markyboy1983 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 My ex broke up with me a little over a month ago. After we broke up, I found out that she cheated on me/lied to me towards the end of the relationship. We went out for 2 years. My question is: Why can't I get over her? I know she screwed me royally and there is no chance I can ever be with her again (because I can't ever trust her.) Why do I think about her non-stop, and even though I say I would never get back together with her, if she came over my apt right now, and said "lets get back together," I'm not sure I would have the will power to say "no." This thought just came into my mind as I was typing, and it seems to me that this might help me with some of my issues, I just don't know how. After my brother was murdered in 2000, I was 16 at the time and my bro was 18, and I saw it all happen, right in front of my eyes. I wanted to find out everything about the murderer. To make a long story short, the DA couldn't charge the murderer, cuz there wasn't enough evidence, so there was never a trial. But, everyone knew this guy did it. After, I found out that the police couldn't do anything about it, I took it upon myself to find out everything about this guy. I knew where he worked/lived, I knew everything about this guy that there was to know. (stay with me here.) I knew this guy better than he knew himself. Why do I keep doing the same thing with my ex? I feel like I have been keeping tabs on her since we broke up. I have the same feelings after my brother died, except I don't want her dead or in prison. Not to sound too stalker-ish, but the other night I just drove by her house to see if her car was there. Is that weird or what? But I did the same thing with my bro's murderer. I would drive past his house to see if his car was there. I am lost right now. I don't know if there is any connection between the two events and my emotions, or am I just insane (lol) Any advice would be helpful, and if u have any questions about my situation, just ask.
Nikki Sahagin Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Maybe because in 2 very different ways, you have been screwed. Obviously the murder is worse, but in relation to your ex, she screwed you over, you can't trust her, and she's just another example of a person walking away from destroying a part of your life without persecution, without you having revenge or justice or relief. I think in that sense the two are connected. You feel she has ****** you over and gone on unpunished. That she hasn't received her just desserts. Maybe you never really got over what happened to your brother and it's coming out in this situation. Also it may be habits in your behaviour now. A certain obsessiveness has been brought out in you. I think you should see a therapist to discuss your brothers murder and your ex. By talking it out you can perhaps learn more about what's truly going on in your mind about these 2 things and try to make some sense of it.
2sure Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 This is a terrible burden you are living with and will have to somehow incorporate into your life. You have learned first hand and in the worst way possible that crimes can go unpunished, that people can do horrible things and get away with them, that bad things do happen to good people. I cannot imagine anyone reacting differently to a loved ones murder than you have - your detective work. From what you wrote you are already completely aware that you are now doing the same thing with this new "wrong" . And although you know the difference between the two , you are going through the same motions because ...what else can you do? Its doing something. But yes, you have to stop. For you. You just have to stop. If you cant exactly move on - just stop yourself from the actual checking up/stalking. Because thats what it is. Over and over again during your life you are going to see crimes and deeds go unpunished. You cant do this every time. The world is unfair, justice is not served. BUT: Take heart!! I have seen with my own eyes the Karma Train rolling. It stops at every house. And it is not your job to drive it.
MrJohnBlack Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 There is a connection. Obviously both of these events caused you to have serious pain, and serious issues with letting go. You might even say you became obsessed with your bothers murder. How did finding out everything about this person help you? They are still walking the streets. Unless you take vengeance into your own hands, this behavior will do nothing but frustrate and cause you to have many negative feelings. Essentially trapping yourself forever in that circle of negative thoughts and emotions. The same can be said for your x girlfriend. Who cares if she is home or not? What is next? Are you going to start looking into her windows to see if she is with someone else? You need to follow the first rule. NO CONTACT. It will not do you ANY good, except if you want a restraining order issued against you in the future. You are not letting go because you probably still have many unanswered questions regarding your relationship. This is not a logical problem that you can solve or fix. Just like with your brother you had to know every detail. This is not the same thing, but you are treating it like you have to find all the answers. Trust me, it is NOT your problem anymore. She cheated and lied to you. So let her be. Cheaters and liars always get what is coming to them. You just need to focus on you. Change up your routines. Change up your life style. Find a new hobby. Get a kitten or puppy. Spend 99% of your time doing other things besides thinking about your x. It will require a very big effort at first to keep your mind positive. Before long you will let go and won't care who she is or what she does. You will not think about her every second. It will require no effort. She will just be gone from you. Your life is not over. Stay up, peace.
wisebutnotperfect Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 man.. this is a tough spot psychologically for you. i have had a hard time getting over a wife who cheated on me and treated me like ###$ for years. i can't imagine what you are going thru. this might sound completely off the wall but.. is there any chance that you are in a position where you would actually consider relocating? take yourself away from the reminders and the temptations. i really think that if you have no strings that you could create a new life for yourself in a new location. good luck
Author markyboy1983 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Let me make it clear that I wish no harm upon my ex. When I referred about the "same feelings," I was referring to the emotional feelings and the same "trying to find out everything about this person" feeling. That was my fault for not making it clear. I am currently seeing a psychologist (I've been seeing him for probably about ten years,) I am 25. He tells me that I put too much of my focus on her. He said that I was too busy trying to make her happy, that I stopped trying to make myself happy. I know he was right. I haven't brought up the whole connection between my bro and the break up, but I will when I see him tomorrow. Relocation is out of the question, I lost my main job that was my bread and butter due to layoffs, and am barely making it by with my "other" job at a supermarket. I have been Nc with her for over a week now, the longest I have not talked to her, since we met. It's sux, but it's for the best cuz everytime we talked after the breakup, just ended up bad. Thanx for the previous answers, and thanx for the answers to follow.
Ronni_W Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I'm sorry for your loss, and for your experience of watching your brother being murdered. Your 'theory' is very interesting. I'd also suspect there is a connection, and likely your therapist is the best source with whom to explore it. Thoughts that came to my mind related to possible reasons you took that action about your brother's murderer -- again, something to work through with your therapist. But, for example. Let's say it had to do with you subconsciously looking for ways to recognize any murderer you may be confronted with in the future -- to be able to prevent a crime, and/or protect your loved one(s), or something similar. Then...maybe it's the same subconscious desire that is motivating you to act in similar ways about your ex -- to be able to prevent a future "crime" and protect yourself; to feel more empowered. Not that that WAS your unconscious motive, but that maybe it is the motive (whatever it may be) that is driving you -- it's about the general circumstance of wanting to be more prepared in the future, rather than it being about this specific girl from the past. All foregoing being just a guess, of course. Best wishes with working through this.
latefragment Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I like "markyboy" cause it reminds me of marky mark. yes these are clearly related. you experienced a sudden, wrenching LOSS with the murder at age 16. One of my good friends had his dad and grandma murdered at age 16 and it MESSED HIM UP. At that age, I mean, 14, 15, 16, you just get really messed up. So... it makes perfect sense to me that you're like, obsessively wanting to find out WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON. then: your brother was a LOSS now: your relationship with your GF is a LOSS LOSS --> triggers pain, and obsessively questioning and going nuts needing to KNOW WHAT HAPPENED> so... i'm sorry this is happening to you. try to just hang in there best you can.
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