Is it just me or am I seeing a "trend" here? (for the men...)

December 4, 2008

Maybe it's just me but....

I've looked through a lot of the threads on the board here, and I've seen a little bit of a..."trend" you could say?

I see A LOT of the threads here appear to be from men looking for advice because they are dealing with a woman who has either already left, or is giving off "mixed signals".

I don't want to appear...harsh, but women want a challenge. And in a lot of the stories I've read, I see men who have become "p---y whipped". You guys became predictable, and boring, and no challenge whatsoever to your woman. You let them "get the better of you".

With a couple of notable exceptions, almost every story is about how some guy "loves his woman more than anything else" or "he can't live without this girl" or "i need her" or "I can't imagine life without her".

Now, do you really think a woman wants this in a man? No.

The whole whiny, insecure, "emo-boy" thing is played. It's NOT an attractive thing whatsoever.

I've seen a lot of the "why do women love jerks?" thing here. It's not really only jerks, the jerks just happen to stand out.

Women like jerks because well...face it...they're confident. They're challenging. They don't let a woman stray them off course. They display emotional control and discipline. They always have options and they let women know this through their actions. They don't beg, or plead, or fall apart when a woman threatens to leave. Women may not LIKE jerks, but they LOVE jerks. More than that, they RESPECT jerks.

The biggest lesson you have to learn as a man is "you don't chase 'em, you replace 'em".

I really advise the guys here who are dealing with this to go to a site like askmen.com and look read through the doclove articles.

I took a look through that book called "The Game" and personally, I don't like it. I like the 'attitude', but the tactics they use are a bit scummy, and they're not focused on the long term.

I think the following books are works of almost pure GENIUS!

1) "The Mack Within" by Tariq Nasheed

2) "The System" By Doc Love

But really, fellas...if you're feeling this way about a babe it's time to get your game back!

December 4, 2008

hey dns can i recap my story for you cause you have some good advice.

December 4, 2008

dns --

You are a "he" right?

So tell us women what men want.

December 4, 2008

Yeah, sure you can.

December 4, 2008

dns --

You are a "he" right?

So tell us women what men want.

Yes, I'm a guy.

And as far as what men want? I couldn't say what men want anymore than I could say what women want.

I CAN say what a reasonable woman wouldn't want and that kinda goes for men too.

To me, what's more important is to know what YOU want in a mate and don't compromise on those qualities. Don't try to "change" a man or make a project out of getting those things out of him. When you see a man, or woman, is displaying qualities and treating you in ways you know are inappropriate, then you leave.

December 4, 2008

Maybe it's just me but....

I've looked through a lot of the threads on the board here, and I've seen a little bit of a..."trend" you could say?

I see A LOT of the threads here appear to be from men looking for advice because they are dealing with a woman who has either already left, or is giving off "mixed signals".

I don't want to appear...harsh, but women want a challenge. And in a lot of the stories I've read, I see men who have become "p---y whipped". You guys became predictable, and boring, and no challenge whatsoever to your woman. You let them "get the better of you".

With a couple of notable exceptions, almost every story is about how some guy "loves his woman more than anything else" or "he can't live without this girl" or "i need her" or "I can't imagine life without her".

Now, do you really think a woman wants this in a man? No.

The whole whiny, insecure, "emo-boy" thing is played. It's NOT an attractive thing whatsoever.

I've seen a lot of the "why do women love jerks?" thing here. It's not really only jerks, the jerks just happen to stand out.

Women like jerks because well...face it...they're confident. They're challenging. They don't let a woman stray them off course. They display emotional control and discipline. They always have options and they let women know this through their actions. They don't beg, or plead, or fall apart when a woman threatens to leave. Women may not LIKE jerks, but they LOVE jerks. More than that, they RESPECT jerks.

The biggest lesson you have to learn as a man is "you don't chase 'em, you replace 'em".

I really advise the guys here who are dealing with this to go to a site like askmen.com and look read through the doclove articles.

I took a look through that book called "The Game" and personally, I don't like it. I like the 'attitude', but the tactics they use are a bit scummy, and they're not focused on the long term.

I think the following books are works of almost pure GENIUS!

1) "The Mack Within" by Tariq Nasheed
2) "The System" By Doc Love

But really, fellas...if you're feeling this way about a babe it's time to get your game back!

I understand what you're saying, but people say all different types of things, which leads me to ask a question.

I've noticed that women always say they want a nice guy, a sensitive guy. When I think of a sensitive man (me), I think of a person thats going to want to fight for his girl, and to not be afraid to tell her that he loves, her, and to show her that he cares about the relationship and her feelings. But then I hear and see posts like this one here, or somebody will say, "women don't like a whiney emo guy" but wouldnt that classify a man as insensitive?

My question is, what is a sensitive man from a womans point of view? And do women really want a sensitive man, or is that just a myth?

December 4, 2008

There is a difference between being sensitive and being a door mat.

December 4, 2008

You can be nice and sweet, but dns is just advising that you not bend over backward to please her. If she's doing something you don't like, tell her. The worst she could do is break up with you, and if she does that so easily, then she's not worth your time.

December 4, 2008

Every so often someone comes here to give this same advice about being jerky so you get the girl.

But, here's the thing. The guys that come to LS have relationship problems. Meaning, all the many nice guys who love their girls and are happy in their relationships are not posting on LS. Also, the jerky guys are not on LS because they aren't going to be asking for advice about their relationship problems because they don't care - they're fine letting the girl go and moving on to the next one.

So, the sample is skewed, as is the prescription to be a jerk.

December 4, 2008

Ok dns well its a bit lenthy but bare with me thanks.I loved this single mother of two very much and we had a great 2 and half years.It was rocky at times but nothing we couldn't work through.I had a friend who was a girl but she kept leaving me comments and stuff on myspace and my ex didn't like it so i cut ties with the girl cause i felt it was disrespect.She has a guy friend and i have expressed i didn't really like the guy but her reply was to bad i knew him longer get over it and stop being jealous.She then said i was spending to much time we her so i said ok let's meet once a week if even we agreed but still nothing.There were times i got her beyond mad and my problem was i didn't leave when i was told i kept trying to convice her i was sorry.The day before all hell broke loose we made out and made a gift list for the kids i figured all was well.I wake up the next morning she tells me stay away from me and my kids.I was puzzled so we didn't talk saturday then sunday comes love you and so on then monday same story stay away im done and need space.She then removed me off myspace,facebook,aim and so on yet from what i heard she stilll has my pictures up ?I was mad cause i didnt even get a happy thanksgiving that was beyond rude.Sorry to bore you but you are giving some good advice id like you to break this story for me cause im still puzzled.

December 4, 2008

Every so often someone comes here to give this same advice about being jerky so you get the girl.

But, here's the thing. The guys that come to LS have relationship problems. Meaning, all the many nice guys who love their girls and are happy in their relationships are not posting on LS. Also, the jerky guys are not on LS because they aren't going to be asking for advice about their relationship problems because they don't care - they're fine letting the girl go and moving on to the next one.

So, the sample is skewed, as is the prescription to be a jerk.

That's all well and good, but it's not what dns was saying. He said guys should be confident, a trait that jerks have an abundance of, but wasn't recommending the full jerk package.

Basically, he's saying that girls don't go for guys who breakdown and become clingy at the first sign of trouble.

December 4, 2008

If you read my post again, you'll see that I'm not telling guys to act like jerks. I actually say the following:

I've seen a lot of the "why do women love jerks?" thing here. It's not really only jerks, the jerks just happen to stand out.

I'm talking about cutting the whole whiny, "I need her" act.

December 4, 2008

Women like jerks because well...face it...they're confident. They're challenging. They don't let a woman stray them off course. They display emotional control and discipline. They always have options and they let women know this through their actions. They don't beg, or plead, or fall apart when a woman threatens to leave. Women may not LIKE jerks, but they LOVE jerks. More than that, they RESPECT jerks.

Yup, and I have to laugh my arse off when I hear of a woman complaining about a guy that was a player when she knew full well what he was.

biggest lesson you have to learn as a man is "you don't chase 'em, you replace 'em".

I agree, but not chasing them doesn't take a jerk. It takes a guy that isn't willing to put up with any crap or games.

But really, fellas...if you're feeling this way about a babe it's time to get your game back!

Is this coming from a self-proclaimed "jerk"?

December 4, 2008

Read my post again...

December 4, 2008

Yeah --

I don't think anybody goes for people who break down and get clingy. A person needs to demonstrate that they can survive as an independent unit if necessary and will not fall apart if they have to do this. Most of us have to do this for some parts of our adult lives anyway.

I love sensitive guys and I love confidence. I cannot tolerate jerks. Sensitivity plus confidence is the whole package. Work on both and you will just be an awesome human being (man or woman).

December 4, 2008

If you read my post again, you'll see that I'm not telling guys to act like jerks. I actually say the following:

I've seen a lot of the "why do women love jerks?" thing here. It's not really only jerks, the jerks just happen to stand out.

I'm talking about cutting the whole whiny, "I need her" act.

And I'm saying that a lot of "I need her" guys who are in successful happy relationships aren't posting here because they don't need advice because their girls like them just as they are. So this "trend" you are seeing is only because the nice guys are the ones likely to post, not the "holding my feelings back" guys whose relationships are in trouble.

Confidence is a good thing, but if you're telling guys to change in order to get and keep someone, it won't work. True confidence comes from within and develops over time and maturity and can't be faked. Jerkiness, on the other hand, can be applied more easily.

December 4, 2008

That's all well and good, but it's not what dns was saying. He said guys should be confident, a trait that jerks have an abundance of, but wasn't recommending the full jerk package.

Basically, he's saying that girls don't go for guys who breakdown and become clingy at the first sign of trouble.

EXACTLY.

It's very hard to avoid being that clingy guy. Confidence is attractive, simply put. You gain it from putting yourself out there, and learning to not care as much about an outcome. It does NOT mean being mean or abusive to your S.O. (jerks!) It means not putting up with the crap that gets thrown around sometimes. This is something I have learned to do in the past couple years, and I'm glad I learned it relatively young (22), to avoid being a doormat to some girl that wasn't right for me.

December 4, 2008

OP, tell us how your present/past marriage is going/went.....

Any life-altering events? How did that go?

BTW, though I wouldn't assign "jerk" as a descriptor, I would agree that self-confidence is an admirable trait, in anyone. One can be self-confident without treating others insensitively or badly. IMO, the tone with which one communicates their boundaries is key to this dynamic.

December 4, 2008

You've allowed yourself to become a doormat. Simple as that. You've shown this woman that she can do almost anything she wants to you and you'll put up with it.

Why is she behaving so erratically? Well, who knows. But she's lost interest and you've become no sort of challenge whatsoever.

At this point, you should be done.

There's a difference between a being a "Jerk" and being "Confident"...A Jerk initiates the bad behavior. A guy who's confident leaves when he's being treated badly & disrespectfully.

He doesn't come back, he doesn't give that woman a second chance. He looks at it as her loss, and he moves on to the next one.

A "nice guy" takes it. He says "that's ok" when a woman does the type of things that the woman you've been seeing does. He tries to find out "what's wrong" and if there's anything that he did to trigger this strange behavior out of her.

When she says "I need a break" he says "but I love you".

This is unacceptable. See the difference?

December 4, 2008

When she says "I need a break" he says "but I love you".

Yes, heard the first part. Answer: "go live at my mom's" (empty house). "What do I need to put in the truck to get you there?" Validate and facilitate. Minimize collateral damage and fiscal impact. Never got to the "he says" part. Do recall saying (and still say) "that's unacceptable". The path is perhaps a bit more tortuous and circuitous when one is married. In a dating situation, the answer would have been (and has been) "understand completely; have a great day"

December 4, 2008

You've allowed yourself to become a doormat. Simple as that. You've shown this woman that she can do almost anything she wants to you and you'll put up with it.

Why is she behaving so erratically? Well, who knows. But she's lost interest and you've become no sort of challenge whatsoever.

At this point, you should be done.

There's a difference between a being a "Jerk" and being "Confident"...A Jerk initiates the bad behavior. A guy who's confident leaves when he's being treated badly & disrespectfully.

He doesn't come back, he doesn't give that woman a second chance. He looks at it as her loss, and he moves on to the next one.

A "nice guy" takes it. He says "that's ok" when a woman does the type of things that the woman you've been seeing does. He tries to find out "what's wrong" and if there's anything that he did to trigger this strange behavior out of her.

When she says "I need a break" he says "but I love you".

This is unacceptable. See the difference?

Is this directed towards me im not sure:confused:

December 4, 2008

And I'm saying that a lot of "I need her" guys who are in successful happy relationships aren't posting here because they don't need advice because their girls like them just as they are. So this "trend" you are seeing is only because the nice guys are the ones likely to post, not the "holding my feelings back" guys whose relationships are in trouble.

Confidence is a good thing, but if you're telling guys to change in order to get and keep someone, it won't work. True confidence comes from within and develops over time and maturity and can't be faked. Jerkiness, on the other hand, can be applied more easily.

I think you've totally missed what I was saying in my post. It seems that we're stuck on this "jerk" thing that was really just a side-point. I never said change who you are. I said "realize who you are".

December 4, 2008

Is this directed towards me im not sure:confused:

Yes, it was a reply to your story.

December 4, 2008

I think you've totally missed what I was saying in my post. It seems that we're stuck on this "jerk" thing that was really just a side-point. I never said change who you are. I said "realize who you are".

And what if "who they are" is a sensitive, giving "I need you" guy? There is nothing wrong with showing love. A lot of those guys are happily married with children and not posting here.

The problem comes in when a sensitive guy dates a woman who doesn't appreciate who he is. In which case, he shouldn't be dating her, not trying tactics to attract women who won't like him when his true nature comes out.

December 4, 2008

And what if "who they are" is a sensitive, giving "I need you" guy?

Then they don't know who they are.

Sensitive? Cool.

Giving? Absolutely.

"I need you"?...no, you don't know who you are if you honestly believe you need someone.

There is nothing wrong with showing love.

You're right. Never disagreed with you there.

A lot of those guys are happily married with children and not posting here.

Yep, you're right about that, too. And it's called "luck". It happens, but that's not most guys' story.

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Is it just me or am I seeing a "trend" here? (for the men...)

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