Girl just told me another guy is persuing her

[Trialbyfire]

Okay, let's lay this out in another way. Steelrain can either:

1. Walk.
   
2. Get a definitive answer from her by approaching it in a straight-forward, mature fashion. Cut through the bull.
   
3. Play into the game.
   

He claims to not enjoy games but is doing #3, which is what some of the male members are telling him to keep doing by suggesting it's a form of retaining self-respect. Some of the other male members are telling him to do #1. The female members are encouraging him to do #2.

 

What do you really want Steelrain?

[bubblegum]

Okay, let's lay this out in another way. Steelrain can either:

1. Walk.
   
2. Get a definitive answer from her by approaching it in a straight-forward, mature fashion. Cut through the bull.
   
3. Play into the game.
   

He claims to not enjoy games but is doing #3, which is what some of the male members are telling him to keep doing by suggesting it's a form of retaining self-respect. Some of the other male members are telling him to do #1. The female members are encouraging him to do #2.

 

What do you really want Steelrain?

 

Nicely put TBF, and good point about the different reactions to Steelrain's situation that some male and the female posters have on this thread!

[Trialbyfire]

Nicely put TBF, and good point about the different reactions to Steelrain's situation that some male and the female posters have on this thread!

Thanks bubblegum. After all the responses, I figured that this gives Steelrain a quick snapshot.

[Dexter Morgan]

You guys act like he used these words:

 

"I like you, and I want to only see you. I wouldn't be comfortable at this point continuing to date you if you're still interested in seeing other people. What are your thoughts?"

 

He didn't say that.

 

Instead, he said, "I don't like your drama, get back to me when you've decided you only want me and maybe if you're lucky I'll be around to entertain the thought."

 

Perfectly acceptable in the face of a girl that is thinking about being with another man.

[Star Gazer]

Perfectly acceptable in the face of a girl that is thinking about being with another man.

 

They aren't even a couple! How do you expect to make it to couple-status by being so incredibly RUDE? She's not a mind reader!

[Dexter Morgan]

They aren't even a couple! How do you expect to make it to couple-status by being so incredibly RUDE?

 

 

I agree, it was incredibly rude of her to tell him she likes another guy and expects him to fight for her.

 

Basically its like, "hey, I like you, but I like another guy, so how are you going to kiss my ass to win me over? I'm all that ya know";)

 

So be honest, what would you do if a guy you liked told you he has designs on another girl, but wanted to know what have you done for him lately to make him swing your way? In other words, him wanting you to show why you are worthy without him having to prove his worthiness in the first place.

[carhill]

I went back and read the OP again...

 

She got out of a long relationship with a really bad ex 2 and a half months ago and has been telling me that she is really apprehensive of guys. I don't feel I've been pushing her into anything at all, things have mutually just seemed to fall into place.

First red flag. She's apprehensive of men and just exited a painful LTR

 

Anyways, a couple days ago she tells me that there's another guy persuing her. She said she feels bad because she really does like me, but she's confused about what to do and doesn't want to see both of us at the same time.

Confusion. She apparently finds the other gentleman attractive (or finds any man who expresses interest in her attractive), as she mentions him, but doesn't want to multi-date. She tells you about this dynamic. Why? In the interest of full disclosure? Sure. The comfortable exit strategy theory. I'm confused and there's this other guy and I don't know what to do so could you bear with me awhile for I am an honest yet confused yet interested yet monogamous yet confused young lady.

 

--------

 

OP, are you looking for a LTR here? Or is this just a fun dating and sex kinda thing? If the former, I would tell her sincerely that you don't feel you (as in plural "you") are ready for what you want to have (see above for the reasons) and that she should entertain the attentions of others. It's possible to like someone, even love them, and it not be the right time or place for intimacy and a healthy R.

 

Personally, I think she needs time alone, away from men, to process the realities of her past failed LTR and learn from them. Her confusion underscores this.

[xpaperxcutx]

After reading, I have to say most of the posts by men are all assumptions on the girl's " game playing". The OP doesn't know what the girl's really thinking, since she's a bit a torn between exclusivity and whether the OP really wants one. So all these hateful and resenting comments about her selfishness are uncalled for.

 

The OP made his point across that he's not willing to deal with drama, although I have to agree with Stargazer and TBF that he could have stated it better in his email, but he made his point across. So that's that.

 

 

What I don't understand is, why is the OP so worked up over her apparent noncommital issues, when we don't even know whether the OP really wants to be in a R with her? All this time we've so focused on the issue of the girl multidating, but we never even touched the subject on whether Steelrain is even willing. He stated he will get back to her when she's ready, which to me sounds extremely selfish, because it says he's only willing to give her the time of day only when her full attention is on him. Dating shouldn't be so lopsided, let alone just about one person. It should be about two people willing to put in efforts together.

 

I seen the effort the girl's been using, albeit she could've done it in a more sensible manner. And you the OP, should have been less cold and harsh in your approach to make your own point come across.

[kashmir]

Clearly you don't understand the psychology behind sending messages and their interpretation.

 

You can't control the way your message is perceived, but you can control the way it's presented so as to communicate the way you intended.

 

He failed miserably here.

 

It's called the "sunshine, meet rectum" theory

 

Used by nice friend-zoned guys everywhere.....

 

I've also experienced it with female salespeople who wish to part myself from my money

 

Exactly. Stargazer, you don't realize what a paradox this is. Guys are always given advice to be firm, direct, and decisive. This girl throws at him that she's confused, that she doesn't know which guy she wants, etc. He lets her know that he isn't going to change to win her over. She makes the fighting comment. As I said, she could have just meant that comment lightly or really wanted two guys fighting over her, but either way it wasn't a good thing to say. You seem focused on picking on Steelrain's words, but what about what SHE said? Even if that was a joke, it wasn't a very good one, because it can easily be interpreted to mean she's looking for attention and wants to play games.

[berrieh]

What game is he playing?

 

They are not exclusive. He has not shared his feelings. Yet he wants her to 'decide what she wants' and he will then tell her how he feels... That's a game. If he wants to be exclusive and share his feelings, he should. No point in going 10 rounds of obstructionist, "You first!" with her. They're playing the same game, just different ways.

 

Either he has feelings for her or he doesn't.

Either he wants to date her or he doesn't.

Either he wants to be exclusive or he doesn't. (And if he doesn't, of course she's going to date other guys.)

[Dexter Morgan]

They are not exclusive. He has not shared his feelings. Yet he wants her to 'decide what she wants' and he will then tell her how he feels... That's a game.

 

Wrong. When she decides what she wants, then he can tell her that he likes her too, that is if she decides she wants to be with him.

 

But if you want to be with someone, you don't expect them to bend over backwards for you by shoving another potential mate in their face as if you are worthy to keep a guy that you are pimpin'.

[berrieh]

And for those saying she didn't bring up the other guy to play games with him, but rather to see where he stands with her, lets not forget that he said that this was what was said:

 

"She said she feels bad because she really does like me, but she's confused about what to do and doesn't want to see both of us at the same time"

 

so yes, she isn't trying to see where she stands with him, but she is actually considering the other guy. So I think his response was perfectly acceptable and appropriate.

 

Yeah, it sounds to me like she

• Had a bad experience with her ex (see the text in one of the messages)
  
• Likes Steelrain but doesn't want to waste time if he's not going to commit and come forward
  
• Dates one guy at a time
  
• Has another guy who's interested, who she probably likes less but trusts more to come forward
  
• Wants Steelrain to comeforward so she can forget about said other guy.
  

This is a Mars/Venus issue. She went about it in an unproductive way, but I've been there -- one guy you really want to be serious about and exclusive with, but another guy you're sure wants that with you, and you wish Guy #1 would just SPEAK UP and cement things, rather than get you all insecure, so you could tell Guy #2, "Sorry I'm taken" and not try to juggle both.

[carhill]

OP, are you seeing other women and, if so, did you talk about them with this young lady?

 

You related that you have been getting to know her for a "couple weeks". Do you have extensive history with her (non-romantic) or is she new to your life? Sometimes, people are acquaintances for a period of time and then "get to know each other" better. Which is it for you?

 

Personally, having heard exclusivity talked about a bit here, I'm wondering out loud if a "couple weeks" is adequate time to even consider it, much less consider it when at least one of the parties is fresh out of a bad (by her admission) relationship.....

 

Carry on

[kashmir]

After reading, I have to say most of the posts by men are all assumptions on the girl's " game playing". The OP doesn't know what the girl's really thinking, since she's a bit a torn between exclusivity and whether the OP really wants one. So all these hateful and resenting comments about her selfishness are uncalled for.

 

The OP made his point across that he's not willing to deal with drama, although I have to agree with Stargazer and TBF that he could have stated it better in his email, but he made his point across. So that's that.

 

 

What I don't understand is, why is the OP so worked up over her apparent noncommital issues, when we don't even know whether the OP really wants to be in a R with her? All this time we've so focused on the issue of the girl multidating, but we never even touched the subject on whether Steelrain is even willing. He stated he will get back to her when she's ready, which to me sounds extremely selfish, because it says he's only willing to give her the time of day only when her full attention is on him. Dating shouldn't be so lopsided, let alone just about one person. It should be about two people willing to put in efforts together.

 

I seen the effort the girl's been using, albeit she could've done it in a more sensible manner. And you the OP, should have been less cold and harsh in your approach to make your own point come across.

 

I don't understand what he's supposed to do or say. "I really like you ****. I want to take things further with you and I want you to be exclusive to me." I WISH it could be like that, but what a lot of the women don't understand is the guy's actions is a double-edged sword. When he says something like that, then she knows she has him. Unless she's deeply attracted to him, which obviously isn't the case since she's confused about which guy she wants, she's going to say, "Hmm, well he obviously wants me. Let me see if the other one does..." Say the other guy tells her the same thing. Now she has 2 guys in the bag, and both their values will gradually go down. If the other guy gives a response like the OP gave, then she will probably go for him since he'll be a challenge and the OP will be her back-up.

 

By saying what the OP said, he's maintaining control, which is what the guy should do. He's asserting himself as a guy that doesn't play games and won't mold in order to win her over. He's telling her that she can have him if she is willing to commit to him, and if she's not then he'll move on.

 

You talk about how there should be a balance...but guess what, we have different roles. The girl can get away with being a bit submissive but the guy can't. It would kill the attraction she has for him if he were to go about things by her terms on everything.

[Trialbyfire]

When he says something like that, then she knows she has him.

Wrong. She can only have him if he lets her do it. If she starts to twist, he should just shut her down with a Sayonara, the game is Ovah!

[berrieh]

I don't understand what he's supposed to do or say. "I really like you ****. I want to take things further with you and I want you to be exclusive to me." I WISH it could be like that, but what a lot of the women don't understand is the guy's actions is a double-edged sword. When he says something like that, then she knows she has him. Unless she's deeply attracted to him, which obviously isn't the case since she's confused about which guy she wants, she's going to say, "Hmm, well he obviously wants me. Let me see if the other one does..." Say the other guy tells her the same thing. Now she has 2 guys in the bag, and both their values will gradually go down. If the other guy gives a response like the OP gave, then she will probably go for him since he'll be a challenge and the OP will be her back-up.

 

By saying what the OP said, he's maintaining control, which is what the guy should do. He's asserting himself as a guy that doesn't play games and won't mold in order to win her over. He's telling her that she can have him if she is willing to commit to him, and if she's not then he'll move on.

 

You talk about how there should be a balance...but guess what, we have different roles. The girl can get away with being a bit submissive but the guy can't. It would kill the attraction she has for him if he were to go about things by her terms on everything.

 

A Few Points

 

• Girls who go after a guy because they want a challenge don't like the guys they go after. (It's the same with guys.) If you want to be in a sincere relationship, these people - male or female - are not the folks for you.
  
• Nowhere has the OP told this girl she can have him if she's willing to commit. He's withheld his feelings from her and certainly not offered or properly asked for exclusivity; many, many women will not ASK for exclusivity since it is more likely that the man is avoiding commitment than the woman traditionally. I am a fairly modern gal, and even I rarely bring up exclusivity. I make sure the guy does, or else I consider the relationship doomed. (I'll ask a guy out or offer my number, I'll call guys, I'll express my affection, etc. But I won't start "The Talk" -- that's too forward.)
  
• It's not at all submissive to speak your feelings and state what kind of relationship you wish to have. The OP has not done that, thus he is playing the game. And to what end?
  

[kashmir]

"i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time"

 

He's telling her:

• To be herself
  
• To open up to him
  
• That he likes her and wants to continue seeing her - while it isn't directly saying he wants to be exclusive, it's getting there
  
• That she can back out if wants and go for this other guy
  

 

And she responds in a flaky and indecisive way.

 

The way Stargazer interpreted this message was utterly ridiculous. It's like she's TRYING with every little fiber in her body to find fault in what he said. Some of you just don't understand that he couldn't replace "get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time" with "I really like you and I really hope you feel the same way about me. Please get back to me soon." If he worded it like that, she would instantly lose interest. She might not consciously know it, but her sub-conscious would tell her that he's desperate and needy and not very masculine.

[berrieh]

He's telling her:

• To be herself
  
• To open up to him
  
• That he likes her and wants to continue seeing her - while it isn't directly saying he wants to be exclusive, it's getting there
  
• That she can back out if wants and go for this other guy
  

And she responds in a flaky and indecisive way.

 

They're both being flaky and indecisive. He has not offered her anything, yet he wants her to "decide" something.

 

The way Stargazer interpreted this message was utterly ridiculous. It's like she's TRYING with every little fiber in her body to find fault in what he said. Some of you just don't understand that he couldn't replace "get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time" with "I really like you and I really hope you feel the same way about me. Please get back to me soon." If he worded it like that, she would instantly lose interest. She might not consciously know it, but her sub-conscious would tell her that he's desperate and needy and not very masculine.

 

Wow. I have never once lost interest in a man because he told me he liked me or expressed what he felt. I have, on rare occasion, decided to stop seeing a man I already didn't really have interest but-was-just-seeing-about, because I thought he was falling for me.

 

There's nothing unmasculine about saying "I really like you and I hope you feel the same way about me." Any girl who would be turned off by that is either not into the guy, not looking for a relationship, or requires tons of drama in a relationship.

 

I don't think Stargazer had to be trying to find fault in that line. I find fault in that line, too. As a woman, I'd think fairly similar -- though not exactly -- what Stargazer expressed. Or at least I'd wonder if those were what the guy meant.

[Dexter Morgan]

Yeah, it sounds to me like she

• Had a bad experience with her ex (see the text in one of the messages)

Thats fine, but it doesn't excuse her acting like she is a prize to be won and expecting him to be ok with her wanting another guy and fight for her. If she had bad experiences, then she can talk to him about it. But by wanting to make this into a competition, she is making a bad experience for Steel.

• Likes Steelrain but doesn't want to waste time if he's not going to commit and come forward

Well she isn't giving him much of a chance by shoving another man into the mix.

• Dates one guy at a time

Well then she has a decision to make doesn't she? He shouldn't have to make it for her.

 

• Has another guy who's interested, who she probably likes less but trusts more to come forward

Uh, how quickly does this girl want to push someone into exclusivity if that is true, because Steel said they have been seeing each other for only a couple weeks. Geez, lets have a little courtship. And courtship isn't possible or pleasant when the person one is trying to get to know wants to get to know someone else too.

 

• Wants Steelrain to comeforward so she can forget about said other guy.

So she should talk to him, not try to make him jealous. Because a guy with any backbone and self-respect won't want someone that is seeing someone else at the same time, or is considering seeing someone else.

 

 

 

This is a Mars/Venus issue. She went about it in an unproductive way, but I've been there -- one guy you really want to be serious about and exclusive with, but another guy you're sure wants that with you, and you wish Guy #1 would just SPEAK UP and cement things, rather than get you all insecure, so you could tell Guy #2, "Sorry I'm taken" and not try to juggle both.

 

I understand where you are coming from, but again, this relationship was a little too new for her to be trying to make him jealous with another man in the mix.

[Dexter Morgan]

OP, are you seeing other women and, if so, did you talk about them with this young lady?

 

What do you think she'd do if he says to her, "you know, I have someone interested in me too and I have been talking with her about it".

 

I don't think she'd be up for fighting for him. I think she'd slap him in the face and slam the door on the way out.

[Dexter Morgan]

Nowhere has the OP told this girl she can have him if she's willing to commit. He's withheld his feelings from her and certainly not offered or properly asked for exclusivity

 

 

If I were in this situation, and the relationship was only a couple weeks old, I wouldn't want to tell my feelings to a woman who is interested in another man either.

 

I think Steel just needs to move on. Let her know her little ploy backfired and maybe she'll learn to treat the next guy she likes with a little more respect.

[Dexter Morgan]

They're both being flaky and indecisive. He has not offered her anything, yet he wants her to "decide" something.

 

What is wrong with telling her to make a decision? SHE is the one that needs to decide what she wants, not him. SHE is the one that has someone on the other side she is considering.

 

Its not even his decision to make.

[Trialbyfire]

Dexter, you make men sound like a buncha' victims. I'm calling bull, because...

She replied to that by saying "oh, so you're not a fighter, huh?"

When she said this, it was the perfect opening line for him to jump right in and call her out on what she meant by this comment.

 

"Are you trying to get me to fight over you? Are you trying to make me jealous?"

 

Simple. She would have been aghast and backpedalling, whether she intended to make him jealous or not in the first place. It would have forced her to provide some clarity.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dexter, you make men sound like a buncha' victims. I'm calling bull, because...

 

When she said this, it was the perfect opening line for him to jump right in and call her out on what she meant by this comment.

 

"Are you trying to get me to fight over you? Are you trying to make me jealous?"

 

Simple. She would have been aghast and backpedalling, whether she intended to make him jealous or not in the first place. It would have forced her to provide some clarity.

 

Well ok then, because he didn't exactly know the perfect thing to say since we have had plenty of time to think about this and he didn't, I guess it is perfectly okie dokie to see 2 men at the same time and expect the men to make the decision for her.

 

Thanks for clearing that up.

 

Sorry, victim or not, why would you think a man should be ok with a woman considering or seeing another man? Its like, "i'm seeing someone else, what you think about that?"

[Trialbyfire]

Well ok then, because he didn't exactly know the perfect thing to say since we have had plenty of time to think about this and he didn't, I guess it is perfectly okie dokie to see 2 men at the same time and expect the men to make the decision for her.

 

Thanks for clearing that up.

He's not a victim. He's playing into the game, just as much as she is. There were plenty of moments he could have called her out. Instead, he played passive-aggressive.

 

If a guy wants the upperhand, he's going to have be assertive, not nasty. Cut through the b/s. Call her out on her crap. You'd be surprised how many women would be impressed by it, instead of intuitively knowing guys are self-protecting.