mistresswchildren Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I don't know what I am doing!!! I have dated a few guys since the official end of the affair, and none of the guys met my standards until now. It has only been a week and a half, but I find myself "in like" with someone for the very first time. He is good to me, he is good to my children, he is a smart and handsome man, but I am sitting here waiting for something to be wrong. He wants to spend time with me. He offered to watch my kids so that I could go out with an old friend. He seems to be genuinely interested, but I keep thinking, "Why on earth would he want me?". I cannot figure it out. I keep thinking that my self esteem has been beaten up so much through all of this that I don't know what anyone would want with me. That in itself can ruin any potential relationship. So, what do I do now? I don't want to act like a fool. I don't want to be blinded by someone simply because I like them. I want this to slowly progress into something (or nothing), but then again I really like being around him. We have hung out six times over the week and half that we have known each other. We have had two actual dates and then some snuggling on the couch and watching movies the other times. While I enjoy spending time with him, doesn't that seem to be too much time? Does it seem to anyone else that things are "progressing" too quickly? I over analyze a lot, so if anyone can tell me their opinion, I would greatly appreciate it. I am over the affair. I am so glad that there will be no further contact with the MM. My heart has really started to heal, but I suppose the lessons that I have learned will follow me throughout my life. I cannot trust blindly, and with that goes the fact that I feel as if I cannot trust myself or my emotions. I doubt everything. How do you begin again with a new person? If anyone can explain it to me, I would greatly appreciate it.
SierraRose Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 You were involved with a MM, his 2nd choice and accepted whatever he gave you. OK, so now you have a man that is into you, like your kids and treats you well. You are worried about it progressing to quickly. The R w/ MM was not a real R but a fantasy...if you are questioning yourself, maybe u r not truly over the MM. Trust is something that comes over time, not overnight. I say if you like this guy, let nature take it's course.....
SierraRose Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 It IS possible too, you are over the MM, yet not ready to start another R. The only person who can answer that is you...
Author mistresswchildren Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 It IS possible too, you are over the MM, yet not ready to start another R. The only person who can answer that is you... This is possibly true. I haven't figured out the answer to this question yet. I want to be ready. If this guy is really as great as he seems, I don't want to lose out on him. He will definitely end up with someone else as soon as that happens.
SierraRose Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Slow and steady wins the race....take one day at a time and don't put any unnecessary pressure on yourself. I got out of a LTR, then got involved with MM (read my other threads). I went out on one date since then. I don't know if this will make sence...I am over the A, but I still love my BFF/MM. I am just not ready to date...
wildsoul Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Disclaimer: I don't have children. So for someone w/o kids, I don't think it's particularly unusual to have 2 dates and watch a movie on TV in the first 1.5 weeks. Though I don't think introducing him to your kids, certainly not babysitting(!) sounds right at this stage. Most single parents I know don't have the bf/gf's meet the little ones until the R is getting serious. Roll back the amount of time he has w/ your kids, while you enjoy getting to know him better. Have fun!
Author mistresswchildren Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Disclaimer: I don't have children. So for someone w/o kids, I don't think it's particularly unusual to have 2 dates and watch a movie on TV in the first 1.5 weeks. Though I don't think introducing him to your kids, certainly not babysitting(!) sounds right at this stage. Most single parents I know don't have the bf/gf's meet the little ones until the R is getting serious. Roll back the amount of time he has w/ your kids, while you enjoy getting to know him better. Have fun! I agree with this. Sometimes, it stings a little to see how good he is with my children when their father has been such a bad father. I'm not sure why it stings, but it does. He wants to help me with them. He wants to be around them. He has asked me if we want to go to the zoo next week to see the Christmas lights. He is including them in our plans because he knows that they are so important to me, but it feels too much like he is trying to be part of the family. I'm not ready for that yet. I like that he realizes that we are a packaged deal, but I think that the time that he spends with the kids is really getting to me. It isn't that he creeps me out when he is around them or anything, but it is the fact that he is so willing to jump in and help. I have never had that before. I have been doing this on my own for so long that I have no clue how to accept someone else's help. I just hope that he doesn't have a longing for a family and is trying to use mine to fulfill that dream. From what I know he is perfectly capable of having his own. He eventually says that he wants his own. Maybe, he just wants to play "daddy" so that he knows how it feels. I don't know. Maybe, I am just looking for a hidden agenda where there is none. Keep posting, PLEASE!! Whoever reads this, please know that I need someone else's input. I need to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I can bring myself down to reality where I need to be.
Reggie Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Just go slow. If it is right, you will not lose him. I think your perception re the urgency to keep from losing him is influenced by having been involved with a dishonorable MM. Not all guys are like that.
LakesideDream Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I agree with this. Sometimes, it stings a little to see how good he is with my children when their father has been such a bad father. I'm not sure why it stings, but it does. He wants to help me with them. He wants to be around them. He has asked me if we want to go to the zoo next week to see the Christmas lights. He is including them in our plans because he knows that they are so important to me, but it feels too much like he is trying to be part of the family. I'm not ready for that yet. I like that he realizes that we are a packaged deal, but I think that the time that he spends with the kids is really getting to me. It isn't that he creeps me out when he is around them or anything, but it is the fact that he is so willing to jump in and help. I have never had that before. I have been doing this on my own for so long that I have no clue how to accept someone else's help. I just hope that he doesn't have a longing for a family and is trying to use mine to fulfill that dream. From what I know he is perfectly capable of having his own. He eventually says that he wants his own. Maybe, he just wants to play "daddy" so that he knows how it feels. I don't know. Maybe, I am just looking for a hidden agenda where there is none. Keep posting, PLEASE!! Whoever reads this, please know that I need someone else's input. I need to hear the good, the bad, and the ugly, so that I can bring myself down to reality where I need to be. Is he from a big family ? Lots of brothers and sisters ? He might have lots of experiance with chillins.. Have you asked ? There's also a chance he really likes kids. My son, who is a general dirt bag is absolutely a prince with young chillins always has been. I've never seen anyone better, more gentle and sweet. That's a possibility too. Then there's the "not so nice" possibility. CHECK YOUR SEX OFFENDER REGISTRY. HELL CHECK EM ALL. You have the means, you are looking at the screen right now. In fact, I'd suggest that to any young woman, kids or not.
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I totally agree with Wildsoul. It is way too soon for him to be getting involved with your children. You don't even know him so it should out of the question that he would babysit for you until you're certain about his character. Personally, I think he's too focused on your kids at this stage. I'm not saying there's something wrong with him but his unusual focus would make me cautious. It's really inappropriate to get your kids involved with him too deeply right now. The two of you need to figure out if you're compatible first because if you decide in 2 or 3 mos that it's not working out, then your kids are going to be hurt. It's your responsibility to protect your children from this because they're probably hoping for a father figure in their lives. It would be sad to raise false hopes. I know it's impossible to keep him away from the kids all the time, but doing family things together right now is putting your kid's hearts at risk. Yes, the MM situation is always a slap in the face and the ego when he chooses his marriage over you. Being aware of this is really in your favor so you can overcome it, or recognize it when it starts causing problems in your current relationship. But most men do not date a woman they're not interested in. If he's really sincere about the things he says, then he sounds like a great guy and someone who will help you remember the beauty inside you.
CAMAYPARK Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 MC, just enjoy your dates with this new man. After all, why shouldn't you, you are a great person, with a lot to offer. Don't over analyse things, just let it flow. Do you and the new man "clique"? Is there a "connection"? Just relax and enjoy yourself, you deserve it after all the pain and suffering that you had been through with XMM.
Author mistresswchildren Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 He isn't being creepy about the kids. The small things that he has done have just allowed me to know that he is alright with the fact that I have kids. It is just a big deal to me. It's all the small things now that astound me. Since I have never had anyone else care about them besides my immediate family and myself, it is interesting to see that he has a very "easy" way with them. They don't freak him out. He isn't afraid to be around them. It's refreshing in a lot of ways. He comes from a family of three. He is the oldest. His siblings are not much younger than him, so he wasn't taking care of them in his youth. He actually told me he has never been a baby sitter or anything. He told me he just knows that my kids are the most important part of my life, and he knows that if he wants to have a chance with me, he has to get to know them. Right now, it is impossible for him not to "run into" the two of them. If he comes over for a movie, they are there. If he picks me up for a date, they are there. He seems to accept that. He just wants me to know that he is okay with the fact that I have two kids. I'm the one that keeps making the fact that I am a single mother a big deal. I guess it really isn't that big of a deal to a lot of guys. I suppose I felt that as a single mother my life outside of the children was over. I don't always trust my judgement. That is my biggest issue right now. I don't want to be my mother. She chose a man that eventually beat us. He seemed nice enough until later. I realize that I am not her, and that my experience has probably made me more aware of whether or not a guy is upstanding or not. I don't feel that I will be blinded by any one or anything. I am just hoping that I am right. This is just the first time that I have had butterflies in my stomach again. This is the first time since the affair that I have allowed someone to get to me. I had my walls up, still do, but he was able to break through to some degree. Maybe, this is all just part of the healing process. I hope that is all it is.
Author mistresswchildren Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 MC, just enjoy your dates with this new man. After all, why shouldn't you, you are a great person, with a lot to offer. Don't over analyse things, just let it flow. Do you and the new man "clique"? Is there a "connection"? Just relax and enjoy yourself, you deserve it after all the pain and suffering that you had been through with XMM. We do click. There is a connection. We both have decided in this stage of our lives that we simply don't have time for BS. We have pretty much laid all of our cards on the table. I don't judge him for what he has done, and he doesn't judge me. It is a completely different relationship than I am used to. This is possibly the first "mature" relationship that I have been in. I'm not sure I can even call it a relationship, but maybe eventually something will come of it.
Angel1111 Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Everything sounds great with this guy and I'm really happy for you. He sounds very sure of himself and of what he wants. I think you have found a good thing. Try not to overnoodle it or decide that you don't deserve someone wonderful in your life. You do. I'm so sorry to hear about how your stepfather treated you and your family. That is so sad and I can see how you would be concerned about repeating that in your life. But I really think that once you've been around people like that, you tend to develop a sixth sense about them and can spot them very quickly. So I wouldn't worry about it too much. I think things are going to go really well with this guy. I hope you'll keep us posted.
signedin2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 We have pretty much laid all of our cards on the table. I don't judge him for what he has done, and he doesn't judge me. Before I or anyone can give you useful input, some more information are needed. 1) How did you meet him? If through mutual friend/family, what do they think of him? 2) How old is he? 3) What has he done that makes you wrote "I don't judge him for what he has done?" 4) What does he do for living? You have made some very bad judgment in the past. I wouldn't blame you for doubting yourself in this area. You can never be too careful with your own children. There are men out there who are attracted to kids target single mothers due to their vulnerability. You need judgment and opitions from others, especially people in your life who have met him in person before so you don't get clouded or blinded by his charm and love.
Author mistresswchildren Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 Before I or anyone can give you useful input, some more information are needed. 1) How did you meet him? If through mutual friend/family, what do they think of him? 2) How old is he? 3) What has he done that makes you wrote "I don't judge him for what he has done?" 4) What does he do for living? You have made some very bad judgment in the past. I wouldn't blame you for doubting yourself in this area. You can never be too careful with your own children. There are men out there who are attracted to kids target single mothers due to their vulnerability. You need judgment and opitions from others, especially people in your life who have met him in person before so you don't get clouded or blinded by his charm and love. I met him through a mutual friend. She is my best friend, and he is simply an acquaintance of hers. She used to work with him a long time ago. She says that she remembers him as a good guy, but she cannot make a full on judgement until she spends more time with him again. He is 28. That is three years older than myself, and it sometimes brings more maturity which I am desperately seeking in a relationship. He has a son that he gave up for adoption when he was seventeen. I personally feel that it was the most mature decision that he and his girlfriend at the time could have made. At that age it would be extremely difficult to take care of a child. He still gets updates about his son. He knows that he is part of a very loving family. I don't think there is anything wrong with it, and even if other people do, I feel that it was a good decision. He has a bachelors in graphic design, and he is now going back to school for his engineering degree. He decided that he really didn't want to do graphic design. He is currently working at a high end restaurant as a server. I won't knock him for that. He is putting himself through school that way.
Angel1111 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 It sounds like he's got a great future ahead of him. I admire the way he keeps track of his son's life and well-being. I think that's very touching - and I think it explains a lot about his feelings toward your children. Yes, that had to be a killer decision to put his son up for adoption but it seems to me that he was thinking more of his son than he was of himself. The more you say about him, the more he sounds like a really good guy.
signedin2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I have two advice for you: 1) Take it slow. If he is really the one, he wouldn't mind waiting for a year, two, or three. 2) Listen to judgment and opinion of others about him. There are things that they will see that you may not. It's very hard to know someone, even if he turns out to be a beater, cheater, user, molester up front and in a short time period. I am not judging, but I have to say that I am not sure if it's a good idea for a mother to leave her two young children with a man she just recently met so she can go out with her friends.
Author mistresswchildren Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 I have two advice for you: 1) Take it slow. If he is really the one, he wouldn't mind waiting for a year, two, or three. 2) Listen to judgment and opinion of others about him. There are things that they will see that you may not. It's very hard to know someone, even if he turns out to be a beater, cheater, user, molester up front and in a short time period. I am not judging, but I have to say that I am not sure if it's a good idea for a mother to leave her two young children with a man she just recently met so she can go out with her friends. I said he OFFERED. I did not say I accepted. The offer in itself was the nice part. I told him it was way too early for him to be offering to watch the kids for me. He understood. He just wanted me to be able to have fun because he knows that I don't ever go out.
child_of_isis Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 The offer is creepy to me, and a major red flag....but I work in child abuse. The 'way too early' line pretty much tells him what he needs to know. I said he OFFERED. I did not say I accepted. The offer in itself was the nice part. I told him it was way too early for him to be offering to watch the kids for me. He understood. He just wanted me to be able to have fun because he knows that I don't ever go out.
jwi71 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 MWC I am so glad that you now believe that men will love you and your children and truly not give crap that you have children. I will now pat myself on the back. Thank you, thank you. Having said that - STOP. You are making a tremendous mistake. Not in dating, but in exposing your children to him. Immediately cut contact between your kids and this man. And it has nothing to do with the man. Its about your children. They are young and impressionable. They easily form attachments. And they will easily and quickly form an emotional bond to this man. A man you barely know. A R that may fail because of, well 1000 reasons. Its too soon for him or any date to meet your children. The R between you and your date must be more solidly formed. For if you two break up, it devastate the kids. Confuse if you set this pattern of date, meet man, man leaves their life. I would say that no date meets your children for a YEAR. After a year, your R is intact, stable, has some history and hopefully a future. Then he can meet your kids. If that means getting a babysitter and meeting him at the movies - fine. If that means the kids stay at your parents so he can spend the night - fine. My opinion anyway
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 MWC... After having my daughter and being divorced...dating was totally different of course. You start looking for different qualities in a man than you had before parenting. But I did find... Some guys like to "try on" parenting. Thats fine! I think some of the men I met enjoyed the dates to parks and bowling, etc that we took my daughter along on...more than the dates with me alone. Go figure. Some guys really enjoy the fact that they can make themselves more attractive to a single mom if they show they love kids and are good with them. Once that ego thing is established...they can lose interest. So, anyway...I ended up hardly ever introducing my daughter to any of them. Then one stuck.
Agent_99 Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 MWC~ So I am in a similar position that you are in. I dated for a bit and no one was a fit until my current. So as not to cause too much confusion for those who know that I am lesbian I am dating a female to male transgender. He ia awesome. He has the qualities I have been looking for, and some I didn't even know I would want. After our 2nd and 3rd dates I went through a similar feeling/thought pattern that you are. I kept waiting for the other shoe to fall. I even invented a bit of drama for myself about it all. Then I realized I was going to scare/push him away by what I was doing. Even now I feel somewhat insecure. We have no commitments to each other, although we are only dating each other. I KNOW I need to take things slow, and I also know that I have a tendency to rush into anything I am doing. So we have both talked about taking it slow and what that means on some levels. There are others we haven't discussed yet. But that is part of taking it slow Your guy sounds great, and you deserve great. We both do. Of course I am a worrier, and I worry that he'll keep looking for someone else to date, or that he'll just come out and say there is something about me he can't deal with. But such is life. If I want to find love, I have to be open to getting hurt. So my advice. Take it slow, if you are feeling too much urgency about something ask for a little space/time to calm and center yourself. Keep your balance and I think you'll be fine. Don't rush anything. If he's going to be there for the long haul in the end, a little patience now isn't a bad thing. Good luck ~99
Married One Posted December 6, 2008 Posted December 6, 2008 Totally agree that no, take your time. With kids, your being hurt after affair, your family history etc.. Why would you need to rush anything? Also, why get the kids involved already, when YOU yourself not sure yet? Also, in the end, I truly believe, men, good or bad, in the end, it is that one thing that motivates them in the beginning. So, keep all that exciting and see his true self meanwhile first. I think it is quite normal for you to be cautious, if not good even. It's fine as long as you also still appreciate the joy as you go along. All the best. I don't know what I am doing!!! I have dated a few guys since the official end of the affair, and none of the guys met my standards until now. It has only been a week and a half, but I find myself "in like" with someone for the very first time. He is good to me, he is good to my children, he is a smart and handsome man, but I am sitting here waiting for something to be wrong. He wants to spend time with me. He offered to watch my kids so that I could go out with an old friend. He seems to be genuinely interested, but I keep thinking, "Why on earth would he want me?". I cannot figure it out. I keep thinking that my self esteem has been beaten up so much through all of this that I don't know what anyone would want with me. That in itself can ruin any potential relationship. So, what do I do now? I don't want to act like a fool. I don't want to be blinded by someone simply because I like them. I want this to slowly progress into something (or nothing), but then again I really like being around him. We have hung out six times over the week and half that we have known each other. We have had two actual dates and then some snuggling on the couch and watching movies the other times. While I enjoy spending time with him, doesn't that seem to be too much time? Does it seem to anyone else that things are "progressing" too quickly? I over analyze a lot, so if anyone can tell me their opinion, I would greatly appreciate it. I am over the affair. I am so glad that there will be no further contact with the MM. My heart has really started to heal, but I suppose the lessons that I have learned will follow me throughout my life. I cannot trust blindly, and with that goes the fact that I feel as if I cannot trust myself or my emotions. I doubt everything. How do you begin again with a new person? If anyone can explain it to me, I would greatly appreciate it.
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