IWALH Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Wow. So this is the first time I have even come to visit this website since August and it is completely different looking at the posts here with my new perspective on, well, everything! I don't have any need to come here for advice on my own situations or struggles dealing with a married man (gosh it's even weird to type that phrase). I am only here to offer a little bit of my experience, strength, and hope. What you are dealing with is an addiction. I don't care what you tell yourself it is, when it comes down to it, it is an addiction. To get out of it you either need to have a HUGE GIGANTIC SLAP in the face (which is what happened to me), or you need to take steps to get over the addiction and get yourself healthy (another thing I am doing that doesn't have anything directly to do with my past situation with the married guy). I'm not going to delve too deep into my own past situation, many of you are already familiar with it anyway. I will say that I was addicted to that man for over 3 years. Three years of my life he consumed my thoughts and I acted completely insane sometimes because of that addiction. That addiction, those feelings of "love" (which were anything BUT), had absolutely nothing to do with him as a person. Let me repeat that. None of what I "felt" for him had ANYTHING to do with him. I do not know him. Truly, I know nothing of that man or who he truly is as a person. I allowed myself to be manipulated and depressed and whatever else about him because of my own character defects. I was seeking attention that I did not get as a child (namely my father). I was the kind of person that CLUNG on tight to any kind of attention or affection I received which caused me to be in a small series of unhealthy, detrimental, unstable relationships that were devoid of love. It was never about love, not for me. It was about filling some kind of void. Maybe some of you don't relate to that, and that's fine. But it's still an addiction. I feel so so so bad for all of the women on this site who are going through turmoil involving a married man. You are letting a man who has a wife and/or family use you. If he's really going to get a divorce and has true feelings for you then he will wait until the divorce is a done deal before he pursues you. I am not sure why I am even bothering doing this. I read a post recently from one of my friends who got herself involved with a married man and went through some inevitable heartbreak with him and it got me to thinking of this website and the ladies on here. I read a few posts and many of the titles on here and it just made me so sincerely sad for you all. Why did it make me sad? Because I remember what it was like to be you. I remember what that desperation felt like. I remember what that anxiety felt like. I remember how I felt like I was chained up and would never get over him. Now I am free. I have never felt more serene and peaceful and genuinely happy in my life. Partly because I had a HUGE HUGE wakeup call which caused me to almost instantaneously get over him and also partly because I am finally getting myself mentally/emotionally stable and happy (without medication... just going through 12 steps, meetings, and having an amazing support group and amazing sponsor). There are so many things I have realized about myself that are just.... amazing. It just keeps getting better and I keep finding more and more things out about myself. It's awesome to be able to step outside of myself and look in and see all of my glaring character defects that led me to that man in the first place. I won't be dating for at least another 9 months or so. But when I do, it is going to be a healthy relationship. With a healthy person. There is nothing healthy about being with someone who is already married. I think this is the first completely honest and raw post I have ever made on this website. Oh, I also wanted to mention that I have absolutely no hatred or disdain towards that man whatsoever. I am an adult and I chose to be involved in that situation. I chose to let myself be manipulated. Sure, he manipulated me, but I let him. I knew what was going on all along deep down. I own up to my part in all of that. I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope and pray that he and his family are doing well and have healed from everything that happened.
bentnotbroken Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Wow. You seem so strong and actually happy. God bless.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 WOW IWALH!! You have come an incredibly long way! I'm sure its amazing how clear things look from this side, but I remember how very difficult your journey was, one of the most dramatic/crazy I've read about on LS I think. That addiction, those feelings of "love" (which were anything BUT), had absolutely nothing to do with him as a person. Let me repeat that. None of what I "felt" for him had ANYTHING to do with him. I do not know him. Truly, I know nothing of that man or who he truly is as a person. This is so very true, BUT it's got to be almost impossible to see when you are in the throws of it. This is definately the most level post you've ever posted. I'm so very happy for you and that your D has her mom back. Did you ever finish school?
Owl Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Great to hear this from you, IWALH!!! It sounds like you're really moving forward, friend!! I am curious...do you feel that the advice that you recieved on this site helped play any role in your healing/moving on?
Spinning Head Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think you are correct in stating that the R with a MM does become an addiction. I think for me, the A was a coping mechanism. For several months I was unaware MM was, in fact, married. I am not sure when the switch is made for the A to become an addiction. The book I read about breaking your addiction to a person states that there is an attachment hunger that goes back to your childhood. Of course, everything goes back to your childhood. I am not so sure I believe that theory yet. I ready your other threads. I am glad that you have been able to move forward with your life.
joybean72 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Great post IWALH... Not only does this post apply to some other women, but also to some betrayed spouses as well. Wishing you strength & continued healing! Onwards & upwards!
Meaplus3 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Nice to see your strength. I also must agree that it is an addiction. The healing process tends to take the same sort of time and mind frame as with any addiction. Glad to see your doing so well. Best wishes. AP:)
Awakening Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Nice job! I am a recovering alcoholic and often wonder if my "addictive personality" itself had a part in my choosing to have a relationship with my XMM. Us addicts/alcoholics seem to have a predisposition to seeking drama. I used the 12 step principles to help disengage from the relationship.
wildsoul Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I am not sure when the switch is made for the A to become an addiction. The book I read about breaking your addiction to a person states that there is an attachment hunger that goes back to your childhood. Of course, everything goes back to your childhood. I am not so sure I believe that theory yet. A bit of a sidenote on the topic of addiction. Don't get too hung up on whether it started in childhood or not. Just take it at face value in the present moment. If you're feeling horrible withdrawals and a strong compulsion to be with the person, even though you know they are bad for you, then there's something addictive at play. IWALH: I think I remember your story from August. Are you going to SLAA or a similar program (besides or in addition to AA)?
OWoman Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Great post IWALH... Not only does this post apply to some other women, but also to some betrayed spouses as well. Yes - any unhealthy R is unhealthy, no matter what it's tag is. IWALH, that's a really encouraging post! It's so nice to hear things are working out for you!
child_of_isis Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Wow! IWALH...you have come a long way. I remember when you were hanging on by a mere hair. You had it bad! Good on you, girl! It let's everybody else know that it can be done.
herenow Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 So glad to hear that you have faced your addiction head on and are doing what you need to do to live a healthy happy life. Addictions are hard for people who don't suffer from them to understand. I say this because my H has an addictive personality and it took me many hours of MC to see that addiction can't be ignored. I truly believe that if my H hadn't dealt with his addiction, his affair would have continued. Maybe not with the same OW, but the behavior would have gotten worse overtime. That is how addiction works. If you don't face it and do something on a daily basis to deal with it, it can destroy you. In the beginning I resented my H's addiction. I blamed it for my pain. I now see that had we not gone through this experience together, our marriage would have failed. My H has made a commitment to deal with his addiction. It's a lifelong journey to lead a happier healthier life. I see first hand how working the steps has helped my H be a better person and a better H, I wish the same for you for the rest of your life.
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