Lishy Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I was reading another thread and it got me to thinking ...... If your SO came to you and told you that if a certain thing (something you had always done or been from the day you met) didnt change they would have no choice but to leave you as they cannot put up with it anymore what would you do? I am not talking about asking a SO to lose the 50lb they have put on in a year or anything that has changed I am talking about a basic part of that persons personality, life choices or something that you did not want to change as you did not see it as a problem. Would you agree to change or have you in the past and has it worked? Does a SO have the right to demand that their partner change something that has been there from the day you met?
Geishawhelk Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Well, I'm guessing every situation is different, so my reply is completely general. If it's a deal-breaker, and something relatively easy for me to address, 'rectify', amend and deal with, then I think if it's important to him - and ultimately, it follows, to my long-term happiness - then yes, I'd look at it. But I'd have to discuss it and find out why it bothers him so much, and why something non-life threatening is such an issue for him. I wouldn't just make an effort and change, simply because it's something he happens to want. It would take clarification and reasonable justification. It's hard to think of a 'f'rinstance'....
Author Lishy Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Ok say he said that he cannot abide it when you go out with your friends (and had a very valid reason from his point of view) ... Would you stop? What about if he asked you to stop wearing a type of clothing that you loved and that made you who you were? would you throw the clothes away? Say he wanted you to change your job or stop your hobby He wants you to grow your hair but you love it short I am talking about things you do not want to change but he has a very valid reason for hating it and if you dont change it you will lose him
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 No, I would never change for anyone else. If an SO came to me and told me something was unacceptable, I would analyze it to see if it was a reasonable need, and if I agreed, I would either change for myself or leave it "as is". In leaving it "as is", it would mean that my SO would then need to do whatever they needed to do. People have to be careful about change. Your strengths are your weaknesses. Weigh the two and decide.
Geishawhelk Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 If I lose him over one of those things, he's worth losing. That's trivia. That's not a deal-breaker, that's controlling. On his part. Anyone who tells me he'd leave me if I don't grow my hair, can get his coat now.
Author Lishy Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 GW I am not talking about controlling I am talking about things that have become a deal breaker for one and the other will not improve their life by changing I just said those above reasons as example of something that has always been there but one decides they cant put up with it anymore
blind_otter Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 What about if he asked you to stop wearing a type of clothing that you loved and that made you who you were? would you throw the clothes away? I actually did this. I used to dress in a very provocative manner, lots of low cut tops, tight pants, short skirts, running around without a bra. I was very flirtatious and being overtly sexy was something that I considered to be part of my personality. I was flirty. I got quite a lot of attention from men, and I felt like that was a fun, positive thing. This lasted through all of my previous relationships. I guess it was a legacy of my waitressing experience. When I got serious with my S/O, he wanted me to stop wearing the slutty clothes. Put on a bra. That kind of thing. At first I resisted, but then one day his son (who was 8 at the time) was standing behind me and said, out of the blue, "Your skirt's too short." For the first time, I felt embarrassed. I tugged my skirt down. It was a process, but I slowly eradicated most of the sluttier items in my wardrobe. And at this point, I can't go bra-less anymore. My B cup has bloomed to a D cup. I dress in a more age appropriate manner. I still have attractive clothes, I just don't advertise like I used to. I actually feel a whole lot better about myself now. I am happier with who I am and more confident, but I no longer seek attention from men in that kind of manner.
Author Lishy Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Ok, better example Say you had always gone skiing, you loved it with a passion and you had been every weekend since you were 16. Then your SO's friend died in a ski accident and your SO asked you to stop doing it as every time you go out, he thinks you are going to die too and it was such a bad feeling that if you did not stop he would have to leave as he could not handle the anxiety Would you give it up?
Woggle Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Never. I am who I am and she needs to accept that. Luckily she does but if she didn't I still would not change.
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Ok, better example Say you had always gone skiing, you loved it with a passion and you had been every weekend since you were 16. Then your SO's friend died in a ski accident and your SO asked you to stop doing it as every time you go out, he thinks you are going to die too and it was such a bad feeling that if you did not stop he would have to leave as he could not handle the anxiety Would you give it up? No and I'd never ask anyone to give it up either. My ex-H loved extreme sports, particularly extreme skiing. I tried it a few times and found the risk wasn't worth the return but never stopped him. I would keep busy with other things so I wouldn't have to worry about him.
Lizzie60 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Well.. that would depend what it is he wants me to change.. and I would have to be really madly in love with him to change..
You'reasian Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Ok, better example Say you had always gone skiing, you loved it with a passion and you had been every weekend since you were 16. Then your SO's friend died in a ski accident and your SO asked you to stop doing it as every time you go out, he thinks you are going to die too and it was such a bad feeling that if you did not stop he would have to leave as he could not handle the anxiety Would you give it up? I would never ask a SO of mine to give up such a cool, fun and athletic hobby.
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Does a SO have the right to demand that their partner change something that has been there from the day you met? Something came to mind that has made me rethink this a bit. I have asked for change from people. To me they seemed like minor changes but to be fair, maybe they weren't. It would be hypocritical for me to say I've never done this.
Author Lishy Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 What have you asked people to change and how has it turned out?
Trialbyfire Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 One change was leaving socks laying around and not putting them in the laundry basket. After a couple of times and no improvement, I put them on his pillow. He never forgot again.
Author Lishy Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 One change was leaving socks laying around and not putting them in the laundry basket. After a couple of times and no improvement, I put them on his pillow. He never forgot again. Hahhahah good one!!
PrincessPeach Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I wouldn't change unless the change was at least partially for myself. I wouldn't expect anything different from anyone else. You shouldn't get into something serious expecting a certain part of someone else to change. Likewise you shouldn't get into a relationship with someone expecting them to always stay the same. If there is something he was never able to stand that he just let build up for a long time until he "just couldn't take it anymore" then it's his own fault if I'm not willing to change. If it was that important to him he should have addressed it sooner.
PrincessPeach Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 As with the socks thing... that's a reasonable change. The change is along the lines of self improvement. Someone's too lazy to pick up their sox and put them where they belong, then they are bettering themselves by being less lazy. You may like being lazy, but it doesn't make you "who you are" and if you think it does than part of "who you are" is also stupid (which unfortunately is less likely to change). It's hard to make the arguement that eliminating laziness is not personal improvement. The same thing with the slutty clothes example. She thought that it was part of who she was, but when she changed she realized that the change was better for herself. But even with self improvement, not everyone is going to see it that way or be willing/able to make the change.
Trialbyfire Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Hahhahah good one!! Would this be classified as passive-aggressive or just plain aggressive behaviour? I guess it depends on how much of a neat-freak you are, if you consider this positive behavioural change or just a need to control. I can't live in a messy environment so I sort of forced change on my ex-H by removing it from our mutual living space to his personal living space. Overall, he was pretty neat himself so this wasn't a big issue.
pandagirl Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Little things like picking up your dirty clothes, not picking your nose, calling if you're going to be late, etc. -- these are things that people can do and should do to please their partner. But, I think asking to change aspects of an individual's personality and essence is completely wrong. Asking a person to give-up something they love is horrible. True love is accepting a person for who they are. Plus, I don't think people really change anyway. There should be compromises and an awareness of trying to make things work better, but if someone asked me to change WHO I WAS -- asking me to tone down my sense of humor or dress a different way -- I don't think the guy would be the right guy for me.
2sure Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Wow...when I read this, I was thinking that NO, I would not change anything that was an important part of my life.... But I did. Prior to meeting my H, I was becoming an avid white water rafter and kayaker- I had been doing it for years but had started doing more challenging kayak runs. There was an accident and I was severely injured, the rest of the group nearly drowned. All before I met him. I kayaked after the accident. But when H learned of the extent of my hobby and watched some videos ...he said if we got married, I would have to give it up. He said it was to risky, he would worry himself sick, that we had too much to lose... I said I would slow it down...and we married. You know - I havent done it since and its been 3 years.
Author Lishy Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 So I guess that in principle we say we wont change but if we love the person enough and they have a valid point, we would change things to please them?
Gremio Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 So I guess that in principle we say we wont change but if we love the person enough and they have a valid point, we would change things to please them? Yes, if it's a valid reason. Such as blind otter pointing out earlier about wearing skimpy clothes. That defined her but she changed, and now she is happier for it.
Geishawhelk Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Ok, better example Say you had always gone skiing, you loved it with a passion and you had been every weekend since you were 16. Then your SO's friend died in a ski accident and your SO asked you to stop doing it as every time you go out, he thinks you are going to die too and it was such a bad feeling that if you did not stop he would have to leave as he could not handle the anxiety Would you give it up? Yes. Without question. THis is what I meant when I replied that my assessments were completely generalised. It's so hard to think of specifics, and make them sound reasonable over a post on a forum. Every situation would have different dynamics at play, and every situation would have to be evaluated on circumstance, personality and relevance..... Difficult one Lishy.
Woggle Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 So I guess that in principle we say we wont change but if we love the person enough and they have a valid point, we would change things to please them? I only love women who love me back and if a woman really loves me she will accept me for who I am.
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