SoulSearch_CO Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I think it has a whole lot to do with the delivery. If somebody gave me THAT ultimatum (change or I leave), I'd say goodbye. If it was more along the lines of them wanting to build on the relationship and work with me on something, I'd be open to it. It would depend on what was more important to me - the personality quirk or the person.
fral945 Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Yes, I would be willing to change. I have certain requirements for the basics (food, sleep, and sex) that are non-negotiable. Beyond that I have strong beliefs that would be hard to change without major evidence to prove to me otherwise. Then everything else. I am willing to listen and willing to change, at least to some degree on most things. Biggest change I've resisted is that I've been pressured more than once by women to become more religious or going to church (I'm agnostic). That will not change. I tell women I am a doubter and indifferent toward religion in general. I'll go to church with you if you like but I'm there because you want me to be there. Generally, I try to avoid these type of relationships because that seems to be non-negotiable to them, but I have come to realize that it severely limits my dating pool by doing so. Changes I have made in relationships are becoming more sociable (I am an introvert by nature). I actually enjoy being social and going places when I do it, it's just not in my nature to want to go to parties, bars, or clubs very often. I am content often staying at home with a book or playing my guitar. I get tired and feel like I need to recharge if I am constantly doing social activities. That is a change I've made to some degree but I will never be a social butterfly. I can't think of a complete 180 degree change I've done based on a relationship, though. Probably only on minor issues would I be willing to make a 180 degree change. That would include not leaving dirty socks on the floor. But I'm a very neat person and never had that request.
Ariadne Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 If your SO came to you and told you that if a certain thing (something you had always done or been from the day you met) didnt change they would have no choice but to leave you as they cannot put up with it anymore what would you do? I would think right away that my SO really doesn't love me. Unless what I'm doing is very thoughtless to him and it's causing him a lot of grievance. Say, I lock him out every day, I leave for days and don't call him, I burn all of his shirts etc. But if I did all of that that would simply mean that I don't love him and I'm being careless. Would you agree to change or have you in the past and has it worked? I don't change anything. Does a SO have the right to demand that their partner change something that has been there from the day you met? Yes, anyone can demand anything.
MiniMina Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Well I can say that I have changed in the past and it has definitely not worked. In fact, I forced it to work for about 5 years but I realized after we broke up that I was very resentful about having to give up things I loved. It was definitely more on the controlling side, though, so I don't think it's exactly the situation you were looking for. On the flip side, though, I am currently debating the fairness of me asking my current boyfriend to keep performing as a hobby instead of trying to make it a career because I want some type of security in my life. I don't know if this is fair, but I have to be honest about the things I want...
CommitmentPhobe Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I'd just never get into a relationship with someone like that.
D-Jam Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I can only say that I'd weigh how much changing this would matter to me. So let's say she asked me to sell all my DJ/audio stuff, and never touch anything like it again. I'd tell her no. It's not like I'm wasting loads of money on it, or time...it's just a hobby. If it was something minor that didn't matter to me, then I'd probably do it for her. I can understand changing little things if it isn't a big deal, but changing something deep and meaningful of who you are...that no one can ask for. In that case the person asking should instead find a mate who fits what they want or learn to deal with whatever it is that sets him/her off.
Trialbyfire Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 It sounds like most people are willing to and want change from their partners, as long as it's to a reasonable degree. With two individuals who have different methodologies in life, even down to where you put the can opener, there has to be some compromise, in order to be together. 100% acceptance and compatibility appears to be unrealistic, unless one party bends over backwards for the other party, or one party isn't a very formed individual. That seems like a consumption of person, rather than wanting to coexist. I think you can relate this to friendships, to a degree. If one friend requires courtesy or distance, you can either compromise to make both reasonably satisfied, or just not bother.
berrieh Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I think that a relationship, as it goes on, is an evolution of two people, so I suppose I would change for a particular man, in some particular instances...but a flat-out demand on his part would not be the way to get me to do it. Some of whether I would or wouldn't would depend on how he went about asking and framing his case, as well as the reasoning behind his feelings and wish for me to change. If it was an external thing, then, yes, I might change. If I felt what he really wanted to change was the internal thing that made me feel that external thing was intrinsic to me, then I would be wary. If the change was for superficial reasons on his part, I would be wary. However, I would be thankful to have a SO who was trying to lovingly nudge me towards being better, stronger, and more evolved as a person in a non-controlling way, someone who could help me become more myself through change, rather than less myself. That does happen, and I've seen others change each other for the better as well. A lot of that depends upon the 'intent' behind the request, rather than what the request is---is it about control, convenince/superficiality, selfishness, or is it a recognition that something just isn't working for the evolution of the relationship and perhaps the evolution of both people in it? Ok say he said that he cannot abide it when you go out with your friends (and had a very valid reason from his point of view) ... Would you stop? I might go out with my friends less if my going-out was bothering my partner. If I had friends he could make a case were destructive for me, I might begin phasing them out or addressing that. If he had an issue with a particular place I went or a particular habit (i.e. we were living together, and he didn't like me coming in after 3am all the time), I would consider it. But I'd never drop my friends entirely for a guy, and I do need some girl time to myself. That would make my life too much about my relationship, because I would lose a lot of friends outside of it. What about if he asked you to stop wearing a type of clothing that you loved and that made you who you were? would you throw the clothes away? No clothing makes me who I am. So, it would depend on what it was. I dress really preppie, so I cannot imagine what he'd have a problem with. I did have one guy try to get me to wear heels more (I wear a lot of flats--but they're cute flats and I always get compliments) and that didn't fly with me. He wanted me to be arm-candy. I hate being arm-candy, so that was a no-no. I hate superficial guys (ironically, I attract them), so this would probably be a no. Say he wanted you to change your job or stop your hobby My current job, if he would find me a new one I liked, I'd quit. But it's just a job. The career I'm training for? That'd be a dealbreaker. It's also my passion, and I am getting my Masters and will later get my PhD. If he wasn't into it, he couldn't be into me. If he could make a case where a hobby were dangerous or harmful to me, I might stop. I actually came up against this with a few men, because I collect Tarot cards, which is kind of a controversial hobby. I'm not giving my cards away for a guy, but that's more because I don't like closed-minded people than because of the hobby being a part of who I am. Being open-minded and interested in the Universe and alternative means to understand it (beyond the Judeo-Christian) is a part of who I am, though, so if he didn't like that underlying belief, we'd have problems. See, how it's the underlying beliefs that are the issue? He wants you to grow your hair but you love it short Not gonna happen. Again, this falls into the "I hate superficial guys" category. If he's into me, he'd like me with short or long hair. Though I might grow my hair long for a time on request for a serious boyfriend, if it made him happy (I like making people I like happy )...but if it was a dealbreaker to him, he wouldn't be the guy for me. I am talking about things you do not want to change but he has a very valid reason for hating it and if you dont change it you will lose him How can one have a "very valid" reason for wanting you to grow your hair, for example? A "very valid" reason is worth listening to, in general, IMO. So, if he had a very valid reason, there's a good chance I might change, unless that "very valid" reason showed an underlying incompatibility between us---i.e. my Fundamentalist Christian ex-boyfriend thought he had a very valid reason for wanting me to throw away my Tarot decks and all my metaphysical and Kabbalah books. But I had a very valid reason for saying he and I didn't belong together... we believe fundamentally different things that would never be resolved. Ok, better example Say you had always gone skiing, you loved it with a passion and you had been every weekend since you were 16. Then your SO's friend died in a ski accident and your SO asked you to stop doing it as every time you go out, he thinks you are going to die too and it was such a bad feeling that if you did not stop he would have to leave as he could not handle the anxiety Would you give it up? That, I probably would. I would hate to cause anyone I loved fear and anxiety, and that sounds like a fear I could understand.
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