Will there ever be roses around the door???

[LadyCakes]

Hello everyone, Its been a while since I last wrote on here and gave you all an update. However, I have been logging on and reading some of the threads.

 

Well not an awful lot has happened with me and ex-MM since I last wrote but we are about to start a new chapter in our relationship.

Tomorrow he gets the keys to his new flat and he officially moves out from his old home that he shared with W. as you all know, he has been living with me for the past couple of months which has been less than perfect so we are both hoping that the space this new chapter gives him will really give him time to get his head straight etc.

 

I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little sad though.

 

I have actually really enjoyed having him stay with me and although we have had a few rows about how its not right that we have gone from dating to living with each other like man a and wife too quickly we both know that it was just the way it had to be as he had nowhere else to go.

 

We said to each other that we both felt a bit sad that he was moving out, and even though we were excited about the new flat for him that it would be sad that we wont be waking up together each morning etc. He said last night "its an end of an era" but then he smiled and said "but its the start of a new chapter for us" which was nice. So yes, tomorrow is a big day and I hope it goes well for him. I did offer to help with the move but I think I should probably let him do this one alone. Other than that we have been getting on really well. However there are a few issues still that I am not happy with and these are:

 

1) He has not told W about us yet and refuses to do so until after Christmas and New Year. He said that he just wants to move into his new place, let things settle, get into a proper routine with seeing his child and let the dust settle so to speak.

 

He thinks its too soon to tell anyone about us yet as, even though we have been together for almost a year it has only really been two months since he officially left his W so he thinks that if we come out now than everyone will know that this isn't a new relationship.

 

I sort of agree and sort of hate the fact that im still a secret but I know I cant back him into a corner and make him tell her about me. I asked him when he is going to tell her and he said he doesn't like having to give definite dates but at a general guess he would say January-February. This seems fair enough I guess, at least he didn't say October next year! lol! It will be out anniversary in February so I think it should be out in the open by then...I think that's fair. Does anyone have any thoughts?????

 

2) He still is spending 10 hours a day 4 days a week "round there" to be with his child. I still don't like the fact that he spends so much time around there with the ex when he is seeing his child but he hasn't had much of a choice. I am hoping that this will now change now that he gets his own place tomorrow. Im not expecting it to be an overnight transformation but if, after a month of living in his new flat that this routine does not change then I will have to say something but for now I know I have to bite my tongue.

 

3) He hasn't told his work colleagues that we are an item. This just bothers me because I have met them loads of times and it was fine for me to meet them when we were having the A but now we are a couple he has not told any of them and I don't get invited out with them anymore. He says that this is because of Point 1, he doesn't want the ex-W to know about us yet and even though the men at his work would not say anything to their girlfriends about him seeing another woman when he and the W were together he thinks that now then men would say something to their partners and some of them know my mans ex so he doesn't want it getting back to her. Its annoying but its just another add on to point 1.

 

I know all I can really do is ride it out and see how things go now that he is moving into his own place etc. Then in a while when he tells his ex about us etc

 

Any thoughts, as usual, are appreciated

[norajane]

As you said, not much has changed as you still have the same issues you did before. However, it's progress that he's getting his own place.

 

Once he gets settled, and once his ex has a chance to go over there and see that it's a comfortable place for their child to visit, that should help with point 2.

 

As for point 1, you've already set your anniversary in your head as the date by which he should tell his ex about you. What will you do if he doesn't meet that deadline? If the answer is nothing, then it's better to not have it set in your head because he doesn't have it set in his as a firm deadline. If you're going to ride this out, then either have some consequences in place if he doesn't meet your deadline, or don't have a deadline and set your heart on it in the first place.

 

On point 3, remind me if he's actually married or if he was just living with her for a long time? If married, he's probably being extra-cautious so as to avoid any possible conflict if his wife finds out about the affair. While it may not matter in a divorce settlement or custody, she could still make his life very difficult by being uncooperative. If they are not married, then I don't know why he's keeping you from his friends since they already know about the affair.

[Mino]

Hi LC, On the issue of visiting the children at his old home, there need not be a grace period of a month or so. BY NEXT week, as he is settled in, He should pick up the kids and bring them to HIS house. He should only be at his w house for pick up or drop offs. Sitting in her living room prevents her healing as well. He needs to respect her space. So with this said, If I were you, I would put my foot down on this one, no more excuses, he has now a solution, which is his own place... About the other issues, I agree, still too soon... let some time go by first.. Good Luck Sweety:)

[NoIDidn't]

He should pick up the kids and bring them to HIS house. He should only be at his w house for pick up or drop offs. Sitting in her living room prevents her healing as well. He needs to respect her space.

 

The "shoulds" in here are a bit much and come off as unreasonable.

 

If I were separating from my spouse and he wanted to get the kids, I would let him in the house. We shared a life together at some point in time. And if I don't know that he is cheating on me, I may invite him in and even sit down and talk for awhile.

 

The fact that she doesn't know yet, means he still has to play along with not having someone already lined up. So all those shoulds go right out the door.

[NoIDidn't]

Items 1, 2, and 3 are all red flags - not just things not to like.

 

Getting his own place means nothing in light of these.

 

Getting his own place is simply a means of having a location for you not to know what he is doing all the time. It gives him the opportunity to continue playing Mr. I Just Need Time and Space.

 

That's the way I see it. I don't think he ever has plans to tell her about you, I don't see the "us". His "ending of an era" was just MM-speak to me. Meant to make you swoon with hope. It was a line, IMO.

 

Once they start backtracking on things, your position is getting more insecure. Whether or not they go back to the W. This one sounds like he won't be getting back with the W, but that he won't be with you for much longer either. Like you are the Transitional Woman.

[Mino]

The "shoulds" in here are a bit much and come off as unreasonable.

 

If I were separating from my spouse and he wanted to get the kids, I would let him in the house. We shared a life together at some point in time. And if I don't know that he is cheating on me, I may invite him in and even sit down and talk for awhile.

 

The fact that she doesn't know yet, means he still has to play along with not having someone already lined up. So all those shoulds go right out the door.

I dont think so.... Its very reasonable, now that he has his own place, there is no need to spend hours like he had sitting in w living room...They are seperated.. I am not saying he shound not be soiciable, i am sure there are times were she may want to discuss something with him. Thats not what I was talking about.I was talking about the spending HOURS there... no need for that anymore...he does have his own place

[norajane]

Does he have furniture in his new place? A safe place for naps and play? Baby-proofed the electrical outlets? Does he have supplies of baby food and bottles? And, has he learned to care for a child on his own without his wife to help with diapers and whatnot?

 

If so, and if his ex has seen the place and is comfortable that baby will be safe, there's no reason he can't begin taking his child there. But seeing as he moved in yesterday or today, maybe the place is still full of unpacked boxes and he's not yet prepared.

[NoIDidn't]

I dont think so.... Its very reasonable, now that he has his own place, there is no need to spend hours like he had sitting in w living room...They are seperated.. I am not saying he shound not be soiciable, i am sure there are times were she may want to discuss something with him. Thats not what I was talking about.I was talking about the spending HOURS there... no need for that anymore...he does have his own place

 

Yeah, you're right about the hours there thing.

 

But with her not knowing that there is someone else and him still lying to her, he's going to have a hard time not doing it just because he has his own place.

 

I still think she needs to be careful with assuming what he should do. When the W visits his place with the child, we'll be hearing about how he shouldn't let her in, or he shouldn't have let her stay over for so long, or she shouldn't be visiting him they're separated, and so on. See where I'm going?

 

The three things that she has issue with are the very reason that these should nots are going to be broken right and left.

[Mino]

Ok I see where you are going with this... My point is that the Mother and father will now be co-parenting. OF coarse comunication is a must to be effective as seperated parents. My sm w checked out the place, and has not been back since. He picks up and drops off... I am sure he goes in and chats with her, there are things they need to discuss. No problem...But if he is seperated now, he SHOULD (lol) now you got me laughing,)))) act seperated..

[Mino]

Does he have furniture in his new place? A safe place for naps and play? Baby-proofed the electrical outlets? Does he have supplies of baby food and bottles? And, has he learned to care for a child on his own without his wife to help with diapers and whatnot?

 

If so, and if his ex has seen the place and is comfortable that baby will be safe, there's no reason he can't begin taking his child there. But seeing as he moved in yesterday or today, maybe the place is still full of unpacked boxes and he's not yet prepared.

LOl, you would hope he knows how to do all this fun things... right???

[NoIDidn't]

Ok I see where you are going with this... My point is that the Mother and father will now be co-parenting. OF coarse comunication is a must to be effective as seperated parents. My sm w checked out the place, and has not been back since. He picks up and drops off... I am sure he goes in and chats with her, there are things they need to discuss. No problem...But if he is seperated now, he SHOULD (lol) now you got me laughing,)))) act seperated..

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

[norajane]

LOl, you would hope he knows how to do all this fun things... right???

 

He should, but you know how men are big babies themselves. My guess is his gf/wife (I can't remember which she is) is the one who actually heats up the milk and tests it on her wrist to make sure it's not too hot, who purchases all the baby food and knows when it's time for the vegetables and when it's time for the banana, who knows which baby soap and shampoo to buy that won't hurt the child's eyes if it gets in there, who stocks up on the diapers and knows when baby is crying cuz he's wet vs. hungry vs. tired, etc.

 

He may follow her directions while he's over there, but it's very different when a guy is completely on his own if he's never been.

[Mino]

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

ok... whats so funny???

[Mino]

He should, but you know how men are big babies themselves. My guess is his gf/wife (I can't remember which she is) is the one who actually heats up the milk and tests it on her wrist to make sure it's not too hot, who purchases all the baby food and knows when it's time for the vegetables and when it's time for the banana, who knows which baby soap and shampoo to buy that won't hurt the child's eyes if it gets in there, who stocks up on the diapers and knows when baby is crying cuz he's wet vs. hungry vs. tired, etc.

 

He may follow her directions while he's over there, but it's very different when a guy is completely on his own if he's never been.

How old are the kids anyway?

[norajane]

How old are the kids anyway?

 

I think it's just one child, and he's about a year old?

[NoIDidn't]

ok... whats so funny???

 

This:

 

But if he is seperated now, he SHOULD (lol) now you got me laughing,)))) act seperated..

 

I guess I drove my point home too forcefully, ya think? Sorry about that.

[norajane]

I think it's just one child, and he's about a year old?

 

Correction - the boy is 2 years old, a toddler.

 

He and his gf have been together 25 years, but not married.

[Mino]

This:

 

 

 

I guess I drove my point home too forcefully, ya think? Sorry about that.

Yeah you did, i went back to count my "SHOULDS" lol.. I guess I was on a roll:lmao:

[Mino]

Correction - the boy is 2 years old, a toddler.

 

He and his gf have been together 25 years, but not married.

oh,, wow, 25 years together and just had a 2 year old... thats odd, isnt it?

[norajane]

oh,, wow, 25 years together and just had a 2 year old... thats odd, isnt it?

 

I think it was one of those "didn't want children, but then her bio clock started ticking really loud so they had one before it was too late" things. They must have gotten together really young.

[LadyCakes]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Hello everyone, thank you all again for taking the time to reply. There were a few questions from you all so I just wanted to answer them all for you so you can get a better picture of the situation. He and his ex were never married but were together for 22 years. Your right, they got together when they were in their teens. I agree that it is extremely strange that they had been together for so long and only recently had a child. I think that kids were never really on the agenda but as his ex approached 40 her bodily clock started clicking big time and he told me that “we had been together for so long and she then wanted a child and I felt that after all this time together I should give her what she wanted”. IMHO an awful reason to have a child but hey, I’m only hearing half the story I know, and if he didn’t want to have a child with her then he wouldn’t have.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]He is such a great dad and someone on here asked if he is capable of generally looking after the child etc and I have to say that he is. He is so clued up with all things babies and looks after his little one as well as any woman and reads lots of baby books etc to make sure he is doing it right. Even though it’s not perfect that he has a kid with another woman I do have to admit and admire that he is a wonderful father. However, the problem in the past has been that even though he is extremely capable his ex wouldn’t let him help out. For example, the baby was bottle fed and I think the formula had to be made with water and exactly eight level scoops of powder. His ex would not trust him to count to eight when making up the bottles and said “you’ll do it all wrong”. Weird! But I have spoken to him about her possessiveness and he thinks it just comes with having a child so late in life. I’m not sure as I’m no expert on the subject but there seems to be some sense in that. Anyway, yes he is very capable but his ex is so possessive she doesn’t like anyone else doing anything for their son apart from her. Her answer to this strangeness is that the “child needs his mothers love”. Great argument! Lol![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Oh yes, just to confirm, the child is 20 months old, so a toddler.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Someone asked how he can spend 40 hours round there etc. Well he works shifts so has four days off a week, which he spend round there so that’s were I got the estimated 40 hours from. His time is stretched between work, friends, his son and me...its difficult and must be very stressful for him.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Well, he should have got his keys by now, for the new place!!!!![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]We had a bit of a tiff last night. We were both stressed as today is the big move... I was upset that he was leaving and he was stressed because today is such a monumental day and means that a big chapter in his life is ending. He said that he still feels extremely guilty that he is walking out on his son by moving out today. We had a few heated words as I asked him how many car loads he thought it was going to take him to move....a simple question I think. He replied “oh just the one as I haven’t got much stuff so its just clothes and books etc” I said to him “how can you only have one car load of stuff? I mean I know your not taking furniture as the new flat is furnished but how can you live in a four bedroom house and be in your 40’s and not have much stuff”. He said that most of the stuff was stuff him and his ex got together so he is leaving it all behind for them and then that he didn’t see the point of going through every cupboard, room and the loft taking out all his worldly belongings. He is only moving to a small flat so doesn’t have the storage, so only needs his basics and if and when he needs his other stuff he can move it out gradually, that it doesn’t need to be done all today. I have to admit that this really pissed me off. I get his point on the one hand but he moving out of his ex’s place is our first step towards normality and when people break up they move out and by move out I mean divide their things and take all there things out of one house and move into another. He was angry that I wanted him to move all his stuff out at once and we had a row. I’m not sure who was in the right if I'm honest but I know that when I have separated from previous partners that we have sat down together, discussed who was keeping what and then packed boxes and then one of us has moved all our things out and I dint see why my new boyfriend is the exception to the rule. He said something along the lines “we have a child together so it’s different”...I personally can’t see how. We agreed to disagree.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I think another reason why tensions were high last night was because we discussed Christmas. He and I have reached a compromise whereby he will spend the whole of x-mas eve with his child “round there” and then we will do something nice in the late evening and I will stay round his. Then Christmas morning we will wake up together but he will then go back round there to see his little boy x-mas morning before going to work until 7pm Christmas day. In the evening we will spend the rest of Christmas together and then all of Boxing Day. I’m happy with this arrangement as it seems like a fair compromise. Not perfect but a compromise. I just got sad last night as I don’t like the fact that I will be spending the majority of xmas eve alone and all if Christmas day (apart from the evening). I understand this is how it has to be but its never nice thinking that you are in relationship with someone and they are not going to be spending Xmas with you as they will be spending it at their ex’s place, with her, albeit for the child’s sake. I think I would have to be a saint for it not to bother me at all. He said that his ex had asked if he was going to come back in the evening on Xmas day to see his son again after work and he said no. He made up some excuse about spending it with some work friends but she was really bemused as she couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t chose to come back and see his son......as she has no idea that he is now with me.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Oh the complications!! Lol...any feedback would be gratefully received![/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]LC[/sIZE][/FONT]

[NoIDidn't]

I agree with him about his move schedule. Its totally reasonable for him to take his clothes first and go back for whatever else he might decide he needs/wants later. He will NEVER make a clean break from her, they have history and a child (a very young child), so the row you caused was avoidable.

 

When does he plan to tell her that he is seeing someone? It matters not who it is. She only needs to know that the door to reconcilliation is closed.

[Married One]

I just glanced through and think I got the key points off your detailed message. It may not be fair and may go down sour, but, as a woman (also OW, but a married OW, so it's different for me, for I am NOT at that "dependent" stage yet myself, for I have my own mess to sort out anyway), I think it doesn't sound good. Not good for you I mean.

 

You have to get on with your own life, you are NOT item to him, to his office, you are NOT "confirmed" for him. And as long as he has NOT confirmed you, or to himself that he is SURE that's what he wants, ie. leave the marriage for good, to be with you, you'd better do things in your life for yourself too. That is what HE is doing for HIMSELF right now, so WHY should you be hanging on for him?!?!

 

This is going to sound really crude, but it sounds as if you are disposable to him either way, whether he would go back, or whether he'd decide to move on with a single life, take you when he wants, or try other things/person if he wants.

 

I just wanted to put things into perspective for you, out of care. I hope you won't be too hurt, and won't take this the wrong way. If you see my posts, you would be surprised that I am writing all this. But, that should go to show that I am trying to be very objective and realistic about this all.

 

 

Hello everyone, Its been a while since I last

 

wrote on here and gave you all an update. However, I have been logging on and reading some of the threads.

 

Well not an awful lot has happened with me and ex-MM since I last wrote but we are about to start a new chapter in our relationship.

Tomorrow he gets the keys to his new flat and he officially moves out from his old home that he shared with W. as you all know, he has been living with me for the past couple of months which has been less than perfect so we are both hoping that the space this new chapter gives him will really give him time to get his head straight etc.

 

I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little sad though.

 

I have actually really enjoyed having him stay with me and although we have had a few rows about how its not right that we have gone from dating to living with each other like man a and wife too quickly we both know that it was just the way it had to be as he had nowhere else to go.

 

We said to each other that we both felt a bit sad that he was moving out, and even though we were excited about the new flat for him that it would be sad that we wont be waking up together each morning etc. He said last night "its an end of an era" but then he smiled and said "but its the start of a new chapter for us" which was nice. So yes, tomorrow is a big day and I hope it goes well for him. I did offer to help with the move but I think I should probably let him do this one alone. Other than that we have been getting on really well. However there are a few issues still that I am not happy with and these are:

 

1) He has not told W about us yet and refuses to do so until after Christmas and New Year. He said that he just wants to move into his new place, let things settle, get into a proper routine with seeing his child and let the dust settle so to speak.

 

He thinks its too soon to tell anyone about us yet as, even though we have been together for almost a year it has only really been two months since he officially left his W so he thinks that if we come out now than everyone will know that this isn't a new relationship.

 

I sort of agree and sort of hate the fact that im still a secret but I know I cant back him into a corner and make him tell her about me. I asked him when he is going to tell her and he said he doesn't like having to give definite dates but at a general guess he would say January-February. This seems fair enough I guess, at least he didn't say October next year! lol! It will be out anniversary in February so I think it should be out in the open by then...I think that's fair. Does anyone have any thoughts?????

 

2) He still is spending 10 hours a day 4 days a week "round there" to be with his child. I still don't like the fact that he spends so much time around there with the ex when he is seeing his child but he hasn't had much of a choice. I am hoping that this will now change now that he gets his own place tomorrow. Im not expecting it to be an overnight transformation but if, after a month of living in his new flat that this routine does not change then I will have to say something but for now I know I have to bite my tongue.

 

3) He hasn't told his work colleagues that we are an item. This just bothers me because I have met them loads of times and it was fine for me to meet them when we were having the A but now we are a couple he has not told any of them and I don't get invited out with them anymore. He says that this is because of Point 1, he doesn't want the ex-W to know about us yet and even though the men at his work would not say anything to their girlfriends about him seeing another woman when he and the W were together he thinks that now then men would say something to their partners and some of them know my mans ex so he doesn't want it getting back to her. Its annoying but its just another add on to point 1.

 

I know all I can really do is ride it out and see how things go now that he is moving into his own place etc. Then in a while when he tells his ex about us etc

 

Any thoughts, as usual, are appreciated

[HappyAtLast]

Does he have furniture in his new place? A safe place for naps and play? Baby-proofed the electrical outlets? Does he have supplies of baby food and bottles? And, has he learned to care for a child on his own without his wife to help with diapers and whatnot

 

Surely you are joking with this statement. Is this man an idiot? (please disregard if, in fact, it has been established previously on this board that the individual in question is an idiot... if so, comment withdrawn) How did the child's mother learn to do these things, since it is her first child also? Assuming that he does not know how to care for the child, wouldn't it be appropriate for him to learn, on his own, just like his wife probably did?

[Married One]

Bravo - good one!

 

Surely you are joking with this statement. Is this man an idiot? (please disregard if, in fact, it has been established previously on this board that the individual in question is an idiot... if so, comment withdrawn) How did the child's mother learn to do these things, since it is her first child also? Assuming that he does not know how to care for the child, wouldn't it be appropriate for him to learn, on his own, just like his wife probably did?