needing outsider's point of view... SAVE ME

[iamanidiot]

my girlfriend of 2 and a 1/2 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago. she initiated it of course.

 

it was a perfect relationship for 2 years and then it all happened because i was an ass.

i changed after starting college, wanting her to change her appearance, getting mad at her at times, did not show her that i love her at times, paranoid, did not trust her, and most importantly became a control freak. i did not know what i wanted that time.

 

she couldn't take it anymore so she wanted the break up. i was too stupid to see that it was my wrong doing all along. i blamed her for it as she went out with a guy she knew recently the night before the break up.

 

the guy asked her to join his band that he's making a few days before the break up. she told me she wanted to rest earlier so i went home after our date. she was supposed to meet up with her girlfriend later that night but that friend couldn't make it. that made her very sad and disappointed. i think she wanted to talk to her about her problems in our relationship.

 

after i went back, i found out that she wasn't home and was with that guy who lived like 1 hour away because she wasn't a very good liar. she told me that she couldn't take it anymore and needed someone to talk to.

 

she broke up with me the next day after her parents had a talk with me.

 

if i were to realise my faults that time it would be ok but i was too thick to realise that at that time. i pleaded, begged and promised i would change but it did not work. she wanted to lessen the contact but i was too distraught to give her the time she needs. i kept in contact with her for at least 4 days. nothing works. she's saying that her friends, especially the guy is accompanying her everday.

 

i tried adding her friends and that guy in msn to see what is happening.

 

that guy is the only one who added me.

 

that was when i realised the mistakes i made. i wanted to change for real this time. all the things i should've and shoudn't do. i asked her out on the 4th day, wanting to tell her how i feel but she refused to. therefore i called her up and told her everything i realised and said i will always be here for her and sang her david cook's always be my baby. a fatal mistake, but i did it.

 

i started NC after that. i needed time to figure out what i've been doing wrong and to change. it was killing me but i did it.

 

about 3 days into NC my friend asked me to help him out at his store. it was in a newly opened mall and he needed more promoters. i agreed to help for a day.

 

on that very day, she came in with two of her girlfriends. i was shocked. her friends noticed me and told her i was there. i walked up and said hi, with faked smile and chatted a little. that very night, she messaged me on msn asking me if i'm only working there for that day because i mentioned about it earlier. i told her i was helping my friend out that day. she then asked if i will be working there during the weekdays. i told her i'm not sure because my friend wanted me to work with him. she did not reply after that and went offline an hour later.

 

i felt that i did not receive her reply or she did not receive mine due to my poor internet line because it has happened before.

 

5 days later i bumped into her again. i said hi again and we chatted a little.

4 days later she smsed me to tell me that she had uploaded all of the pictures we took at the panic at the disco's concert on her friendster and i can take it from there if i want to. i told her i would take a look when i'm free the next day. i took a look 2 days later. she completely updated her profile.

the weird thing is, she changed her status to it's complicated and not single and there is a line saying "I Love *my name*. We have been together for 2 and a 1/2 years and the memories we share are priceless".

 

i am still in her people i care for list(although not the first anymore). i also realised that she still keeps all of my pictures there. she changed the captions to MEMORIES~! but it's still there.

 

i browsed through the pictures and saw a picture of me and her at the concert. i was stunned. i was so confident she is sending me a positive signal that i broke NC that very day. i chatted with her on msn. she wasn't as harsh as she was the last time i chatted with her. she even wanted to send me the pictures as the quality of the photos on friendster was ****ty. we chatted a little before i asked her to help me to buy some stuff. this would provide an opportunity for us to meet up. she said she cant and told me where she bought hers and ask me to take a look there.

 

that was when i made a silly mistake.

 

i thanked her for the breakup, saying how it made me a better person. she said it's good i already have my life back but i told her it's more like i found myself back. i had to go so we said our byes. at that very night i talked to her again. she was different this time around. she was a little cold and was trying her best to make me jealous. she mentioned about the guy so every often and stuffs i know may not be true. she hinted out stuffs that i did not do when i was with her and how that guy is doind it now. i was hurted real bad as i know she is kinda close with that guy recently but i did not show any sign of jealousy and even joked around with her. i showed i care about her by asking her how she is, and was she at the singing audition she wanted to go to so bad.

 

she left me in a mess after that conversation. she hit me straight at the heart where it hurt most by using that guy. she told me that she's gonna be practicing with that guy a lot now and gonna be home late and how he is supposed to fetch her back and all. i found out a few days later that it did not happen as she was home early all the time.

she was obviously trying to make me jealous.

a few days ago, my sister chatted with her. one of their friend were diagnosed with leukemia. i was coincidently there so i lingered around. she said she was stressed out that she will be very busy with her assignments and exams the next week. when she was with me i would always help her out with her assignments as she was kinda slow on studies. my sister wished her luck AND IT HAPPENED!

 

she said thanks and ask my sister to ask me to wish her luck too. i didn't. i stucked to my NC.

 

i am darn confused right now. what should i do? I OBVIOUSLY STILL LOVE HER! i admit that i still "stalk" her online. seeing if she's online or not, worrying like hell when she isn't, checking her friendster and that guy's for updates. i blocked that guy on msn. i did not delete him because it gives me a sense of relief whenever she's not online and he is because i know that she is not with him at that moment. i think he deleted me recently because it's been days i did not see him on msn.

 

PLEASE HELP ME! I'M STUCKED IN THIS CYCLE OF WORRIES, SADNESS, PAIN, TEMPORARY RELIEF AND THEN WORRYING AGAIN! i am a better man now. i did it for myself, not her. i realised i do not need her, i just want her. and i still do, for life.

[DSM-IV Tom]

Well my friend, first things first. You must learn to press the "ENTER" key so that you don't post walls of txt the size of the empire state building. Seriously, indent things in the future please.

 

Now, that aside, I am truly sorry for the situation you are facing. I am sure the pain is indescribable and you feel like you just can't catch your breath due to anxiety and pain and frustration and fear. I'm right there with you buddy, believe me I am.

 

As for that guy she's hanging out with... that's pretty messed up that she's throwing that in your face. You either REALLY screwed her over when you broke up, or she's a straight wacko. People who throw that type of things in others faces are low. Jealousy is unnecessary.

 

Your best mode of action would be to stick to No Contact. Perhaps write her a letter apologizing once again and telling her how much you care, and that you do love her and DO want to be with her, but you can't talk to her until she feels the same, and is ready to contact you.

 

I did that and my ex came back around after 2 weeks saying she still loves me and misses me and is scared to get back together in fear she'll do it to me again. I haven't gotten back with her yet though, still not sure if I can. But that's the best possible scenario by doing that right there. They say you can use NC to heal. Well, you can also use NC to show your ex what they're missing.

 

And anyone who tells you that's wrong, is a fool. It's not manipulating, it's a legitimate ultimatum.

[Sysyphus28]

You won't listen to this right now. You just sang some corny song to a girl who is mentally(and probably physically) with someone else. I am sorry to be harsh. I just need you to pay attention to this.

 

This situation is closed door. She does not know how to handle your neediness and your pain right now. You are also feeling really guilty for being so controlling. Did you expect her to stay with you after you tried to change her? You obviously were expressing that you wanted to be with someone with different attributes than her. You say that you didn't...but she percieved that you wanted her to be different. You cannot undo that.

 

YOU CANNOT UNDO CERTAIN THINGS ONCE THEY ARE SAID AND DONE. You expressed you wanted her to change, she saw that as a sign for her to leave this relationship.

 

GO NC, or keep singing songs and calling....they will both have the same result. She has made a decision, and she even solidified it with her parents(now you are doomed). If you leave this alone and come at it from a different perspective you may have a friend in a half year or year.

Trust me, I know what you are going through.

I wrote poetry, I cried, I begged, I felt worthless, I felt abandoned......SHE FELT FREE!!!

 

All this advice your going to recieve and all this drama that has occurred is natural. Your reaction to try and get her back is natural. People breaking up and divorcing is natural. This is the way of the world, my freind, and all is fair in love and war.

You truly do win some and lose some.

 

SYS

[iamanidiot]

thanks for the point of views guys... well i found out today that she may have a little intention of getting back together. she initiated contact with my sister today. it so happened that my sister was also in a relationship problem with her god brother. she was asking how is my sister doing and saying how hard it is to let go. my sister said don't then but she said this stuff takes time.

 

my sister told her it's obvious i've regretted what i did and changed a lot these few days. she, being the typical asian chinese girl said it doesnt take that fast for a guy to realise his mistakes and how it usually takes a few months or so and leavin it all to fate.

 

call me a self comforting freak but i don't think there's anything going on between her and that guy. i did not DIRECTLY ask her to change by the way. i was just giving her suggestions like "why don't you try wearing that dress or heels? bet you'll look good in em". i'm gonna stick to NC and hope for the best. this roller coaster ride is really killing me though. i might just write her a letter soon.

 

by the way i did not tell my sister what to say to her. she showed me the conversation because she saved it.

[iamanidiot]

needing more comment on my situation... T_T

[Geishawhelk]

In that case, read Sysyphus's post again.

You have it all right there, all you need.

 

Listen.

[iamanidiot]

i would've listened to him if she wasn't showing signs of boredom and lovesick. she wants me but she doesn't want the changed me and she's not sure if i'll ever change back. i think she is using jealousy on me because that was 1 of the reason i started controlling her, to see if i changed. i mean, i was the 1 in the wrong afterall right? it just ain't right to wait for her to make the 1st move because i am the one who should be doing it. so should i go for the final push before giving up or should i just give up? it's becoming a trend in this forum for people to ask people to give up based on their own experiences. but they are deeply appreciated by me nonetheless. a fresh prespective doesn't hurt.