What's Your View on Relationships?

[Trialbyfire]

Another thread spawned this one, in that there are different kinds of people, with different relationship needs.

 

In the other thread, a woman tried everything and her husband was despondent and only reacted to ultimatum, albeit inconclusively. She wondered if her reasons were valid enough to leave.

 

There are people who feel that one partner should put more heart and soul into the marriage/relationship, to try to "fix" the other partner. I'm not that type of person. I believe that each partner is responsible for themselves which includes fueling their own 50% of the marriage/relationship. If one partner stops fueling and you've discussed the reasonable needs to exhaustion, I believe it's valid reason to walk. There are no valid reasons for cheating.

 

What kind of person are you? Do you believe that one partner should "fix" the other partner consistently, at their own expense?

 

Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you?

 

Are their gender differences? Do men feel that women are responsible for the relationship? Do women feel that men are responsible for the relationship?

[Geishawhelk]

I believe that each partner is responsible for themselves which includes fueling their own 50% of the marriage/relationship.

Agreed.

If one partner stops fueling and you've discussed the reasonable needs to exhaustion, I believe it's valid reason to walk. There are no valid reasons for cheating.

 

Once again, I agree.

 

What kind of person are you? Do you believe that one partner should "fix" the other partner consistently, at their own expense?

 

Absolutely not. Every person is not only responsible for their own actions, but also their own re-actions, perceptions and attitudes.

 

Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you?

No......... but it depends whether there is a significant factor in the spouse's behaviour that is sufficiently present to warrant a demand that they fix themselves... Or else I'll need fixing......

 

Are their gender differences? Do men feel that women are responsible for the relationship? Do women feel that men are responsible for the relationship?

No. But there is a laxity and relaxation in a marriage.... I have seen it too many times. People stop making the effort to be the best person they can be, because it's a done deal.

As to gender differences, looking at the distressed and heart-wrenching posts from people who have been dumped and are in NC.... I'm getting less and less differences in emotional expression.

I think it has more to do with past experience and conditioning, than gender.

[Kasan]

Interesting thread here..........

 

If I was the broken party in my marriage would I know it?

 

Would I expect my husband to "fix" me? Perhaps, depending on why I was broken, the length of the marriage, did we have young children...........

 

If he were broken would I try to "fix" him? Of course, I would exhaust every avenue that I had available to me.

 

For me, it's the "for better or worse" part of my vows.

 

If I exhausted all my resources to "fix" him and he wouldn't take an active roll in "fixing" himself, then all bets would be off.

 

I wouldn't want to spend the remainder of my days tied to a man who thought so little of himself and our marriage that he wouldn't fight for it. Nor would I expect him to stay either if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Let's face it, there are various degrees of being broken.........what might not be an issue for me, could be a huge issue for someone else.

 

I have been married a very long time, so I fully expect one of us to need "fixing" down the road. I'd like to think that I would be there for him, and he would be there for me.

[2sure]

Good question.

 

Both myself and my husband have faults. We are 40, we both have things about ourselves good and bad, that just seem to be an unchangable part of our nature. When things are going right - we compliment each other. And this give and take makes things go right most of the time.

 

I am bad with money. Awful, stupid, irresponsible. To be honest, I should just hand my paycheck over to him but he doesnt want to "be like that". I know its a huge big flaw in me. I screw up and he has to fix it, pretty much 100% of the time. So, I'm not pulling my weight there. No 50-50.

 

My husband gets absorbed in work, brings it home, and is away often and when he is home - is sometimes short or grumpy to myself or my daughter. When this happens, I used to give it to him RIGHT BACK. He admitted this was a flaw he had, that I needed to be the better person so a short remark doesnt lead to a full on argument. So, I give him that. I have to emotionally give more than him by putting my feelings aside. I am strong that way, he is not.

 

I dont think its ever 50-50, I think you bring what you can.

[corazoncito]

I only have a minute, but wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

 

I do think that relationships need to be more or less 50/50, but over the long-term average. It's not realistic to expect each person will be able to hold up their 50% every moment of every day. You're going to go through periods where one person may have to put out more than the other. But that should balance out over time as you take turns supporting one another. I think that's where trust and respect come in, knowing that while you're shouldering a greater share for the moment, you can count on your partner to do the same for you in the future.

[fral945]

What kind of person are you? Do you believe that one partner should "fix" the other partner consistently, at their own expense?

 

Ideally, yes each partner is responsible for themselves. But I've never had a 50/50 relationship in real life, even from women that claimed they wanted one.

 

I believe you put in effort on an as needed basis. I try to look at the big picture and try to avoid nitpicking and keeping count. I realize that no partnership is 50/50 unless you are keeping score, they fluctuate one way or the other depending on life situations. IMO, as long as it doesn't stray too far in either direction, I can deal with one where I may put in a bit more effort or vice versa, though I generally try to avoid being the lazier partner.

 

OTOH, I would never stay in a relationship where I was doing most of the work. A woman that expects me to wait on her hand and foot and cower to her constantly will get kicked to the curb quickly. I would expect them to feel the same way. I would feel uncomfortable in a relationship where the woman did most of the work or I was waited on hand and foot all the time.

 

Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you?

 

No. I have to make the changes myself. The only responsibility of my spouse is making me aware of the problem and possibly providing guidance on how I can get help.

 

Are their gender differences? Do men feel that women are responsible for the relationship? Do women feel that men are responsible for the relationship?

 

Yes. IMO the needier person who has the most invested is probably going to take more responsibility. In my case, it's always the woman. I don't see women as having to be more responsible for the relationship, but in general it takes place in that way. Like a ship captain, she guides me and steers the relationship, so to speak. I take the orders and carry out her commands (whether direct or indirect).

 

I have needs as well and make them known, but honestly my needs aren't that great from a woman. I have never been in a relationship where my needs exceeded the woman's.

[grogster]

In my marriage, I was the broken spouse. I never expected or wanted my betrayed wife to fix me (and, by extension, our imploding marriage). To withdraw emotionally and physically from a spouse and then expect the wronged spouse to fix things overlays arrogance on betrayal. It is chutzpah in the extreme. At least have the balls to take responsibility for f#cking-up your marriage.

 

As for being the fixer, people aren't contraptions. They can't be tinkered with, tweaked, re-booted and made brand new with a little elbow grease and the latest marriage-saving nostrums hawked by Oprah. Often, words and good intentions are not enough--especially after that tipping point is reached. In many cases, the fixer is pissing against the wind.

 

Relationships end. A marriage is a relationship. Marriages end. That's how things are and will be. All the Bibles, self-help books, and counseling in the world will not alter this tragic fact of life.

 

If someone has stopped acting like your spouse, and will (or can) not change, and you're chronically miserable as a result, exit. Start anew. There are second acts, and third...

 

Marriage should not become a life sentence.

[2sure]

Marriage should not become a life sentence.

 

Grogster - do you think you may marry again, ever?

If so, would you go in with the above quote in mind...like divorce is always an option?

I'm not disagreeing with you at all. Just curious.

[blind_otter]

I only have a minute, but wanted to throw in my 2 cents.

 

I do think that relationships need to be more or less 50/50, but over the long-term average. It's not realistic to expect each person will be able to hold up their 50% every moment of every day. You're going to go through periods where one person may have to put out more than the other. But that should balance out over time as you take turns supporting one another. I think that's where trust and respect come in, knowing that while you're shouldering a greater share for the moment, you can count on your partner to do the same for you in the future.

 

I agree with this POV. My parents were like that. In the beginning of their marriage, my father took care of my mother. She was learning english, getting an education, and she was emotionally unstable. In the latter part of their marriage, my mother took care of my father during his terminal illness. She used the nursing degrees she had earned with my father's support to care for him during the end of his life, and became emotionally strong and stable to give him the support he needed to deal with the end of his own life. It was a beautiful interplay, but one I only realized AFTER he passed away. During the process I was very critical of my mother, I admit.

 

Hindsight is always 20/20, of course. I just think that sometimes, one person will need the other more than at other times. It can't always be exactly 50/50, at every moment.

[marlena]

My experience is that if something is broken it can be mended but never truly fixed. The cracks will be there ready to break once again at the slightest hurdle.

 

I think that whether or not a relationship will work out is obvious right from the start if we have the clarity of mind to see the signs. Denial is never a good thing. One day, it wiill kick you in the arse, that's a guarantee. So, it is important to gadge compatability right from the start.

 

So my advice to young people especially would be to get out as soon as they detect the first warning signs of a troublesome union. People can not be fixed. It is an exercise in futility and a waste of precious time. On the other hand, if the going is good right from the start, then, yes, safeguard that relationship and cherish it.

[Trialbyfire]

I should also answer two of my own questions:

 

Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you?

Good lord NO! If I want to be fixed, I'll fix myself. It doesn't make me perfect, just someone that relies on self. I would hope that my partner would bring to light, reasonable needs that aren't being met. It's my choice to address those issues or not, just like it's their choice to accept a broken partner or to walk.

Are their gender differences? Do men feel that women are responsible for the relationship? Do women feel that men are responsible for the relationship?

I don't believe that either gender is responsible for the relationship, more than the other. You're both adults.

[marlena]

As for being the fixer, people aren't contraptions. They can't be tinkered with, tweaked, re-booted and made brand new with a little elbow grease and the latest marriage-saving nostrums hawked by Oprah. Often, words and good intentions are not enough--especially after that tipping point is reached. In many cases, the fixer is pissing against the wind.

 

 

I love this. You do have a way with words, groggie!

[Angel1111]

Relationships are great when they work, they're a living hell when they don't.

[Trialbyfire]

Hopefully people are going to post more views. There are no right or wrong views. Different strokes, et al.

 

I think this thread can help people realize what they need in relationships, enough that for a next partner selection, these are considerations, not just basing partner selection by solely hormonal selection.

[marlena]

enough that for a next partner selection, these are considerations, not just basing partner selection by solely hormonal selection.

 

I let my hormones get the best of me at 24 (OK, at other times, too) and I lived to regret it! So, if it's just hormones, have fun for a little while and WALK OUT early on before it is too late.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes! While hormones matter, if you're looking for something viably long-term, you also need to understand yourself, not just the other person.

 

For example, if you're someone who needs more from your partner, don't be looking to the highly independent individual. If you're an independent individual, stay away from someone who needs to take charge of you and the relationship, etc., etc.

[allina]

I'm not sure what people mean by "broken" spouse. I suppose my answer would depend on that. Each individual person has their own faults and ways of doing things, these faults don't make them broken and in need of fixing. If we're using the term broken spouse to describe someone very ill, an abuser, alcoholic or depressed it's a whole new scenario. In this case I do think it's the job of one spouse to help the spouse in need with support and whatever resources are needed, to a point. While people are not ours to "fix" I believe that true commitment does include having patience and compassion for a partner who is temporarily down or in need.

[fral945]

For example, if you're someone who needs more from your partner, don't be looking to the highly independent individual. If you're an independent individual, stay away from someone who needs to take charge of you and the relationship, etc., etc.

 

I disagree. I am highly independent and for that very reason am better suited to someone a bit needier and more dependent. I do not get along well with highly independent women from a relationship standpoint. That's why I generally avoid relationships with women that are careerists or highly career oriented.

 

Those statements would better apply in the business world, not male-female relationships.

[grogster]

I love this. You do have a way with words, groggie!

 

Thanks, marlena. Words are easier to manage than relationships.

[Stockalone]

What kind of person are you? Do you believe that one partner should "fix" the other partner consistently, at their own expense?

 

If the partner can be "fixed" in the long run, I believe it is worth it to spend some time helping/fixing your partner, even if it comes at your own expense.

 

 

Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you?

 

It's not their responsibility, but I'm the kind of guy who needs external incentives to not drift away into the "broken" state.

 

In a relationship, that is mostly achieved by the woman just being herself. I function a lot better if I have to think about more than myself. Being responsible for "us", as a team, is what keeps me motivated and ambitious.

 

That is actually true in all aspects of my life. I never had an interest in individual sports, but was fairly good in team sports.

 

I also know I could never be self-employed. Because as an individual, I am not ambitious, not driven enough.

 

So yes, I do need a partner who is willing to deal with the problems that arise frome some of my insecurities (e.g. I tend to be a bit jealous, so that needs to be addressed). Basically, I need someone who is willing to help me fix myself in the areas where I am lacking.

 

However, if I know that I can't "fix" myself even with her help, then I believe it is MY responsibility to "save" her from wasting anymore of her time and energy on me.

 

It would be incredibly selfish and cruel to let someone else suffer because of my own personal shortcomings.

[Stockalone]

What kind of person are you? Do you believe that one partner should "fix" the other partner consistently, at their own expense?

 

If the partner can be "fixed" in the long run, I believe it is worth it to spend some time helping/fixing your partner, even if it comes at your own expense.

 

 

Let's pretend you're the broken partner. Do you believe your spouse or SO is responsible for fixing you?

 

It's not their responsibility, but I'm the kind of guy who needs external incentives to not drift away into the "broken" state.

 

In a relationship, that is mostly achieved by the woman just being herself. I function a lot better if I have to think about more than myself. Being responsible for "us", as a team, is what keeps me motivated and ambitious.

 

That is actually true in all aspects of my life. I never had an interest in individual sports, but was fairly good in team sports.

 

I also know I could never be self-employed. Because as an individual, I am not ambitious, not driven enough.

 

So yes, I do need a partner who is willing to deal with the problems that arise from some of my insecurities (e.g. I tend to be a bit jealous, so that needs to be addressed). Basically, I need someone who is willing to help me fix myself in the areas where I am lacking.

 

However, if I know that I can't "fix" myself even with her help, then I believe it is MY responsibility to "save" her from wasting anymore of her time and energy on me.

 

It would be incredibly selfish and cruel to let someone else suffer (trying to fix what can't be fixed) because of my own personal shortcomings.

[melodymatters]

Yes! While hormones matter, if you're looking for something viably long-term, you also need to understand yourself, not just the other person.

 

For example, if you're someone who needs more from your partner, don't be looking to the highly independent individual. If you're an independent individual, stay away from someone who needs to take charge of you and the relationship, etc., etc.

 

 

As I have said numerous times, on numerous threads : We need to shop for the relationship , not the super coolest guy.

 

I KNOW I need : A lot of affection, a positive person who compliments 10 times more than they complain, someone relatively non judgemental, someone to whom the relationship between us is the "primary" relationship, and I'm sure a bunch more I can't think of.

 

On paper, my ex and I were a super couple, in reality we had SUCH different wants and needs that it was a living hell.

 

With my current partner, we come from different worlds, and generations even, but we click perfectly on the emotional needs from a relationship part.

 

And yes, I think most of the time partners change up their need level and deviate from the 50/50 rule, but as long as in the end it balances out, then it's all cool.

 

good thread TBF !

[Lishy]

I am a natural born 'fixer' I am emotionally strong and can keep a clear head and when I am in the wrong I am the first to admit it. However, I have learned through my last 2 relationships to never try to 'fix' someone other then myself! I learned the hard way and hope I am aware enough not to make the mistake again.

 

I dont know what I need apart from strong attraction and respect for a man who I love dearly and a man who loves me so much I can feel it.

 

I dont think everything can be 50/50 people have weaknesses and strengths and we have to work around them

 

What would I never put up with? Abuse of any kind and loss of trust (unfaithfulness is a given no no)

 

What do I want? Just to be happy, with or without a man!

[Woggle]

I believe that you should accept somebody for who they are or don't accept them at all and unless you are blind you usually have an idea before you get serious with a person. Trying to mold a person into the perfect partner is an exercise in futility. I hate to make it about gender but a problem with many women is that they are always trying to fix men and mold us into the perfect partner they have created in their head. I don't think it is up to either partner to try and fix another person.

[Lishy]

I agree Wog, I tried to make my ex what I wanted and forget I fell in love with who he was!

 

Big mistake and the worse thing was that I didnt even realise what I was doing!