berrieh Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 You seem to be forgetting that feelings often override the first, second or even third best way of dealing with something. Otherwise we'd all deal with things like spock, like you're suggesting. I understand that it can hurt to see someone you're dating with others, or to hear about it... But if that's the case, and you knew it would hurt, why not ask for the exclusivity? Especially if you're a man and you can, without looking bad? I've had to express my displeasure with someone seeing others before and tell him I couldn't see him anymore, because I was growing too attached and he was still happily dating others. I expressed it, didn't blame him, and moved on. We wound up dating later; it didn't work out. I've also had guys upset because I was still dating others and they wanted to be exclusive, to which I used the, "Well, why didn't you ask then?" response I posted above. Since girls have a harder time asking for exclusivity - I never have been able to ask and get a "yes" so I've always found waiting better - I find it odd when men get upset about that. It's not so hard; just ask! You make a good point. While I think you can deal with things well, even when emotion is involved, I understand why people don't, including the girl Steeltrain is seeing. But I was responding to Dexter's reflection on a past event...and it seems to be a belief system, not an emotional response. He seemingly expects exclusivity without asking for it. That's weird to me.
CommitmentPhobe Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I understand that it can hurt to see someone you're dating with others, or to hear about it... But if that's the case, and you knew it would hurt, why not ask for the exclusivity? Especially if you're a man and you can, without looking bad? Well, if there's feelings involved on the guys part, pride comes into it if especially if someone just comes along and tells you they're interested in someone else, I mean that's a pretty insensitive way of putting it. I did have a girl do this to me a while back, and I was cool with it. Though by the time she had decided she wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me I had decided that sleeping with her with no ties was preferable. C'est la vie.
berrieh Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Well, if there's feelings involved on the guys part, pride comes into it if especially if someone just comes along and tells you they're interested in someone else, I mean that's a pretty insensitive way of putting it. I did have a girl do this to me a while back, and I was cool with it. Though by the time she had decided she wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me I had decided that sleeping with her with no ties was preferable. C'est la vie. I agree it's pretty insensitive. I've said many times, many ways that this girl was clumsy in her dating form.
Stockalone Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Go ahead and use it Stock. Do me a favour though. Request categoric age group with responses. 15 - 25 25 - 35 35+ Touché! I'll include the age groups.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 That's just it, Dexter. No one is messing around on you if you're not exclusive. Sure, thats true, but someone still reserves the right to be put off by it and decide that isn't the kind of person they want to be with. Thats the whole point. If you can't state you want exclusivity, you're the one messing around with someone else. Cheese and Rice, we are suppose to declare exclusivity or not in a matter of two weeks?? You're in essence, letting them hang themselves on rope that isn't visible. Not everyone thinks and feels the same way you do. Nor does everyone think and feel the same way as you. He can take from everyone's opinion that he wants.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 From what you said, she wasn't in a relationship with you. But she wanted one, I stated the same and that we were both working on it. It was a matter of a few weeks, just like Steelrain. Like I said, she didn't have any strings to me, but she sure as hell went about it the wrong way if she wanted any. Apparantly she did want to be with me, but by messing around with her ex, she proved to me that I wasn't important enough to her. So she was history
Dexter Morgan Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I understand that it can hurt to see someone you're dating with others, or to hear about it... But if that's the case, and you knew it would hurt, why not ask for the exclusivity? So what is an ample timeframe for a new relationship to move into the exclusivity dept.? 2 day? 2 weeks? a month?
Trialbyfire Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Touché! I'll include the age groups. You loaded your question Stock, by adding in one or two dates. This was for a couple of weeks. Sure, thats true, but someone still reserves the right to be put off by it and decide that isn't the kind of person they want to be with. Thats the whole point.Sure and you'll find that these women are few and far between who are serial daters, where they don't keep options open when it's a non-exclusive arrangement. Cheese and Rice, we are suppose to declare exclusivity or not in a matter of two weeks??Methinks you don't like to be cornered into an exclusive arrangement but want the woman to want you exclusively. Something tells me that you're not playing fairly, don't you think? Nor does everyone think and feel the same way as you. He can take from everyone's opinion that he wants.We were talking about your arrangement with the ex, not Steelrain. Of course Steelrain can take whatever advice works for him. That's not my point with your scenario and you know it. Don't misdirect the issue.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Methinks you don't like to be cornered into an exclusive arrangement but want the woman to want you exclusively. Something tells me that you're not playing fairly, don't you think? By taking it slow and not making a rush decision in two weeks, no, I dont' think so.
Trialbyfire Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 By taking it slow and not making a rush decision in two weeks, no, I dont' think so. No, by demanding exclusivity from your partner but not being prepared to verbalize that it's on the table. Why would your partner get rid of her options for something that in her mind, isn't available, since it's never been communicated to her? It's like a woman throwing a tantrum because you can't read her mind and aren't meeting her needs but refusing to tell you what the issue(s) is/are.
Stockalone Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 You loaded your question Stock, by adding in one or two dates. This was for a couple of weeks. Then we had a misunderstanding. I don't think I have raised the stakes. I was already talking about the first couple of dates, which IMO does not equal weeks of dating, in my initial response to your post. I am fairly certain that if we asked what the women on LS think about a guy who drops that or a similar line within the first couple of dates
Trialbyfire Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Then we had a misunderstanding. I was already talking about the first couple of dates, which IMO does not equal weeks of dating, in my initial response to your post. Gotcha'. My apologies. I missed those last three key words.
bubblegum Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 By taking it slow and not making a rush decision in two weeks, no, I dont' think so. Ah, but you did make a rush decision Dexter, by choosing to act on feeling put off by immediately cutting off any chance of furthering your relationship with her. I don't think anyone denies you your right to feel put off by this woman's behavior while you were newly dating. Just as no one intended to deny Steelrain's initial reaction and interpretation of his girl's question about fighting for her. In both of your cases, the question of exclusivity was raised, by your exgirl's behavior, and by Steelrain's girl's words. No one had vocalized the issue of exclusivity before then. Steelrain has chosen to work through his immediate emotional reaction and talk with his girl some more to clarify things. You, however, chose not to, you simply broke it off with her (by not even telling her, btw, but only telling her when she tracked you down after you wouldn't return her call -- that's the passive-aggressiveness addressed earlier in this thread). Your choice is your choice and absolutely your right. However, by breaking it off with her you obviously were demanding exclusivity from the getgo, without even telling her that. I would never assume someone was exclusive with me so early on, that would be arrogant. And if exclusivity was so important to me I would raise the issue when the idea of working towards a true relationship came up.
bubblegum Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 Well don't be too dissappointed when you find someone that you really like and thinks really likes you, then finds out you are playing him if/when he leaves. Any guy with any self-respect won't be played like that. Ha ha When I meet someone and date for a couple weeks, and am into him, as I said, I lose interest in anyone else I'm dating. However, I don't just immediately drop them because I don't think I need the others anymore. I might see them once or twice again to end things maturely and respectfully. That is not called "playing" anyone Dexter, that is called dating in an adult fashion. And if I was dating someone for a couple weeks and realized he assumed I immediately stopped dating anyone else I'd find that presumptuous. If I was dating someone for a couple weeks and I saw that he became angry that I wasn't immediately exclusive with him I'd have learned a valuable piece of info about his character and level of self-esteem. If I was dating someone for a couple weeks and saw that he turned a negative emotional reaction to the idea of my dating another into an opportunity to communicate his values and thoughts of being exlclusive with me, I'd gain respect for him.
Author Steelrain21 Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 So last night the girl and I were at the same party. I started talking with some people and didn't really get a chance to make my why over to talk to her. She left early and sent me a text saying that "I was friendly." Obviously sarcastic. I texted her today because we had talked the other night about her coming over and staying the night. I asked if she still wanted to. She replied back by saying "I don't think I should. Yesterday you couldn't even say hi at the party. You didn't even ask where I went and why." I texted her back saying that I didn't really get a chance to make it over to her and I asked why she left early. She hasn't gotten back to me about that one yet. Is this girl maybe liking me more than she's letting on to or is she just upset because she hasn't been getting the amount of attention lately that she is used to?
berrieh Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 So what is an ample timeframe for a new relationship to move into the exclusivity dept.? 2 day? 2 weeks? a month? I don't think there is a timeframe. It's whenever both partners want to be exclusive. I do think that if you expect exclusivity, then you should ask for it... not be upset in retrospect that you didn't get it when the other partner didn't know you wanted it or were offering it yourself.
berrieh Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 So last night the girl and I were at the same party. I started talking with some people and didn't really get a chance to make my why over to talk to her. She left early and sent me a text saying that "I was friendly." Obviously sarcastic. I texted her today because we had talked the other night about her coming over and staying the night. I asked if she still wanted to. She replied back by saying "I don't think I should. Yesterday you couldn't even say hi at the party. You didn't even ask where I went and why." I texted her back saying that I didn't really get a chance to make it over to her and I asked why she left early. She hasn't gotten back to me about that one yet. Is this girl maybe liking me more than she's letting on to or is she just upset because she hasn't been getting the amount of attention lately that she is used to? Based on everything that's happened, I would say she sincerely likes you but is emotionally unstable. Getting her to trust you, based on a lot of her comments, sounds like it might be hell and a half.
bubblegum Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 So last night the girl and I were at the same party. I started talking with some people and didn't really get a chance to make my why over to talk to her. She left early and sent me a text saying that "I was friendly." Obviously sarcastic. I texted her today because we had talked the other night about her coming over and staying the night. I asked if she still wanted to. She replied back by saying "I don't think I should. Yesterday you couldn't even say hi at the party. You didn't even ask where I went and why." I texted her back saying that I didn't really get a chance to make it over to her and I asked why she left early. She hasn't gotten back to me about that one yet. Is this girl maybe liking me more than she's letting on to or is she just upset because she hasn't been getting the amount of attention lately that she is used to? Did you text her the night this happened, when she texted you "I was friendly," or did you ignore the whole thing? I think she was expecting you to show you were concerned about her feelings that evening, after she was obviously expecting you to notice her and come speak to her at the party fairly quickly, which would be a normal thing to do with someone you're dating and sleeping with. The next thing she hears from you is an invitation to spend the night. I can see why she's put off. This mix up doesn't demonstrate emotional instability on her part, as berriah has stated. Sensitivity yes, instability no. It seems you might err on the side on insensitivity, while she errs on the side of sensitivity. Not uncommon between men and women. I definately think she likes you more than you think she does. What have you said to her since that last response to you when you asked her about staying the night?
carhill Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 So last night the girl and I were at the same party. I started talking with some people and didn't really get a chance to make my why over to talk to her. She left early and sent me a text saying that "I was friendly." Obviously sarcastic.OP, a couple questions: Was this party so gigantic and your time so valuable that you could notice the young lady you've been having sex with and yet not have time to speak with her? What is your perspective on sexual intimacy? Is sex a recreational sport or is it an expression of how you feel? We know it's a biological urge. Animals have those. Humans attach meaning to it. I'm not judging you in any way. It's important that you and the young lady be both compatible and on the same page emotionally for a healthy relationship to develop. You're throwing a lot of signs out that this isn't the case. Comment?
berrieh Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Did you text her the night this happened, when she texted you "I was friendly," or did you ignore the whole thing? I think she was expecting you to show you were concerned about her feelings that evening, after she was obviously expecting you to notice her and come speak to her at the party fairly quickly, which would be a normal thing to do with someone you're dating and sleeping with. The next thing she hears from you is an invitation to spend the night. I can see why she's put off. This mix up doesn't demonstrate emotional instability on her part, as berriah has stated. Sensitivity yes, instability no. It seems you might err on the side on insensitivity, while she errs on the side of sensitivity. Not uncommon between men and women. I definately think she likes you more than you think she does. What have you said to her since that last response to you when you asked her about staying the night? You know, you make some good points. However, the fact that this girl slept with him, still wasn't sure she wanted to be exclusive, and has texted him something passive aggressive and sarcastic ("Thanks for being friendly" "Thanks for trying to get ahold of me today") pushes her into emotional instability in my opinion, especially since she's also just getting out of a relationship that sounds kinda bad. I don't think she'll be an easy or drama-free girl to date because of where her head space seems to be, but you make some valid points about her expectations being somewhat reasonable, considering. She definitely likes Steeltrain quite a bit, I'd say.
carhill Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Mixed signals...If we had all agreed on that back at the beginning, this wouldn't be at 172 posts and counting BTW, I agree wholeheartedly. This guy is acting as b!tchy as I did when I was his age and it's very unhealthy. Hope you're listening OP
Trialbyfire Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 If we had all agreed on that back at the beginning, this wouldn't be at 172 posts and counting BTW, I agree wholeheartedly. This guy is acting as b!tchy as I did when I was his age and it's very unhealthy. Hope you're listening OP Reading this thread is like watching a mating dance where both people keep accidentally stepping on each other's toes and throwing in a deliberate elbow, once ever five toe tromps, because the other person hurt them.
johan Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 I read up to post 35 or so. I think Steelrain handled things with the girl perfectly. Maybe because of what he said and how he said it, things won't work out with her. If that's all it takes, then it's not worth it anyway. But either way she'll respect him. He had an instinctive reaction to her that he should stick with. He knows what he wants, and it's not the games and drama that this girl is threatening to bring to the table. I completely agree with what RecordProducer had to say. People who criticize Steelrain seem to think that the right thing to do is to adjust yourself to try to fit with the person you're interested in. Don't stand up for yourself too much. Don't say what you want too strongly. Don't offend. Whatever. Who wants a relationship where you started compromising your core values on day 1? Some people seem to think that's the only way they'll ever find someone to be with. Not Steelrain.
BubblyPopcorn Posted December 7, 2008 Posted December 7, 2008 Why is Steelrain's username steel rain? Is it because he is made of steel?
Recommended Posts