Sunset Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 For fear of getting bashed in the Infidelity Forum I decided to post on here instead hoping you can help me. I have a long story but I will make it very short. Married, approx 4 years ago I started an affair with someone at work. It was very passionate and very difficult and in the end I could not cope with the deceit so I finished it 2 1/2 years ago. But I have never gotten him out of my head. He tried and tried to get in contact with me so I changed my number, email address etc. I thought about him almost every day and three weeks ago I got i touch with him again. We have been on line and text but I have not met up with him. I think he is a Casanova who likes the thrill of the chase and prob has a few women if I am honest with you all but he just has that knack of making me feel so special and having excuses for the times he could not get in touch. I am on here to ask..how do you get someone out of your head? Please no nasty comments, I have told myself them all a million times. It is really getting to me, my head is a mess and I can't afford to be like this...I just wish I had never met him. Don't know what possessed me to text him again, seemed like a good idea and now I am here. I posted here because I think some of you OW`may have had to deal with this situation and getting someone out of your head...its like an addiction, I feel needy, I look a mess, eating the wrong foods but can't tell anyone. My friends picked me up last time and if I tell them I have text him again they will go mental. So hoping for some cyberfriends please x
lkjh Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Have you told your H? Have you thought about the fact that you are exposing yourself and your H to STD's? After all you said it your self the guy is probably sleeping around. If you can not be honest with your H and you can not stay true you may want to seek a divorce. You have a responsibility to more people than yourself, just don't take your H for everything he has. You are addicted and you can not break that unless you are honest with everyone involved. A lot of people are going to tell you to just suck it up and don't say anything; but remember 10 years from now when all of this has passed you are going to have to look back on what you did today. If you choose to continue and decieve your family are you going to be able to live with that?
lkjh Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 You don't want harsh comments but what you are doing to your family is 1000X times more harsh than anything we can say.
Geishawhelk Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Believe it or noit, the only one who can get him out of your head - is you. The instant you think of him, think of how you would re-decorate your bathroom. Or do a really tricky sum in your head. Or decide what changes you'd make if you were in charge of traffic in your town. Or how would you go about improving safety for unwanted pets, in order to prevent them being put down? Let the thought of him immediately become a trigger for thinking of something else. It's hard at first, but really concentrate. In fact, opt for the matrhs equasions first. four figure sums. Multiplied. added, divided and subtracted. To each other. It's hard work. But it DOES work. Make it habitual. Because your only cure, is you.
norajane Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I think he is a Casanova who likes the thrill of the chase and prob has a few women if I am honest with you all but he just has that knack of making me feel so special and having excuses for the times he could not get in touch.Maybe it's time for some therapy to help you figure out why you find a playa so attractive. He's feeding some need within you, filling some void - perhaps a need for validation, or a need for attention that you lacked as a child, or the need to feel special. If you can get to the bottom of WHY you are so attracted to someone so bad for you and who treats you like one of his conquests, then he loses his power and you can take back control over your own mind and emotions. Another option is to find something which makes you feel special without needing another man to do it. Perhaps you can volunteer somewhere meaningful to you, and the enrichment you get from that will make you feel special. Or you can go back to school and excel at something you've always wanted to do. Or take up a sport or hobby and master that and get the self-satisfaction from doing so.
LakesideDream Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 For fear of getting bashed in the Infidelity Forum I decided to post on here instead hoping you can help me. I have a long story but I will make it very short. Married, approx 4 years ago I started an affair with someone at work. It was very passionate and very difficult and in the end I could not cope with the deceit so I finished it 2 1/2 years ago. But I have never gotten him out of my head. He tried and tried to get in contact with me so I changed my number, email address etc. I thought about him almost every day and three weeks ago I got i touch with him again. We have been on line and text but I have not met up with him. I think he is a Casanova who likes the thrill of the chase and prob has a few women if I am honest with you all but he just has that knack of making me feel so special and having excuses for the times he could not get in touch. I am on here to ask..how do you get someone out of your head? Please no nasty comments, I have told myself them all a million times. It is really getting to me, my head is a mess and I can't afford to be like this...I just wish I had never met him. Don't know what possessed me to text him again, seemed like a good idea and now I am here. I posted here because I think some of you OW`may have had to deal with this situation and getting someone out of your head...its like an addiction, I feel needy, I look a mess, eating the wrong foods but can't tell anyone. My friends picked me up last time and if I tell them I have text him again they will go mental. So hoping for some cyberfriends please x I know from experiance that you "can't get someone you are in love with" out of your head. Memories fade. The urgency goes away with time. The thoughts and longings come less frequently. But there is always a whisp of it swirling around in the deep recesses of your soul. If you are in love with someone it doesen't make much difference if you are with them or not. That person can be exactly what you don't want in your life. They can threaten everything you believe in. They can change your moral fiber. Or they can just be a comforting thought in tough times. A person you are in love with can do all this without being near, without any contact at all, without any effort or intent. Without knowing they are doing it. I know this for a fact. I've seen it from both sides. I reconciled after a 25 year marriage and divorce that my now ex wife had been in love with another man our whole marriage (she's been with him happily the past 7 years). I can't blame her for loving him all that time. I've unconditionally loved the same woman for 40 years. The heart wants, and remembers what it needs without the help of our brains. My ex and I raised two children, fought the good fight, together for 25 years. We accomplished a heck of a lot in the quarter century we were together. We made the decision to do those things together. We did a good job. I'm positive we couldn't have done it without giving a solid 98% effort each. Neither of us had 100% to give. Someone else owned the .02% in both cases. Good luck,
Spinning Head Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I don't think you can ever get someone you truly love out of your head. However, the intensity of the feelings for that person will fade with time. Think back to your first breakup and how you felt when the break up took place. You probably thought you were going to die. But, you did not. And, when you look back to that time, the pain that you felt is probably less intense than it was when it took place. In fact, you may not have any feelings at all, except relief that the relationship ended. It is an addiction. I'm trying to break mine. I'm going through round two and I have a handful of friends who have been there for me both times. You need friends to help you through this time. And, writing things down, whether through this forum or elsewhere, can help a great deal. I have started several threads about my feelings/thoughts then deleted it without posting - the mere act of typing those thoughts/feelings was a relief. Don't meet with him. You don't need the drama in your life!
signedin2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 For fear of getting bashed in the Infidelity Forum I decided to post on here instead hoping you can help me. I have a long story but I will make it very short. Married, approx 4 years ago I started an affair with someone at work. It was very passionate and very difficult and in the end I could not cope with the deceit so I finished it 2 1/2 years ago. But I have never gotten him out of my head. He tried and tried to get in contact with me so I changed my number, email address etc. I thought about him almost every day and three weeks ago I got i touch with him again. We have been on line and text but I have not met up with him. I think he is a Casanova who likes the thrill of the chase and prob has a few women if I am honest with you all but he just has that knack of making me feel so special and having excuses for the times he could not get in touch. I am on here to ask..how do you get someone out of your head? Please no nasty comments, I have told myself them all a million times. It is really getting to me, my head is a mess and I can't afford to be like this...I just wish I had never met him. Don't know what possessed me to text him again, seemed like a good idea and now I am here. I posted here because I think some of you OW`may have had to deal with this situation and getting someone out of your head...its like an addiction, I feel needy, I look a mess, eating the wrong foods but can't tell anyone. My friends picked me up last time and if I tell them I have text him again they will go mental. So hoping for some cyberfriends please x If you disclose your past and current affair to your husband, it will certainly kill the thrill, fantasy, and lust of the affair and it will end it for good, not to mention that it is the RIGHT THING TO DO.
frannie Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I think he is a Casanova who likes the thrill of the chase and prob has a few women if I am honest with you all but he just has that knack of making me feel so special and having excuses for the times he could not get in touch. I am on here to ask..how do you get someone out of your head? Since you really can see through him, and you know what's going on, I would say you have won half the battle here. BUT you're still susceptible. I think in part you have to admit that to yourself, but in admitting it you can know that you don't have to give in to it if you don't want to. You've managed to keep him out of your physical life for two and a half years and I think you're underestimating that achievement. The fact is you may never be able to totally eradicate him from your mind and heart. But it's clear you can look at him in something of a dispassionate, critical light. So all is not lost! Practically speaking, I suppose the only ways of 'getting rid' of that feeling is either to replace the love object with something or someone else, or to get IC and find out what it is that drives your need to feel this 'specialness' from an outside person. Of course that's a load of work and it may or may not be successful, but surely it's worth a try. The gains could be considerable: the ability to enjoy a little attention but not need it, because you feel perfectly wonderful in yourself anyway. And in that way you will not be vulnerable to smooth-talkers who have little to offer you and end up pulling your life apart.
Author Sunset Posted December 6, 2008 Author Posted December 6, 2008 Thank you all for taking the time to post, after I received a 'please don't text today' text with a rubbish excuse I cried, got angry then decided its time to ditch this loser. As he kindly asked me not to text (I will forget the 'today') I decided that as that is what he wants I won't text, not ever. I am just going to try and ignore him without answering anything he sends. Wish me luck please.
Tarantula Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Sunset, you already won yourself . Winning yourself you win the world God bless! and remember,all is in our hands and heads after God
whichwayisup Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Do yourself a favour and block him. Delete and block his email address, his IM and no more texts. Infact, change your cell number if possible. Focus on healing and putting energy into your husband. Go to counselling to help you get the strength to come clean (yes, that means confessing the A to your husband) so your marriage can be fixed. If you don't tell, there's always a chance the OM will spill it to your husband, or someone else will. Because it was a work affair, other people probably know and have gossiped about it.
Author Sunset Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 I no longer work there, I now work with my husband and OM now lives a long way from me so not likely to bump into him. The time came and went a long time ago to tell H, it would just cause un-necessary upset now. I appreciate your point of view, but why should H feel as ****ty as I do for no benefit? I have children too, its Christmas and it would just create an unhappy household. I have to live with myself for doing wrong but why do that to everyone else? Anyone of the same opinion as me or who can change my mind re benefit of telling H, thank you.
signedin2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Anyone of the same opinion as me or who can change my mind re benefit of telling H, thank you. There are so many reasons why you NEED to tell your H. I'll get the list started and others are welcome to add to this list: 1) It's the right thing to do! 2) You will continue to make a fool out of this man you're supposed to love. 3) You're hiding a secret from your husband and thus there will always be a wall or a distance between you and him preventing you two ever getting true intimacy. 4) He needs to know in order to fix or improve the marriage. He can't help it or you if he doesn't know what he is dealing with. 5) You can do it again and again with this same guy or another man if your continue to make a fool out of your H and he continues to know nothing about what's going on behind his back.
bentnotbroken Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Your husband deserves the same rights and privileges to decide what to do with his life just like you did. He can't do that if he isn't aware of the whole truth. He needs to have the opportunity to decide if you are worth staying with, if you will do it again and if he is willing to bet his life on you staying faithful in the future. You don't have the right to endanger his life any longer without his knowledge. He should decide if he wants to take that chance.
Married One Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 WHO am I to talk, when I am myself the OW, and a married OW too! But, I would like to offer what to be is the most obvious (and I know, it's always easier than done, but, hope you agree, sometimes, when you can be someone looking from the outside, it wakes you up about the things you cannot see, while you "inside" yourself). In the first place, you have to REALISE WHY are you are pining for him? And the fact that you admittably suggested he's a Casanova, it gives me the impression that you just want to a part of "it", that is, like young girls pining for the most popular boy in school, and since he wants you, you are flattered and almost need to be assured and feel (literally, physicall!) being wanted. Then, it is even more likely to be that you have something missing in YOUR own marriage right now, (and may have been all the while). So, if you treasure your marriage, if you do love your husband enough, you should channel all your focus and energy on your own marital relationship. Go for the whole works, dinner, trip away, long conversations, good sex, lots of you-him only activities to totally enjoy each other. When you are so busy with your man, I think you might start thinking WHY did I even go thinking about this other "jerk"?! So, sorry, it sounds terribly elmentary, doesn't it? But, it SHOULD be, if you aprpeciate your husband! Sadly, in my personal case, I do not love my husband the way I should, so it's harder, (if not near impossible now). Anyway, all the best to you! For fear of getting bashed in the Infidelity Forum I decided to post on here instead hoping you can help me. I have a long story but I will make it very short. Married, approx 4 years ago I started an affair with someone at work. It was very passionate and very difficult and in the end I could not cope with the deceit so I finished it 2 1/2 years ago. But I have never gotten him out of my head. He tried and tried to get in contact with me so I changed my number, email address etc. I thought about him almost every day and three weeks ago I got i touch with him again. We have been on line and text but I have not met up with him. I think he is a Casanova who likes the thrill of the chase and prob has a few women if I am honest with you all but he just has that knack of making me feel so special and having excuses for the times he could not get in touch. I am on here to ask..how do you get someone out of your head? Please no nasty comments, I have told myself them all a million times. It is really getting to me, my head is a mess and I can't afford to be like this...I just wish I had never met him. Don't know what possessed me to text him again, seemed like a good idea and now I am here. I posted here because I think some of you OW`may have had to deal with this situation and getting someone out of your head...its like an addiction, I feel needy, I look a mess, eating the wrong foods but can't tell anyone. My friends picked me up last time and if I tell them I have text him again they will go mental. So hoping for some cyberfriends please x
Geishawhelk Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I Anyone of the same opinion as me or who can change my mind re benefit of telling H, thank you. Because not telling him makes you a liar, and untrustworthy, without a grain of dignity, nobility or respect. To add.....
frannie Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I no longer work there, I now work with my husband and OM now lives a long way from me so not likely to bump into him. The time came and went a long time ago to tell H, it would just cause un-necessary upset now. I appreciate your point of view, but why should H feel as ****ty as I do for no benefit? I have children too, its Christmas and it would just create an unhappy household. I have to live with myself for doing wrong but why do that to everyone else? Anyone of the same opinion as me or who can change my mind re benefit of telling H, thank you. Sunset, I don't normally advocate WS telling the BS, because one never knows whether the BS would want to hear. As you say, why ruin his world with information about something that's already over..? I know a lot of BSs say they would have wanted to know, so they could make decisions about their own lives, but we're not all the same. It's basically your call and it is a difficult one. BUT, having said that, I'm wondering whether your telling him could actually lead to a better marriage. At the moment it sounds as if you and he are miles apart (haven't got much information to go on, so might be way off), and your mind is really elsewhere, which is what you're struggling with. I'm wondering whether telling him what happened might not bring you greater intimacy, and a chance (as others have said) for him to work on things with you, to build something better? I don't know, I don't like the idea of all that hurt being heaped on his head when it's arguably unnecessary. So I'm not advocating anything, just musing.
Married One Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 FIRST work on your own marriage first. As for "telling" whoever whatever, I think that is unecessary, unless it is something that is in the present tense, ie. STILL active. Otherwise, telling when not asked would just create problems rather than the solution. (Though someone else posted here telling might help the marriage, I doubt it ..., if you are the BS, and if you need to focus on the marriage without knowing anything about past OW/OM, you have more energy and concentration. But if you are told about this past, your focus/energy would be partly drained for that - who was it, what was he/she like, what kind of sex they had, was he/she better than me, plus jealousy etc.... Why add more pain? That is the logic I go by. And I think or I hope, the logic sounds "logical" when written here too?!? I am also sorting out my own "problem" (see under forum thread titled "what have I done?") Because not telling him makes you a liar, and untrustworthy, without a grain of dignity, nobility or respect. To add.....
Recommended Posts