectly reasonable activities like dating others while she was single while at the same time continuing to see her behind his poor wife's back (his poor wife who was under the impression they were reconciling).

 

What I would say, having been an OW myself, is that if you do dither too long and keep your OW waiting, or worse, leave and then go back and constantly disappoint her, you will completely ruin whatever feelings she has for you. So my advice would be that you would be clear an honest with her about your position and then break things off with her or go limited contact until you can offer her more than 'a desire' to leave.

 

What you are doing in your desire 'not to hurt' either woman is actually causing a great deal of hurt and pain to both. I know it's hard, and actually I don't know how you get out of this. I imagine that a lot of MM are in exactly the same boat, and while I do have sympathy for your position, I also have more sympathy for the women you are hurting with your behaviour. You may end up having damaged both, and with neither of them wanting anything to do with you. Perhaps that might spur you to action?

 

Lastly, I would say that I do admire the fact that you have set out what your issues are, and are asking for help. I think that that is in itself a great step. But still... in the final analysis you will have to act decisively and soon(ish), and in the face of your fears. Good luck.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well I divorced my wife, but she went to the OM after being served papers.

 

He is now in prison. :lmao:

[2sure]

We had only been married a couple of years before she lost interest in me and we began fighting. .. So I tried to be even more considerate, more attentive, more attractive...everything I could think of.

 

So, essentially what you are saying is that your wife is not interested in you. Apparently nothing you could do about it. So, you had an affair.

 

"...She made everything in my life better, even my marriage. I felt better about myself and I guess my wife noticed the change and began to feel attracted to me again..."

 

Its just such a shame that you didnt try MC first, instead of an affair. People who are happy about themselves are attractive. It sounds like your wife lost interest in you because you lost interest in yourself. Part of that responsibility is YOURS.

 

The fact that you left your wife, then went back, and into MC and then continue to see OW is just such a mean farce.

I understand you want to leave your marriage...sometimes life is like that.

Its sad that you didnt work on yourself or the marriage before the affair. Its sadder that you didnt tell your wife, before the affair, that you were thinking of ending the marriage. Why on earth didnt you??? Is it possible you didnt want to leave the marriage until the affair?

 

You feel guilty, ashamed to tell family and friends what you have done...because , even though you sincerely love this OW...what you have done is horrible. Infidelity happens, and I have empathy for all parties involved...but your scenerio is the height of cruelty.

 

Leave your wife once and for all so she can move on instead of inflicting this relentless betrayal.

 

I just have to add that in the beginning of your post, which I quoted above...read it...you pretty much come right out and say the affair was your wife's fault. Stop that.

[WickedandWeak]

I think I'll try to answer all the questions in a new post or two instead of copying and pasting specific portions that others have written back.

 

I was fully prepared for the "it isn't really love" comments. Believe me, I spent the first couple of weeks I began to feel in love with her thinking I had lost my mind, was confused, was caught up in the excitement...you name it. We were together for more than a year before we got caught. Then I was with her for about 4 months before I went back to my wife. I spent about 6 months then back with my wife, going to counseling. Ow and I have been seeing each other now again for about 6 weeks. We've been together through things that were difficult, times that weren't exciting, and even a few fights. (Very few). I have loved her the whole time and never more than I do right now as I think about spending the rest of my life with her.

 

As for kids, my wife and I don't have any. I don't wish to have children and neither does the OW. She's a very driven, career-oriented woman. Our lives are actually very compatible.

 

Now, to the questions about what kind of person she is... We have shared with each other much about our histories. She is the first person with whom I have strayed from my marriage and I am her first MM. She does trust me and she has every reason to. I feel more devoted to her than I ever have to my wife, even when things were at their best. The idea that I'm a "sugar daddy" is kind of funny. She already has a successful career as well as family money. She really seems too good to be true. Oh sure, she has flaws and I know what they are and have accepted them. But she's a kind person who is smart, considerate, fun, gorgeous, athletic, honest, and open. I frequently encouraged her to date other people early in our relationship because I wanted her to be happy when I wasn't there. She never did, though, even though it really would have been okay with me. But she assured me it wouldn't really make her happy. She's a wonderful and amazing person. Sometimes I still don't understand how I could be so lucky that she would want me.

 

I know that right now I am hurting both the OW and my W. I know that I am hurting myself with my hesitation. I sometimes hate myself for being so caught up in this child-like guilt, this juvenile need to please the people around me. The OW told me that my friends and family want me to be happy and that even if they disapprove, they will eventually see how happy she makes me and get over how we got together. Some part of me knows that she is right, but some part of me can't see past the fear. That isn't a very flattering thing to admit - that I am failing to secure a future with someone I love and admire because I fear what others will think - but it's true.

 

Maybe I did only give lip service to working on my marriage. At first, I felt like I was trying. Still, I felt like everything good in my life was gone and not being able to share that with my wife meant the distance between us remained in place. Besides, if I'm being really honest, I think my marriage would have ended much sooner if I had not started seeing the OW. We had occassionally talked about divorce. I think if seeing the OW had not given me something to be happy about, to look forward to, my W and I would have continued fighting and reached the point of divorce. Intellectually, I know my affair prolonged my marriage. Even knowing that, it's hard to be the guy who left his wife for another woman. I know I should grow up, quit complaining, and take charge of my life. What I need to know is how.

[2sure]

Wickedand weak -

 

There is nothing about this that is going to be easy. There is NO way to do damage control. There is simply no way to make the situation look or be any different than what it is. Your wife will be crushed, your family aghast, some will get over it, others will never look at you the same way again. You do not have the option of "pleasing others" here...because this has nothing to do with pleasing others.

 

So you just have to man up and do what you have to do. How?? Tell your wife everything. Hopefully she will soon be angry instead of crushed and thats a lot easier to cope with (for her).

 

Move out on your own and see a lawyer. Get the ball rolling.

 

There just is no soft sell on this. You can be wicked and forgiven, honest.

But you cant be weak as well, thats just ...gross.

[norajane]

I don't wish to have children and neither does the OW. She's a very driven, career-oriented woman. Our lives are actually very compatible.

 

This might change as she gets closer to 40. Bio clocks start ticking really loud then, even in women who believed they didn't want children, ever. Just be prepared and don't take her word now as gospel, especially if she is under 30.

 

Maybe I did only give lip service to working on my marriage.

 

Besides, if I'm being really honest, I think my marriage would have ended much sooner if I had not started seeing the OW. We had occassionally talked about divorce.

 

Then why is this the case:

 

my wife who, in spite of everything, continued to beg me to go to marriage counseling and make our relationship work

 

Why, after catching you in an affair, would your wife BEG you to try to save your marriage if you and your wife were already thinking about divorce? Finding out about your year-long affair should have been the nail in the coffin, yet it wasn't.

[Athena]

what's he in prison for?

[WickedandWeak]

This might change as she gets closer to 40. Bio clocks start ticking really loud then, even in women who believed they didn't want children, ever. Just be prepared and don't take her word now as gospel, especially if she is under 30.

 

 

 

Then why is this the case:

 

 

 

Why, after catching you in an affair, would your wife BEG you to try to save your marriage if you and your wife were already thinking about divorce? Finding out about your year-long affair should have been the nail in the coffin, yet it wasn't.

 

I really think that my W didn't want me - until she thought someone else did. It's perverse, but I think if I had told her I absolutely wanted a divorce NOW before she found out about my OW, she would have agreed. The affair hurt her; I know that. I am sorry for that. But the affair also made me appealing to her in a way I had not been before.

 

To this day, I honestly do not think my W really wants to be married to me, per se, but rather wants to be married. I think she doesn't want to give up her lifestyle, her wifeley status, or having someone else in the house to fix things, make dinner, etc. Even though I believe that, I also understand that telling her the whole truth and leaving her now will hurt her. Despite what it may have sounded like from my first post, I know I bear at least half the responsibility for the problems we had before my affair. The OW and I have talked about what went wrong in my marriage to make sure we don't repeat the same mistakes.

 

When we talked about kids, the OW told me she's as sure as she can be that she will not want children. We do both understand that it's hard to predict how you will feel about something like this when you reach a different point in your life. We communicate with each other and are honest with one another (as crazy as that sounds, I know), and I believe we can deal with anything together.

[Athena]

I think what you are feeling is called Cognitive Dissonance, look it up.

 

Here is a short description from a site called Changingminds.org:

 

 

Cognitive Dissonance

 

 

Description

 

This is the feeling of uncomfortable tension which comes from holding two conflicting thoughts in the mind at the same time.

 

Dissonance increases with:

 

* The importance of the subject to us.

* How strongly the dissonant thoughts conflict.

* Our inability to rationalize and explain away the conflict.

 

Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief. If I believe I am good but do something bad, then the discomfort I feel as a result is cognitive dissonance.

 

Cognitive dissonance is a very powerful motivator which will often lead us to change one or other of the conflicting belief or action. The discomfort often feels like a tension between the two opposing thoughts. To release the tension we can take one of three actions:

 

* Change our behavior.

* Justify our behavior by changing the conflicting cognition.

* Justify our behavior by adding new cognitions.

 

Dissonance is most powerful when it is about our self-image. Feelings of foolishness, immorality and so on (including internal projections during decision-making) are dissonance in action.

 

If an action has been completed and cannot be undone, then the after-the-fact dissonance compels us to change our beliefs. If beliefs are moved, then the dissonance appears during decision-making, forcing us to take actions we would not have taken before.

 

Cognitive dissonance appears in virtually all evaluations and decisions and is the central mechanism by which we experience new differences in the world. When we see other people behave differently to our images of them, when we hold any conflicting thoughts, we experience dissonance.

 

Dissonance increases with the importance and impact of the decision, along with the difficulty of reversing it. Discomfort about making the wrong choice of car is bigger than when choosing a lamp.

 

Note: Self-Perception Theory gives an alternative view.

[WickedandWeak]

Wickedand weak -

 

There is nothing about this that is going to be easy. There is NO way to do damage control. There is simply no way to make the situation look or be any different than what it is. Your wife will be crushed, your family aghast, some will get over it, others will never look at you the same way again. You do not have the option of "pleasing others" here...because this has nothing to do with pleasing others.

 

So you just have to man up and do what you have to do. How?? Tell your wife everything. Hopefully she will soon be angry instead of crushed and thats a lot easier to cope with (for her).

 

Move out on your own and see a lawyer. Get the ball rolling.

 

There just is no soft sell on this. You can be wicked and forgiven, honest.

But you cant be weak as well, thats just ...gross.

 

This will sound strange, but...thank you. You are absolutely right. This is probably the sort of thing I need to hear.

[Dexter Morgan]

what's he in prison for?

 

drugs.............

[2sure]

You sound like a reflective man...it is possible that your marriage is so dysfunctional that your wife is simply feeling competitive and if she were to "win" , things would go back to the way they were.

 

But you went back because you felt guilty. You are afraid of hurting your wife. If you truly believed your wife didnt love you, you wouldnt have this guilt.

 

But anyway, your decision is MADE. Rip off the band aid...if you dont do it soon, you could lose OW.