Do I need therapy to get over his cheating?

[silverbeamer]

Ok- so not much background is really required on this one... I found out that my bf had been cheating around May of this last summer. (We've known each other for about 8 years but had only really reconnected during the past year or so.) He never confessed to me rather I found out about it when I was using his laptop. I found countless explicit emails from girls on dating websites, craigs, etc... and he was actively responding to them in an attempt to make plans to meet up when I was going to be out of town on my frequent business trips. I found proof that he had 2-3 actually come over to his house but the volume of others he had made contact with and the extreme amount of lies he told them all was completely astounding. The day that I found them he had sent emails to a few different girls wanting to see them later that day which was impossible because I was with him.

 

I was crushed and mad and humiliated that he was sneaking around my back and had never felt that kind of pain ever in my life. He was the one I was going to marry and he was a disgusting liar in my eyes. I obviously confronted him about it and he never denied doing it but never had a reason why he did. After some major soul searching I decided that whatever was going on in his head was so much bigger then the fact he was a cheat- I've never been one to kick a dog when they were down. He would have done the same thing if he were dating a supermodel or a millionaire... his actions really had nothing to do with me and he would have continued no matter who he was with. Once I stopped taking his actions personally I hoped I could forget.

 

Now over 7 months have passed since I found out about everything... I know he has stopped his questionable behavior and he loves me more then I ever expected. Our relationship has completely changed- we bought a home together and we are making plans for our future...

 

BUT- I can't stop thinking about all of those emails that I found. There hasn't been a single day that has gone by where I haven't replayed them in my mind. I can't get over it. I love him and I love where we are but I'm deathly afraid that if I can't learn to cope with this then someday it's going to blow up. He doesn't know I still think about it... I figure there isn't any reason to bring it up now since he beat himself up pretty badly the first time around.

 

Do I need to speak with a therapist? If yes, what kind? This is all new to me but I really do want to fix myself so that I can be the best gf/wife possible. I'm at a loss right now. Would it do me any good to talk to him about it?

 

I'm so tired of all of this and just want to find a way to make it better. Ideas?

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm so tired of all of this and just want to find a way to make it better. Ideas?

Probably not the feedback you want, but the best way to make it better (and save yourself years of grief in the process) would be to drop him and move on. Hooking up with "countless" women when one is in a commotted relationship isn't just cheating, it's acting out a compulsive behavior and destructive pathology that will reemerge at some point down the road. It doesn't just go away and get better in 7 months.

 

Cut out my response and the others that you'll get here and look at them 5 years from now. I'll bet you'll either be glad you followed the advice or wish you had. Sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

I agree with Mr. Lucky, and I'll add that your BF is the one who should be seeking therapy to fix whatever the f*ck is wrong with him that he would do this cheating while you were "reconnecting".

 

Why on earth did you buy a house with him?

 

And what makes you sure that he won't do this again? If you already figured out this problem is with HIM and not your relationship, if he hasn't done anything to address what's wrong with him, why do you think he won't do it again in the future? Odds are really good that he will.

 

You can't get over this because 1) he's done NOTHING to address the main problem within himself, 2) you have no reason to believe he won't do it again since he gave you no reason why he did it this time, 3) the incredible amount of disrespect and disregard for you is not something you just 'get over, and 4) your trust in him has been irreparably damaged...you can only start from scratch to rebuild, but you will not be able to just trust blindly anymore without needing to check up on him all the time or periodically.

 

Therapy won't help you get over it because you are not the problem. Your reaction is perfectly natural. Therapy might help you figure out why you are willing to stay with a proven cheater.

[silverbeamer]

Ok- I guess I'm not surprised to hear your reactions. If I were on the outside looking in that might be my first response too. But the fact is that I'm not going to leave him for this and the house is all mine (his name is only on the mailbox and he has no ownership of anything). We had talked about adding his name to it in a few months if we wanted.

 

Going further into this a little more- can't people change? I realize that what he was doing was completely self destructive, he was drinking a lot and just did not have a very happy life. He's changed. He's working out and doesn't have more then a beer or two in a week and he doesn't have time to talk to other girls. He knows if he did this again he would lose everything in his life... home, car, his family and our friends.

 

Regardless of what he still needs to work on---- what can I do to make myself stop replaying the messages in my head? How can I feel better about this? I knew that if I had left him immediately after I found out of his infidelity I'd never be able to trust a man ever again. I do trust him.

[norajane]

We had talked about adding his name to it in a few months if we wanted.

 

If you listen to NO other advice on this thread, DO NOT add his name to the title!!!!

 

If he should cheat again and you decide you don't want to be treated that way anymore, he will own half your house.

 

And if you insist on adding his name to the title, he should PAY you for half of your equity, and he should be PAYING you for half the mortgage.

 

Take care of yourself and your investment, because you cannot predict what he will or won't do in the future and the last thing you want is him meeting up with scads of women after you've given him half your home.

 

Going further into this a little more- can't people change?

 

Yes, they can. However, he needs to go therapy and get to the bottom of what made him cheat in the first place. You can't blame it on drinking. That's not why...that just made it EASIER for him to do it by decreasing his inhibitions.

 

Regardless of what he still needs to work on---- what can I do to make myself stop replaying the messages in my head? How can I feel better about this? I knew that if I had left him immediately after I found out of his infidelity I'd never be able to trust a man ever again. I do trust him.

Time is the only thing that will help. Time, and seeing him making a serious effort to rebuilt trust, seeing that he is trustworthy. He also needs to give you access to all his emails and cell phone records and anything else, so you don't have to wonder if he's starting it up again.

 

You say you trust him, but the knife is still twisting in your gut that he could do this to you. That he is capable of doing it. And seeing the actual proof that he could treat you like that is what's bugging you. Has he done anything to try to make it up to you? Stopping cheating isn't enough. He needs to be showing you that you are more important to him than the cheap thrills he got from cheating.

 

But, either way, only time is going to dull the content of those messages.

[SierraRose]

This is a payback story that will at least make you smile:

 

I remember a friend of mine back in HS. She was in a LTR for about 3 years or so. She had her suspicions, (this was before cell phones existed!) and one day she went thru his wallet. Viola! She found OW phone numbers.

 

She said nothing, copied down the numbers and put everything back as they were. As soon as she had the opportunity, she called up these other girls (he already had met one, the other was in the works of meeting). She played the "boo-hoo, poor me roll, he's my b/f role.." All three woman bought it, hook, line and sinker. She befriended them. The plan was set.

 

She invited her b/f over on day..said let's go to my bedroom..I wanna talk. Once the door was closed, she weepily confronted him about the phone numbers. He lied, made excuses, claimed he never called or met. They started to argue, belittling her..blahh, blah... As soon as the timing was right..BAM..she opened up her closet door and there standing before him were 2 of other girls...LMAO...CLASSIC...

 

He ran so fast and never looked back....

[Mr. Lucky]

BUT- I can't stop thinking about all of those emails that I found. There hasn't been a single day that has gone by where I haven't replayed them in my mind. I can't get over it.

Your ignoring a valuable tool, namely your gut instinct. In this case, call it woman's intuition. Regardless, this nagging feeling your getting is nature's wake-up call that you're doing the wrong thing and on a path that will put you in harm's way. Ignore it (and the good advice you've gotten here on things like the title to your house) at your peril...

 

Mr. Lucky

[silverbeamer]

I'm not disagreeing with any of your comments and as always I appreciate the honest straightforward advice that I've come to expect on this site.

 

I know his issues come from his relationship with his parents. They are great now but he felt that they didn't care about him as a child, favored his siblings, ignored him. He was looking for unconditional acceptance and these other women would give him that... for a few hours or a night or whatever. I truly think he changed once he realized that I wasn't going to walk away from him.

 

I'll wait to put his name on the house. He does pay half of the mortgage now and has been since we moved in. We've been talking about buying another condo and renting mine out so I'll just let him buy the next one and keep my own in case I need an 'out'.

 

What kind of therapy does he/me/we need to go to? Can I just go to any doctor or is there a certain kind that will be better? I've never done the therapy thing so I'm at a total loss...I'm certain if I tell him that it's important to me that he'll go.

 

He really is a good man. He's changed a lot and he's the one that is always initiating conversations about marriage and kids...his commitment to me has shown that he's not going to revert back to his old ways. He would absolutely give me all of his email passwords, etc, but I'm not the kind of person that would ask for it.

 

 

Life is full of decisions and if he makes the decision to cheat again then he'll have to deal with the consequences.

[Mr. Lucky]

You sound like a really caring and good person and I wish you the best, regardless of how things turn out. Since most of your concerns seem to involve your reaction to the history, your best bet may be IC. Do you have insurance through work? The list of therapists on your plan might be a place to start...

 

Mr. Lucky

[norajane]

Individual counseling for each of you, and couples counseling together.

 

Do not marry him before you've gone through some couples counseling. Do not agree to marry him while those messages are still going through your head.

[silverbeamer]

Thank you to all who took the time to respond to me. I guess I'll just find a doc for me to talk to first and then ask him to attend couples counseling together. I would never, ever, ever marry him without first clearing up my feelings. I guess I feel like he's going to pop the question in probably the next 6 months (or even earlier) so that's why all of this really has been on my mind a lot more then before. I'm concerned with getting my head straightened out so that if/when we do commit to each other fully that I won't have any concerns about our future.

[Trialbyfire]

I know his issues come from his relationship with his parents. They are great now but he felt that they didn't care about him as a child, favored his siblings, ignored him.

Does he also have issues at work or school, where he feels he's not being properly recognized? Does he have many friends?

[silverbeamer]

Does he also have issues at work or school, where he feels he's not being properly recognized? Does he have many friends?

 

Good questions and I see how it could be applicable but when he was actually in the middle of cheating he was very successful at work and had a few friends in town.

 

Since I found out things have changed a little... He is in the process of looking for a new job and really hasn't been in contact with his friends recently. I continue to encourage and support him to get everything back on track.

 

Have you seen similar behavior caused by lack of friends or issues at work?

[Trialbyfire]

Good questions and I see how it could be applicable but when he was actually in the middle of cheating he was very successful at work and had a few friends in town.

 

Since I found out things have changed a little... He is in the process of looking for a new job and really hasn't been in contact with his friends recently. I continue to encourage and support him to get everything back on track.

 

Have you seen similar behavior caused by lack of friends or issues at work?

Before I get into what I've seen, a few more questions.

 

Say he gets a speeding ticket, is he furious and is it always unfair? Why is he changing jobs? What happened to his friends? Were they longtime friends or just friends for a few years?

 

Edit - Does he always put other people down? Acting like he's superior?

[silverbeamer]

Before I get into what I've seen, a few more questions.

 

Say he gets a speeding ticket, is he furious and is it always unfair? Why is he changing jobs? What happened to his friends? Were they longtime friends or just friends for a few years?

 

Edit - Does he always put other people down? Acting like he's superior?

 

Speeding ticket... no he's usually not very mad about it. He figures its about time that they caught him. But when just driving in general everyone else is driving too slow/doesn't merge right/is just dumb... so I'm guessing that's about the same thing. He gets very anxious when he's driving and is very quick to honk or flash his lights at another car if he thinks they are doing something wrong. He always thinks that he is in the right and has mentioned many times that he should just 'hit' someone (with his vehicle) in his way.

 

He is changing jobs because he doesn't get along with management generally. In the past year he's worked for two companies for about a month each. Like I said before he previously was a very high earner so he's not facing any financial issues by not having a steady income. I assume there are a lot more issues at work then what he's telling me. I only found out that he wasn't going back after the fact.

 

His main group of friends right now are those that he met while earning his MBA. They are all married, successful men and have recently had children so that, IMO, is one of the main reasons he doesn't see them much any more. Also he would rather not make the effort to keep in touch with some of his friends.

 

Yes, I would say that he does act superior to others quite often. He is quick to judge another person and claims that he generally has someone figured out within the first few minutes of meeting them. (which he attributes to his job in sales)

 

Not that you asked about this but just a few more items to share about him... right now he's working from home. He generally only leaves to go to the gym. On the weekends he would be completely content to lay on the couch the entire day and never leave. It's not that he's a shut in rather he just doesn't want to expend the energy to get out and actually do anything.

 

Thanks Trial... your insight is appreciated.

[Trialbyfire]

Going back to his family situation, can you flesh that out a bit more? Have you seen his family dynamics? How does he explain his relationship with his parents, sibs and extended family?

[sunshinegirl]

Oh my, oh my, oh my.

 

This is probably a lesson you will insist on learning the hard way. That's okay... I defended my ex in similar ways; I protected him; explained his bad behavior away; sympathized with him; and looked to MYSELF to be the one who needed to change/mold myself/accommodate him.

 

Didn't work, by the way, but that's almost beside the point.

 

Eventually I think you need to start looking within to figure out why you would stay with someone who betrayed you so deeply. What is your own family history, and are you replaying old patterns and scripts in this relationship?

 

It is very very troubling to me that he seems to have never offered any explanation for why he did what he did; and you have yet to tell us that he's learned anything from it. Sure, fine, he's reformed his behavior, for now, but unless he has changed his fundamental thinking and assumptions, you're going to face this exact thing somewhere again down the line.

 

Until you start understanding why you would accept such shabby treatment, I don't think you're going to get very far in this relationship...

[2sunny]

if it were me i'd leave him.

 

he's not the only man on the face of the earth! you have resolved yourself that you need to live with his total disregard for you by seeing those other womEn (yes, he made the effort for many). why don't you want more for yourself?

 

just because you have history with him doesn't mean that it's been healthy or happy or that you need to continue down this road of settling for half a man. you need to understand why you would think that this inadequacy is enough for you (it isn't). this isn't what happy looks like!

 

he will do this again.

 

he is on his best behavior because he has a place to live, because he will ask you to marry him. HE WILL do this again in the future when the dust settles. i guarantee it. i speak from experience.

 

is this what you want after you've been married for 15 years and have several kids - meanwhile you "think" you're living a happy life while he's cheating behind your back?

 

YOU haven't done ANYTHING wrong - HE HAS! kick his a$$ to the curb and learn how to be happy on your own before you settle for another loser. that way at least you will understand when YOU are healthy that you are entitled to a GREAT choice in a man... in fact you will understand that you will settle for nothing less than amazing in a relationship.

[silverbeamer]

Thank you sunny and sunshine for taking the time to respond to my original post... at this point I'm not really looking for advice on whether or not I should stay with him. I am staying. I've already made that decision.

 

Also- as I've mentioned previously he was not doing this because of me and therefore it wasn't in an effort to get something that I wasn't giving him. It had nothing to do with me rather he was acting in a self destructive way and now it's over.

 

IF he decides to cheat again I can't stop him... he's a grown man and needs to be able to make the decision between right and wrong. For me- staying with him is the right decision... I'm simply trying to get some insight on how to better deal with the lingering feelings I have.

 

So- again thank you for posting but I will not leave him at this point. Cheers!

[silverbeamer]

Going back to his family situation, can you flesh that out a bit more? Have you seen his family dynamics? How does he explain his relationship with his parents, sibs and extended family?

 

I have seen the family dynamic... they are an average family from the midwest. One older brother and older sister...one married unhappily and the other on her third marriage... parents are still together and the mother is a happy letting her husband make all the decisions in the house. My bf continues to strive for his parents approval and is always telling them stories- generally exaggerated--about different activities he's involved with or huge business deals he's completed. My bf is the jokester and is rarely very serious. I know he is constantly seeking approval from everyone whether it's his family or me. He probably tells me he loves me 15+ times each day (if not more-- which I don't know if relates to where you're going or not...)

 

 

During this 'dark' time in his life he would get pretty down about once a week. It seemed like any time that I would leave him at home for a few hours or so by the time I'd get back he'd be 'there'... he'd be very serious and would just not want to do anything. He was obviously depressed and it would affect him pretty seriously. On one night in particular he began drinking when he was feeling down and he explained (with tears streaming down his face) that everyone in his life has always left him. He felt like his parents didn't care about him as a child and that he was pretty much on his own since about 8 years old. I predict they didn't know how to love him... he most likely made it pretty clear to them that he didn't need any parents around and was very independent from a very young age. He was rarely at home and would rather spend time at other friend's homes.

 

I appreciate you taking the time to help me work through this. Obviously it's a huge part of my life and I really feel the need to get it all straightened out before we enter the next stage of our relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm no professional, as in psychiatrist/psychiatrist/therapist but if this sounds familiar, you might want to suggest that he sees a professional, to get professionally diagnosed.

 

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/borderline-personality-disorder.shtml

[2sunny]

what's to deal with then? you've already decided to "settle" for this as your "norm."

 

now that you've decided, buck up and live with it then... no complaints and no excuses.

 

nothing you can do about his behavior - either you accept it or change your position by leaving.

 

you have made your decision, i wish you luck... now accept it for what it is - which looks like inadequacy in my eyes... but hey - what do i know?

[Mr. Lucky]

IF he decides to cheat again I can't stop him... he's a grown man and needs to be able to make the decision between right and wrong. For me- staying with him is the right decision... I'm simply trying to get some insight on how to better deal with the lingering feelings I have.

 

So- again thank you for posting but I will not leave him at this point. Cheers!

If he can't articulate what made him stray (multiple times!!!) before, how can you be confident that he won't do it again? What has he changed? Many of the "triggers" for him - job and financial challenges, need for approval, time on his hands, etc. - still seem to surround him...

 

Mr. Lucky