jc Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Hi everyone, My boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend I guess) dated for 7 months. He dumped me 3 days go, very unexpectedly. We had been talking about getting engaged recently and then went on a trip to Cuba together for a week that was a bit stressful. For a couple weeks after we got back he was pulling away a bit and looking back on it, I guess I made the mistake of trying to fix things by trying to get closer rather than giving him space. We ended up having an argument on Saturday that resulted in him saying he wanted to break up. He listed several reasons (he felt like he needed space, couldn't breathe, felt my expectations were too high, said he had been having doubts about whether I was 'the one', apologized for hurting me, etc.). He wouldn't look at me and was pretty emotionless during the whole breaking up part. He said he felt I needed to work on some of my issues and when I asked (oh, why did I ask? classic mistake), said he could see us getting back together in the future, maybe in 2 months if I had worked through some issues. I didn't argue (it's true after all, I'm not perfect, I do have some things I need to work on, just like he does) and pretty much just agreed with him to avoid getting into an arguing match. I told him I felt he was making a mistake, asked him not to do it, but then told him that if I couldn't convince him to be with me if he didn't want to be. He gave me my keys back and asked for his back. I got a bit teary-eyed during the whole thing, but didn't cry, beg, plead, etc. (thank god, I've actually learned something from my past break ups). So here's the thing. This was actually a good relationship, a really good relationship most of the time. My sense is that although of course there were some things I had done to annoy him/anger him, overall it seemed to be more about him having 'cold feet'. My dad is a psychologist who has done a fair amount of relationship counselling in the past, and has suggested to me that I give him a week of NC and then send him an email essentially saying that I felt that this was a very good relationship and and would he like to meet to talk about things, if not, that's fine and I'll move on with my life. (And I actually will move on, I wouldn't just be saying that). So. Dilemma. I could just wait and see if he contacts me in the next week or so and if not, take the hint and move on. His pattern with friends and ex-girlfriends has been to completely cut people out once they have wronged him in some way. So I'm not expecting him to call or contact me. So should I send that email, to try to fight just one time for a relationship that was very good? Or should I just forget it and move on? I just don't want to look back and regret not trying, even once, to resolve things. But maybe there really is no point in contacting him if he hasn't contacted me by then. So do I send that email or not?! And if I do, is a week long enough to wait? Should I wait a bit longer? I definitely will not wait more than two weeks because then I would just be drawing out the pain for myself rather than having a definitive answer either way. Thanks for any thoughts or input, j.
Trialbyfire Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I'm not a professional like your father but if someone needs space, you give them the space they need and more. The more you push or pressure them, the more they will withdraw. Never chase a runner.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I wouldn't fight - you aren't getting the whole story, and probably won't for a while. Until you do, you are fighting blind and futile. Tell him you want to break things off entirely, and tell him you need complete NC. Then take some time to clear your head and heart and try to move on with your life. NC is not a trick to get someone back. It is a time for you to detox, and move on. Check the pinned thread in Coping - the one about contacting your ex. You may find it helpful.
Anastasia0309 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Yes!!!! From experience! Give the man space! I so agree with "Do not chase a runner." Just keep busy and let it happen. I"f a man wants to be with you nothing will keep him away and if he wants to leave nothing will make him stay." Remember that everytime you want to call or text or make any kind of contact.
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