Girl just told me another guy is persuing her

[Trialbyfire]

My example? Are you talking about when I ended the relationship with the girl that went to see her x-bf while her and I where working towards a relationship?

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

 

Then why date him? What is the purpose of dating? Unless its to get a free meal or something, its to see if the relationship can go anywhere. And it can come to an abrupt halt when you find out the person you are dating can't concentrate on one person at a time.

I'm talking about you, not Steelrain. Was the girl you were dating aware that exclusivity was on the table? Or did you just let her "hope" or "not hope" it was?

 

But like I said before, its one thing to realize there is no exclusive relationship and see other people. Its quite another to throw someone else you are seeing in the face of the person you want to be exclusive with.

Flipping back to Steelrain, that's just more self-protection and ego talking. I don't agree with her methodology about stating confusion. If she knew she wanted to be non-exclusive, then using the word "confusion" is manipulative.

 

If she was trying to be upfront, I can respect her for it. In telling someone that there's another person on the table, you give them the opportunity to walk or not. It's called honesty.

 

The flipside of this is that each man has the opportunity and RIGHT to decide if he's willing to date someone who's multi-dating. In Steelrain's situation, he doesn't want this but continues to be passive by sitting back and not expressing his own needs upfront. Piss or get off the pot.

[Trialbyfire]

To add more to this, ambiguity breeds more ambiguity. Same goes for passive-aggressive or passive behaviour. Never fear loss. If someone holds loss over your head, you have only yourself to blame for bending over.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

 

Well you mentioned that my relationships would fail because of me not wanting to be with someone who has another man on the side.

 

Uh, that being the case, I didn't want them after that realization in the first place.

 

 

I'm talking about you, not Steelrain. Was the girl you were dating aware that exclusivity was on the table? Or did you just let her "hope" or "not hope" it was?

 

We didn't consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were dating and laying the groundwork. Part of dating is to see if the person you are seeing is someone you would want. And I don't want someone who claims to be wanting to work towards a relationship with me, yet goes off and spends the weekend with someone else.

 

if she wanted a relationship with me, that was definitely not the way to go about it.

 

 

If she was trying to be upfront, I can respect her for it. In telling someone that there's another person on the table, you give them the opportunity to walk or not. It's called honesty.

 

Yes, and he told her to make a decision and get back with him.

 

The flipside of this is that each man has the opportunity and RIGHT to decide if he's willing to date someone who's multi-dating. In Steelrain's situation, he doesn't want this but continues to be passive by sitting back and not expressing his own needs upfront. Piss or get off the pot.

 

I agree, he needs to say one way or the other. I'd advise him to move on to someone who doesn't feel the need to multi-date.

 

As far as pissing or getting off the pot, isn't that what she should be doing since she is the one multi-dating?

[bubblegum]

Steelrain, I'm really glad you had that conversation with her last night. It sounded like an open, sincere honest one, where both of you let yourself become a bit vulnerable. She may have gone about bringing up this issue in a way that was confusing and indirect, but when you allowed her to opportunity to talk, and when you told her directly your feelings, she became more direct, so kudos to you!

 

Perhaps laying low and not sleeping with her is the way to go, since you've stated that you can see the two of you developing into something serious. Let her test the waters, she has that right, but she doesn't have the right to test the waters and sleep next to you at night, enjoy your emotional companionship, etc if you aren't comfortable with it. Let her compare you to others in your absence (or slight absence). Now is the time you really, really have to guage how you're going to be affected by her actions, and do what's best to take care of yourself.

 

I predict it will take hardly any time at all for her to realize that she's feeling scared of her feelings for you, more than she's feeling a true desire to be with another guy.

 

I don't know why really, but I don't see this negative picture of her as others have here, like Dexter for example. I think she's doing her best to be honest and sort through her feelings, from your descriptions.

 

That being said, let's hope she's not the type that always needs a guy in her life to feel whole. Do you know if she's had periods of time when she hasn't had a bf for a while? Her saying things to you lately about wanting to sleep next to you and cuddle makes me ask these questions. If she's the type of person that just can't handle being alone, then I'd worry about being the backburner guy. How to find out? Just ask her -- it'll get her thinking about how she handles things, and you'll get some info that'll help you decide how you should handle things.

[Trialbyfire]

Well you mentioned that my relationships would fail because of me not wanting to be with someone who has another man on the side.

No, I mentioned that you setup your relationships for failure by taking passive-aggressive actions.

 

Uh, that being the case, I didn't want them after that realization in the first place.

Did you ever state your boundaries to her previously or was it assumption that she can read your mind?

 

We didn't consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were dating and laying the groundwork. Part of dating is to see if the person you are seeing is someone you would want. And I don't want someone who claims to be wanting to work towards a relationship with me, yet goes off and spends the weekend with someone else.

 

if she wanted a relationship with me, that was definitely not the way to go about it.

Your perception of laying the groundwork for an exclusive relationship doesn't mean that everyone has the same perception. If this is the kind of person you want, why not be clear about it upfront? If she knows where you stand, she'll know to either abide by your boundaries or walk. In being clear upfront, you give her choice to be with you or not.

 

Yes, and he told her to make a decision and get back with him.

This is my interpretation of it. "Until you make a decision, I will be your backburner boy".

 

As far as pissing or getting off the pot, isn't that what she should be doing since she is the one multi-dating?

Exclusivity wasn't on the table originally. He's only put it on the table now and she's responded by saying that she wants to date around. Without this clarity, how can she piss or get off the pot? Having said that, once again, I found her usage of "confusion" manipulative, if she's already made a decision of not wanting exclusivity.

 

If someone is being elusive, it's up to the other party to nail them down. This way, you can make solid decisions based on facts, not just ego-protecting assumptions.

[Dexter Morgan]

No, I mentioned that you setup your relationships for failure by taking passive-aggressive actions.

 

Really? So by dating someone and enjoying their company and showing them consideration BEFORE they decide to get some on the side is passive-aggressive??

 

Or are you talking about the fact that I didn't call her again because she didn't deserve a phone call? If it is the latter to which you are referring, I think you are missing one major point........it was at that time i didn't want the relationship anymore.

 

 

Did you ever state your boundaries to her previously or was it assumption that she can read your mind?

 

The boundary is, if you like me and want a relationship with me, you won't go off and shag another guy.

 

Just like if I am into a girl and I want a relationship with her, but know we have to take it slow, I'm not going to show her how little i care by going out and seeing another girl.

 

Hence by her going to spend the weekend with another guy, she showed me just how insignificant I was to her. So I ended it.

[Steelrain21]

If she's the type of person that just can't handle being alone, then I'd worry about being the backburner guy. How to find out? Just ask her -- it'll get her thinking about how she handles things, and you'll get some info that'll help you decide how you should handle things.

 

So you think I should ask her something along the lines of when the last time she was single for a long time? I could do that. I'm sure she's liking the security of spending the night (sex actually only happened one of the three nights) since her last bf situation didn't end well at all. Is she enjoying time with me or just the fact that I'm "someone" to fill that role?

[Trialbyfire]

Dexter, when you first start dating, don't you have conversations about what kind of person you are?

 

For example, if you drop a casual line like "Hey, when I'm interested in a girl, I don't multi-date and expect the same from the other person, so we can focus on each other. What's your perspective?".

 

This immediately sets your boundaries without getting too serious upfront since you don't know her very well.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, when you first start dating, don't you have conversations about what kind of person you are?

 

yes, and she understood that I was a one woman at a time man. Thats all the information she needed to know that I wouldn't be happy with her multi-dating.

 

 

For example, if you drop a casual line like "Hey, when I'm interested in a girl, I don't multi-date and expect the same from the other person, so we can focus on each other. What's your perspective?".

 

This immediately sets your boundaries without getting too serious upfront since you don't know her very well.

 

Well it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that if you really like someone, and they like you, they aren't going to take to kindly to the other screwing around with other people.

 

And that is the thing. You take things slow, get to know each other, enjoy each other's company, and if you keep dating and keep seeing each other, then it takes a real dunderhead to think to themselves, "wow, I really like this person, but I think I'll risk a relationship with them by going out on them with someone else."

[Stockalone]

For example, if you drop a casual line like "Hey, when I'm interested in a girl, I don't multi-date and expect the same from the other person, so we can focus on each other. What's your perspective?".

 

This immediately sets your boundaries without getting too serious upfront since you don't know her very well.

 

I am fairly certain that if we asked what the women on LS think about a guy who drops that or a similar line within the first couple of dates, most replies would be along the lines of this being an unreasonable request, that the guy lacks confidence, is afraid of competition, is insecure, is desperate, couldn't get another date if he tried, etc..

[Trialbyfire]

Dexter, you're assuming everyone thinks the same way you do and will react as such. If you don't say, people can't do.

 

Stock, really? I would think that most women would welcome the lack of ambiguity. I could be wrong though. Maybe people prefer games. I know I don't.

[bubblegum]

So you think I should ask her something along the lines of when the last time she was single for a long time? I could do that. I'm sure she's liking the security of spending the night (sex actually only happened one of the three nights) since her last bf situation didn't end well at all. Is she enjoying time with me or just the fact that I'm "someone" to fill that role?

 

Yes, I think you can bring it up in conversation, it's a fair topic of discussion between people who are dating and considering a more serious relationship. If she hasn't ever been single for a long period of time you can ask why, and gently even ask if she thinks it's because she fears being alone. Share your own history with her as well, so it's a back and forth exchange of personal stuff, leaving her feeling as informed as hopefully you'll feel, and emotionally closer to you as well.

[Stockalone]

Stock, really? I would think that most women would welcome the lack of ambiguity. I could be wrong though. Maybe people prefer games. I know I don't.

 

I don't think of it as playing games. I actually believe that a lot of women don't find it "manly" enough. That it makes the guy a bit boring/less desirable right from the start because some of the anxiety/mystery (does he like me, if so how much) is missing.

 

Actually, the responses to this question might be interesting. If you let me use your phrasing, I will start a thread asking what women think of a man who does this.

[bubblegum]

 

We didn't consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were dating and laying the groundwork. Part of dating is to see if the person you are seeing is someone you would want. And I don't want someone who claims to be wanting to work towards a relationship with me, yet goes off and spends the weekend with someone else.

 

if she wanted a relationship with me, that was definitely not the way to go about it.

 

Well Dexter, part of dating is closing the door to old relationships or other interests in order to push forward on the groundwork of a new relationship before becoming bf and gf. So her seeing this ex could have been just that, gaining closure so to speak.

 

If I'm casually dating one or more guys, and then happen to date one that I think something real could happen with, I don't just automatically drop the others and never see them again. I might see them once or twice again to dwindle things off and end things, while really concentrating on things with the guy I'm truly interested in developing a relationship with.

 

Just thought I'd throw that out there.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

I don't know why really, but I don't see this negative picture of her as others have here, like Dexter for example. I think she's doing her best to be honest and sort through her feelings, from your descriptions.

 

That would be fine, and I would applaud her for at least being honest about telling him she is seeing another guy. To which she could have said something like "this isn't fair to you, I'd understand if you don't want to continue seeing me".

 

But she didn't she was so vain as to ask him, after dealing him the hard truth about what she is doing, if he isn't a fighter as if she is some grand prize to be won and thinks she is all that enough for him to simply overlook the fact she has designs on someone else as well.

 

Someone doing something they know might upset someone else need to exhibit a little modesty and humility, not exhibit a sense of entitlement.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't think of it as playing games. I actually believe that a lot of women don't find it "manly" enough. That it makes the guy a bit boring/less desirable right from the start because some of the anxiety/mystery (does he like me, if so how much) is missing.

 

Actually, the responses to this question might be interesting. If you let me use your phrasing, I will start a thread asking what women think of a man who does this.

Go ahead and use it Stock. Do me a favour though. Request categoric age group with responses.

 

15 - 25

25 - 35

35+

[bubblegum]

That would be fine, and I would applaud her for at least being honest about telling him she is seeing another guy. To which she could have said something like "this isn't fair to you, I'd understand if you don't want to continue seeing me"

 

But she didn't she was so vain as to ask him, after dealing him the hard truth about what she is doing, if he isn't a fighter as if she is some grand prize to be won and thinks she is all that enough for him to simply overlook the fact she has designs on someone else as well.

 

 

I think too much weight might be given to her question to him about his being a fighter, in your interpretation of how things her behavior. It's totally possible she just blurted that out because she was nervous or something and didn't know what else to say. Lame of her? Sure. But not a death sentence. Certainly not worthy of Steelrain just closing the door forever, but certainly worthy of more communicating in order to determine what she really meant, as Steelrain has done and seems to believe is worth continuing to do.

[bubblegum]

Go ahead and use it Stock. Do me a favour though. Request categoric age group with responses.

 

15 - 25

25 - 35

35+

 

 

Hahaha TBF! LMAO!!! Beautiful!

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, you're assuming everyone thinks the same way you do and will react as such. If you don't say, people can't do.

 

I like to find out the true nature of someone. if I dictate it to someone, they may only act the way I want because of what I said. I don't want anyone to act like someone they are not.

 

It shouldn't come as any surprise to anyone that I, or anyone really, wouldn't be put off at someone I like, and that supposedly likes me, messing around with someone else.

 

I guess if someone I like that claims to like me is messing around with someone else, then she wasn't that into me in the first place.

 

Like I told that girl long ago after she told me that I can't be mad because we didn't have a committment, I told her she was right, I can't be mad(even though I was put off), but I also told her that if she wanted a relationship with me, she just screwed it up.

 

No passive aggressiveness about that. I was upfront and to the point with her. No games, it was simply over.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

We didn't consider each other boyfriend and girlfriend, but we were dating and laying the groundwork. Part of dating is to see if the person you are seeing is someone you would want. And I don't want someone who claims to be wanting to work towards a relationship with me, yet goes off and spends the weekend with someone else.

 

if she wanted a relationship with me, that was definitely not the way to go about it.

 

Well Dexter, part of dating is closing the door to old relationships or other interests in order to push forward on the groundwork of a new relationship before becoming bf and gf. So her seeing this ex could have been just that, gaining closure so to speak.

 

It wasn't a visit for closure, it was a booty call.

 

And even if it was for closure, it didn't need to take her spending the evening with him for 2 nights.

 

either way, not my problem. She should have gotten her closure before entering a relationship with me.

 

 

If I'm casually dating one or more guys, and then happen to date one that I think something real could happen with, I don't just automatically drop the others and never see them again.

 

Well don't be too dissappointed when you find someone that you really like and thinks really likes you, then finds out you are playing him if/when he leaves.

 

Any guy with any self-respect won't be played like that.

[Dexter Morgan]

I think too much weight might be given to her question to him about his being a fighter, in your interpretation of how things her behavior.

 

Not really.

 

If I just dropped a bomb on someone and realize I just might have hurt them or put them off, I wouldn't be so smug as to say, "so, you aint gonna fight for me?" Because after dropping such a bomb, the focus should be on being understanding of the other person's feelings.

 

By making the comment of not being a fighter, she totally ignored his feelings to make this all about her.

 

 

It's totally possible she just blurted that out because she was nervous or something and didn't know what else to say. Lame of her? Sure. But not a death sentence. Certainly not worthy of Steelrain just closing the door forever, but certainly worthy of more communicating in order to determine what she really meant

 

What she really meant may be of no concern to Steelrain. Steel may just want to close the door forever because she was seeing someone else.

[Trialbyfire]

Hahaha TBF! LMAO!!! Beautiful!

 

I like to find out the true nature of someone. if I dictate it to someone, they may only act the way I want because of what I said. I don't want anyone to act like someone they are not.

 

It shouldn't come as any surprise to anyone that I, or anyone really, wouldn't be put off at someone I like, and that supposedly likes me, messing around with someone else.

 

I guess if someone I like that claims to like me is messing around with someone else, then she wasn't that into me in the first place.

 

Like I told that girl long ago after she told me that I can't be mad because we didn't have a committment, I told her she was right, I can't be mad(even though I was put off), but I also told her that if she wanted a relationship with me, she just screwed it up.

 

No passive aggressiveness about that. I was upfront and to the point with her. No games, it was simply over.

That's just it, Dexter. No one is messing around on you if you're not exclusive. If you can't state you want exclusivity, you're the one messing around with someone else. You're in essence, letting them hang themselves on rope that isn't visible. Not everyone thinks and feels the same way you do. You want someone to prove themselves to you, which can only result in relationship sabotage.

[berrieh]

the part it plays is that its too new for her to expect him to shout at the hilltops "I LOVE YOU AND YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE FOR ME!" He may be thinking that, but geez, take it slow.

 

I don't think she was expecting that. I do think she is trying to see the endgame, rather than live in the moment, and it's getting her dizzy. She didn't realize that she didn't have to neccesarily make a decision and that it wasn't particularly savvy to mention to Steeltrain that she was confused.

 

As far as your situation and views about exclusivity goes, you and I disagree; when I'm not exclusive with a guy, I'm not exclusive with a guy, and if he were to get upset about me dating others, I'd be both baffled and annoyed. I'd say, "If it upsets you, ask me to be exclusive. I assumed you were seeing others, too, since you hadn't brought it up" (followed by either, "but I'm open to being exclusive with you and to stop dating others" or by "and I'm not ready to consider us exclusive; if that means, you'd rather not see each other, I understand"). Not everyone feels the same, but I don't think you can hold someone to being exclusive if the topic hasn't come up and been agreed on by both parties.

[CommitmentPhobe]

. I'd say, "If it upsets you, ask me to be exclusive. I assumed you were seeing others, too, since you hadn't brought it up" (followed by either, "but I'm open to being exclusive with you and to stop dating others" or by "and I'm not ready to consider us exclusive; if that means, you'd rather not see each other, I understand").

 

You seem to be forgetting that feelings often override the first, second or even third best way of dealing with something. Otherwise we'd all deal with things like spock, like you're suggesting.

[berrieh]

either way, not my problem. She should have gotten her closure before entering a relationship with me.

 

From what you said, she wasn't in a relationship with you.