Recent Breakup

[steve_s]

Hello all,

 

Looking for (a) some encouragement or (b) someone to knock some common sense into me!!

 

I dated this girl named Julia for about a year and a half. We took a break in the spring but both decided to get back together. About two months ago I broke up with her, and although I did pretty well at first I am REALLY missing her now. What do I do????

 

 

Here is some background on why we broke up. Basically, I felt like she needed to grow up and mature in certain areas of her life, and I felt like I couldn't be there while she did because I didn't want to play the role of "dad"

 

I also never could respect how she treated other people. She treats those she likes (including me) very well, but she can come across to other people she doesn't know or like as really stuck-up and this always bothered me. My friends have felt a bit awkward around her too.

 

Finally, I didn't think she was independent enough...she was too dependent on me. At first it was okay, but by the end of the summer I was feeling suffocated... she was soo clingy and it was like we had too see each other all teh time and when we didn't for even 1 day she missed me! This really worried me because it seemed like outside of me she didn't have much of a life. If we weren't hanging out she was kind of at a loss for what to do.

 

 

Lately I've been missing her sooo much. After we broke up she tried to contact me and work things out but I stayed firm and pretty much told her my decision was final. I haven't heard from her since.

 

I am dying to tell her how I feel but I really don't want to hurt her again. I think that if we started talking again now, things would be good for a few months and then we would be right back to where we are now. I really think I love her, and I think what she needs right now is to mature on her own and be independent. But I'm so worried that's not what is going to happen!!

 

I guess I love her too much to tell her how I'm feeling (I couldn't bring myself to tell her I thought she was too immature with lots of things)... that sounds weird, but I feel like it would be selfish of me to contact her and open up wounds that might be already healing. Breaking up with her was the most difficult thing I've ever had to do because I still have feelings for her...it was kinda like I did it because I felt it was for her own good (and if I didn't, I felt like our relationship would tumble in the following years if nothing changed). I care about her too much to make her goo through something like this AGAIN (we already went through this in the spring too when we took a break).

 

 

I know she still loves me and would get back together with me, so that's not the question. Then again, like I already said, getting back together seems like a short term solution. The only long term solution, and the only chance I see of us working out is if she figures some things out on her own and matures a bit...if she can become a bit mroe independent.

 

All this sounds great in theory, but of course there's the chance she just gets really mad and stops caring about life. She was sooooo upset when we broke up...I'm so worried she's going to like go off the deep end or something and start making bad decisions like alcohol and sleeping with other guys and stuff and that just makes me sick.

 

 

She still has a year of college left--I've been out for 2 years so there is a bit of an age gap. If I'm honest with myself, lately I've really doubted that I can find someone like her again. To me she is the most beautiful girl int eh world, and there are so many of her quirks that I love about her.

 

...but whenever I think about marriage or working things out with her, I always attach a condition to it, like "We'd work out IF SHE CHANGED THIS" etc...and I can't be in a relationship expecting change, right?

 

So my question is, am I being stupid about all this, or am I making good decisions? Why was I doing okay for weeks after the breakup but now I can't stop thinking about her?

 

thanks-steve

[Cub]

You are making excellent decisions, if you ask me. It shows a great deal of maturity on your part, and foresight to boot - it's not a good idea to consider marriage with someone who isn't emotionally stable yet. But I would nix the idea of getting back together with her. It takes a long time for people to develop emotionally, and you haven't given her nearly enough.

 

Sad to say, it might be best for you to just bite the bullet and move on. Better now than somewhere down the road when things are a lot more complicated.

[steve_s]

I guess part of the hurt too has been the realization that I'm back at ground zero...single. One day I hope to have a family, but after a tough break up I know it will take time to heal and will be a while before I'm ready to date again. It always sucks breaking up with someone you've invested so much in over the past years.

 

Part of me worries I'll never find that someone...

[steve_s]

sorry to bump, but things have only gotten worse. tonight has been THE WORST night yet. i feel this pain in my stomach and whole body. I have drafted emails and thought about her so much, but as of now I still have not contacted her.

 

how do i know i'm not making the biggest mistake of my life? shouldnt things get better with time?!?!?! and after all, i was the one t hat did the dumping!!!

 

help me plz!!

[TG84]

Sorry to hear about this --

I would just re-read your own post -- you sounded very mature and confident. Maybe write a final draft to her, but promise yourself you won't send it until a week passes or something. Then if there's any doubt in your mind during that week as to whether you should send the email, write a new email or ditch the whole idea.

 

I think about emailing my ex a lot, and this is how I keep NC -- just tiring my mind out about it until I'm sick of writing drafts and emails.

 

I'm going through a tough breakup right now as well, so I'll let someone else comment on everything else.