Is it just me or am I seeing a "trend" here? (for the men...)

[OCCDAVE]

Yes, it was a reply to your story.

See but thats the thing there wasn't any events leading up to this like i said the day before all is well then she dropped the im done bomb the next day ?Another thing what do you think she might have told the kids considering they have been emotionlly attached to me for a few years now.

[IcemanJB]

And what if "who they are" is a sensitive, giving "I need you" guy? There is nothing wrong with showing love. A lot of those guys are happily married with children and not posting here.

 

The problem comes in when a sensitive guy dates a woman who doesn't appreciate who he is. In which case, he shouldn't be dating her, not trying tactics to attract women who won't like him when his true nature comes out.

 

And he finds this out sooner if he sticks up for himself and doesn't let her walk all over him. Sensitivity and being a doormat are not synonomous.

[dns502475]

See but thats the thing there wasn't any events leading up to this like i said the day before all is well then she dropped the im done bomb the next day ?Another thing what do you think she might have told the kids considering they have been emotionlly attached to me for a few years now.

 

There were events occdave. There most certainly were events. When she complained about your friend, you caved. When she wouldn't do the same for you? You caved and stuck around again.

 

She hasn't told the kids anything. Why would she? You're still willing to be there for them. She's going to keep you in the back pocket just in case she needs something from you for either herself or them.

[Trialbyfire]

The problem comes in when a sensitive guy dates a woman who doesn't appreciate who he is. In which case, he shouldn't be dating her, not trying tactics to attract women who won't like him when his true nature comes out.

Major, major pet peeve about men. Don't pretend to be what you're not. You're going to get it up the wazoo when you do this because people cannot create a lasting facade. It will fall through when you start relaxing your "game" and the person will be turned off.

[OCCDAVE]

There were events occdave. There most certainly were events. When she complained about your friend, you caved. When she wouldn't do the same for you? You caved and stuck around again.

 

She hasn't told the kids anything. Why would she? You're still willing to be there for them. She's going to keep you in the back pocket just in case she needs something from you for either herself or them.

Well what do i do from here then cause the kids didn't do anything and the holidays are around the corner.2 weeks ago today i did make one last stand trying to get her back got her roses and stuff and we talked.She said i cant hold on anymore and need space gave me a kiss on the cheek and said if you need someone to talk to im here for you.It's been 2 weeks its been hard but i havn't called or made any contact .So i guess what i'm trying to say im sorta gaining my pride back right cause the old me once again would have tried making her listen to me?

[SRV]

OCCDAVE, you should have never given her roses, you never, ever tell them I love you in instances like yours, you simply up and leave. She has already pushed you to the "friend zone" trust me on this one.

 

When she said give me space, means that she has/or is lining someone to replace you, incase it falls through, you can come back to her space. See what you did, you gave her the wiggle room.

 

You need to act confident, show her that it does not phase you, but you have shown her that it does by the flowers. I would go no contact for a VERY long time. If she calls, do not answer, let her come back to you. Honestly at this point, will you want her back after she has tested the waters ( read-Space)? That's your decision to make.

 

Good luck!

[dns502475]

Ok,

 

My ex had kids too. So, I've been exactly where you're at.

 

Now, here's the thing. You never want to punish the kids for having a dumb-@$$ for a mother.

 

So, buy them Christmas gifts if you choose. No problem there. That's what a good man does.

 

DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM THEM OR THE MOTHER IN RETURN!

 

My ex's oldest child is my goddaughter. Has been since she was just a baby.

 

That was NASTY my friend. But I stayed the course. Anything for her. Nothing for the mom.

 

But you have to distance yourself from the kids too for a while.

[Dexter Morgan]

Read my post again...

 

I did. It reads the same.

[OCCDAVE]

OCCDAVE, you should have never given her roses, you never, ever tell them I love you in instances like yours, you simply up and leave. She has already pushed you to the "friend zone" trust me on this one.

 

When she said give me space, means that she has/or is lining someone to replace you, incase it falls through, you can come back to her space. See what you did, you gave her the wiggle room.

 

You need to act confident, show her that it does not phase you, but you have shown her that it does by the flowers. I would go no contact for a VERY long time. If she calls, do not answer, let her come back to you. Honestly at this point, will you want her back after she has tested the waters ( read-Space)? That's your decision to make.

 

Good luck!

I know the flowers were not good but like i said since then which has been 2 weeks i have made no contact at all so that's a positive right?Like i said if you had planned on dropping the im done bomb why must you the day before talk about starting a family,popping the question and so on thats beyond evil.

[CaliGuy]

OP there is a simple answer for this.

 

Women have a much larger support group for breakups (family, close friends, etc. Heck, they will even talk to strangers).

 

Men, on the other hand, usually won't go to friends or family members for support. They usually feel embarrassed. Here on LS they can maintain their anonymity and work on getting their issue resolved.

 

I will agree with you in one aspect and that is today's "men" are less manly than yesterdays. That's a by-product of being in homes where the father had little influence (or wasn't around) and being taught by mostly women (almost all my teachers growing up were women). Men stopped learning how to be men. That explains all the wussified and metro-sexual men running around now-a-days.

 

I'm not knocking it, if that's what they want. But I think a lot of today's men need something like USMC boot camp to whip them into shape. Men are afraid or uncomfortable being men.

 

They should stop being embarrassed about being men and embrace it...

[Cub]

@ Dave

 

The more you think about it, the worse you'll feel. Don't dwell on the broken promises - breakups are made of broken promises. It's when we forgive the broken promises that we can begin healing.

[OCCDAVE]

@ Dave

 

The more you think about it, the worse you'll feel. Don't dwell on the broken promises - breakups are made of broken promises. It's when we forgive the broken promises that we can begin healing.

True but like i said its been 2 weeks no contact *high fives* Anyway can't getting the kids gifts also might be taken as me trying to black mail the kids .I have yet to pick up my stuff how do i go about that i'm trying to avoid seeing her.

[selena_cat]

hi Dns

I have a bit problem here and maybe i am being a tad bit selfish,

but about your trend about men going afterwomen who've since rejected them or giving mixed signals,my question is

 

 

How Come I NEVER MEET GUYS LIKE THAT????!!!!

It is alqays the oposite for me, and no i dont try to go only for jerks

but thats who i seem to attract mostly.

Guys who seem devoted,are open to love

as a woman, is it only because these women are hard to get???

 

I need some big time pointers here b/c i am the same as these men

go after jerks,and cant let it go...

I need to know what i'm doing wrong,and how do i get a guy to fall for me the way these guys who post,fell hard for their women. I may sopy and paste your post/advice and chenge it to suit me.

It goes both way,women can get D whipped too!

[selena_cat]

Every so often someone comes here to give this same advice about being jerky so you get the girl.

 

But, here's the thing. The guys that come to LS have relationship problems. Meaning, all the many nice guys who love their girls and are happy in their relationships are not posting on LS. Also, the jerky guys are not on LS because they aren't going to be asking for advice about their relationship problems because they don't care - they're fine letting the girl go and moving on to the next one.

 

So, the sample is skewed, as is the prescription to be a jerk.

 

Lol , soooo true,100% without a doubt, thats is the answer in a nutshell, I need to be that way

[OCCDAVE]

One more thing dns i guess maybe another reason i didn't notice i was coming off as a doormat was this was my first gf.I am now 25 but met her about 22 and before her never even been with someone so she was my first so that's why i am having trouble moving ahead.

[IcemanJB]

Lol , soooo true,100% without a doubt, thats is the answer in a nutshell, I need to be that way

 

He's not suggesting that we act like jerks...

[lonelygurl]

hmm not that anyone one opinion matters but one or two people can not speak for millions of women....especially a man.

 

Everyone is looking for someone different and not all women want a "jerk" like type of guy. Some confident men are too confident and it makes them arrogant.

 

Just be who you are not what someone writes in a book.

 

As you get older you will realize this.

[IcemanJB]

I think most, if not all men, are confident by nature. It's when they let themselves be taken over and obsess over a woman (trust me I've been there), that they become clingy, needy, overly-sensitive, and just plain unattractive to their S.O. It doesn't help that, as someone pointed out earlier, men are getting increasingly wussified in this age.

 

You can't "act" confident. It will just show. Right now, I'm not half as confident as I was a year ago when I first met my ex. She broke up with me 2 months ago so unexpectedly, that I didn't know what to do; I felt helpless. To this day I don't know the exact reasons for her breaking up with me, but judging by her actions it was a brain decision and not a heart decision considering how much she cried even weeks afterwards. I wanted so bad to pour myself out to her. All I said was "you said during the breakup you still wanted to be with me several times and obviously that's what I want; what do you really want!?" She gave me a confusing answer, started crying, so I told her thanks for being honest and walked her home. I didn't beg or plead for her back, but DAMN was I confused/sad/angry/devastated; my confidence flew right out the window, all of it. I decided her constantly contacting me after the breakup wasn't good for either of us, so 11 days ago I told her to stop texting/arranging for a talk, etc. This was just to get my old self back, and try to build confidence again. I've never fallen this hard for a girl before, or been hurt this badly. I'm not quite back to my old self yet...

 

By continually chasing a girl that has broken up with you, you hinder yourself of any chance of moving on. Each time you're shot down by your ex, you get more desperate. She broke up with you, the ball is in her court. Move on.

[dns502475]

didn't say "act like a jerk"

 

didn't say "don't be yourself"

 

didn't say "you have to act a certain way"

 

thank you, lol

[selena_cat]

i tried to alter your post but it wouldnt let me,iceman thats powerful statement.

[Trialbyfire]

He's not suggesting that we act like jerks...

Sounds to me like he is advocating being a jerk.

 

I've seen a lot of the "why do women love jerks?" thing here. It's not really only jerks, the jerks just happen to stand out.

 

Women like jerks because well...face it...they're confident. They're challenging. They don't let a woman stray them off course. They display emotional control and discipline. They always have options and they let women know this through their actions. They don't beg, or plead, or fall apart when a woman threatens to leave. Women may not LIKE jerks, but they LOVE jerks. More than that, they RESPECT jerks.

 

The biggest lesson you have to learn as a man is "you don't chase 'em, you replace 'em".

[OCCDAVE]

Hey dns since the ball is in her court does that mean any friendship will have to be her call.

[EmperorR]

I was cheated on so this doesn't apply to me.

[Angel1111]

I don't want a guy who's a challenge. But I do have to have a guy who's confident and in control (and, preferably, who adores me). Which means he may feel like he can't live without me, but he won't put up with any crap if I treat him badly. That's the key. Women have to have respect for the man they're with. If she doesn't, it's a death-sentence to the relationship.

[dns502475]

The first line you quoted from my opening post explained my position.

 

"I've seen a lot of the "why do women love jerks?" thing here. It's not really only jerks, the jerks just happen to stand out."

 

What I was doing there was explaining to the men who have asked this question that it's NOT BEING A JERK THAT WOMEN LOVE.

 

Because jerks display such bad behavior and put the women who deal with them through such extremes, they UNFORTUNATELY STAND OUT AS AN *AWFUL EXAMPLE* OF WHAT WOMEN RESPOND TO.

 

Let's look at all of the "jerk behaviors" I seem to be in favor of:

 

"Women like jerks because well...face it...they're confident"

 

Yeah, because y'know...being confident is just something ONLY a jerk could do.

 

"They're challenging"

 

How dare a man (or woman for that matter) actually NOT just tolerate anything a woman (or man) puts him (or her) through without question? what a JERK!

 

"They don't let a woman stray them off course."

 

A man who actually doesn't stop pursuing all of his life ambitions, plans, goals and dreams because of a woman? I mean, what woman would want that? Honestly, the guy who does that MUST BE A JERK!

 

"They display emotional control and discipline."

 

SUCH *******S!

 

"They always have options and they let women know this through their actions."

 

The NERVE! I mean...when a person treats their lover with disrespect, they should just stand there and put up with it. They shouldn't actually start to consider your options after something like that!

 

"They don't beg, or plead, or fall apart when a woman threatens to leave."

This is what women really want. A man who totally goes bat-***** when a woman wants to break-up.

 

"Women may not LIKE jerks"

 

Y'know because jerks are...well...JERKS! (Here's a hint: Men don't like jerks either...but just keep that between us. )

 

"but they LOVE jerks."

 

Now, here, I could have been more specific. Not ALL women love jerks. However...MANY DO. We really don't have to debate this do we?

 

"They RESPECT jerks."

 

The ones who love them do...

 

"The biggest lesson you have to learn as a man is 'you don't chase 'em, you replace 'em"

ABSOLUTELY! Never chase anyone who doesn't want you. Goes for men and women alike!

 

***You guys who think I'm advocating some immature devotion to JERKISM seem to have missed this part of my first post***

 

 

"I took a look through that book called "The Game" and personally, I don't like it. I like the 'attitude', but the tactics they use are a bit scummy, and they're not focused on the long term."

 

Could it be that the scummy tactics and short term "f-ck 'em & flee" focus of the book is what JERKS do? Hmmm....nah!

 

Because everyone knows that only jerks are focused on the long term with a woman, right?

 

"The whole whiny, insecure, "emo-boy" thing is played. It's NOT an attractive thing whatsoever."

 

THIS is the type of behavior I'm speaking against.

 

Hope this clears up any confusion. Thanks.