Steelrain21 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 This one girl and I have been starting to get to know each other over only just a short time of a couple weeks. She's come over and spent the night a few times, and things seemed like they were progressing pretty well. She got out of a long relationship with a really bad ex 2 and a half months ago and has been telling me that she is really apprehensive of guys. I don't feel I've been pushing her into anything at all, things have mutually just seemed to fall into place. Anyways, a couple days ago she tells me that there's another guy persuing her. She said she feels bad because she really does like me, but she's confused about what to do and doesn't want to see both of us at the same time. I told her that I'm not the type that is going to change anything about myself because there's someone else in the picture. I told her that I liked her too and that I was liking where things were going. I said that she should have a pretty good idea of what I'm about and if she wants to keep things going with us that I'd like that but if not that I'd still live. She replied to that by saying "oh, so you're not a fighter, huh?" I didn't really pay much attention to it. I figured that she said that because she probably wanted me to get really jealous and start chasing after her hard and was disappointed when I didn't play along. I think I like this girl a little bit more than I had originally thought so I'd like things to be able to work out if it's possibility. Any thoughts?
refurb Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think you handled it pretty well if you ask me. RF
bubblegum Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 She may have told you about the other guy in order to guage your feelings for her, to see if you'd push for exclusivity or go the other direction and be like "great, I'm dating this other hottie too!". Her comment about you not being a fighter might not mean that she was disappointed over your apparent lack of jealousy, etc, it could've been a teasing comment, who knows. If you were being totally honest about your feelings regarding how things are moving along with her, good, you handled it properly. Is she going to date the other guy while seeing you? Would that bother you?
Author Steelrain21 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 I thought that since we hadn't been hanging out for too long that it wouldn't bother me too much, but yeah it would get to me a little if she started hanging out with that other guy. If this was any other girl I'd think that staying confident that I like her but if she's not going to want things then I'm totally ok with that would be the way to go. Right before this happened though, I could tell that she was probably really afraid to get involved with someone else again and possibly get hurt. So I'm a little confused if she needs more attention and reassurance that I care and would be a good guy to get involved with. Then again she could just be liking the attention of two different guys since her last guy memory was one that trashed her pretty good. It all just took me by surprise because one second she's acting like she needs security with me and now it seems like maybe she's starving for attention. I'm leaning towards playing it cool and not going out of my way to talk to her. I'm thinking she wants me to chase her and probably expects it after telling about another guy. If she likes me I figured she'll start wondering why I've stopped going after her and she'll start coming back after me. Like I said before, it'd be cool if things could work out with us....I was having a good time with her before this happened.
kashmir Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 "oh, so you're not a fighter, huh?" Wow, if a girl told me this in this situation then I'd tell her, "I'm a fighter, just not for you." Seriously, what an immature thing to say. She's essentially screaming, "I WANT GUYS TO FIGHT OVER ME! I WANT ATTENTION!!!" You did the right thing by not playing into her game. She will do either one of two things: A) She will become even more attracted to you because you're showing her that you have a spine and you're not willing to change to please her. She will break her little game and go for you. or B) She'll go for the other guy because he want to "fight" for her. In that case, she's not worth your time and that other guy will eventually have a burden on his back.
movingonandon Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Great job. You shouldn't ve dine anything differently. Do not change anything, perhaps limit contact somewhat, but that's it.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Anyways, a couple days ago she tells me that there's another guy persuing her. She said she feels bad because she really does like me, but she's confused about what to do and doesn't want to see both of us at the same time. Well, you can't be mad at her, because she is being completely honest and telling you before anything happened. But you can make the decision for her and break it off. You don't deserve to be put on the sidelines while she makes up her mind. Or tell her, "ok, come back when you have made a decision". But don't sit there and wait for her, live your life. She replied to that by saying "oh, so you're not a fighter, huh?" What is it about women that think we have to fight for them, like they are the ultimate prize? Like if they tell us they have affections for someone else, that we are to turn into some whipped lapdog and beg for their company instead of telling them they aren't worth it? Sorry, there are tons of women out there. You think that if you told her that there is another girl you are considering that she wouldn't walk right out the door? I didn't really pay much attention to it. I figured that she said that because she probably wanted me to get really jealous and start chasing after her If that is true, don't bother with women that want to make you jealous. Its one thing to show that you care by being jealous if something happens that isn't her fault, like some guy coming on to her, but she rejects them. But to be jealous because she is wanting you to by being smitten with another guy? don't bother. hard and was disappointed when I didn't play along. Thats because she thinks she is all that and should be able to play two guys against each other. I think I like this girl a little bit more than I had originally thought so I'd like things to be able to work out if it's possibility. Any thoughts? Hey, if you want to fight for her, go for it. But if the other guy wins, or you win and she pulls this again in the future, don't say I didn't warn ya.
Dexter Morgan Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 wow, if a girl told me this in this situation then i'd tell her, "i'm a fighter, just not for you." seriously, what an immature thing to say. She's essentially screaming, "i want guys to fight over me! I want attention!!!" bingo!!!!!!!
Author Steelrain21 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Hey, if you want to fight for her, go for it. But if the other guy wins, or you win and she pulls this again in the future, don't say I didn't warn ya. Don't worry, I'm not going to "fight" for her. Nobody should ever feel like they're on trial or in a competition to win somebody over. My philosophy with this thing is that she should have a good idea of who I am, and I already told her how I felt. If she wants to choose to pursue things with me that's cool, but if she doesn't then I'm fine with that also.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 She replied to that by saying "oh, so you're not a fighter, huh?" Another good reply: "I fight when it's worthwhile, but I don't play bullshyt little games. Especially not when the prize is ME."
PrincessPeach Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 You handled it well. She may have thought she wanted to get you jealous or to fight for her. But we ladies don't always realize that what we actually want isn't what we think we want. Guys that want to "fight" for girls are LESS attractive. It shows that they have insecurity and it also means they might just let themselves be walked all over. If they don't want to fight for the girl it makes them more confident, manly and more of a challenge. In attraction, being somewhat of a challenge is attractive on both sides. It keeps things interetsing. Your response also shows that you can be yourself and that you don't depend upon somone else for your happiness which is GOOD and another very attractive quality.
bubblegum Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Hey guys, cut this girl a little slack! It's quite possible she brought up the other guy as an indirect way of asking where she and Steelrain are in this young romance. It's not necessarily true that she's playing games or really wanting him to get jealous and "fight" for her. I agree that it's odd that she mentioned this other guy at all, I wouldn't do something like that because it's insensitive. But she may not be too skilled at dating or bringing up issues of relationship "status." Steelrain, I wouldn't pull away from her at all. At least behave just as you have been doing, but if this info about the other guy has made you realize that you do care for her a bit more than you thought you did, go ahead and show her. Showing her wouldn't be because of any "competition" between anyone, it would be because you realize she's a little more significant to you than you thought a week ago (or whatever). Obviously she does want to pursue things with you, otherwise she wouldn't have mentioned the other guy at all and would simply stop seeing you and hang out with him. I think she could just have been testing the waters, even though it wasn't the best way to do it. And you're right, I'm sure she is hesitant and confused due to her recent breakup. Offering her some sweet reassurance that you're into her is a good thing!
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Guys always assume the worst when girls tell this to them. It could be for one of two reasons: She felt she was being upfront about it.She did want you to be jealous.Her final comment about the "fighter" bit could have been her disappointment that you didn't view her as worth fighting over. It doesn't mean that was her intent in the first place. Your reaction tells her that you value her only to a particular level of interest. This will do one of two things: She'll walk if the other guy is showing more interest.She'll come to you if she's more interested in you.As long as you're aware of the impact of your actions, it's all good.
movingonandon Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 But we ladies don't always realize that what we actually want isn't what we think we want. A hall of famer! If so, she should get the f*** of this guy's face and not come back until she has decided what she wants. In the meantime, he may have hooked up with a more respectful woman.
movingonandon Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 G Your reaction tells her that you value her only to a particular level of interest. there is only one level of interest a self-respecting guy would reach for, and it is the following: "I am interested in you". Beyond that, no sane guy will humiliate himself with trying to win a woman's affection or approval.
Author Steelrain21 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Thanks for all the replies, I think everyone has had some great things to say about the situation. I'm still very confused, at first I was leaning towards her just wanting attention, but I could also see how she could maybe be testing the waters a little bit. If that's the case though, she's testing them in a very wrong way and I don't think it'd be worth it to be with someone who can't express feelings in an upfront and direct way. The day after she spent the night for the first time (nothing much happened), I didn't talk to her because I didn't think it was a big deal. I was busy most of the day and I've learned my lesson a long time ago about coming on too strong with people. I got a text late that next night from her that said something like "Thanks for trying to get a hold of me today, I might as well just call you Casey (her ex)" The next time we hung out she just about cancelled at the last minute because she said that she heard from people that I was trying to get back together with my ex. We're both in a smaller town sized town so rumors kind of fly around. I told her that it was up to her if she still wanted to come over but it'd be nice if she'd listen to the one person who would know the truth. She decided to come over and spend the night and during the night I told her that I was glad that she decided not to listen to rumors and came over. She told me "yeah...just don't make me regret it." So maybe this whole thing really could be revolved around her trying to find out how I really feel about her. I figure if she likes me though that she'll come around and ask me to hang out without me having to possibly play into her attention seeking hands of that's what's up.
Trialbyfire Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 there is only one level of interest a self-respecting guy would reach for, and it is the following: "I am interested in you". Beyond that, no sane guy will humiliate himself with trying to win a woman's affection or approval. I'm not interested in influencing his decision. Just laying out what I see. It's up to the OP to make his own decisions based on possibilities. His choice.
Stockalone Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Guys always assume the worst when girls tell this to them. As we very well should be. [*]She felt she was being upfront about it. Which means her interest level in the guy is also questionable at best. [*]She did want you to be jealous. Her final comment about the "fighter" bit could have been her disappointment that you didn't view her as worth fighting over. It doesn't mean that was her intent in the first place. That means she likes to play games, put the guys through a bunch of tests to see who will put up with the most BS. Your reaction tells her that you value her only to a particular level of interest. Personally, I wouldn't even keep dating her. From the perspective of a man who doesn't multidate, it's not worth it to play along to find out who is the last man standing (aka the guy who will put up with the most BS tests). At the very least, her actions tell a man that her level of interest can't be that high either.
Author Steelrain21 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 I'm in college and was putting off studying a little just now to check my facebook account, I'm not sure how many here are familiar with it or not. Anyways, she had just uploaded a couple pictures of me (she's not even really in any of them), and she sent me a message telling me that she put a few pictures up of me and she hopes it's ok and that she can take them off if I want. I'm thinking to myself what's the point of even asking that? I had been logged on a couple other times today while she was on and didn't talk to her. I'm not trying to play games with her, I just don't want to go out of my way to talk to her if it's pointless. I see that message she sent me as a lame excuse to try to get me to talk to her since I hadn't the other times today. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I just told her "That's cool." She didn't answer back and I got offline about 5 minutes later. This girl is 22 years old, but she's reminding me of dating back when I was 16.
PrincessPeach Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 That means she likes to play games, put the guys through a bunch of tests to see who will put up with the most BS. Why does it have to be a "test" to see who puts up with the most BS? Why can't it be a "test" to see who puts up with the least BS? The one that has a backbone, is not afraid to stand up for himself, and is confident and secure in who he is. If you think something like this is a test... it isn't to see how much BS someone will put up with, it can just as likely be to make sure our man can think for himself. The attractive men aren't the ones who put up with a bunch of BS. We get tired of men like that easily (though a lot of girls are insecure and will stay with them because they are afraid they won't be able to find anyone else). The good men are the ones who don't put up with the BS, and those men know it.
PrincessPeach Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I'm in college and was putting off studying a little just now to check my facebook account, I'm not sure how many here are familiar with it or not. Anyways, she had just uploaded a couple pictures of me (she's not even really in any of them), and she sent me a message telling me that she put a few pictures up of me and she hopes it's ok and that she can take them off if I want. I'm thinking to myself what's the point of even asking that? I had been logged on a couple other times today while she was on and didn't talk to her. I'm not trying to play games with her, I just don't want to go out of my way to talk to her if it's pointless. I see that message she sent me as a lame excuse to try to get me to talk to her since I hadn't the other times today. Maybe I'm wrong, I don't know. I just told her "That's cool." She didn't answer back and I got offline about 5 minutes later. This girl is 22 years old, but she's reminding me of dating back when I was 16. She likes you... more than the other guy she mentioned for sure. The way you act and are makes you the better catch to her. If you like her, just be who you are and have been; it's been working so far. A big mistake a lot of people make is they start acting differently when they think they have the guy/girl. But they don't realize that part of what attracted that person to them in the first place was who they were before they got the guy/girl and when they change they may be removing a part of themselves that the other found attractive.
Stockalone Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Why does it have to be a "test" to see who puts up with the most BS? Why can't it be a "test" to see who puts up with the least BS? The one that has a backbone, is not afraid to stand up for himself, and is confident and secure in who he is. Granted, my experience in this is limited. I have dated only two women who told me they were dating other men. That was fine by me. I told them not to worry as I will gladly remove myself from the equation. Then they told me that I was being unreasonable. If that was a test to see which guy has a backbone, I don't understand it. If you think something like this is a test... it isn't to see how much BS someone will put up with, it can just as likely be to make sure our man can think for himself. I am sorry, but I don't understand that. What do you mean?
xpaperxcutx Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 She does like you Steelrain, otherwise she wouldn't go through all that trouble of getting you to pay attention to her. Although I have to say that her manipulations are backfiring on her. I believe there should be a middle ground in this somewhere. At least to me, I think she's only using these so- called "attention getting tactics" because that's the only she's been able to get guys to like her? Maybe you should just be straight forward with her and tell her that if she wants to pursue anything with you, she can just be herself. then there wouldn't be so much misunderstanding and gameplaying involved.
PrincessPeach Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I am sorry, but I don't understand that. What do you mean? I don't know how better to explain it... what don't you understand? It seems quite straightforward to me. Sure it can be a test to see who puts up with the most BS... what I'm saying is that could very well be the LOSER of the test, not the winner. You pass the test by NOT falling into going along or putting up with the BS. Someone who is putting up with loads of BS is not thinking for himself, is insecure and/or likely has little backbone. Why else would he be putting up with a bunch of BS?
RecordProducer Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 She replied to that by saying "oh, so you're not a fighter, huh?" I didn't really pay much attention to it. I figured that she said that because she probably wanted me to get really jealous and start chasing after her hard and was disappointed when I didn't play along. I think I like this girl a little bit more than I had originally thought so I'd like things to be able to work out if it's possibility. Any thoughts?Don't assume what it meant. What you told her was the right thing. I assume she said that because she wants to be exclusive and wants to induce you to suggest it. If she didn't care about you, she would've never told you about the other guy. As a matter of fact, if she liked him, she would've made sure she doesn't mention him so she can have free space to test him at the same time. But she just said he's pursuing her and I even wonder if such a guy really exists. If I were you, I would tell her "Well, let me know if you want to pursue him too so I can get out of the picture." Show her that you have self-respect and you're not going to fight for someone you just met. Let her wonder if you have a line of girls waiting for you. (but don't say anything like that to her)
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