If you have dated someone that is narcisstic

[kymberann]

If the company of someone is a hidden burden to your self esteem, and you feel like it is something you should not discuss or mutually resolve. Keeping the peace means walking on eggshells. That is a huge flag that something is way wrong in the dynamic.

 

Time and distance is the only medicine.

 

Figure out the answers for yourself not him/her, and let the experience strengthen you.

 

Some people just suck.

 

There are better mountains ahead once you crawl out of the pond scum.

 

Ohh this is so true. I could not be open and I had to literally change the conversation to keep him settled. I need this reminder to get on and get over. It is amazing what people can do to you when you allow it. That is why I got out regardless of where I was going to end up. That is still up in the air but at least I am out!

[jamie2002]

HI steve9417,

 

I am so sorry to hear about you past relationship.

It looks like you and i and it seems more and more people have gone through some rough times with these kinds of people. I am glad if anything you have closure and learned very valuable lessons like I have. Its a gift that we are such caring giving people so dont ever lose that.. these people will continue to put there hurt on everyone in there path. It is just how they work. Your ex will also hurt everyone she meets so just thank your lucky stars someone above helped you get strong and get out even if you went back..you are humen and they have a really good way of pulling you back in because they manipulate your feelings. I love that part where you said you would rather eat glass.. its sooo true i would rather do the same.. just remember there was nothing you could have done different. I bet you were a great guy to her and she pushed you away so now you will be ready for the right girl and stronger from the experience. Also know that a lot of people that go through this kind of experience never get better and some commit suicide because of the deep depression that they go in and the total lack of self esteem and energy for life that is fact.... so stay strong and its almost a brand new year. I am here if you have anymore venting to do! I totally feel your pain and still cant believe i went through such a horrible experience.. life is a trip for sure!!!

[steve9417]

thx jamie .... yes - i believe that many of the folks on this site are caring & sensitive people .... we're trying to make sense of ourselves based on the fact that a relationship that once offered so much hope went on to end with such distress. How could that be ? What more could i have done .... if only i'd said that .... if only ....... etc

 

people often get depressed when they lose sight of the person they once were before a entering a damaging relationship … they bend over backwards to the point that once its finished they can’t stand up straight again … to place ones happiness in the hands of another person is a risk I’ll take again though I’ll know next time when the self respect boundary has been crossed – its so easy to lose sight of that in the pursuit of keeping a memory alive until you later realise that all you’ve got left is a carcass.

 

your 100% right when you say she’ll do this to whom ever she meets ….. she’s a deep insecurity and a lot of hurt to dish out to any unsuspecting partner – some of the things she said when I look back lacked so much compassion and love and often could spring out without any provocation.

 

your point on depression and going onto do worse things ……. what I would say is it’s very very very important to get “closure” …… and with this type of person its hard to get but thankfully I did ….. her last words to me were that she might call me again when she gets herself sorted – she needs time now to rest and look after herself – she’s exhausted by the whole thing of not knowing what to do etc etc she said so much crap to me over the last 4 months it makes me laugh now ….. I got closure as I know she’s back with this guy and relaxed and happily making plans with him and exploring what their relationship could be like (she never called me to tell me this by the way – I had to find that out myself) …….. I know she’ll call one day when her new love is not so “amazing” and she realises that she moved into a new relationship to get “away” from the hurt she was dishing out to me and not because she was moving “towards” love with him …… she’ll cry a bit, say she’s missing me and ask if we can talk …. all the lies and deceit make this easy now ……… the door is closed forever now and I’ve boarded it up and eaten the key

 

people like you Jamie are great and I thank you for your thoughts and affirmations – having the chance to express my anxiety, mess, confusion, uncertainty and strength of character has really helped me …....

[Benique]

jamie2002,

it happens so often nowadays ..

Many young people are really narcisstic and so selfish ,but you get to know of it . From their actions.

[Surfer Dude]

Oh people... I can't even begin to tell you how selfish and narcisstic my ex was.

 

The psychological definition of narcissism: Narcissism is a set of character traits concerned with self-admiration, self-centeredness and self-regard.

NPD: the traits manifest as severe selfishness and disregard for the needs and feelings of others.

 

My ex fits every definition in the book, plus fits all the patterns of behavior you have all already described here. I'm going to write down some things she used to do, and I'll let you guys decide if this is narcisstic behavior:

 

She was would regard only her own needs, e.g. when she woke up she would prepare breakfast only for herself and just left me hungry.

 

She once waited for me in the airpot, and I was extremely tired after a 17 hour trip and just wanted to go home, take shower and sleep. But she insisted on having a meal in the airport and I had to wait for her for hours there while she took her time to eat.

 

At some point she wouldn't talk to me and kiss me anymore, I asked why and tried real hard to make the situation right, and later when I asked her why she did what she did, she just said "many guys have a crush on me, but I wanted to make sure you love me the most". It's quite obvious here that she didn't feel any love for me, only cared about the amount of love she was getting from other people.

 

She would provoke arguments out of the blue and made fuss about every little thing that didn't go the way she wanted.

 

I was once staying at her apartment for 2 weeks during summer vacation but she had only one small bed in her room. She didn't even bother getting a futon or a mattress for me to sleep on, I slept on the floor on a f*cking sleeping bag and she didn't even bother to buy a blanket prior to my arrival, I had to cover myself with a towel.

 

When we were outside, I told her "you smell real nice", she burst into tears and yelled at me that I think she stinks. All of this was in a public place, she'd always make scenes in public places, trains, streets etc. making scenes in private wasn't fun for her probably.

 

What really upset me is when I asked her "do you know xyz girl in your uni? we used to be friends ages ago, but I haven't talked to her in years", and she started crying "so i'm just a substitute for her?!?!"

 

But by far the worst thing about her was her lack of compassion for people, she was always saying that poor people and homeless people are worthless and stupid and how she hated them, she always commented on ugly and fat people, especially hated shy people and people with glasses (she used to call them "geeks").

 

She calls her friends by derogative nicknames such as "pig" etc. Someone should really punch her in the face.

 

When her friends bought expensive handbags or Dior or Gucci sunglasses, she'd buy them immediately the next day just because they had them, even though such things cost a fortune.

 

I can't believe I was in love with that bitch... Love really blinds people. I'm thanking God she cheated and broke up with me, I would've gone crazy had I stayed with her. These people can seriously make you mentally ill.

 

The amount of attention she requires from people is just terrible. This girl is literally scared of being alone with herself, because she hates herself and needs validation from people to feel normal. And she hated me because I was making her feel ordinary.

 

When we just met, she told me "you know, I'm a really selfish and stubborn girl", but I thought she was just being humble or said that for no real reason. Should've believed her when she said it and bailed when I had a chance. People often say the truth about them but we tend to disregard it.

 

I'm really ashamed I let her do those things to me. Should've been a man and dumped her. Lesson learned.

[jamie2002]

Steve9417

Yes it is very important to get the closure so you can heal.. and they will never give it to you so like you i found a way to get closure for myself and also shut the door for life..

I am soo glad i can help if anything just to shed some light that you are not alone... it makes me feel so good that i have helped you even in a small way just to move forward..i felt everyone of the pains you are feeling i cried everyday for at least a year after soo much pain for someone to take on it amazes me that we both got through it..

I promise she will return to you and want to get back in your life as soon as she sees the grass is brown on the other side..which it always will be for her after the honeymoon period is gone.. but now you are strong enough to push her away and say No more or better no contact back at all.. that is the best healing you can do because they hate no responses and it heals you in the process.. its crazy how long you hold onto that small very small memory of the perfect girl the ONE.. believe me i know so well.. it almost makes you lose hope that you will ever find that kind of feeling again in your life.. but you will but in a different healthy NORMAL loving way.. you played the game long enough and remember always all they were is an illusion and you were a playing piece on the game board.. but like me you will never take any more kind of abuse again and you will spot that kind of abuse almost immediatly your gut will tell you to run!!!

[jamie2002]

Hi surferdude,

It breaks my heart that you went through this much pain also.. as of many here on the board..

 

Yes your ex seems to be one also..its so scary there are so many of them out there and they all seem to fit the very same profile and actions..

 

Please please dont blame yourself for not getting out sooner and being ashamed that you let yourself go through it...it is soo easy to fall for this kind of person that is why it is so scary.. they are charming,hot,smart,funny,witty, and every other thing you think of the word CHARM.. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT> everytime you get sad or mad at yourself remember that please..

 

You are such a stronger person to get yourself out of the mess a lot stronger than you think i am sure. She is the weak one and that is why she tries to take your strong spirit.. whatever you do dont let her..she will be the empty shell she is forever..and in time you will find TRUE love and someone that treats you exactly the way you deserve..

 

You should keep a journal and put all of your anger on paper get it out as much as you need to or come here to my post and vent as much as you want.. i know on every level the amount of pain you have taken in..i am a true witness of the damage but i am also a strong believer that they picked us not because we are weak but because we have special things inside of us that they do not have and they want to take it from us.. they are the gifts that make us who we are.. dont ever change.. just be aware and TRUST your gut ..you will know if you ever come across one of these people again..the smooth talker pretty girl won't fool you again..

[kizik]

Jamie,

 

while I deeply understand the pain you are going through, I think we need to be careful with the term 'narcissist,' as it is essentially a clinical psychological term which few if any of us are qualified to throw around.

 

Let's just call it selfish. Your ex, and mine, and almost everyone's on this board, is very, very selfish. They care more about satisfying their own insatiable needs than anything or anyone else in the world.

[jamie2002]

Kizik- You are correct I can't for sure determine if they are N or not but everyone here on my site will know for sure the difference between selfish and N.. There is a HUGE difference and only people that have truely gone through it will know for sure..so if i am assuming that all the people on this board have N exes than i am sorry and I don't mean to throw the word around.. but everyone of there experiences are very very similar to mine and i have seen help and know what mine is.. but even if they are just very very selfish or N they are all very bad for our lives and we need to stay far away from them.. that is really the message i am trying to give not that i can know for sure if everyone is N. I advise everyone to read up on the subject and rule that out themselves ..

[Surfer Dude]

Hi surferdude,

It breaks my heart that you went through this much pain also.. as of many here on the board..

 

Yes your ex seems to be one also..its so scary there are so many of them out there and they all seem to fit the very same profile and actions..

 

Please please dont blame yourself for not getting out sooner and being ashamed that you let yourself go through it...it is soo easy to fall for this kind of person that is why it is so scary.. they are charming,hot,smart,funny,witty, and every other thing you think of the word CHARM.. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT> everytime you get sad or mad at yourself remember that please..

 

You are such a stronger person to get yourself out of the mess a lot stronger than you think i am sure. She is the weak one and that is why she tries to take your strong spirit.. whatever you do dont let her..she will be the empty shell she is forever..and in time you will find TRUE love and someone that treats you exactly the way you deserve..

 

You should keep a journal and put all of your anger on paper get it out as much as you need to or come here to my post and vent as much as you want.. i know on every level the amount of pain you have taken in..i am a true witness of the damage but i am also a strong believer that they picked us not because we are weak but because we have special things inside of us that they do not have and they want to take it from us.. they are the gifts that make us who we are.. dont ever change.. just be aware and TRUST your gut ..you will know if you ever come across one of these people again..the smooth talker pretty girl won't fool you again..

 

You're so right, these people are so charming, funny, sexy it's almost unbelievable. When you start dating you're thinking how lucky you are because you have just hit a jackpot, but have no idea that this person is your demise.

 

Right now I could spot such types from a mile away, the likes of her can't fool me anymore. We live in a society where such having such a rotten personality goes a long way and is even rewarded, but what goes around comes around. In fact, she is such a miserable little girl, I'd almost feel sorry for her if I didn't feel disgust, knowing she is unable to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. Everything she touches goes to waste, that's how things are. Who knows, I might even pity her in a couple of years

[EmperorR]

Ah let me tell you about my ex.

 

Only me me me first, in the 3 years we were together not once did we do anything I wanted to. One time we went to see a movie, she didn't like the movie, I wanted to see thsi movie, so she got up and left of course being the doormat I was got up with her to. I would travel 2 hours to go see her 3-4 times a week sometimes when I went after a long ass trip, 5 minutes later she wanted to go home because she was tired, like i wasn't tired after a long 8 hours at work and still took the time 2 hours to go see you and your tired after doing nothing all day.

 

 

We shared the same credit card, I wasn't allow to buy anything unless it was important but poor old me first cheating ex, always needed things, of course I was a doormat and didn't object.

 

She would talk to guys etc. it was all ok, but if i talked to one girl that was it, hell she got upset at me because I was in my sister's wedding adn had to walk down teh aisle with a girl, tleling me you should only walk down teh aisle with me. SHe didn't even attend my sister's wedding because she had to study, even though I attended all her stupid friend's parties and never complained.

[EmperorR]

You're so right, these people are so charming, funny, sexy it's almost unbelievable. When you start dating you're thinking how lucky you are because you have just hit a jackpot, but have no idea that this person is your demise.

 

Right now I could spot such types from a mile away, the likes of her can't fool me anymore. We live in a society where such having such a rotten personality goes a long way and is even rewarded, but what goes around comes around. In fact, she is such a miserable little girl, I'd almost feel sorry for her if I didn't feel disgust, knowing she is unable to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. Everything she touches goes to waste, that's how things are. Who knows, I might even pity her in a couple of years

 

I agree 110%, my ex charmed me like a snake charmer, i thought wow such a beautiful sweet intelligent lady. Lol boy was I wrong, quickly she became cranky, crying every day, psychotic, crazy jealous, but like a idiot I stuck with her. I'm sure her new bf prob thinks hes so lucky as well, i feel sorry for him when she cheats on him when she visits the guy she cheated on me with in europe again next year.

[Surfer Dude]

I agree 110%, my ex charmed me like a snake charmer, i thought wow such a beautiful sweet intelligent lady. Lol boy was I wrong, quickly she became cranky, crying every day, psychotic, crazy jealous, but like a idiot I stuck with her. I'm sure her new bf prob thinks hes so lucky as well, i feel sorry for him when she cheats on him when she visits the guy she cheated on me with in europe again next year.

 

Yeah, my ex was like that too, cranky, flaky, crying for no reason, selfish etc...

 

So your ex also cheated on you when she went to Europe? Funny, my ex did the same when she came here, the moment she landed in EU she started chasing guys and sleeping around. Must be something in the air lol.

[EmperorR]

Yeah, my ex was like that too, cranky, flaky, crying for no reason, selfish etc...

 

So your ex also cheated on you when she went to Europe? Funny, my ex did the same when she came here, the moment she landed in EU she started chasing guys and sleeping around. Must be something in the air lol.

 

yep she's russian so she went back home to see her grandparents one last time before they died, first week was great, i love you, i miss you somuch, second week she met her friend's friend and they started hanging out, and she stayed with him the whole week. Continued lying to me when she called me and whens he emailed me that she was at a internet cafe, another thing that sickens me I was writing long emails and spending a arm and a leg calling her and talking to her and she would just fake it, act like everything is ok all she stopped saying was I love you but I never thought of anything like she cheated on me then and there. Ended up screwing him 3 times, probably more thats just the number she told me.

 

Also told me how experienced he was, and that he's 28, and he was so sweet because he drove her around fro a week, and that he cares about her:rolleyes:, and he bought her flowers when she left.

 

Unlike alot of people who cheat and apologize at least, i didn't even get a apology i just got im the reason why she cheated because I didn't go on teh trip with her, and that i was distancing myself:rolleyes:, of course i bought into that bullcrap at first before my eyes were open, i just realized how psycho and weird she realy was, from cutting herself when iw as going to dump her in year one, to message and calling every one of my female friends basically telling them to f off, to checking my email every single day, to saying how i was distancing myself, then to saying I was to clingy. Then telling me she didn't love me, then telling me she loved me 8.5 out of ten, and telling me if she never cheated we would have been together like wow really tell me something I don't know.

 

She's a piece of scum Hell she even was texting the guy and emailing him when she came back jus tpouring more salt on my wounds, respecting some herb she knew for a total of one week, whose probably like ya i got to screw this hot girl and don't even have to be in a relationship with her.

 

I feel sorry for her new bf, as she's going back to russia next year for her friend's wedding and the guy she screwed will be in it.

[steve9417]

Hi Surfer Dude .....

 

amazing similarity - my ex normally was increadibly rude to people of lower social standing ..... it was as if they were other life forms and not folks to have some feeling for - my view is "there but for the grace of God go we" and thus when i stated she was being rude i'd get the "f*** off .... they stink !"

 

But by far the worst thing about her was her lack of compassion for people, she was always saying that poor people and homeless people are worthless and stupid and how she hated them, she always commented on ugly and fat people, especially hated shy people and people with glasses (she used to call them "geeks").

 

i was drawn to my ex due to an amazing beginning - she was in a relationship living with a guy when i met her (yes i know i should have been smelling the coffee then) we had a fantastic start .... lots of things in common / passion for outdoors / skiing / fun holidays and lots of laughter .... i held onto those great beginnings and i know that emotionally and subconsiously i wanted to get them back - alas we had fundimental differences but yet i was drawn to her even after we split ........ what's been important is the fact that i've learnt more about myself due to the pain this loss has brought me - i know that as i heal i feel far stronger as i invest and look after myself

 

oh and and as for being ashamed - perhaps its better to realise we're fallable and prone to making mistakes

 

I'm really ashamed I let her do those things to me. Should've been a man and dumped her. Lesson learned.

 

this period is a great personal opportunity to learn and grown - there was a reason why we NEEDED to be in a such abusive relationships ( think they call it secondary gains) - for me it was tied into my self worth and self love else i'd have pulled out far quicker ...... now i'm aware i intend to learn and invest so i'm better prepared for the future .....

[Surfer Dude]

Hi Surfer Dude .....

 

amazing similarity - my ex normally was increadibly rude to people of lower social standing ..... it was as if they were other life forms and not folks to have some feeling for - my view is "there but for the grace of God go we" and thus when i stated she was being rude i'd get the "f*** off .... they stink !"

 

She would often call people "cockroaches" and "insects". Like, "there are so many cockroaches who have a crush on me" or "my friends are lower than insects".

 

She is super likable, pretty, it's easy for her to seduce guys and has tons of friends, but only because she puts up a facade. If everyone saw her true personality, she would be the loneliest person in the world.

 

this period is a great personal opportunity to learn and grown - there was a reason why we NEEDED to be in a such abusive relationships ( think they call it secondary gains) - for me it was tied into my self worth and self love else i'd have pulled out far quicker ...... now i'm aware i intend to learn and invest so i'm better prepared for the future .....

Yes, these traumatic experiences provide an immense opportunity for personal growth. I realized that she is not the source of all the anger, frustrations and depressions that bother me, but just a trigger for them, all this is an indication of deeper issues that exist within me.

 

I've invested lots of energy into rationalizing these issues, so that I could start fixing them. For example, if I look at her facebook, see she has 300 friends and flirts with guys there, I will be upset. But I am aware that those problems arise from my own insecurities and frustrations. It's up to me to fix them. Once I break free of my own chains, I will be set free and fully ready for the next wonderful relationships coming my way.

[marlena]

So I am so glad I found this thread as support is truly needed.

I am glad I got out when I did, but now I am still left with the clean up!

Help!

 

Kymberann,

 

It was about two years ago practically to the day when I first posted my distress and anguish over a horrible relationship with a person who I now know was a seriously disturbed individual. You were one of the first to step in with your support and this I will never forget.

 

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am with the turn of events in your life. Just know that it will all be all right in the end. It always is. You are stronger than you know. Take pride in yourself for resisting and stay determined to come out a winner. These people exert a rare charm that is as lethal as it is seductive. Consider yourself a heroine for having the guts and the brains to get out.

 

M