Girl just told me another guy is persuing her

[Steelrain21]

I didn't want her mistaking me not putting up with games with possibly being bitter about things for being the reason for not giving her much attention lately. I decided to send her an email and let her know what's been on my mind.

 

"i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time"

[xpaperxcutx]

I didn't want her mistaking me not putting up with games with possibly being bitter about things for being the reason for not giving her much attention lately. I decided to send her an email and let her know what's been on my mind.

 

"i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time"

 

Harsh, but blunt. But that last sentence seems like you'll only make time for her on your own terms. You need a rewrite.

[bubblegum]

I didn't want her mistaking me not putting up with games with possibly being bitter about things for being the reason for not giving her much attention lately. I decided to send her an email and let her know what's been on my mind.

 

"i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time"

 

xpaper is right, that's a bit harsh, you definately sound angry. And her asking about the pics on FB was her reaching out to you, not really that lame.

 

But it's good you said something about this, since it's clearly bothering you, whether you're overreacting a little or not.

[Steelrain21]

Just got an IM from her and she said that she read my message and still has some things to sort out. So I replied by saying: "That's cool, like I said though get back to me when you know what you want and I'll let you know if anything has changed with me."

 

Then I got back on here and seen that a the last too posters thought that was a bit harsh so I sent her one last IM saying "Didn't mean for that to sound too blunt. We can talk about things when you're ready if we both still want to."

 

I figure now I'll lay low and won't do anything else to go out of my way to talk to her. I'm thinking I should let her come to me when she's figured more stuff out.

[RecordProducer]

"i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time"

Now that was really great. Mister, you sure can handle these things with a lot of grace and gentlemanship. I think what you told her was really good. You are doing just fine and you shouldn't be distracted by people who think it's too harsh.

 

There is no excuse for her telling you that she wants to date another guy at the same time. She can do it, but suggesting that you should fight for her is a bit off.

 

Just got an IM from her and she said that she read my message and still has some things to sort out. So I replied by saying: "That's cool, like I said though get back to me when you know what you want and I'll let you know if anything has changed with me."

I would be grossed out by her response. Sort things out? F her! She either likes you or she doesn't. It's very simple. I mean, keep your mind and heart open but this girl sounds like bad news. I'd tell her to take a hike. That's THE BEST way to have HER chase after YOU. Trust me, baby.

 

I sent her one last IM saying "Didn't mean for that to sound too blunt. We can talk about things when you're ready if we both still want to."

That was perfect and even more blunt than the previous message. You basically did tell her to take a hike until you're BOTH ready to be together.

 

I always want to believe that there is something good in people, but she's being a bitch. I hope she changes because you really like her, so I want things to work out between you two. You sound like a great guy.

[Star Gazer]

Your email was ridiculously harsh. I actually winced. I can't imagine how she felt, seeing as it's obvious she likes you.

 

Your follow up IM after reading our posts didn't help either, IMO. The "if we both still want to" part was unnecessary, and is yet another, "I'll talk to you if/when I want to" (aka "on MY terms") type statement just in different clothes.

 

Also, for future reference, nothing about this is "drama." The quickest way to piss off a girl is to tell her that she's drama or bringing drama or any of its derivatives.

[bubblegum]

Recordproducer, was your last post serious or sarcastic?

[RecordProducer]

Your email was ridiculously harsh. I actually winced. I can't imagine how she felt, seeing as it's obvious she likes you.

 

Your follow up IM after reading our posts didn't help either, IMO. The "if we both still want to" part was unnecessary, and is yet another, "I'll talk to you if/when I want to" (aka "on MY terms") type statement just in different clothes.

 

Also, for future reference, nothing about this is "drama." The quickest way to piss off a girl is to tell her that she's drama or bringing drama or any of its derivatives.

How would YOU feel if a guy told you there was another girl he wanted to puruse (or she pursued him)? You just started a thread about your anxiety about your new BF seeing other people, for god's sake! And this was just a possibility, not real seeing other people. How would you feel if he let you know there was a specific person he wanted to go for and "sort things out" before he knew what to do with you. Would you tell him "Oh, Ok, let me know if you choose me, cuz you're worth waiting for and you certainly deserve for me to fight for you"?

 

Well, let me tell you, I'd kick this person out of my life for good. If he's not sure he wants to be with me, he doesn't really like me. You don't have to fight for somebody's attention - if they don't like you enough to pursue a relationship with you, they should be history.

 

She is causing drama. What does it mean "So you don't want to fight for me?" I'd tell her "F U, who the hell do you think you are?" Neah, I'd just stop seeing them. She'll expect from him to fight for her when they're married, too (whomever she marries). There are girls out there who don't do this sh*t. And she does it. "Another guy pursuing me and I don't know what to do..." Like... keep your legs closed?

 

Anyone who's mentioning other people pursuing them is playing games and nobody will convince me that it's some form of sincerity. If you're sincere, you'll pursue one person at a time.

Recordproducer, was your last post serious or sarcastic?

Huh? It was ABSOLUTELY serious!

 

Steelrain, I think you should do what your heart tells you to do. If you don't feel comfortable with something, don't put yourself in a position to please someone else and resent yourself later. It's as simple as that. Anything that you do against your feelings is fake and detrimental for your psyche. Not to mention that it won't yield any good results in the long run.

[Star Gazer]

How would YOU feel if a guy told you there was another girl he wanted to puruse (or she pursued him)? You just started a thread about your anxiety about your new BF seeing other people, for god's sake! And this was just a possibility, not real seeing other people.

 

First and most importantly, he was not and never was my BF. Secondly, he was seeing other people, I was and remain certain of it - it wasn't just a possibility. Did it make me nervous? Sure. But did you see me sending him a nastygram about it? No. THAT would have been "drama."

 

This girl was HONEST about the fact that she is interested in more than one person. There is NOTHING wrong with her feelings or her desire to date around until she is ready for a commitment, and she should be commended for being honest about it.

 

I still hold firm that his email to her was rude.

[PrincessPeach]

First and most importantly, he was not and never was my BF. Secondly, he was seeing other people, I was and remain certain of it - it wasn't just a possibility. Did it make me nervous? Sure. But did you see me sending him a nastygram about it? No. THAT would have been "drama."

 

This girl was HONEST about the fact that she is interested in more than one person. There is NOTHING wrong with her feelings or her desire to date around until she is ready for a commitment, and she should be commended for being honest about it.

 

I still hold firm that his email to her was rude.

Actually she was not being honest about being interested in more than one person... she might not be interested in him at all. The only thing she said was that he was interested in her. Which actually can be considered drama, it has nothing to do with her feelings, it's just dragging another person into the picture which she nor him have specified feeling about.

 

I will agree that bringing up "drama" is going to upset most any girl (even if it really is drama). So that should probably be avoided anyway.

[RecordProducer]

First and most importantly, he was not and never was my BF. Secondly, he was seeing other people, I was and remain certain of it - it wasn't just a possibility. Did it make me nervous? Sure. But did you see me sending him a nastygram about it? No. THAT would have been "drama."

 

This girl was HONEST about the fact that she is interested in more than one person. There is NOTHING wrong with her feelings or her desire to date around until she is ready for a commitment, and she should be commended for being honest about it.

 

I still hold firm that his email to her was rude.

I understand what you're saying, but the facts are not the ones you stated. If she were REALLY seeing this guy and our guy found out and caused drama, I would agree with you 100%. But she introduced the other guy's interest to her relationship with our guy and explicitly asked him if he's (not) going to fight for her. SHE caused drama. She wanted him to fight for her. Imagine if your guys asked you to fight for him; how would you feel? I would never look again at a person who expects me to fight for him.

 

What they do when they're not with me is their business and it should stay THEIR business. She made it HIS business - that's the whole point. And when he was cool about it, she wasn't content, she wanted a fight (drama). And when he said he wouldn't fight, she continued to bring the other guy up stating she needed to "sort things out." She's playing games, there's no doubt about that. She might be sincere, but in that case it means she's interested in the other guy and not that interested in our guy. It could totally be her ex-BF whom she wants to make jealous by using our guy and she needs him to fight for her (with her ex-BF) to show the ex-BF what a good catch she is.

[Steelrain21]

I appreciate your perspective on things Stargazer, I like hearing all opinions of the situation. I respect what you've said but I think I still disagree with you. I don't feel like I was too terribly rude with my email. I told her how I felt about her and I made it clear that I didn't want to be involved with a girl if she's confused between me and someone else. I told her I wanted things to keep going with us.

 

I wasn't being selfish when I told her to come back when we're both ready to talk. If she came back before she was ready to be totally into me, who's to say she wouldn't change her mind? I don't want to hang out and get closer to her if she's going to tell me she's still confused a few days later. That will make things harder on both of us.

 

Let's say I'm wrong and maybe I overreacted to a girl that went about the wrong way to find out how much I liked her. Even if that's true, I think it's terribly immature to do it in the way she did. Why would I want to be with someone that can't express simple feelings or concerns directly with me? That relationship would never work. I don't think I did anything wrong. I laid out her options and said I'd respect her choice. If she's so confused she can choose whatever she wants to.

 

Once again then I just want to say thanks for all the different perspectives, I promise I'm reading them all with an open mind!

[kashmir]

Your email was ridiculously harsh. I actually winced. I can't imagine how she felt, seeing as it's obvious she likes you.

 

Your follow up IM after reading our posts didn't help either, IMO. The "if we both still want to" part was unnecessary, and is yet another, "I'll talk to you if/when I want to" (aka "on MY terms") type statement just in different clothes.

 

Also, for future reference, nothing about this is "drama." The quickest way to piss off a girl is to tell her that she's drama or bringing drama or any of its derivatives.

 

Wow. The guy is showing he has a backbone and being firm and you're calling him rude and harsh? She's the one that started all of this. She's the one that implied that they were going to play by her rules by making the "fighting" statement. He's merely saying, "Look, I like you, and you probably like me, but this is going nowhere unless we avoid all the bullcrap." Don't girls want guys to be HONEST and not to play games? Seriously, if you're calling him rude, then that suggests to me that you can't take men who stand up for themselves and don't automatically agree with everything a girl says or does.

 

And I'd like to hear what your idea of an acceptable and polite email would be.

[Trialbyfire]

Steelrain, the part I'm confused about is that the two of you aren't in an exclusive relationship and yet, you're making a big deal about her dating more than one person. If you want to be exclusive, you can ask her. If you don't want to date anyone who's multi-dating, that's okay too. Just cut all contact. I don't understand the drama, from the two of you.

[CommitmentPhobe]

Good job dude. Now that's sincerity - not only a skill which will serve you well but one which now makes you infinitely more attractive to her.

[Dexter Morgan]

Don't worry, I'm not going to "fight" for her. Nobody should ever feel like they're on trial or in a competition to win somebody over.

 

I agree, either a woman wants to be with me, or they don't. I don't play games.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hey guys, cut this girl a little slack! It's quite possible she brought up the other guy as an indirect way of asking where she and Steelrain are in this young romance.

 

So the way to find out where one stands in a relationship is by risking pissing the other off?

 

If I want to find out where I stand with someone, I'll talk to them about it.

 

I'm not going to try to make them jealous.

 

And if what you said is true, whats with the "so you're not a fighter" comment?

[berrieh]

I didn't want her mistaking me not putting up with games with possibly being bitter about things for being the reason for not giving her much attention lately. I decided to send her an email and let her know what's been on my mind.

 

"i'll be honest with you, i don't like games and i don't play games. if you like me and are worried about anything you can talk to me and be yourself. if you like someone else then go be with them, there's girls out there that don't have drama like this. i do like you and want things to keep going with us. either you like me and want to persue things with me or you don't, i'm fine with whatever you choose. get back to me if you ever make up your mind and i'll tell you how i feel at that time"

 

But you're playing a game, too, since you just said: "i'll tell you how i feel at that time" That's my only issue here. You didn't really take the complete high-road, because you built in this weird, game-y incentive for her to come forward.

 

Frankly, this girl sounds a few marbles short at the moment (perhaps her ex really did do a number on her?). Between wanting you to fight for her and the passive agressive texts, she sounds like she's not approaching this from a healthy place.

 

I believe: She introduced the other male originally because she wanted you to ask her to be exclusive. You make her nervous. You didn't call or text after her spending the night, and that apparently set off the nervous bomb. She doesn't have the emotional capacity to handle it right now, so it's bleeding all over the place, and she's asking for all sorts of reassurances.

 

Your decision: Would be whether she's still worth it, despite her insecurities. This message doesn't make that decision. If you were to offer her an exclusive relationship, I believe she would take it. Is that what you want? What do you want?

 

Sure, she doesn't seem to be straightforward in what she wants, but neither are you, really, so far as I can tell. She's just more visibly floundering with it, for whatever reason.

 

Yes, she probably will be some drama in a relationship, but most likely, less than she is now. She'll be some 'drama' until she learns to better handle her emotions when she's unsure of a situation, as she is with you. That comes with time and loss.

[Dexter Morgan]

Why does it have to be a "test" to see who puts up with the most BS? Why can't it be a "test" to see who puts up with the least BS? The one that has a backbone, is not afraid to stand up for himself, and is confident and secure in who he is.

 

If it is a test to see who puts up with the LEAST BS, then that is counterproductive. Because the one that puts up with the least will probably tell her to screw off and he will then no longer be an option for her, and then she is left with the lapdog.

 

So really it all comes back to who puts up with the most.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, Steelrain is playing into the game and adding to the drama. Just don't bother if you don't want her. If you do, make it happen. What I'm seeing is a game of egos. A waste of both your time.

[bubblegum]

Berrieh and TBF make good points. When reading the Steelrains thread starter, I was under the impression that he and this girl were just talking casually, it wasn't heated or emotional at all. She brought up this other guy, Steelrain responded coolly, so she said something silly like "so you're not a fighter." I could see myself say something like that if I brought up a subject indirectly (dating exclusively) because I was nervous about it, and when the guy acted coolly in response I might just blurt something out like that to cover up disappointment, confusion or whatever I was feeling/thinking. The way it was laid out, I don't think it's necessary at all to conclude she was intentionally creating drama. I think she's unsure and nervous in relation to Steelrain.

 

I like the jist of your responses to her Steelrain, and I don't think they were rude exactly. Just a bit cold and angry sounding. Which makes me think you are experiencing more emotions about this budding romance with her than you are allowing her to see.

 

And very importantly, as some have pointed out, you two are not exclusive. I don't think she was trying to create competition or have anyone fight for her (from what Steelrain's said). She's into you Steelrain! But if you don't like how she handles things, and you're not willing to sit down with her face to face and talk to her about how each of you handle things (she beats around the bush and you withdraw), then cut all losses and bail.

[IrishCarBomb]

Yes, Steelrain is playing into the game and adding to the drama. Just don't bother if you don't want her. If you do, make it happen. What I'm seeing is a game of egos. A waste of both your time.

 

She shoots... she scores!

[Dexter Morgan]

Yes, Steelrain is playing into the game and adding to the drama. Just don't bother if you don't want her. If you do, make it happen. What I'm seeing is a game of egos. A waste of both your time.

 

Doesn't have anything to do with his ego.

 

It has to do with not wanting someone who is interested in playing games. Not wanting someone who wants an ego boost by two guys fighting over her.

[berrieh]

Doesn't have anything to do with his ego.

 

It has to do with not wanting someone who is interested in playing games. Not wanting someone who wants an ego boost by two guys fighting over her.

 

If Steelrain didn't want her, it wouldn't be drama. He would have just told her that honestly and gone NC.

 

It's also an assumption that what she wants is 2 guys fighting over her. I maintain that what she wants is for Steelrain to express that he wants exclusivity.

 

He played into the game. He chose to do that. He might have been playing his own game, before she even brought that up.

 

It looks like a game of chicken to me, where both likes each other but neither wants to be the one who's too vulnerable. Bah.

[Dexter Morgan]

If Steelrain didn't want her, it wouldn't be drama. He would have just told her that honestly and gone NC.

 

It's also an assumption that what she wants is 2 guys fighting over her. I maintain that what she wants is for Steelrain to express that he wants exclusivity.

 

Well thats a sh###y way to go about it. She is lucky he didn't slam a door in her face.

 

I can't imagine wanting to be with a woman, but to see where I stand with her telling her, "oh, by the way, another woman likes me and I think I like her, you willing to fight for me?" I'd have to be out of my freakin' head.