Just_A_Random_Person Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Hi. I'm new here and the reason I registered is because I'd like to ask for an advice... I have the following problem. I recently joined a band as the lead singer. I'm a complete novice to it. It's my first time doing something like this and everything feels very exciting. But... The problem is, I started developing a crush for the guitarist. And he's a married guy. With a kid. I KNOW that I shouldn't be thinking about him in that sort of way, but I can't help myself. He looks really good (my type), has a good personality and plays my favorite instrument. So even though I realize that liking him will lead me nowhere, I just can't NOT like him. At first I thought the crush will fade away quickly. But instead of fading away, it's getting worse. : ( And on top, I'm getting really mixed signals from him. At times I'm almost sure he likes me and at other times he seems distant... But usually he's really nice to me. He keeps saying how much he likes my voice (which, you can imagine is NOT helping me forgetting him, at all...) and he always gives me a ride when I need it and does all sorts of other small favors for me and etc. You get the point. He's just super nice. But that still doesn't mean he likes me, does it?? It might simply be my hormone-producing brain, making me notice things that are not there. He might be nice only because he likes my voice and nothing else... See... I really wish I knew for sure. That makes me feel very frustrated. And being frustrated all the time is not a good thing to experience. I thought about it and... Maybe if I stop seeing him for a while it might help... But unfortunately that's not an option, because being in a band is something I've always dreamed about and now that I'm experiencing it... No way in hell I'll give that up! And we (the band) have really good chemistry between us. I also thought about telling him but... There are too many "ifs". If he tells me he doesn't like me = (band) failure. If he tells me he does like me, we start going out... I ruin his family... Eventually we get sick and tired of one another = (band) failure again... So... What should I do?? How do I forget about him? : (
Author Just_A_Random_Person Posted December 19, 2008 Author Posted December 19, 2008 So... out of the 61,431 registered users here, not even 1 person has an opinion about this? Wow... and I thought registering here and sharing would make me less depressed. Thanks.
justdoe Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 I HAVE AN OPINION. feel better? I am only joking, but I do have an honest opinion. I have been there before. I played the "guy you like" role, and the "you" role. Both were all just what i call them now. "Learning experiences". Try to look at it from his ladies point of view. You trust him to play in a band with a new hottie, and he cheats on you. Then, what happens if you have some "sexy time", and you no longer exist? Admire from afar. Don't touch. Don't even get rides from him. The tingle you get around him is like yummy bliss. I know it well. Make yourself think gross things when you look at him. I could get ouch nasty graphic, but I save them unless they are absolutely required. I had to get over a situation like that, So I picture him as Johnny Depp in Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, and Lt. Dan in Forest Gump. I got u some ice cream Lt Dan. Now I cant stop thinking about Forest Gump LOL
justdoe Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 Life is like a box of chocholates LOL:bunny:
Tomcat33 Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 You should have posted this on the OW/OM forum maybe we can request to the mods to change it there, you will get TONS of feedback there. If you haven't already read some of the situations/stories there I strongly recommend that you do. You're right there is nothing you can to make youreself stop thinking about him, your feelings are your feelings, but there is plenty you can do stop yourself from seeing him as someone free and avaible. HE IS NOT. He is married with a child, and you need to focus on that. It doesn't matter how hot he looks or how much you have in common he is simply NOT available. If you act on your feelings two things will happen, chances are the most you will get out of being with him is a fling, you will gain plenty of pain due to the entire experience and the least you will end up with is getting kicked off the band. If something develops between you two and he decides to call it off, you will be the first to be wiped out of the band because they won't want any problems or reminders that you exist, every time they have to go in to play. It can get extremely nasty, so please do yourself a favour and think with your head not your googley eyes. Do your job enjoy the band and try to get some live gigs, soon enough when hot guys see you singing in a band you will have all sorts of hotties who share your same musical interest wanting to be with you.
whichwayisup Posted December 19, 2008 Posted December 19, 2008 What should I do?? How do I forget about him? Put yourself in his wife's and kid shoes, see how you would feel if the situation was reversed? Imagine you being married and knowing that your husband was around another woman who had the hots for him, knew he was married with a kid, but still couldn't stay away from him. I'm sure he is flattered and enjoys the attention you give him, but he IS married, which should stop you in your tracks as to pursuing him. All you'll be doing is hurting yourself, and helping him hurt his wife and child. Don't be a part of that! TC is right, once you get more gigs, there will be TONS of guys, single and cute ones to go after. Leave this guy alone.
crazy4you Posted December 20, 2008 Posted December 20, 2008 This is quite a dilemma you got here. I think he's your forbidden fruit. I don't know how appealing he is to you but the fact that you can't touch him makes him even more attractive. If you care to read I have a story for you. My gf's best friend is...well...let's just say hot. Now I've always liked her (known her since before I met my gf) and liked her then too. And now that I start going out with my gf all of a sudden I'm hanging out with this girl I've always liked A LOT. Now to top that off, she has a bf too. So she's really forbidden fruit for me. I have a gf I love and don't wanna hurt, her best friend that I kinda have a crush on, and she's taken too. Anyway long story short the girl broke up with the guy (he was kind of a jerk to her) and my gf is actually amazingly cool and wanted me to experience being with other girls so she made (yes, made) me kiss her best friend. At first, it was really hot. We kissed for a few minutes and then...well everything just kind of faded. I guess you can say that the moral of the story is... people are like kids. You want the toys you can't have and when you get em they lose appeal. I guess that's why my gf did that, she must've noticed I had a thing for her friend and wanted to be sure it was just my lower brain taking control. Anyway what you have to do is to tell yourself that this guy isn't worth ruining your band, your future (in the music business), and his family. I'm sure you're probably an attractive girl if you're the lead singer of a band, so you'll meet tons of guys. Hope that helped...
Author Just_A_Random_Person Posted December 22, 2008 Author Posted December 22, 2008 Thanks for the responses everybody. Sorry if I sounded a little... irritated in my previous post. But I was sort of desperate (I still am... sort of). I didn't post this in the OW/OM section, because I'm not really the other woman basically (only in my mind)... I'm trying hard to follow your advises and think of him as unavailable! I know very very well, how it feels to be cheated on (something I'd love to forget) and I'd never willingly do something that would ruin a happy, solid relationship. As far as his marriage, I don't know how happy or solid it is. He doesn't speak about it much and when he does he keeps complaining, actually. But that doesn't mean he's unhappy right? I know there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. I keep telling myself that if he was truly unhappy he'd get a divorce or something. My brain acknowledges all of this. I understand it. But... well it's still hard. I'm trying hard to distance myself from him and to stop thinking of him. I don't look at him unless I really have to. I try to talk to him only when absolutely necessary. I’ve stopped all the smiling/flirting - I keep my attitude cool. The problem is, he doesn't. He continues to be super nice and mildly flirty. And I can't avoid the rides. It would be weird and I might even offend him. I'm ashamed to admit it but, my attraction has gotten to a point where, upon seeing a car like his' I'd try to peek at the driver's seat. Right now, whenever that happens I force myself to look elsewhere and try to think about something else. Then there's the smell factor. Ugh... Whenever I'd smell his perfume on someone else, immediately I get reminded of him and the butterflies in my stomach reappear. So... I hope my strategy helps even though so far, I don't think there's much progress. Maybe with time, it'll get easier. By the way I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't looking for a flirt when I met him. I'm more of the introverted type of person when it comes to relationships (my last relationship lasted 4 years and with a hand on my heart, I NEVER cheated ) so I don't find flirting particularly interesting. Thus, when we get more gigs in the future, I don't see myself going after cute guys. Unless (hopefully?) there's someone interesting enough on my horizon. Which I'm not counting on and honestly, right now I don't even want to be in a relationship. Now if I could only beat this attraction... PS: Wow! crazy4you I'm really envious of your girlfriend! I wish I could be as generous as her...
Recommended Posts