What have I done?

[Married One]

Being that I have come into this forum with that title, I am sure, what I am about to discuss may have been discussed many times before. But, I AM in the middle of this "mess", and I do feel VERY lonely. So I would appreciate if someone/anyone would offer some advice, share some opinion or whatever, just so that I know I am not exactly going through all this "alone" with self-doubts etc..

 

To tell a short(ened) story, I am 43, an unhappy married woman, of 17 years, with 2 girls of 13 and 12. I have been feeling lonely in my marriage, one year ago, I toyed with the idea, with children still relatively young, it may be harmless to have a secret romance with some married man also. That was when I did find someone. The funny thing was, by the time the affair was about to begin, I had changed my mind and did not want to be involved with anyone who was married. But I did, because I liked him, but also because, he vowed he was planning to be separated from his wife prior to meeting me anyway. (He had been planning as he wanted to wait for the right time for his kids).

 

And indeed, the right time came last week! I am writing now because I am having to "leave them alone" to sort out things. And frankly, I do believe totally that this should be the way. However, I am also starting to feel ridiculous and beginning to have doubts about whether I really do want to be spending the rest of our lives together. I am starting to realise the exact reasons why I had retracted from being involved with a married man. I am thinking now, maybe his family problems will NEVER end. Instead of having it better if I ever left my marriage to end up with Mr. T, I will have a new set of problems to face, endlessly.

 

I will, of course, NOT be leaving my marriage solely because of or for him, but, I am also VERY scared if I did leave, if I would do worse with Mr. T.

 

This is very confusing and mean of me I know, as I do like the man. (I am even afraid to say I love him anymore ...which should go to show how scared I am, and how I am in a way, betraying him, at this very difficult time in his life).

 

Yes, very confused I am. Mr. T always says, despite the many obstacles for us to be together, he believes we WILL someday be together as we belong together, even if in 10 years' time. Often, I tend to want to believe that is true. And now, I am confused and probably depressed too, as I think to myself, later, I will feel ridiculous I can't be with him at one of the most difficult periods in his life! I do love him ...IF only he did not come with such a taxing baggage (his wife emotionally unstable, and is unlikely to have anyone else take care of her in his life, which is my biggest fear and was obviously not something I had realised before - he will always have to be shared me ...)

 

Thanks for any input ...

[Married One]

Could you please read my last (first ever) message here and share with me your insights? Many, many thanks, I really need your help !

[lkjh]

Why would you want to be with someone who has already cheated on one wife? Also, why dont you do the right thing and divorce before you fool around? Life is not just about you; you have a family to think about. What did your husband do so bad to deserve you?

[wildsoul]

Hi there. Welcome to the board! You're in the right place.

 

Slow it waaaay down. I'm recognizing the anxiety you seem to be in. You do NOT have to decide the entire future of the R(elationship) with him right now. Let it sit. Don't decide anything right now.

 

Independently, you each need to take care of your own M(arriages.) That's an enormous undertaking! You don't even know if his will stick yet. From what I've read here, many MP(married people) don't leave on the 1st try.

 

BTW: Is he leaving so he can be with you? Please clarify.

[Married One]

Thank you, thank you for this! I'm so grateful! And yes, I am anxious, as I am feeling quite lonely right now. I want to be part of his life, and yet, ethically, I canNOT, and should not be part of what he and his family are going through right now.

 

And no, he is NOT leaving because of me. He was already planning this separation (in fact TIMED this separation!) when I met him. (Incidentally, that had also been why I was more willing to get involved, as I always avoided to be a marriage wrecker or breaker!)

[Married One]

Thanks first of all for taking the trouble to write. Yes, go ahead, I would have been reacting the same way, if I were in your position and did not know the details (plesae see my reply to "windsoul" - I tried to explain).

 

This is the first time he is "cheating". At the time we met, he was already planning to leave his wife. And now he is leaving/separating, and it is NOT because of me (not that I am trying to justify his leaving, but at least, I know that he had his reasons). And both of us resorted to "cheating" because we want to wait out for a better time for the children.

 

I hope I can explain this to you better, for I understand exactly where you are coming from.

[Enema]

I agree with the other posters... you're jumping the gun here.

 

Deal with your own marriage first before going down this road. Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

[wildsoul]

And no, he is NOT leaving because of me. He was already planning this separation (in fact TIMED this separation!) when I met him. (Incidentally, that had also been why I was more willing to get involved, as I always avoided to be a marriage wrecker or breaker!)

Glad he's not leaving for you. So you've got no promises and no committment to him. Let him do what he needs to do. And while it might (will) make him less available, it would be a whole lot better if you stay out of is D(ivorce.)

 

I'm surprised to read that he timed his S(eperation) for right before xmas. Typically, all S or D talks get put on hold for at least December. Seems a little odd to me.

 

So you're probably gonna get a bunch of people talking about the elephant in the living room here. You might get out a kevlar suit. I'll try to ask about it kindly....

 

Why is it that you want to stay married yourself, but date a single man?

 

I don't get that. Keep in mind that I'm an OW (single) who was dating a M, now S, man. But the inequity of that has been maddening! I'm ready to go, but he's all entangled. Heartbreak city. It seems your Plan A, of 2 married people dating on the side would be less painful. Or is it that you wanted someone ready to go IF you decide to leave your M? What is your throught process on that?

[Married One]

Hi Thanks. Don't get me wrong, of course I will HAVE to sort myself out first. However, I know, for me, it will be at least for another year till I can leave my marriage, IF I leave it. (This is because of the new changes in our children's lives, I need to give them time, before there might be new changes again).

 

I am NOT rushing to be with him. I am just anxious about life with him. I guess, yes, I am "planning" ahead. The thing is, with or without him, I think I would eventually have to leave my marriage. So I am now of course thinking about "with" him.

 

Am I wasting my energy you think then? I must be giving the impression that I am abandoning everything and everyone else for him. No, this is not the case. I am thinking of everyone incl. my hubby too, but obviously, because this is the crucial period for him, so he is now my focus right now.

[2sure]

Yes, of course it was wrong for either of you to become involved. Yet here you are so...

 

Both of your marriages were in trouble before you met each other. First, lets say it right now - why on earth didnt either of you (meaning YOU) do something proactive about saving your marriage instead of finding someone else first? Whew. OK.

 

Look, it sounds like you have made a mistake. Maybe you made a mistake with your marriage too - but you have children and obligations there regardless. Not saying you have to stay married...but this is not the way to rearrange your AND your family's LIFE. You know this.

 

You care about this other man. You feel that the relationship with you has if not caused, then at least expedited or facilitated his leaving his family.

This is something you simply cannot take on.

 

It is possible this wrong can not be made right...but seriously, how many people do you want to take down with you? And your heart is not in it, even I can tell from your post that you do not like where any of this has gone.

 

If there is any remote chance this man might consider reconciling with his wife if he didnt have you...you need to tell him how you feel. If you are not going to leave your marriage or better yet...want to repair your marriage...you have to stop all contact with other man as a first baby step.

 

You can do it!! Keep posting.

[lkjh]

According to him its his first time cheating. Also, you can not use your children as an excuse for not divorcing when what you are doing will affect them 10 times worst. If your children find out it will destroy their vision of relationships. You are suppose to be a role model. Also, go through these threads and read how many people have been in your situation and you will see that a lot of times the OM/OW do not leave.

[Married One]

yes, i totally agree his timing is OFF. but, it's because he's been waiting for a looong time to leave, and now, as soon as the less abled child is now "settled", he is going ahead with the separation (and NOT quite divorce).

 

I know I don't enjoy cheating on a marriage either. So I know, the next person would be me, to have address my life. I have 3 options :

 

1. Stay married (whether I like it or not, just have to TRY and make do, IF I can!)

 

2. Stay married and continue affair until children older

 

3. Leave marriage, stay single for at least a while, then, maybe get together with him (though, honestly speaking, I might find it hard not to run to him!)

 

Maybe somebody can advise or share some insights out there.

 

Your situation sounds less severe ... though, I think, yes, it's harder for a single woman, waiting for don't know when ....

[Married One]

I am very grateful for your post. It does help me put things into perspective. you are right about the children part. That is also why I do need to address my own life, as soon as possible (ie. as soon as the children have had a year to get settled in their new school setting this year ... I just cannot possibly subject them to so much all at the same time).

 

I refuse to think that I am using them as an excuse, at least not for the last 17 years. My husband knew, and still knows that I am unhappy. I had indicated I wanted to leave more than once, he refused, he threatened to take full custody of both children, and asked me to go by myself. That is the cruelest thing any husband can say to a woman that he vowed to take care of. I wanted to leave because of irreconcillable differences, NOT because of any fault of mine, and I did not accuse him of any fault/reason either. And yes, now, I know I am making a big mistake which will hurt a few people. And I do intend to see that I will not continue this for long.

[Curmudgeon]

And both of us resorted to "cheating" because we want to wait out for a better time for the children.

 

Explain to your children that you've been entwined in an affair and you've done it for them. Have him do the same.

 

Somehow I don't think that will resonate with them either now or anytime in the future. There is never a "better time" or a "better reason" to cheat from a child's perspective. Also, staying for the children ultimately does them more of a disservice than making a clean break from your spouse. Children learn what they live and the lessons yours are going to be receiving won't be beneficial.

[Married One]

i had tried first in my own marriage. My husband rejected me first. He also disallowed any chance of repair, or walking out on my part. He threatened to keep the children, though he welcomed me to walk out later. So then, I basically lost faith and love for him. That was when I decided, while the kids are still young, I looked outward. If you are in my position, you welcome this other wonderful man into your life, literally! This is how it could've happened. For his part, he's had to wait for his child to be ready, like right now.

[Married One]

Thank you. some of the posts like yours tonight really gave it to me like it is! And that is good. I admit to my mistake, totally. which is probably why I am not 100% happy like I should be, even though, I like this man a lot.

 

I am grateful for your reminders (about how the children would feel). That is why, I know, as soon as possible, I NEED to do something, somethign different, with my life. soon.

[Married One]

I am very grateful for all of you who have written, including those who were "against" me. You all really help me put things into perspective, even though, I think, because I am unable to provide you with all the details of my/our lives, your view about my situation would remain biased. Just as I had been against all those involved in extramarital affairs before. Which is why, now, sadly, I am "happy" he is separating, for I know then that at least ONE of us is going ahead first to "arrange" things more properly.

 

Thank you to those of you for being patient anyway with me, even though youmay be against me or appalled at me. I guess, regardless of positive or negative posts, you have all helped me from being feeling so alone.

[Married One]

Also, I'm sorry as I am brand new on this site, I may be a little slow in responding as I am still trying to familarise myself with the "mechanics" of using this site as quickly as possible ... thanks for your patience and understanding!

[whichwayisup]

That is the cruelest thing any husband can say to a woman that he vowed to take care of.

 

But don't you think what you're doing behind your husbands back, having an affair with another (married) man is just as cruel? You said vows too and broke them. Sorry to be harsh, but it seems you don't want to be the bad guy in your own marriage, yet you have no problem involving another person IN your marriage (the MM) which isn't and hasn't helped.

 

Divorce because you're unhappy, the marriage isnt' working out, Marriage Counselling didn't work, you tried your best but getting a D is the only answer...Leaving because you "think" you may end up with this other guy IF he actually divorces isn't the right way either.

 

I wanted to leave because of irreconcillable differences, NOT because of any fault of mine, and I did not accuse him of any fault/reason either. And yes, now, I know I am making a big mistake which will hurt a few people. And I do intend to see that I will not continue this for long.

 

Unfortunately the affair you've had does affect this. Big time.

[2sure]

Married One - I understand each person's circumstances are unique, and that we cannot possibly get a full look here.

 

But, something is strange here. You sound bright , thoughtful, sincere, and articulate.

 

You must know that right or wrong, in this day and age, women who divorce almost ALWAYS get custody of their children.

 

Unless you have been recently institutionalized, imprisoned, convicted of serious drug charges or child abuse/neglect...he will not get your kids.

Many, many stay at home moms divorce and their lack of past income is not a part of the custody issue.

 

I am in the US - infidelity is not considered in divorce/custody...Possibly in your court it is considered for divorce, but not custody.

 

So - does your husband have some other means of control?

[Married One]

I re-read your post, and you really do make sense. That is, with the limited information that you have gathered from what I had managed to write only so far.

 

I should stress though, from day 1 until right now, the man has emphasised with or without me, he WILL leave the marriage. Of course, I was not with him IN his marriage throughout the marriage, so I can't say what's what about it. But, according to him, (and it should be understood that I believe him, the fact that I am with him!), he had already tried all he could. In fact, during the separation process right now, he already told me the wife's first reaction about his wish for separation now is that she admits she had been horrible to him. So much that, she did not even get round to asking him if there was anyone else in his life. This question had in fact been the worry for both of us. This should then go to show that our getting together is really secondary to the main cause of his marriage ending now.

 

As for how the children will take it, I think, both of us are wise enough to agree that the children will NOT get to know about us, (or at least we wil try to be discreet as long and as much as we can be). They will only get to know about us when BOTH of us are officially separated from our spouses first.

 

Therefore, this does mean for me, between the two of us, I would be the next person to take that next step, after he finalises his separation now.

 

What is MY next step? Either I stay in my marriage and have nothing more to do with him, or, I leave my marriage first, and would only officially announce my relationship with him when my departure from the marriage is official. And yes, the latter may mean that we may have to sneak around for as long as it takes for ME to end my marriage. This is one of my biggest worries, for I think, it may be, as hard as I think it wil be for me, I might have to break it off with him altogether first (right now, I wonder how this could be doable ...for we have been so supportive to each other!) And then, if we still have the fate, the two of us will then come together again ...

[Married One]

thank you very much, 2sure. Yes, that's it, our marriage place is in Asia, where they favour the husbands. And yes, my husband has the means.

 

I am so grateful to you for your advice/post, yours is probably closest to some therapy I am getting now.

 

Incidentally, no, I do not have any problems (until now I suppose, if my adultery gets exposed!), but only that I had been a fulltime mum, and my husband had been the only breadwinner for a while. This is also the gist of the whole problem, and in the first place, contributes hugely to the problems in the marriage. There had never been any "equality" in the marriage.

 

I had been weak and lost all confidence in myself over the years, (which is probably what got me down - the fact that I could've been in this marriage coming out this way, though I admit one can never blame anyone else, I do think this marriage gave me no room). Thankfully, today, I feel much stronger and confident (even over the question of custody). And because of the fact that the children are today older (that they were), I only feel increasingly ready now also to walk out.

[2sure]

Gotcha. You are one of the few people who can honestly say you have to stay because you could lose you kids. As a mother, I have to say that I would have to keep my daughter with me - at all costs.

 

But then you have to ask...how good for them can it be to live within a bad marriage? Especially daughters. You are right , they are nearing an age when it would be more possible for them to have their own voice, to still benefit even if they didn't spend every night with you.

 

It does seem though that you risk quite a lot, from your husband, if he had any small inkling you left for another man.

 

It is easy and natural to feel you are in love with someone, almost anyone, who makes you happy after you have spent somuch time unhappy. Its also probably easy and natural to run right to a "rebound" relatiionship. Most people do.

 

You want to leave. But you want to stay for your girls. You deserve some happiness. And you do not sound completely unconfident!

 

Still, I would have to admit: I'm stumped

[jaffas]

I hate to go all dr phil on you, but you have a responsibility here that's beyond yourself. it's to your daughters. can you seriously say that if you divorce and you and this bloke end up together you think your daughters will be happy to have a replacement father figure in their lives so soon?

 

your daughters will be finding it difficult enough to cope if you divroce as at is, let alone having to deal with someone new in their lives. do you want your daughters to end up resenting you?

 

do not stay in this marriage. do not get divorced because you want to be with this other man. you should only get divorced because your relationship with your husband has irrevocably broken down.

 

the decision should be made independent of the possibilities in the wings with any third parties.

[lkjh]

Im sorry if you think I am against you but I just don't see it your way. I really do not think this guy is going to leave his wife no matter what he tells you. This may shock you but us guys will say things to girls in order to score. Also, you really can not play the victim card; you are the one cheating. Yes even if one time in an argument he said something to hurt you. You are a grown person and you know what is right and wrong. just imagine whats going to happen when you two are caught. How are your kids going to look at you?