He's still not letting go of his phone..

[Jenmel]

Hi,

My botfriends behaviour became really strange a few weeks back, he was displaying what I would class as typical cheating behaviour, not spending time with me, constantly on computer, mobile phone on silent and it never left his side, not pressuring for sex anymore and just not being interested in me in general. At this point I was 35 weeks pregnant and feeling pretty insecure and low about myself anyway.

I confronted him about the way he was behaving when I caught him sending a text message under the bed covers, he immediately became defensive and argumentative and made me feel really bad for not trusting him, he said he couldn't believe i'd say such a thing and that he was really hurt by it. By this point I was in floods of tears and apologized to him, it didn't occur to me to check his phone.

So that weekend he goes away for a work's night out and I decide to put a key logger on the computer to see if he is getting in touch with anyone, I just cannot get the idea out of my head. By Monday evening I have more than enough evidence that he has been chatting to other women and exchanging phone numbers with them and arranging to meet up with them. Also on the internet history he had been looking at sites for hotels.

Furious, I confront him again, again he gets very defensive and angry and even throws a hot cup of tea over me, so I said look at this and showed him my proof. Eventually he says he's sorry and that nothing was ment by it and that he had no intention of ever meeting up with anyone and that it was just a bit of chat. I couldn't believe he would do such a horrible thing to me when i'm due to have his baby in just a few weeks.

So now he's cancelled his facebook account and I know he hasn't used the computer to correspond to any women cos the key logger is still on there which I still check regularly, he just looks at porn sites now. However, he still has the same phone number and won't let his phone out of his sight, I cannot get near it to check through and he doesn't think I have a right to because he should be allowed some privacy. Under the circumstances I don't agree with this and still feel he's hiding something.

Overall the relationship is better but its still chewing over in my head, does anyone have any advice?

Jen

[Trojan John]

He is, quite obviously, abusive and a liar. Anyone who intentionally pours a hot tea on a pregnant woman deserves jail time. As if your evidence didn't tell you enough, he is evidently cheating on you as well.

 

Seperate yourself from this guy. Seek support from your family and friends, and legal advice regarding the abuse and future child support payments.

[Owl]

Let me ask this, Jenmel.

 

Go back and re-read your post...only view it as if this were a friend coming to you telling you this story.

 

What would you tell her to do?

[Confused father]

Eject! Eject! Eject! get teh hell out of there, before that baby is born. Press charges or file a complaint about the hot tea.

Stay far away from him.

[travelgirl]

Sweetie,

 

You need to get away ASAP. I am sure you are an emotional mess and about to deliver his baby but he is cheating on you. Maybe it isn't physical yet but I highly doubt it if he was looking up hotel sites. Plus - he is physically and emotionally abusive to you and the fact that his baby is inside of you during all the abuse (and cheating) is 10 times worse.

 

Normally I would say try and work this out but for now you need to go find family and stay with them. Tell him, until HE seeks out therapy for his abuse, discloses ALL of the truth from you and sets up marriage counseling, there is not even a 1% chance you will come back to him. STOP letting him have control of this situation. As hard as it is, get a backbone and LEAVE HIM NOW. Your child's life or yours is in jeopardy if you stay. He is the type that will NEVER change if you sit back and act like a nice wife. You need to set boundaries. If he loves you, he will try his hardest to work this out for you and your child even if he is completely angry at first (which he will be.)

 

He is gaslighting you. Google it and then stop falling for it. You are NOT the guilty one here!

 

I wish you luck. Keep posting here and let us know you are okay.

[Jenmel]

I understand what your all saying but the baby is due any day now I don't think I can handle any more upset and upheaval. They're isn't really anywhere for me to go if I did choose to leave but why should I be the one to go? At the time he offered to go stay at his brothers but I told him not to because he had to face up to what he had done and talk to me about it.

His temper is pretty bad but i've had worse, he has never laid a finger on me and the tea incident was when he was flailing his arms about and because we were shouting at each other I don't know wether it was intended or not.

He is insistant that he loves me and he seems genuinely excited about the baby. I just can't trust him and I just don't know what to do, leaving doesn't feel like the right solution though.

[ricardotorero]

Hi

Someone cheating will lie their arse off if it means they can deflect your suspicions away from themselves. I have first hand experience - when I was initially suspiciouis and was questioning my girlfriend on the sate of our relationship she looked me in the eye and asked me if I thought she was having an affair. I later found out that 3 days earlier she'd has sex with her "workmate"

Never be suprised how good at lying peolpe can be.

 

Good luck

 

Ricardo

[serial muse]

Sweetheart, I am going to tell you what I would tell my own children. This isn't going away or going to get better until you take a stand. And the longer you wait the harder it will to take that stand. I speak from experience. I wasn't physically abused, but emotionally and mentally. It is crippling and debilitating. It leads to escalating behavior, a battle zone in the home and even infidelity, but the worst is maiming and death. I know you are due to deliver soon, but you have to fight through your fear and hormones and think of your child. Look at what I bolded, this is a terrifying for me. You have a child on the way, and your #1 priority should be protecting that child. You can't do it if you are in a hospital, coma or dead.

 

I want you to be so afraid you leave. I want you to love yourself enough(and your child)that you run like your @ss was on fire and the nearest water was a mile away.

 

bnb, I bet you're a great mom.

 

Jen, please listen to this - I know it's not going to be easy for you, but it's true that you need to think not only of whether his temper is too difficult for you, but of what your child will be exposed to. This man is obviously still cheating; and he doesn't sound like he'd be thoughtful or responsible enough even to use condoms to protect you from getting an STD. He'll hurt you, one way or another, and he may be a danger to your child, too. Please, be careful.

[Confused father]

I understand what your all saying but the baby is due any day now I don't think I can handle any more upset and upheaval. They're isn't really anywhere for me to go if I did choose to leave but why should I be the one to go? At the time he offered to go stay at his brothers but I told him not to because he had to face up to what he had done and talk to me about it.

His temper is pretty bad but i've had worse, he has never laid a finger on me and the tea incident was when he was flailing his arms about and because we were shouting at each other I don't know wether it was intended or not.

He is insistant that he loves me and he seems genuinely excited about the baby. I just can't trust him and I just don't know what to do, leaving doesn't feel like the right solution though.

 

Please, stop making excuses for him. There is no reason for the tea incident. He shouldn't be doing anything to rile your emotions or anger in your state. he does not care. If he did, you would know. Kick him out. If he won't leave on his own, get help from family and friends or if necessary the police, but get him away.

Once you have the baby, he is going to have more room and time to cheat. No wonder he is excited.

[Geishawhelk]

I understand what your all saying but the baby is due any day now I don't think I can handle any more upset and upheaval. They're isn't really anywhere for me to go if I did choose to leave but why should I be the one to go? At the time he offered to go stay at his brothers but I told him not to because he had to face up to what he had done and talk to me about it.

His temper is pretty bad but i've had worse, he has never laid a finger on me and the tea incident was when he was flailing his arms about and because we were shouting at each other I don't know wether it was intended or not.

He is insistant that he loves me and he seems genuinely excited about the baby. I just can't trust him and I just don't know what to do, leaving doesn't feel like the right solution though.

 

Forgive me for saying so, but this happens all the time:

 

• People come on here with a severe problem.
  
• They seek advice and feedback.
  
• several members come back and pretty much unanimously give the same advice.
  
• Poster becomes defensive and makes excuses.....
  

This is because suddenly they are afraid of taking that final step and doing what they know they have to do.

If he is guilty - and he sure as hell is - he should by rights be doing everything in his power to regain your trust and make up for what he has done.

Instead, he continues to be evasive, you can't trust him, and he has a temper.

Call your family and do something about this now, before the possibly accidental tea incident, becomes a definitely intentional fist incident.

[LakesideDream]

Advice? Sure, why not. My advise is to chose a better man the next time around.

 

This one is worthless.

[Trialbyfire]

Forgive me for saying so, but this happens all the time:

 

• People come on here with a severe problem.
  
• They seek advice and feedback.
  
• several members come back and pretty much unanimously give the same advice.
  
• Poster becomes defensive and makes excuses.....
  

This is because suddenly they are afraid of taking that final step and doing what they know they have to do.

If he is guilty - and he sure as hell is - he should by rights be doing everything in his power to regain your trust and make up for what he has done.

Instead, he continues to be evasive, you can't trust him, and he has a temper.

Call your family and do something about this now, before the possibly accidental tea incident, becomes a definitely intentional fist incident.

Listen to this and all the others about what to do. What do you think could possibly happen to your baby if he does this?

[MichelleS1983]

At the time he offered to go stay at his brothers but I told him not to because he had to face up to what he had done and talk to me about it.

Rats - foiled again. There's nothing better this pile of garbage would have liked than to stay at his brothers so he can continue acting like a complete sleazeball.

 

His temper is pretty bad but i've had worse, he has never laid a finger on me and the tea incident was when he was flailing his arms about and because we were shouting at each other I don't know wether it was intended or not.

Stop making excuses for this piece of sh*t because you're trapped with him by pregnancy. I'm sure if you weren't pregnant you might feel you have more choices. Now you've tied yourself to this jerkoff for the next 21 years.

 

He is insistant that he loves me and he seems genuinely excited about the baby. I just can't trust him and I just don't know what to do, leaving doesn't feel like the right solution though.

Leaving this UTTER LOSER the second you're done reading this POST isn't fast enough.

 

Only a complete SCUMBAG throws hot tea on a heavily pregnant woman. Stop making excuses for him. What a complete ass he is. I honestly believe women should REALLY check out the gene pool they're dipping into when they get pregnant. Sheesh.

[Jenmel]

How can I leave? Someone advised me not to make a rash decision because hormones are raging etc. Feel so lonely and confused. If I leave I have nowhere to live, no family nearby, i'm only getting stat maternity pay which doesn't even cover rent. I really really feel totally trapped, I can't even leave the house at the moment cos i'm too pregnant to drive and my boyfriends car is such I can't get insurance on it to drive anyway. I don't want my baby boy to grow up without a dad, my own parents divorced when I was 10 and it was horrible not being in a family anymore. I don't want to be a young single mum having to scrape by on benefits, if only i'd known what he was really like I would never of allowed myself to get pregnant. I really thought we were stronger than this he is such a bastard for doing this, why would anyone do this????

[Athena]

Are you kidding? Why? Because he wants to, and furthermore he is getting away with it, and believe me when I tell you that he will continue to do so. He has NOT shown you drastically different behavior -- his thinking is still warped, and until he feels pain (i.e. gets consequences that matter to him) he will still seek to fulfill those other needs of his.

 

I suggest you kick him out -- yes, let him go to his brother's house. Since he is excited about the baby coming, I am sure he will still come and get you and take you to the hospital, and do whatever you tell him to do.

However, you might want to set up the help you need with family or friends instead, and tell him how you Really feel about what he did: That you are disgusted with him. Yes. That will not make him feel good. So long as you 'ignore' that part of him, he will receive no motivation to address that ugly side of him.

 

Anyway, he should help you financially since the baby is his, but since you two are not married it is up to you to decide whether to have him in your baby's life, and he should know this, to make him understand now is the time for him to man up and start behaving appropriately in order to be a part of your life, and baby's life.... it is not his 'right' if he is screwing around... okay?

 

You do have options. You just think you don't.

Never mind the hormones possibly influencing you in a way that you might not be thinking if you were not pregnant -- I am pretty sure the posters that have advised you to get rid of him are not under those hormonal influences at all, they are more objective since they don't know you and they are not pregnant.

 

You have to take control of your situation and your life. If you don't, what do you think will happen? That the man who shows no control over his base impulses will suddenly receive enlightenment and start making your life great? Nope, he will continue to do what he is doing. It's up to you to organize and control what happens, to direct your own life.

 

BTW -- the way to figure out whether he threw hot tea over you on purpose, or by accident, is to think of HOW he reacted directly afterwards.

That will give you an indication of his frame of mind.

Was he extremely sorry, did he apologize, help clean you up, explain that he didn't mean to do that?

Or was he indifferent to you?

[travelgirl]

Do you have any friends, family, relatives that you can say this story to and they would IMMEDIATELY come and get you, take you in, keep you safe and be a support for you and the baby?

 

THAT is the person (people) you call. Good Luck!

[RecordProducer]

Reasons for you to stay:

 

 

1. the baby is due any day now I don't think I can handle any more upset and upheaval.

 

2. They're isn't really anywhere for me to go if I did choose to leave

 

3. he has never laid a finger on me and the tea incident was when he was flailing his arms about and because we were shouting at each other I don't know wether it was intended or not.

 

4. He is insistant that he loves me

 

5. he seems genuinely excited about the baby.

 

6. not to make a rash decision because hormones are raging etc.

 

7. I have no family nearby

 

8. i'm only getting stat maternity pay which doesn't even cover rent.

 

9. I can't even leave the house at the moment cos i'm too pregnant to drive and my boyfriends car is such I can't get insurance on it to drive anyway.

 

10. I don't want my baby boy to grow up without a dad, my own parents divorced when I was 10 and it was horrible not being in a family anymore. I don't want to be a young single mum having to scrape by on benefits.

 

Reasons for you to leave:

 

1. I just can't trust him and I just don't know what to do,

2. Feel so lonely and confused

[LovieDove24]

"I don't want to be a young single mum having to scrape by on benefits, if only i'd known what he was really like I would never of allowed myself to get pregnant. I really thought we were stronger than this he is such a bastard for doing this, why would anyone do this????"

 

Sweetie, I understand this. I am a young single mama myself...have been since I was 4 months pregnant. It IS scary but it can be done. I am living proof and now that my daughter is 6 months old my routine is settling in and its not so hard anymore. Here is my advice to you having had to apply and be on assistance myself:

 

1. Living situation RIGHT NOW: Stay where you are while you get your assistance papers together or go to a womens shelter. Getting all the assistance you need could take anywhere from one to six months so be prepared for this.

 

2. Apply for subsidized housing, foodstamps, WIC, daycare assistance, and state funded healthcare. Go to your county's "Health and Human Services" website and call them. Set up an appointment with a social worker there who will help you with the application process.

 

3. Depending on if your EX (yes I said ex) is going to sign the birth ceritificate you can do one of two things for child support...a) Have him sign whats called a "Voluntary Paternity Acknowledgement" form which will absolve him from a paternity blood test or b) File a claim with the county to have a paternity blood test done, in which case THEY will hunt him down. Once the paternity is established set up a court date to have child support arrangements set up.

 

4. Enjoy your maternity leave but KEEP ON TOP OF THESE THINGS!!! You will have to hound the state workers for all of the assistance you have applied for...they will drop you off the radar in a second, getting all this assistance is like a full time job! Just keep at it, you will get it eventually. Like I said could take 6 months or more.

 

5. Do not tell your EX (there it is again) about all of your plans of leaving. I think he will become extremely manipulative if you do. Just carry on with business as usual and please please please find all the support you can....

 

Hope this helps.