datingmum Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I am posting this with a smile on my face. I feel exhilarated. I've just 'stepped into my power'. (pass me the sick bucket ) For anyone who wants to know what I'm blethering on about, you can read my old posts. But the basic story is: Me strong, vibrant, funny, sexy independent woman with two young daughters Past life: childhood abuse, abandonment, divorced high school sweetheart for being generally waaaay to selfish and unadaptable) Strengths: a very wonderful mother, always the girl to have in your corner - fiercely loyal, intelligent and sensitive and artistic, hot Weakness: Irrational jealousy, 'moody' rather than communicative in past, fear of abandoment, unhealed trauma Opportunities: working on the above, capable of holding down my own life, proven ability to stick it out and stick up for what I believe in, amazing career journey, a beautiful family to join Threats: my love may not be able to see past weaknesses to the opportunities Him witty, strong, gorgeous, powerful, dynamic man (past life: child of a marriage where there was a long time affair that led to dramatic and painful consequences, serial monogomist, self declared commitmentphobe - and when I say this, I mean properly, like twitches, sweats and crazy behaviour) Strengths: very loving and doting on his family - but a nice healthy balance, not tooo much, deep and intelligent, sexy as hell, artistic Weakness: um, did you read above? Add prevarication, vacillation under pressure, low self-esteem, tendency to shut down and project when under fire Opportunities: mostly open to self-improvement/therapy/healing/thinking, very erudite and when in calmer reflective moments is able to discern the true nature of things, loyal to his family, thinks marriage is a very, very serious thing Threats: May not be 'ready' or strong enough to grow as quick as I need him to, is perfectly capable of finding someone else, I won't stay on the market for long History Initial meeting: we were neighbours Early days: he talked about all this stuff and was an absolutely perfect partner Mid range: I buy my own house, he moves in, he started showing all the signs of his disfunction, and I, mine - the perfect yin and yang of 'issues', I kick him out, we then miss one another and try to rebuild, he proposes End: we are engaged,but issues are hugely heightened, all friction becomes 'do or die', we are literally fighting for our survival. He leaves Last 2 years + now: I have alternated between 'try it his way' i.e. living apart but dating, seeking help for my stuff and making great progress, all positive stuff for varying lengths and degrees of time. In the end, each time I approach the whole 'where is this going' subject, the avoidant behaviours start, my nagging, jealousy and insecurities come to the fore. He starts freaking out, begins to sabotage us, says loads of outrageous things in arguments, we break up. Repeat. Times 15. Seriously. Then, my whole life starts to suffer and eventually, I get mad. Lately, as it's been such a long, long time (nearly two years), I have well and truly flipped my lid in anger & really given him hell when this happens. I won't go into details, but let's just say, if he went to get a restraining order, he'd not have alot of difficulty proving his case. Phone harrassment. I threw something once. Pushing and shoving etc. Anyway, I understand that the bad behaviour was very much W-R-O-N-G and I am not doing this anymore. But let me just point out, he had alot of bad behaviour of his own that he brought to the table under duress, stuff that neither of us really knew existed in ourselves. The point is, I've been learning about that anger and where it all comes from (my past alot too) and have begun to channel it into positive means. I've made a turning point. I have moved from the 'what's wrong with me, i'm so terrible' nearly suicidal place that I was before, the place that drove me to allow my anger to explode, to do stupid and damaging things - all the antithesis of what I truly desire in my life and what I want or truly feel for my partner. I am now standing here, knowing, I'm good, I'm great, I'm mediocre, I'm terrible. I'm just me. And a 'me' that is willing and keen to learn, grow, and has loads to offer. So, we have total NC for about 5 days, a biggie for us-though most contact during these 'break ups' is fighting - and I've had some time to reflect. Big Issue: He wants to move in together again, I want to be engaged again. *Note: 4 year relationship He purposefully bumped into me today and was badgering me for a deep response in a public place. I was unprepared and there was too much to say. So I told him if he wanted to know my thoughts, I'd email, but only if he asked me to. Which he did. This is what I wrote: You want to know how I feel? I have been a terrible, abusive, horrible person with you the last few weeks, and a few times in the past year. It's been really terrible and hard on you (and me, and us) and it's so far from the Susy that I know of myself, it's scary. But I won't take all the credit, eh? To be fair, you did **** things up quite a bit yourself and made it harder on us both too. Most people would be pretty damn coiled at the moment in this situation. My general, and probably unwelcome, but 'what the hell', understandings: My timescales - they were an attempt to quell fear. I don't want fear to rule me. It only comes back to you, doesn't it? My maps - I've just wanted it to be done, to get away from the pain and uncertainty (because it makes me someone I do not like!). Essentially, I'm risk averse in this area - but hey, it's not surprising or uncourageous. From another perspective one might see it at strength of character - an adventurer never sets out without a map and a purpose, it's just that often it becomes an odyssey and all the cool **** happens off the planned route. My threats - a scary 'american' response, a tantrumming toddler with nuclear weapons. A child that needs its ass whooped. I'm just trying to find myself in the world, my limits, my boundaries, my impact and I'm not too proud to get professional help with that. In fact, I bloody welcome it. The ways I've turned out were not my doing but the way I choose to be now is. My criticisms of you and effort to 'fix' you - an attempt to divert myself from dealing with my own problems - what I needed to be focusing on was making myself happy and trusting my own self and ideas, feelings and intuitions more. Which is to say, I needed to stop giving a **** what you thought about what I think so much and just live my life in a way that makes me happy and hopefully share that with someone receptive enough to understand and appreciate it. Mathematics of love If these assumptions are true: effort exerted x energy x feeling = perceived value of outcome,love Then the following is true: If energy < perceived value of outcome,love = 0 If effort put in is > perceived value of outcome,love =0 Also, if any of the particular values of the equation happen to be 0, then perceived value of outcome is 0. Note: this is a floating equation, thus values will change with the exertion of outside variables. Our abilities to "cope" - Given the amount of time and energy we've put into fighting over 'labels' for our relationship, directions, coupled with the behaviours we both have exhibited alot, there is no question as to why you are considering whether you are strong enough to put up a fight for your own needs in future and to wonder whether, if those needs change, you will, literally, survive the encounter. Can totally see how you would extrapolate that onto every 'big' decision in our life, and you're right, unless we can learn to change the way we engage, life will be equivalent hell. I feel the same from a different perspective. I am just plain tired of fighting for what we both want on my own, against an irrational rebellious reaction that's a result of your unhealed problems that you refuse to acknowledge or work on. I'm tired of having to ask for things I want in this life, the simple things like: flowers letters planning for the future, being a loving influence for my girls - ALL THE TIME, not just when you feel happy with me or sorry for them having a life that exists outside of television and pub quizzes with your (lovely and cool) mates – and no, that comment is not about you NOT having those things, but about having MORE than those things surprise ideas and input FROM YOU that shows and reassures me that you are excited by us a happiness and gratefulness for my love and care that naturally spawns a sense of wanting to marry me. You don't appreciate me or you or us. You think I am riddled. You think you are riddled. You are just a neggy-neg-negative person right now and I really don't like it. It drags me to my knees, the accounting and justification. I am worn down from the scrutiny of my 'suitability'. I get what your fears are, I get why you have them, but seriously, this is not meant to anger you, grow up. You know what you feel in your heart - that I am the one, the only one, and that it is not only possible for us to make it work, but inevitable - and you are just being a bastard about it now. Again, grow up. These character traits, these inabilities to: naturally give me what makes me happy simply because it's important to ME and because making me happy will make you happy (that's the point of a ****ing relationship Martin- not a bad thing, not a thing to be shunned as being detrimental to your own development, but give and take) and to be so bloody stubborn in your ways just because you don't want to be 'pushed'/pride (HELLO, THEN JUMP MOTHER ****ER) make me INCREDIBLY wary of you and your character & make me unsure as to not only whether we'll 'work', but whether I WANT it to move forward with you. I understand that you have valid concerns about the way we deal with conflict. So do I. But I have traditionally been very certain that we were individually and together, capable of learning different strategies because our connection was so strong. Now I am doubting our respective abilities and our connection. The only way I'm ever going to believe you have it in you, that you are strong, stable, dynamic, exciting and secure enough to be MY husband, is if you: a) ask me to be your wife and trust me to work together to build a happy, secure life (and by that I mean, trust me to be able to tell me things that bother you without me blowing up because you and I can communicate) & b) then act on said wishes up until such time we have designated to actually marry. No repeats. No get engaged and have to walk on eggshells because every stupid little normal friction turns into your control games wherein you whine "i pushed you into it, or the classic - I don't know if I want to live this life "- whilst in MY HOUSE, in MY LIFE, around MY CHILDREN - whom you KNEW I wanted to protect from all of this from the get go. Look, lots of folks will back you up. Even most of my friends. Many people would say "You'd be crazy to want to get engaged in the middle of this." "Susy does have a big problem with jealousy" "You get engaged when you're happy and you know" "Susy is obsessed with engagement" "Susy has unhealed problems and fears of abandonment that lead her to obsess about commitment - and I'm paraphrasing the therapist here" "Two people should be happy and in love and see little birds floating round their ****ing heads while a symphomy of cupids dance in the ether around them". I've finally come to a conclusion on that. **** THEM. Not one of those ****ing people (INCLUDING the therapist whom, by the way, has 'commitment issues' and will of course empathise to justify her own stuckness) have EVER been married or even been properly engaged. Only Roger. And what did Roger tell you when you asked him the first time? JUST ****ING JUMP. Furthermore, not a single damn one of them have been right here in the middle of us, seeing how it really shakes down. I know and you know how it's really been, who's done what to whom and why. So don't go blaming my makeup or the "way we interact" as the reason that it didn't work the first time anymore, or more importantly, because you were 'pushed' when you and I both know I was resigned and capable of walking away and simply wanted to shut down the 'hanging out' bs because it was unhealthy for me. That's right - FOR ME. I didn't push. You came running. That's the point. The fact you'd even suggest something like that now upsets me. (In fact, I am angry and upset with myself when I think of how long it took me to see the patterning of it all and how much time and energy I've wasted beating myself up, trying to be 'right' for you, worrying about what YOU thought of me, my issues and on and on. Some of that stuff was/is valid and I've acknowledged those bits and seriously committed to working on them. ****ing worry about your own self already! This is not a put down, but a wake up call. I am strong. I am healthy in most ways. I am not tortured by self-doubt and anxiety. I am generally a very easy going, fun, exciting, strong, talented incredible bitch! And so are you if you'd only snap out of the whole negativity thing all the damn time and stop bitching about your life, your tiredness, etc. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!!!! Pulling the sword from the stone - You're right. I don't have all the answers, or enough 'good behaviour' under my belt to prove anything. To be honest, I don't give a **** to prove myself anymore to someone who can't prove himself to me. I want to change some of my behaviours and controlling ways and reactions. But I don't want to change me and what I believe in regarding this life. To be honest, I guess I thought I'd at least attempt the Malcom-X strategy (by any means necessary) after this last 'commitment drama'. See 'my maps' above. Sometimes, said adventurer will attempt a shortcut. In one circumstance, this will prove to be a false economy, in another, a tremendous advancement in a short period of time. In the following equation: ability to experiment x courage x perception of value of goal x efficiency = the success of the adventurer's odyssey . If any of the above values equal zero, success equals zero. So I guess experimenting with efficiency isn't a crime, per say. I thought, wrongly, that if you just stopped worrying about what ifs and just made the first step, engagement, then you'd get the chance to really feel and see it in action and truly come to believe it. Win win. Though I know what I thought I wanted (and let's say it, I've been w-r-o-n-g in the past), the maths don't add up somehow for either of us at the moment. You see, you want me to extend you a bit of trust and just 'be with you' to build your trust in our relationship. But in getting what you 'think' you need to happily commit (and I've marked that word because I don't believe you've REALLY considered what you are doing), you are forcing me into a position that is painful and uncertain. You'd have me spend yet more time building YOUR trust, while you gather evidence of our 'suitability'. This is unfair and unyielding. Fairness and flexibility are both qualities I expect in my life partner. You don't see it, but you're asking me for waaay more faith, evidence and jumping through hoops at a known and proven risk than I am asking of you. You haven't yet realised that you should extend me a little bit of credit in advance on this trust thing, just like you're asking me to do! I'm not mother****ingtheresa! How much do I need to prove to you? It's just ****ing past the point for me of wanting to give any more! You think I want to get engaged because I'm damaged somehow. I SHARE THE **** ABOUT MY PAST because I trust you to be able to understand what I am saying, NOT to be used against me. You don't get that I'm saying when I am explaining my past: that it's the reasons I have bad reactions, that it's the reason I am so interested and curious to build a happy family. It's an extension of trust in you, that you are clever enough to figure out that this isn't twisted or wrong, that they are real and understandable and normal and HEALTHY concerns. You just don't get it. What you see is: I need you to fix me, I need marriage at all costs, even at the cost of you! You think I love the idea of marriage more than I love you. ****ING WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE BABY! You are no bag of sunshine and I've been crawling on my bloody knees in repentance for a long long while now. No amount of love I give you is ever going to be enough to make you better until YOU LOVE YOU, until you trust yourself to meet my needs and your own, until you help clean up this mess we've made and give yourself the gift of our life together. And I love you despite and because of your 'stuff'. Doesn't mean I don't want you to fix some of it, for yourself! But I trust that you will – which is why I was saying: it's time! I am awesome. So are you. We rock together. If you still don't believe in it, in us, then hallelujah, we've reached some form of ****ing closure (2 ****ING YEARS & A 3 RING CIRCUS LATER, CHRIST WE ARE RETARDS)! As you will note from the last few days, I have NO INTEREST any longer in anger or doing the whole dance with you anymore. You might wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats and realise the real deal. You may realise what's really important when you want to pick up the phone to share something and I'm not there. Perhaps it will dawn on you when you're sitting around your house at Christmas with your relatives and THEIR families, but without your own, the ones who really love and adore and need you. Maybe then you just might realise that this isn't a ****ing joke, or 'one of many relationships we might have, that we will learn from and grow' as you like to say to me all the time. What you have been given is a gift to be cherished, a cause to fight for, and a reason to be courageous in the face of a thousand fears. Because it feeds you! It makes you happier and stronger and fulfilled enough to go out and grab a lot of other things for yourself that will make you happy. It is a bedrock, a foundation on which to build a life. If you come to that realisation, then you know where I live and if you're real quick and most importantly, I BELIEVE YOU and I feel happy and loved in the actual situation, you just might catch me. Maybe. Imagine if you find this out down the road when you're lying awake, with nervous anxiety, beside a sleeping, amenable, less pushy, nice on - then you really are ****ed! You call this an ultimatum. I call it reality. Tomatoe, tomahto. I want to be happy. I'd love to do that with you if you're the right guy for me. You've said it yourself, people change. You were the right one for me, but not so much now looking at your current stance. Sign on the entrance of the Darwin exhibition at the Natural History Museum: "If you had an idea that you knew would change the way we perceive the world but would create untold backlash, would you keep quiet about it?" Big lessons for me: 1. Judge a man's character by the way he conducts his affairs, not by the way he speaks of them 2. One man's trash is another man's treasure 3. Don't waste your time banging your head against a wall for too long. You will only be angry with yourself for the bruises. 4. Trust what you believe in. The universe is abundant and benevolent. Go lightly, and remember to separate the person and their essence from their behaviours. The former is engraved in the stars, the latter results from nurture/experience and can be altered. P.S. If you do have some epiphany, please don't **** up and give me the first ring. I want that as my wedding band, it symbolises alot to me, and the whole thing won't be complete until we're actually married. It will symbolise the strife and strain we went through in finding ourselves individually so that we could truly be together and share ourselves. As it is an 'eternity ring' actually, it will symbolize the continual need for finding ourselves and growing – for eternity. (And even then, I'm going to have to deal with your prevaricating ass, but by then, I'll know you're capable of growth and integrity. So just reward me for being such a good girl and a saint in advance, please. You'll get your just desserts.) If this thing ever works out, I have vowed to post the whole series of exchanges. Perhaps they bore or annoy you, but perhaps they will be useful to some.
Author datingmum Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 I emailed above at midnight on Wed/Thurs. At 8.40 I got the following reply (he's on a business trip - back now). Ok, thanks for the email, its very frank and to the point and I appreciate your honesty. I don't have a lot of time to respond today as you can appreciate,, but I will make time when I get back. Please believe me though, when I say I don't want a prolonged limbo period any more than you do. I responded with: Hey, that's cool. Hope all is well and meetings are all good. Didn't think you'd have time to even read it to be honest, so don't worry. I don't really want or expect a written response to this. If you feel you have to, or have something to say that hasn't been said, then great. But more of the same is only going to wind me up and set me back. I hope you understand that. I would appreciate it if we could work out a simple and expedient way to handle our affairs in the eventuality that we are at an impasse (i.e. I have some stuff still I think at yours, can't find a blanket I brought there, some Christmas lights I brought over last year - both things I use for the tree; and things like the girls photos off the computer/camera). It's a simple thing and I'm sure you can just drop things off/etc. I'm sorry to have been so blunt, but I needed to tell the truth for me as I've come to understand it lately. I'm not the judge of how things really are, but of how they are for me. I miss you terribly. Predictions anyone?
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