Sysyphus28 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Their is no program. As well thought out and presented any "program" appears to be. Whether it be NC or whether it be something else to "help you get over your ex". With that being said, I have some words of encouragement If you think you can drink a protein shake, if you think you do jumping jacks, if you think thier is some method to getting over "this madness"(and believe me this feeling is a temporary craziness and a temporary affliction), thier is NOT. Someone else's journey through heartache is not your journey. You may need to burn your ex's gifts. You may need to look to GOD(if you believe in him/her) You may need to join the marines. You may need to work out 10 hours a day. You may need to date 5 different people and have FUN, FUN, FUN. You may need to join film school You may need to paint and create art You may need to play music until your fingers bleed It is all about self-work, and the individual process you choose. Not some prescribed psychological mumbo jumbo. Get smart and find a path. LS has some great suggestions, but if they are not for you, they are not for you. I used NC to go through the longing stages of the addiction to my past relationship. I broke it a few times and got a nasty reality check. I got angry and cursed at my ex, I pleaded with her, I cried a bunch in the beginning, I wrote some lame emails, I found her on AIM and lamented a bit. She did not respond well. I figured out that I hated being hated, and I hated being ignored. I made peace with her. We are not best freinds but we are not enemies. WE acknowledged we had somethign special and that is it is over now. I told her it was ok that she did not choose me. She has a choice because she is her own person. It took 6 months, and it was a conclusion to a long journey of pain. What are you doing to "feel better" and get your head right?!
lofi_tokyo Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think one unifying thing in the process of healing is the willingness to heal. You need to want to move on, to let go of that person, if you really want to heal. Just my opinion.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Letting go does not mean no communication with someone you used to value. They still have value, just a different kind of value. You have to find out where they jigsaw into your life. You have to make peace with them and yourself and get back a shred of your dignity. I felt so awesome this week. All it took was honesty and letting go. I told her I forgive you. I let go of the crap she put me through. No contact is a bandaid. And this bandaid gets old quick. I encourage you to treat your wound with some NEOSPORIN. Forgiveness and understanding. Be honest with yourself about where this relationship was really going. Tokyo?------------ Was it going down the tubes anyway and he just pulled the trigger? Did you feel real love and was it returned in full by him. I have seen a picture of you on LS, you are really pretty.............can't you do a little better?
Peter_pan Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 so your saying break nc and forgive them for what they did etc and then move on and then there is no bitterness between you?
Author Sysyphus28 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 They screwed you over. That action is done. It might be unsalvageable fine. But it does not hurt anyone to come to grips with the situation. Bitterness breeds Bitterness. Hate reflects Hate. At one point of your life your ex was like an extension of yourself. She was a partner to you and reflected your likes and dislikes. You know what she likes, you know her best(if you ever had any real love). Don't be needy or expectant. Come at her with honesty. Tell her I realize it is over, I hope you are happy with the new person your with. Do you know how good it felt to say that to my ex with honest intention. It was like a weight had been lifted. If we are not going to be friends then it was a gentle goodbye compared to the frantic longing of 6 months ago. You have to prove to yourself you can face the thing that has been troubling you most. In this case, it is a person. Meeting up and letting it out in a cordial and composed manner without anger or blame, without the stunts you pulled in the past. It was dumping gallons of water on the fire that has been buring me for months. I came to grips with the fact that I was single as I was sitting thier talking to her. I forgave her..........she said for what?! I didn't matter if she was too dumb too know. I knew...........and I knew that she was no longer the person I desired to be with. NC for a limited time good. No contact forever---you are being an escapist. Pretending like someone doesn't exist does not work. Because they do in fact exist. You have conquer your ego, and control your emotions. Not avoid the person who hurt you like a child. Or curse at the person that hurt you like animal. Thier is a course of action that takes the most guts and has the most reward. It is forgiveness.
Peter_pan Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 yeah tbh this seems to be the best option. but i know i still love her or something, wouldnt i just be sad again yeh i know what you mean i think it would just finalise it all and then thats it. done and dusted completely
9Lives Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I aint ready to forgive my ex or talk to him either. I'm sure this will change later on. Wishing him well and all that....hell no
EmperorR Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 The only time you should break nc is when your healed. My ex lied cheated kckrd me to the curb. I forgave her and in the prices of moving on. But no way I'm going to break nc and be chummy with someone who treated mr like dirt.
9Lives Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 The only time you should break nc is when your healed. My ex lied cheated kckrd me to the curb. I forgave her and in the prices of moving on. But no way I'm going to break nc and be chummy with someone who treated mr like dirt. that what Im saying ...I dont see any reason to contact them and make peace. They dumped you, they aint calling you saying sorry I hurt ya.....why do I have to be the bigger one???Bull/sh
9Lives Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 my job is to heal myself....look out for myself....get past this nightmare....that is all I need to do. When I see the ex...I see them....we will take it from there. Im not mad...I just dont need the insult to injury
HighPlainsDrifter Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 my job is to heal myself....look out for myself....get past this nightmare....that is all I need to do. When I see the ex...I see them....we will take it from there. Im not mad...I just dont need the insult to injury I agree with you 9Lives, and in the same breath, I can understand what Sys is saying as well. I would like to be able to forgive them and not dread seeing them again. I know I will run into her sooner or later, and it's going to make my stomach curdle. I also thank that calling her up and saying "I forgive you" isn't fair to me either, and would just alleviate her guilt for doing what she did. Knowing her, she is probably already past that and ignores those feelings if they would pop up. I know if she saw me out, she would get hit with them hard, because I know they are in there somewhere. I don't think she should get a free pass from them. Some people don't deserve to have their conscious cleared, if they have one. Maybe I'm still bitter and don't know what I'm talking about. I suppose we will all have to deal with it sooner or later. Just don't think I can do it now.
9Lives Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I agree with you 9Lives, and in the same breath, I can understand what Sys is saying as well. I would like to be able to forgive them and not dread seeing them again. I know I will run into her sooner or later, and it's going to make my stomach curdle. I also thank that calling her up and saying "I forgive you" isn't fair to me either, and would just alleviate her guilt for doing what she did. Knowing her, she is probably already past that and ignores those feelings if they would pop up. I know if she saw me out, she would get hit with them hard, because I know they are in there somewhere. I don't think she should get a free pass from them. Some people don't deserve to have their conscious cleared, if they have one. Maybe I'm still bitter and don't know what I'm talking about. I suppose we will all have to deal with it sooner or later. Just don't think I can do it now. I dont owe my ex Nothing. Whatever I give my ex will come natural to me to give when the time comes. I am not going to force myself to give him anything. When I see him....I will take from there. I dont think that is negative but to tell someone you love who left you...I forgive you....that is weak. I dont forgive you, I dont hold on to it....I have accepted it, I am not going to hold it over your head...and I am let it be. YOu dont get a apology. I am the one trying to pick up my pieces and my life. He dont feel like he owes me a apology....I just dont get it. Maybe it just makes you feel better. You know what I mean? I say move on and when you see the ex hopefully it dont mean a damm thing to you. That is the gift of life I am waitng to receive!!!!!
lofi_tokyo Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Be honest with yourself about where this relationship was really going. Tokyo?------------ Was it going down the tubes anyway and he just pulled the trigger? Did you feel real love and was it returned in full by him. I have seen a picture of you on LS, you are really pretty.............can't you do a little better? I'm happily over my ex now I haven't posted about it because I didn't have much to say about it. But yeah! Of course our relationship was going badly before we broke up - he found another woman to date while I was out of town! Was real love returned by him? Sure, tons of times, but not anymore, on either end! Its not a matter of doing better either - so much as finding someone more compatible. My point in posting initially was to say that ultimately, for anyone to get over their ex, they have to be willing to say goodbye. I think a huge part of dealing with a break up is trying to figure out why things happened, perhaps so they can be undone, or perhaps to give the break up legitimacy. Its hard to let go without closure. However, real closure comes from acceptance, full letting go - letting go of the love, the questions, the frustration, the loneliness - lots of stuff!. Best of luck to everyone in healing, I think once you get to the point where you just think "god I wish I could stop feeling sad", you're on the right track - soon you'll find life really is okay without the ex. They were special once, sure, but people come and go from our lives all the time. Take your time to say goodbye, its important to do so if you feel you need to, and know that someday, you'll be able to smile at what you had, without feeling a sense of loss.
alwayssme Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 tokyo, you sound really mature. you think good. im glad to see your finally over your ex. i wish i could be over mine, but somehow the whole "think this way to feel this way" hasnt worked for me. great post though. good luck with everything. im sure u'll find somebody to make u happy and who lives closer to you. i never had a long distance relationship so i wouldnt kow how that feels, but im sure once u find somebody who lives closer, u'll be much happier and even more in love!
EmperorR Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 lol sorry for all my spelling errors, predictive text on the iphone sucks. I'm sort of over my ex now as well, I'm already talking to someone new, the anger is gone, and I accepted that it's over. I still have bad days and feel like crap sometimes but less than before, but no way i'm going to call her or email her and be like hey I've moved on everything is ok.
Ingenue Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 My healing process was finally being mentally ready to let go. I spoke to my ex after 5 months of NC and afterwards had an amazingly cathartic sob-fest. After that, I let it all go. My life is no longer defined by how many days I haven't spoken to him. My life is no longer defined by lamenting over him and watching a mountain of tissues build. My life is no longer defined by him. It doesn't matter that I'll never get a sincere apology for how he acted. It doesn't matter that I spent 5 years with him. That part of my life is over. There were good memories and not so good memories, as is the course of life. I feel like I'm ready to face 2009 with lighter shoulders and a more optimistic outlook. The past has been written; it is now time for me to script my own future. Letting go has been the most beneficial thing that I could have done for my own healing.
Surfer Dude Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I managed to let go by forgiving her. She acted like a total douche and hurt me in so many ways, but I didn't want to be angry anymore. She has her life, I have my own and that's it. No point being angry or pining anymore. I realized it was time to let go. I didn't want this obsession over her to become chronic.
Author Sysyphus28 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Alot of us are still really really mad about getting dumped. "they don't deserve an apology" "They don't deserve anything from me" OK. BUT, don't you see that you are giving something to your ex everday? You are giving them thought, you are giving them mental time, You are posting on LS about them and for them, you are trying to NOT contact them(which is an action as well). I know all this because I have done these things. I performed all these thoughts and actions and they didn't help me. I was avoiding the person I used to love (and THAT USED to love me). These X's seem cold as ice, but they remember the good times. Maybe they have moved on but they havn't forgotten. We are all human. If love ever existed with this other person it is worth it to be cordial with them. Even if they disrespected you......you have to rise to be the bigger person and not cower and run away like a defeated mouse. Tell them "it sucked the way you made me feel, I have done alot of self-work and I feel better now. I am ok. Things are good for me. I forgive you." Stop harping on and on and on about your lost cause. The only way to feel good about anything is to accept it is over and make peace. Prove to yourself you can detach.
stoneymirror Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I moved on by meeting someone new. It's really hard to think of the ex when you'r dating someone new. So much excitement and interest, plus it gives you your confidence back. And as much as I still love my ex, I can now see there's other fish in the sea that are just as, if not more compatible with me and my lifestyle. I've made the mistake in the past to dwell on things for a long time, and continually trying to call and win the ex back. Well I've discovered all that does is dig you deeper into emotional distress and depression. Catch it early and often and really push yourself to get out there and meet someone new. Even if that's just a friend, but do it. It's something you won't regret.
JooLee Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 well i think im 99% moved on, when i realised that its just a waste of time having all this anger. I remember i was struggling with it for a while but something jus snapped in me, and i told myself, "whatever". and now, i honestly dont care. i hear things about him and i go, "whatever" and it goes off my mind. i still hate him, and i know i dont want to have anything to do with him. and im totally fine the way it is. in fact i actually prefer to never having any connection with him at all. i realised that hey- im fine by myself and my life is so much better, in fact, i hardly think about him these past few days, and when i do, i just go "whatever". i dont think im ready to forgive him just yet, but i know ive forgiven myself. and im having one heck of a better life without him in it, and i can genuinely say it. thats how i got over him, by knowing my self worth, and that im a better person now.
ConfusedAtHome Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I'm still healing, but I changed all my passwords to a saying that gives me a little laugh about my ex, so every time I sign into anything I'm able to find solace in knowing that I will be ok and life is good! It sounds weird, but it helps me tremendously!
9Lives Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Alot of us are still really really mad about getting dumped. "they don't deserve an apology" "They don't deserve anything from me" OK. BUT, don't you see that you are giving something to your ex everday? You are giving them thought, you are giving them mental time, You are posting on LS about them and for them, you are trying to NOT contact them(which is an action as well). I know all this because I have done these things. I performed all these thoughts and actions and they didn't help me. I was avoiding the person I used to love (and THAT USED to love me). These X's seem cold as ice, but they remember the good times. Maybe they have moved on but they havn't forgotten. We are all human. If love ever existed with this other person it is worth it to be cordial with them. Even if they disrespected you......you have to rise to be the bigger person and not cower and run away like a defeated mouse. Tell them "it sucked the way you made me feel, I have done alot of self-work and I feel better now. I am ok. Things are good for me. I forgive you." Stop harping on and on and on about your lost cause. The only way to feel good about anything is to accept it is over and make peace. Prove to yourself you can detach. I agree with what you are saying. I just dont feel it is necessary to tell the ex..."you jacked me up and I forgive you...you good" I aint going to be able to do it. If anything they should apologize. All Im saying is yes I am moving on and I work on it everyday. Im better than I was from when it first happen. But to go to the ex and say I forgive you....Not going to happen. He dont even want the apology Im not saying carry the grudge in your heart and let it rule you and stop you from moving on. That does not make sense. Im being the bigger person by accepting it, not calling, texting, stalking, begging, crying my eyes out alone, having to fight for my mental well being, or contacting the ex in any way is way big enough. I dont owe him nothing else. I'm not saying one day we might not be able to be friends but as for now. I dont have a anything for him. This is where I come to help me get past the pain
EmperorR Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I agree with what you are saying. I just dont feel it is necessary to tell the ex..."you jacked me up and I forgive you...you good" I aint going to be able to do it. If anything they should apologize. All Im saying is yes I am moving on and I work on it everyday. Im better than I was from when it first happen. But to go to the ex and say I forgive you....Not going to happen. He dont even want the apology Im not saying carry the grudge in your heart and let it rule you and stop you from moving on. That does not make sense. Im being the bigger person by accepting it, not calling, texting, stalking, begging, crying my eyes out alone, having to fight for my mental well being, or contacting the ex in any way is way big enough. I dont owe him nothing else. I'm not saying one day we might not be able to be friends but as for now. I dont have a anything for him. This is where I come to help me get past the pain Agree 100%, closure comes from within, im past the anger stage but I'm not going to call and let my ex no. Hell even when she cheated an dumped me I was still nice, even when she was saying hurtful things I was still nice. The meanest thing I did is go NC without telling her, no way I'm going to break it. MY ex wasn't even remorseful for cheating, I agree if anyhting she should apologize say I'm sorry and ask for forgivness.
9Lives Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Agree 100%, closure comes from within, im past the anger stage but I'm not going to call and let my ex no. Hell even when she cheated an dumped me I was still nice, even when she was saying hurtful things I was still nice. The meanest thing I did is go NC without telling her, no way I'm going to break it. MY ex wasn't even remorseful for cheating, I agree if anyhting she should apologize say I'm sorry and ask for forgivness. Exactly. I am the one who got hurt. He did it.....Im dealing with....Its over....Im alright now. He might get a EGO MASSIVE HIGH. I just dont see the point of saying I forgive you.
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