How can you tell if a man is selfish?

[9Lives]

I hate to admit it but I have been involved with guys who later I find out are so called selfish. I just want to get some input. How can you tell if a man is selfish? I hear people say they are selfish, or he is selfish, or whatever. your thoughts?

[Nagini]

I had a guy who told me on both our dates he could be mean.

Turns out that was code for selfish bastard

[9Lives]

Yeah my ex told he me he was selfish but he was so sweet in the beginning that i did not see it. He could be really mean at times.

He is charming but alot of people did not like him where we worked.

 

He would do stuff to make me happy but i could tell that his heart was not in it. Is that being selfish?

 

I did stuff to make him happy too but I did not mind even when it wasnt convenient. I think he did the same at time.

 

Im confused

[movingonandon]

I hate to admit it but I have been involved with guys who later I find out are so called selfish. I just want to get some input. How can you tell if a man is selfish? I hear people say they are selfish, or he is selfish, or whatever. your thoughts?

 

Somebody who's completely inconsiderate of the needs of others, duh.

(Not to be confused with a guy who takes care of his needs first, which is what everybody should be doing).

You can easily tell if the guy is not the latter (in which case why would you wana do anything with him?), it takes some time to figure out if he is the former.

Oh, and the same applies to women...

[Nagini]

Yeah my ex told he me he was selfish but he was so sweet in the beginning that i did not see it. He could be really mean at times.

He is charming but alot of people did not like him where we worked.

 

He would do stuff to make me happy but i could tell that his heart was not in it. Is that being selfish?

 

I did stuff to make him happy too but I did not mind even when it wasnt convenient. I think he did the same at time.

 

Im confused

Mine never stopped being sweet.

But it was weird, it was almost like he knew 'appearing sweet' was powerful. That women appreciate it

And he would do nice things, but they were almost rote.

Im living with a male roommate right now who I have no interest in, but is same way.

I watch him intertact with his poor gf and although he is nice to her face and seems 'polite' his heart doesnt seem in it.

I asked him about it and he gave me such a cold cold blooded answer.

He says he read a book called 'How To Be a Gentleman' and that women like to 'think' men are caring and nice.

Meanwhile he cheats on her and says he will never get married/.

While his poor silly gf (she a big spoiled and clueless)

thinks theyre getting married soon and have kids !

 

 

So Ive bene around men who seem sweet and gallant and kind of leaves me cold that theyre really hollow selfish bastards at their core.

[SierraRose]

Most men are selfish.

[norajane]

Yeah my ex told he me he was selfish

 

I had a guy who told me on both our dates he could be mean.

 

When guys tell you stuff like this, BELIEVE them. They know themselves FAR better than you do. And they have NO reason to say it unless it's true.

 

Selfish people give themselves away in many ways. When they think of their own interests instead of considering you and your feelings as well, that's a sign. But, usually, you know if someone is selfish if you're feeling like crap most of the time while you bend over backwards to please them.

[Nagini]

When guys tell you stuff like this, BELIEVE them. They know themselves FAR better than you do. And they have NO reason to say it unless it's true.

 

Selfish people give themselves away in many ways. When they think of their own interests instead of considering you and your feelings as well, that's a sign. But, usually, you know if someone is selfish if you're feeling like crap most of the time while you bend over backwards to please them.

 

 

Very true NoraJane.

Men who are abusers do drop signs from the onset.

People think they hide their true nature but looking back there are always clues.

When my ex said he could be mean on both dates, it almost didn't register.

But when he said it the first time I told him he has said that before. He looks suprised for split second, shrugged and then said he was thinking of maybe being mean to people.

I still don't know what that means.

I finally gave him the heaveho when a friend of his said oh now that he's finally an Atheist and stopped going to Church.

I dont even go to Church, but he had told me his faith was important.

When I asked him about it, he said no he tries to keep being religious, but he can't really be that 'spiritual' and that he is afraid if he became an atheist he'd act like MORE of a sociopath.

 

 

Uh see ya later !

 

So anyway selfish men will give themselves away.

 

Even my weird roommate drops hints to his doormat gf.

He makes little cynical 'jokes' like women should always walk behind men and she should carry everything for him.

[sunshinegirl]

My ex told me he couldn't empathize with others, and that I was a nicer/better person than him.

 

At the time, I thought it was so great that he was so self-aware.

 

A year later, he cheated on me and left me for the office admin assistant.

[norajane]

My ex told me he couldn't empathize with others, and that I was a nicer/better person than him.

 

At the time, I thought it was so great that he was so self-aware.

 

A year later, he cheated on me and left me for the office admin assistant.

 

See? They don't even try to hide it! They put it out there and women give it the best possible spin instead of just BELIEVING what they're saying, and taking it at face value.

 

Something else you should believe when they tell you: I'm not good enough for you.

 

Yeah, you might think, oh, how sweet, he really thinks I'm so wonderful, or he's insecure because he thinks I'm great. No, it's more that he KNOWS he's gonna f*ck things up in a big way eventually, or he doesn't love you as much as you love him.

[MN randomguy]

Simple,

 

Don't be so self absorbed when you're with him.

 

He'll be nice to you if he thinks it might eventually lead to sex. That's not selfless.

 

How does he treat people that don't have anything to offer him? Or, how does he treat people when he thinks you're not noticing, or when he has nothing to gain by being good to them?

[norajane]

How does he treat people that don't have anything to offer him? Or, how does he treat people when he thinks you're not noticing, or when he has nothing to gain by being good to them?

 

This is a great point. Watch how he treats waiters, taxi drivers, the barrista at Starbucks, the cashier at stores. Is he rude or polite if someone bumps into him on the street or at a club? Does he take phone calls when he's in a store at the counter paying for his purchases? How does he treat his roommate, his neighbors, his family?

[xpaperxcutx]

Simple,

 

Don't be so self absorbed when you're with him.

 

He'll be nice to you if he thinks it might eventually lead to sex. That's not selfless.

 

How does he treat people that don't have anything to offer him? Or, how does he treat people when he thinks you're not noticing, or when he has nothing to gain by being good to them?

 

The first time you meet him he couldn't stop talking about you. Then when you're in a relationship, you're always the one going to his place and doing what he wants, not what you want.

 

It's pretty much like after sex when you want to cuddle, and all he does is roll on his side and go to sleep.

[Nagini]

My ex told me he couldn't empathize with others, and that I was a nicer/better person than him.

 

At the time, I thought it was so great that he was so self-aware.

 

A year later, he cheated on me and left me for the office admin assistant.

 

 

Mine told me it was weak to care too much for others. he said he didnt care how i treated anyone else as long as i was sweet to him.

 

he wanted me to be an ayn rand heroine. cold sexy and make money

[Nagini]

This is a great point. Watch how he treats waiters, taxi drivers, the barrista at Starbucks, the cashier at stores. Is he rude or polite if someone bumps into him on the street or at a club? Does he take phone calls when he's in a store at the counter paying for his purchases? How does he treat his roommate, his neighbors, his family?

 

 

Don;t forget DRIVING.

Mine thought going 95 mph in morning traffic was fun.

and would flip off people when i was in his convertible. I cringed one time because he flipped out an old woman in an old station wagon (he didnt even look to see who he was fingering)

[MN randomguy]

This is a great point. Watch how he treats waiters, taxi drivers, the barrista at Starbucks, the cashier at stores. Is he rude or polite if someone bumps into him on the street or at a club? Does he take phone calls when he's in a store at the counter paying for his purchases? How does he treat his roommate, his neighbors, his family?

 

Thanks,

 

One other thing. If you're in your twenties, try to be a mentor to some preteen girls and teach this lesson.

 

It will make life a lot better for the decent guys in their generation.

 

Less of this:

 

My ex told me he couldn't empathize with others...

A year later, he cheated on me and left me for the office admin assistant.

 

 

And,

 

Most men are selfish.

[Capricciosa]

 

Something else you should believe when they tell you: I'm not good enough for you.

 

Yeah, you might think, oh, how sweet, he really thinks I'm so wonderful, or he's insecure because he thinks I'm great. No, it's more that he KNOWS he's gonna f*ck things up in a big way eventually, or he doesn't love you as much as you love him.

 

 

How very true. Had I listened to one of my exes when he told me this 3 weeks into our meeting, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. On the plus side, he taught me to really listen when men speak.

[Trialbyfire]

How very true. Had I listened to one of my exes when he told me this 3 weeks into our meeting, I would have saved myself a lot of heartache. On the plus side, he taught me to really listen when men speak.

Yes, really listen when people speak, when it comes to the negative. Watch out for when they blow smoke and sunshine up your butt.

[nittygritty]

This is a great point. Watch how he treats waiters, taxi drivers, the barrista at Starbucks, the cashier at stores. Is he rude or polite if someone bumps into him on the street or at a club? Does he take phone calls when he's in a store at the counter paying for his purchases? How does he treat his roommate, his neighbors, his family?

 

Or if they brag about how generous they are and flaunt it. Either extreme may be an indicator of selfishness.

[D-Jam]

I hate to admit it but I have been involved with guys who later I find out are so called selfish. I just want to get some input. How can you tell if a man is selfish? I hear people say they are selfish, or he is selfish, or whatever. your thoughts?

Selfish is a judgment call on your end. You might love to clean house for instance while he's "eh" on it. So you see it as fun or something when you wash his dishes, while another woman would think he's selfish because he's not up immediately to help.

 

To me, your question is the usual one women ask about how to spot bad behavior so they won't fall into the trap of a miserable RL where he's a jerk and she keeps tolerating it hoping things will get better.

 

The answer is really to have a back bone. You see repeated bad behavior, and you don't like it...don't be quiet about it and hope things will fix itself. Talk to him rationally about it in private. If he apologizes and tries to do better, then great. If he gets defensive and fights you on it, that's not good...especially if he has no intentions of fixing his bad behavior.

 

If he won't fix his bad behavior, then you need to forget about some magical night you had with him or magical nights. Forget about thinking you're so "worth it" that he should learn to respect you. Forget about fighting the good fight to get him to love you and treat you right.

 

JUST DUMP HIM.

 

Plenty of men out there who will do better. Women need to stop making the wrong ones their "projects" and learn to just dump those losers for someone who will treat them the way they want. Plus by now "standing by him" and enduring his abuse...you won't come out of the RL jaded, defensive, and "damaged".

[9Lives]

Selfish is a judgment call on your end. You might love to clean house for instance while he's "eh" on it. So you see it as fun or something when you wash his dishes, while another woman would think he's selfish because he's not up immediately to help.

 

To me, your question is the usual one women ask about how to spot bad behavior so they won't fall into the trap of a miserable RL where he's a jerk and she keeps tolerating it hoping things will get better.

 

The answer is really to have a back bone. You see repeated bad behavior, and you don't like it...don't be quiet about it and hope things will fix itself. Talk to him rationally about it in private. If he apologizes and tries to do better, then great. If he gets defensive and fights you on it, that's not good...especially if he has no intentions of fixing his bad behavior.

 

If he won't fix his bad behavior, then you need to forget about some magical night you had with him or magical nights. Forget about thinking you're so "worth it" that he should learn to respect you. Forget about fighting the good fight to get him to love you and treat you right.

 

JUST DUMP HIM.

 

Plenty of men out there who will do better. Women need to stop making the wrong ones their "projects" and learn to just dump those losers for someone who will treat them the way they want. Plus by now "standing by him" and enduring his abuse...you won't come out of the RL jaded, defensive, and "damaged".

 

Damm D

Your like.... kick his ass to the curve....quit playing dude!. I like that.... it is funny. And you are right...women always want to make him her project. We need to stop cause we are all grown ass people. people change when they want...bottom line.

 

We have already broken up and Im asking cause your right, I dont want selfish men in my life and I am not really sure at times if I got another ass on my hands. I would like to figure it out before I get all into the dude and then have to work on my emotions to let go of the loser.

[Vertex]

If there's anything I've learned, is that's the "warning signs" you see early on in a relationship tend to come back to haunt you at the end.

 

If a relationship's turning sour, don't hold onto a false hope that they are going to make a change for the better and suddenly appreciate and empathize with you in every way you had hoped for. The desire to change and actually work together as a team in the relationship has to come from within -- it can't be "forced." Usually, someone who is selfish will not make the efforts to improve, whereas someone who genuinely cares about your thoughts/feelings/opinions will take your concerns into consideration and at least make the effort.

 

I used to be that guy girls would go to to complain about their crappy boyfriends because I was "a good listener." However, I pretty much kill the notion now. Whenever I get approached by a female friend who is putting up with her douchebag boyfriend's obviously selfish/crappy behavior, I basically have no sympathy. Selfish people are going to be selfish because there's no incentive for them to change if you're putting up with their crap. Trying to "change them" just doesn't work. Dump the chump, and maybe after that guy's been burned a few times, he'll wise up and start thinking about more than just himself.

[D-Jam]

Men do it too 9Lives. Believe me, I have in my past as well. I'd see the warning signs early on, but kept thinking if I stay a good man to her, things will fix itself.

 

Every time it ended up either she flaked out and vanished on me to go and pursue abusive guys, or she thought I was "too nice for her" and also went after more abusive guys, or she just ended up running away from it all because her baggage was too heavy for her to believe someone wanted to treat her right. Yet I was the fool who stayed in things for weeks or more, when I should have looked at her from the outside and ended it quickly.

 

I'm very no-nonsense now. I see baggage, issues, lust for "bad boy" types, I'm gone. I don't sit there thinking I will "win her over" or show her that there are good men, I more or less evaluate that she's incapable of being happy in love and thus she's "damaged" in my eyes...and I walk.

 

Sorry to bring up the terms "bad boy" and "nice guy", but I've noticed the biggest issue in this debate is most women DON'T pick the bad people right of the bat. There are the few naive shallow ones who think they can tame the bartender, bass player, or biker into a loving BF...but most women just initially meet said "bad boy" or "playa" as a good looking guy who comes off to them as a good decent man with confidence and a life. It's only later when they get emotionally attached that the bad behavior comes out and it all comes to fruition that he was just putting on an act to get her, and now he could care less what happens.

 

Biggest mistake now happens...she STAYS and hopes she can get him to go back to the "act" only make it his permanent behavior. To change him and hope she can bring the prince back that he falsely pretended to be. They stay, endure loads of abuse, and then eventually break up when they can't take it anymore, or worse he dumps her.

 

The end result is a woman with lower self-esteem who doesn't trust men...and relationship-minded guys like me come along and now have to deal with their trust issues, trying to show them we're not like those guys. It's why I walk now rather than try. Thankfully my GF isn't full of baggage and appreciates someone being a good man to her.

 

Anyway...this is why I keep telling people to DUMP when they know it can't be fixed quickly and easily. My favorite excuse is "I've invested too much of myself into this to just toss it all away!" So putting in months or years more will make it better? Especially when it shows he has no intention of changing?

 

Always look at it from the outside. Imagine it was your friend. If you would tell your friend to dump that person, then you know it's time to end it.

[Trialbyfire]

9lives, a selfish man isn't going to fuel the relationship. He's going to consistently be putting himself first. Sure, they can be sweet during the honeymoon period of the relationship but that won't last forever and true colours come out like a 40 foot red flag.

 

Maybe there's a way to take a more balanced approach, where you don't fall too soon but still continue in a forward direction. Take it slow and easy until you get to know them better.

[Dexter Morgan]

I hate to admit it but I have been involved with guys who later I find out are so called selfish. I just want to get some input. How can you tell if a man is selfish? I hear people say they are selfish, or he is selfish, or whatever. your thoughts?

 

Selfish in which way? With regards to doing what he wants no matter how you feel about it, or in general, like if you ask him to do something and he doesn't want to do it because he doesn't want to get his ass off the couch?