Girl just told me another guy is persuing her

[berrieh]

Well thats a sh###y way to go about it. She is lucky he didn't slam a door in her face.

 

I can't imagine wanting to be with a woman, but to see where I stand with her telling her, "oh, by the way, another woman likes me and I think I like her, you willing to fight for me?" I'd have to be out of my freakin' head.

 

Well, I also said she was a few marbles short. So, I agree with ya there.

 

I just don't agree that the OP isn't game-playing. He totally is. They both are.

[kashmir]

Ok. I intended to make this post to support Steelrain, but now that I've reviewed all the interactions that took place between them, my thinking has changed.

 

Anyways, a couple days ago she tells me that there's another guy persuing her. She said she feels bad because she really does like me, but she's confused about what to do and doesn't want to see both of us at the same time.

 

I told her that I'm not the type that is going to change anything about myself because there's someone else in the picture. I told her that I liked her too and that I was liking where things were going. I said that she should have a pretty good idea of what I'm about and if she wants to keep things going with us that I'd like that but if not that I'd still live.

 

So he essentially tells her that he's not going to do anything different just because she informed him that there's another guy. A very good response. She says,

 

"oh, so you're not a fighter, huh?"

 

What she said wasn't the best thing to say. At this point, it can be interpreted a number of ways. If you look at my post in the beginning, I interpreted it as her being disappointed that Steelrain didn't try to "win" her from the other guy. It could have very well been that, and if a girl said that to me, based on her tone and the context, I could very well interpret it the same way.

 

Based on other interactions, though, like,

 

I got a text late that next night from her that said something like "Thanks for trying to get a hold of me today, I might as well just call you Casey (her ex)"

 

and

 

The next time we hung out she just about cancelled at the last minute because she said that she heard from people that I was trying to get back together with my ex. We're both in a smaller town sized town so rumors kind of fly around. I told her that it was up to her if she still wanted to come over but it'd be nice if she'd listen to the one person who would know the truth. She decided to come over and spend the night and during the night I told her that I was glad that she decided not to listen to rumors and came over. She told me "yeah...just don't make me regret it."

 

I get the impression that she was just being flirty with her earlier comment about fighting. As I said, it wasn't the best thing to say, but now that I think of it, I don't think it should have created this response:

 

"i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time"

 

Contrary to what other critics are saying, I don't think the problem was that your response was too harsh. I think it's that you assumed too much and misinterpreted what she said. When she received this response, the first thing that probably went through her mind was, "Oh no, what did I do?" While it's possible, I think this girl likes you too much to have given much thought to her fighting comment. I don't think it was a classic "BS test" that egotistical girls are said to give, in fact she might be regretting that it ever came out of her mouth.

 

Of course, I don't know what she's thinking. Her next comment, where she said she had to "sort things out" seems pretty flaky and game-like, so I could be wrong about what I said above and this whole time she could have been playing hard to get and mixed signals. What have you done with her since she said that last thing?

[carhill]

What have you done with her since she said that last thing?

 

Yes, it's the "what happens next" that's the important part

 

Personally, for me, if at age 22, I'd smile at the next likely candidate and move on....

[Steelrain21]

It's been two days since she told me about another guy persuing her. The only contact I've had with her since then I've mentioned. She asked if it was ok about those pictures of me she put up online, I sent her that email and she IMed me telling me that she read it but still had some things to sort out. That IM conversation is the last contact I've had with her and happend later last evening.

 

The only thing I didn't mention about that last conversation is at the end up of it she told me that she had been thinking of calling me up and seeing me last night but thought she probably she make up her mind what she wants first. I told her that was probably a good idea. I said I didn't want her spending the night or cuddling or anything like that until she figures out what she wants. I ended the convo by saying "So we'll talk when we both feel ready?" She agreed and my plan was going to lay low until she contacts me about talking or hanging out and I'll take it from there.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with telling her that I want to be more exclusive if I felt that it would go over well. I'm just not sure it is. Maybe that's what she wants, but if she's mostly after the attention of 2 guys then I doubt that my telling her I want to be exclusive will do much good.

[Star Gazer]

I told her how I felt about her and I made it clear that I didn't want to be involved with a girl if she's confused between me and someone else. I told her I wanted things to keep going with us.

 

Why didn't you just say THIS above, instead of what you did the way you did? You sounded like an ambivalent jerk, IMO.

[Star Gazer]

Wow. The guy is showing he has a backbone and being firm and you're calling him rude and harsh? She's the one that started all of this. She's the one that implied that they were going to play by her rules by making the "fighting" statement. He's merely saying, "Look, I like you, and you probably like me, but this is going nowhere unless we avoid all the bullcrap." Don't girls want guys to be HONEST and not to play games? Seriously, if you're calling him rude, then that suggests to me that you can't take men who stand up for themselves and don't automatically agree with everything a girl says or does.

 

And I'd like to hear what your idea of an acceptable and polite email would be.

 

What bullcrap are you talking about? And the need for a backbone or standing up for themselves??? That's laughable. There's no need to have a backbone or stand up for oneself when they're in the very beginning stages of dating. What's wrong with her being interested in someone else right now??? Did he assume they were instantly exclusive???

 

Steelrain, the part I'm confused about is that the two of you aren't in an exclusive relationship and yet, you're making a big deal about her dating more than one person. If you want to be exclusive, you can ask her. If you don't want to date anyone who's multi-dating, that's okay too. Just cut all contact. I don't understand the drama, from the two of you.

 

Precisely. If he considers her behavior to be drama, his is EQUALLY so.

[Trialbyfire]

"What's been happening has been kind of confusing for me and I'm sure for you too. I have issues with someone multi-dating since I don't play that game of fight over the prize. If you're interested in exclusivity, give me a shout. Otherwise, take care and good luck. Steelrain."

[Star Gazer]

Doesn't have anything to do with his ego.

 

It has to do with not wanting someone who is interested in playing games. Not wanting someone who wants an ego boost by two guys fighting over her.

 

He doesn't want someone who doesn't want ONLY HIM - the ultimate ego boost FOR HIM.

[Star Gazer]

"What's been happening has been kind of confusing for me and I'm sure for you too. I have issues with someone multi-dating since I don't play that game of fight over the prize. If you're interested in exclusivity, give me a shout. Otherwise, take care and good luck. Steelrain."

 

Perfectly stated.

 

Also, Steelrain. You said you're interested in being "more exclusive." No such thing. You either are, or you aren't. Before YOU attack HER for being uncertain about what she wants, you should get your own head clear first.

[kashmir]

What bullcrap are you talking about? And the need for a backbone or standing up for themselves??? That's laughable. There's no need to have a backbone or stand up for oneself when they're in the very beginning stages of dating. What's wrong with her being interested in someone else right now??? Did he assume they were instantly exclusive??

 

This doesn't have anything to do with her maybe seeing another guy. That's perfectly fine. It's the way she was handling it with Steelrain. Based on my last post, I said that that part is up for interpretation and isn't 100% - ie what she meant by the "oh, so you're not a fighter?" comment. If she's trying to use this other guy to make Steelrain jealous or test him or whatever, then she's playing games, and Steelrain is perfectly right for saying, "I don't play games. If you like me, then tell me." So far she hasn't given him a clear answer to that. That should say a lot. When games are being played in the beginning stages, you need to show you have a backbone and won't put up with that crap.

 

As I said though, the issue here is whether she's playing games or not. We don't know that, and there's evidence that vouches for both sides.

 

He doesn't want someone who doesn't want ONLY HIM - the ultimate ego boost FOR HIM.

 

A lot of people want that. It's called a relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

Perfectly stated.

 

Also, Steelrain. You said you're interested in being "more exclusive." No such thing. You either are, or you aren't. Before YOU attack HER for being uncertain about what she wants, you should get your own head clear first.

Thanks. As a woman, if I were interested, I'd be quick to jump on it since it says, I like you and am confident to say so. If you don't return it, I'm not traumatized for life. Trust me, I'll live.

[Star Gazer]

A lot of people want that. It's called a relationship.

 

Yes. But they are not in one. They are in the very beginning stages of dating.

 

To DEMAND (which is how HIS email read) that someone drop any other potential date the moment they meet you simply because YOU feel that special something is beyond unreasonable, IMO.

 

To confidently say, "I don't multidate, it's cool if you do but I won't be interested anymore," (as TBF's version basically states) is completely different.

 

It's all about delivery. His was RUDE.

[wisebutnotperfect]

You are definitely on the right track by letting her know that you could live without her if she feels a need to be with the other person. i also think that your intuition with regard to her motive for telling you is probably right on track as well. she would love nothing more than for you to get jealous and to fold up and become subservient. stick to your gut instincts, be yourself. yourself will be great for the person who really wants to be with you. maintain your self confidence and self respect at all costs.

[kashmir]

Yes. But they are not in one. They are in the very beginning stages of dating.

 

To DEMAND (which is how HIS email read) that someone drop any other potential date the moment they meet you simply because YOU feel that special something is beyond unreasonable, IMO.

 

To confidently say, "I don't multidate, it's cool if you do but I won't be interested anymore," (as TBF's version basically states) is completely different.

 

It's all about delivery. His was RUDE.

 

i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time

 

Where the hell is he demanding anything? Yeah, from that stage, he could have worded things a bit better, but at least he's being honest. He's giving her a choice - either no games or no Steelrain. And while his message was a bit blunt, he's essentially asking for exclusivity. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I want to be exclusive with you, but if you don't want that and still want to let other guys pursue you then sorry but I'm outta here." That would've been a better way to say it, but I don't think his message was that bad. If you wanna hear something rude, hear some of the crap I've heard girls say to guys who asked them out.

[Star Gazer]

i don't like games and i don't play games. [i.e., "Listen little girl, you're playing games, and I don't like it!"]

 

if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. ["You're drama, and I don't like it. Yeah, I said it - I don't like you and your drama. Either drop it or I'm out!"]

 

either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. ["Whatever, I don't like you either."]

 

get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time ["Don't even bother responding, biotch. By the time you figure your drama sh*t out, I will be chasing some other tail."]

 

I've included the originals, as well as the most common interpretation by women.

 

These are all very aggressive, accusatory statements. Wouldn't you agree??

 

His message does not come across well. Period.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, from that stage, he could have worded things a bit better, but at least he's being honest.

 

Duh. That's all I said. He could have worded it MUCH better, as the original version was, in fact, RUDE. I don't think he made any ground with his message as it was.

 

And while his message was a bit blunt, he's essentially asking for exclusivity. There's nothing wrong with saying, "I want to be exclusive with you, but if you don't want that and still want to let other guys pursue you then sorry but I'm outta here." That would've been a better way to say it, but I don't think his message was that bad. If you wanna hear something rude, hear some of the crap I've heard girls say to guys who asked them out.

 

Precisely. I realize what he's asking for, I wasn't born yesterday. Nevertheless, it's still all about delivery.

 

Who wants to be exclusive with a guy who communicates the way he did in his message? He was rude and controlling, and sounded arrogant and selfish as well. I don't give a rat's ass about the examples of rude things you've heard girls say to guys to REJECT them. He's ASKING her to BE IN A RELATINSHIP with him. Don't you think it would behoove him to do that in a persuasive manner???

[Dexter Morgan]

He doesn't want someone who doesn't want ONLY HIM - the ultimate ego boost FOR HIM.

 

Its a big ego to want someone that only wants him?

 

I guess you are right. I absolutely love someone that is interested in a relationship with me to want another man:rolleyes:

[kashmir]

Was that last post a joke? If it wasn't, then you really need to stop taking what guys say so hard and take their words for their face value. It ain't Steelrain's problem that you or other women try to find the worst possible interpretation no matter what guys say.

[Dexter Morgan]

I just don't agree that the OP isn't game-playing. He totally is. They both are.

 

What game is he playing?

[carhill]

IME, when a woman wishes to assign a negative value to a man's words or actions, the content of those words or actions matters not. Think about that

 

OP, stand firm in your truth. This young lady is not the right person for you. Opportunities abound, as does life. Enjoy it. If you find yourself serially single in another decade, re-examine

[Dexter Morgan]

Where the hell is he demanding anything? Yeah, from that stage, he could have worded things a bit better, but at least he's being honest. He's giving her a choice - either no games or no Steelrain.

 

I see absolutely nothing wrong in the way he stated it given the slap in the face she gave him by throwing another man in his face without provocation.

 

And don't say she isn't throwing another man in his face. She indicated to him that she is thinking about the other guy. She didn't say, "another man is pursuing me, but I am not wanting his advances".

 

And for those saying she didn't bring up the other guy to play games with him, but rather to see where he stands with her, lets not forget that he said that this was what was said:

 

"She said she feels bad because she really does like me, but she's confused about what to do and doesn't want to see both of us at the same time"

 

so yes, she isn't trying to see where she stands with him, but she is actually considering the other guy. So I think his response was perfectly acceptable and appropriate.

[Star Gazer]

Was that last post a joke? If it wasn't, then you really need to stop taking what guys say so hard and take their words for their face value. It ain't Steelrain's problem that you or other women try to find the worst possible interpretation no matter what guys say.

 

Clearly you don't understand the psychology behind sending messages and their interpretation.

 

You can't control the way your message is perceived, but you can control the way it's presented so as to communicate the way you intended.

 

He failed miserably here.

[Star Gazer]

You guys act like he used these words:

 

"I like you, and I want to only see you. I wouldn't be comfortable at this point continuing to date you if you're still interested in seeing other people. What are your thoughts?"

 

He didn't say that.

 

Instead, he said, "I don't like your drama, get back to me when you've decided you only want me and maybe if you're lucky I'll be around to entertain the thought."

 

 

The SUBSTANCE is the same. The message is entirely different. If you can't see that, well then.......

[carhill]

Clearly you don't understand the psychology behind sending messages and their interpretation.

 

It's called the "sunshine, meet rectum" theory

 

Used by nice friend-zoned guys everywhere.....

 

I've also experienced it with female salespeople who wish to part myself from my money

[bubblegum]

The only thing I didn't mention about that last conversation is at the end up of it she told me that she had been thinking of calling me up and seeing me last night but thought she probably she make up her mind what she wants first. I told her that was probably a good idea. I said I didn't want her spending the night or cuddling or anything like that until she figures out what she wants. I ended the convo by saying "So we'll talk when we both feel ready?" She agreed and my plan was going to lay low until she contacts me about talking or hanging out and I'll take it from there.

 

I wouldn't have a problem with telling her that I want to be more exclusive if I felt that it would go over well. I'm just not sure it is. Maybe that's what she wants, but if she's mostly after the attention of 2 guys then I doubt that my telling her I want to be exclusive will do much good.

 

I really see no evidence that she wants the attention of 2 guys. I don't see evidence that she even wants to date this other guy. I do see evidence that she's gunshy about directly asking for exclusivity. And I definately see evidence that she's very interested in you, Steelrain. I also think that she might be confused about what she wants because she's not sure exactly of what you want. It may be obvious to you, but might not be obvious to her. Her telling you that she thought about calling you up to come over the other night might have been a hint. You could've said, "oh well why don't you come over tonight so we can talk in person about this, figure out where we are together...". Letting her know you don't want cuddling, etc until she figures out what she wants is great, but you haven't really directly offered her exclusivity with you. The way you ended the convo may have felt like "I won't see you until I'm ready to talk to you about this." So she might lay low too, waiting for you, while you're laying low waiting for her.

 

I think this is a sweet thing really, you both really like each other but are letting assumptions based on insecurities hold you back from directly talking things through. And that's ok, it's normal, we all do it in some form or another.

 

If I were you Steelrain, I'd call her up and ask her to meet for lunch or coffee or whatever. That's not taking a big risk, it's not like you're running after her or playing into any "game" you worry she might be playing (which again, I don't see evidence of at this point). Then you two can talk and see each other's reaction to the idea of exclusivity and all that. If she's wishy-washy after you directly tell her you'd really like to date her exclusively, then you can lay low.