Author Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 The "helping hand" comments sank home for me. Reasonability of help level, for myself personally, does matter. Helping hand means short-term help v. a lifetime of help. If I can't get my act together or don't want to, this means we have a compatibility issue. Once again, each person is different. You decide which one works for you.
grogster Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 The problem lies in asymmetric motivation. The fixer, for whatever reason, is more motivated than the fixee to salvage the relationship. The trick is to get the fixee to care about the relationship as much as the fixer. That's very hard to do. Shame, guilt, drugs, sex, counseling, advice, nostalgia are all prods to raise the fixee's motivation, or capacity to care, about the relationship. Some prods work better than others. In the long run, nothing works except possibly time. When you marry you roll the dice. You make a calculated judgment that over many years there will exist within the relationship a rough parity of care; an equilibrium of affect. Often, that's not the case. People change and consequently so do their marriages. Marriages die not because people are evil, but because they're human.
Touche Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 "Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you?" My response to the above and to this general discussion is this: Who decides who is the fixer and needs fixing? It's all pretty subjective, isn't it? Once you get into that kind of dynamic (who is the fixer and who is the fixee) you get into a destructive power play. So if you even have to THINK in those terms, your relationship is doomed. Either accept your partner the way he/she is, or forget it. I also want to say that in regard to all this 50/50 stuff..no. In order for a relationship to succeed we each have to give 100/100 percent...not 50/50. Of course no one can maintain 100/100...in that case, it's like someone already pointed out here i.e. when one isn't at their best, the other puts forth more effort/understanding/patience, humor, etc. It's the only way.
mental_traveller Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Another thread spawned this one, in that there are different kinds of people, with different relationship needs. In the other thread, a woman tried everything and her husband was despondent and only reacted to ultimatum, albeit inconclusively. She wondered if her reasons were valid enough to leave. There are people who feel that one partner should put more heart and soul into the marriage/relationship, to try to "fix" the other partner. I'm not that type of person. I believe that each partner is responsible for themselves which includes fueling their own 50% of the marriage/relationship. If one partner stops fueling and you've discussed the reasonable needs to exhaustion, I believe it's valid reason to walk. There are no valid reasons for cheating. What kind of person are you? Do you believe that one partner should "fix" the other partner consistently, at their own expense? Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you? Are their gender differences? Do men feel that women are responsible for the relationship? Do women feel that men are responsible for the relationship? I agree more with your view. It's possible to assist your partner and support him or her, but ultimately the change has to come from them, they have to want it and be determined enough to make it last. You can't "fix" them if they won't fix themselves IMO. For me the question is more whether relationships are about finding one well-suited person and sticking together happily for life, or finding people you like, staying together as long as it feels good, then moving on when it doesn't. I'd like to think the former is possible for all of us, but I've only seen it work for a minority of people.
Star Gazer Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you? In many ways I consider myself the broken partner. I don't expect any partner to "fix" me. What I do expect is a higher level of understanding, patience, and trust to allow me to grow and fix myself. For example, I have this issue of worrying if someone's going to disappear from my life. As such, I have a tendency to get periodically clingy. If a guy knows my history and knows why I behave this way, I need him to be tolerant of my anxiety for a while until I get comfortable and know that he's not going to disappear on me the way others have. I also do the same for my SO. IME, the most common issue amongst "broken" men I've dated is cheating. So I voluntarily make myself available and accountable until they're confident that I'm not going to stray.
jerbear Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you? Are their gender differences? Do men feel that women are responsible for the relationship? Do women feel that men are responsible for the relationship? I've had my share of being the broken partner and having a broken partner at times. I also believe the SO is not 100% responsible for fixing you. I do believe the SO should provide guidance and set some expectations. I think both parties are responsible for the relationship. Last I checked it still requires at least 2 people to have a relationship.
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