TooManyQuestions Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 New to the forum and glad to be here. The reason I decided to join and post is because I have a dilemma that I would like various insights on. I will try to stay on point and be as brief as possible. Now, to the point: I am a thirty-eight year old man, never married yet but hopeful. I am very loving and like to get close and share special time with someone; togetherness is very high on my priority list. So, I very much want a long-lasting relationship. However, I have a mistake deep in my past which I am very ashamed of...when I was fifteen years old, I was convicted of a felony; it was an incident that is highly uncharacteristic of me and the only time in my life I have had any legal trouble. Now, I realize that I must disclose this to someone whom I may form a long relationship with. My concern is WHEN to disclose? Some think it is correct to tell the thing right off the bat; my concern with early disclosure is that someone may judge me for an isolated twenty-three year old mistake rather than getting to know the real me. I am trying to find the fine line between letting someone learn who I truly am and then sharing with them my mistake of so many years ago; and frankly, the larger part of my life...the one lived without legal troubles...the one where I have built a career as a creative professional...that is who I am. I have never been rejected for this thing, in fact, I have only told one person and it did not seem to make a difference to her. As I approach forty, having a lasting relationship means more to me and I want to do things right. Please understand though, I am not defined by a twenty-three year old mistake and do not want my relationships to be based upon the content of what I will conceal to someone. I thank you for reading and look forward to your replies.
Geishawhelk Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 The only reason it's going to be an issue is because you make it one. You're the one living in the past, and that's why it's still an issue. because you haven't let go. It was such a long time ago, and you were so young, the only one who's going to consider it a problem, is you. Obviously, I don't know what you did, but if you did the time and served the sentence, it's over. if you've had a clean record since, then it's over. If it's done with and dealt with, then it's over. I've been out with a guy who committed a crime, and served a prison sentence. this was when he was 19. It never made a difference to me, or the relationship. And it came up by accident, in just discussing stuff. He never revealed it deliberately. Because it didn't matter and wasn't relevant.
brokenboy Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 It's a tough call, and could go either way. I think given your age (I'm about the same as you) I'd rather not invest a lot of time only to have a woman bail later... wouldn't want the heartache or the wasted time. That said, if a woman bails after knowing you... she probably wasn't right for you anyway. It's a tough call. I think I'd give it a few dates, weeks, whatever. If you're clicking and trust her, tell her. I don't think I'd tell her day 1. But also wouldn't wait 6 mos when you're totally into her.
portcitykitty Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think my bf is in a similar situation as you. We've been together a year come January, and I know a couple things about his past that he's told me, but it hasn't changed my view of him. He was married at a young age (20/21) and he had been married 7 months when his wife died. I felt so bad for him. I know they had a child together (saw the wife's obituary online), but he hasn't told me about that yet, and he could be going through the same dilemma as you, like when to tell me, should he tell me, will I bail if he told me, etc. I wouldn't love him any less. I'm not going to judge him on his past, cuz he is an awesome guy. He also told me one day that he's been on his own since he was 15 years old (he's 33 now)...left home cuz he was tired of his parents' $h!t, never finished high school, did get his GED at 18, went to college, and now he's doing great, very hard-working, refuses to fail at anything he does. He's come a long way since then, and I'm proud of him. I'm sure he's got other skeletons in his closet...I'm curious to hear about 'em! Maybe one day I'll get 'em out of him!
Theorem Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 Hm id find it odd for someone to JUDGE you on something that, at an age being renown for immaturity. Even if it was bad (homicide, hope not) anyway... i would disclose this information much FURTHER into a relationship...its not something to be TOSSED out carelessly in the beginnings. It is indeed meant to be heard by someone you feel is in a state to accept this as JUST your past
Eve Posted December 10, 2008 Posted December 10, 2008 I am not sure that you need to disclose anything unless it will affect you in the here and now. Such as if you will find it hard to get a mortgage or something. I still have not told my husband things about my past and probably never will. Although I dont have criminal past (I assume you have something of this sort to disclose) I would be hesitant to re-live things that are no longer part of me. Regards,Annaleena xx
andle Posted December 11, 2008 Posted December 11, 2008 Reveal the info closer to steady dating than marriage. You'll know when the time is right because some intimate conversation will create the opening for it. If my math is right you were 15 at the time. Most everyone knowingly does a ton of really dumb things around that age; some get caught and some don't. Question is, how many years of self-reproach will it take before you decide to forgive yourself? Accept your past and move on, and there's a better chance someone special is gonna be open to doing the same.
Recommended Posts