chris250 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 So I'm starting to have a crush on a female friend of mine. We've been friends for almost 2 years. The problem is that she says I'm like a brother to her. Now I've never told her that I like her as more than a friend. We've gone out to dinner, I've hung out at her place and watched movies. Sometimes when we would go out to dinner she would treat me and pay for the bill. Now about 3 months ago I stopped letting her treat me and I insisted that we each pay our own way. This way I don't get the wrong idea that she wants to date me. So what's the best way to transition this from friends to dating? Should I just start paying for more of the dinner bills in the future and hope that she gets the hint that I want more than a friendship? I'm thinking about asking her out for coffee and paying her way. I owe her for all the times she paid my way anyway. How many dates should I take her out on before asking her to be my girlfriend? Or should I just wait for her to ask me to be her boyfriend and continue to ask her out on dates while I wait? Or should I let her see me date other girls in the hopes that will get me out of her friend-zone?
Gremio Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 To be blunt, be a man and ask her! Just tell her how you feel. If you date someone else, she very well get the feeling you aren't interested in her. Any normal, sane person would feel that way.
zenith Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I need to ask you this first; how deep was your friendship? did you ever flirt with her? or did you act like her girl friend?
Author chris250 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 I've never flirted with her. We've only hugged. She initiates all the hugging too. I've thought about waiting another 2 months & if she doesn't show signs of romantic interest then I'll have to cut ties with her.
Gremio Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I've never flirted with her. We've only hugged. She initiates all the hugging too. I've thought about waiting another 2 months & if she doesn't show signs of romantic interest then I'll have to cut ties with her. Most women like to hug. There's someone I'm interested now and she hugs me all the time. I don't take it as romantic or a flirtatious hug by any means.
Enema Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Don't play games and try to drop hints. If you want to date her, tell her. Save both of you an assload of time and money.
perpdartNY Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 can anyone tell me what this "you're like my brother" thing is? i had something similar happen to me about two years ago. this girl, she was much older than i. she treated me as her younger brother; always taking care of me, driving me around and whatnot. what does it really mean when they say that? would like some input from you women. i have to admit, i had really liked her too. but alas, we haven't spoken in a about year or more.
belladonna Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 can anyone tell me what this "you're like my brother" thing is? i had something similar happen to me about two years ago. this girl, she was much older than i. she treated me as her younger brother; always taking care of me, driving me around and whatnot. what does it really mean when they say that? would like some input from you women. i have to admit, i had really liked her too. but alas, we haven't spoken in a about year or more. To be completely honest, I would never say "you're like a brother to me" to someone I was even remotely interested in. I would say it to someone that I liked as a friend only. In fact I see it as a way to tell someone you're interested in them only as a friend..in a nice way. All you can do is tell her how you really feel and see how she responds.
perpdartNY Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 it was something along the lines of that. not the exact words, maybe it was something like "it feels like you're my damn little brother". did that make a difference? lol i think we were more than regular hi-bye friends, we talked a whole lot. eh whatever... i was just asking out of curiosity. it happened like two years ago when i was fifteen-fourteen? come to think of it i was naive as hell. and chris sorry to thread crap.
messiah Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 i have the same problem, i like this girl at work we have been friends for like 2 months now we hang out, go gym like every morning, we flirt she always tries to show me her body parts at the gym like sticking out her bum and saying look my left cheek has a crease and what not. im just like :S today she said "we are gym partners so that makes us like brother and sister" what the heck is that supposed to mean? i should just tell her i like her and see how she responds.
kashmir Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 Getting comments that compare you to a brother or other family member are never good, unless the person has no problem with incest. One way you can combat this is make comments about how she looks like your sister or something. It's a bit of game playing, but if she really likes you then she's playing games with the brother comments as well. Honestly chris, it seems like you're deep in the friend zone. I can relate to you though, but I don't think my case is as bad as your's. I have a female friend who is pretty much my best friend. We still flirt a bit and hug each other and make other touchy-moves. She's definitely my #1 choice for girls to date, but I'm not hung up over her. I can be her friend and feel fine. Since I met her she's had the same boyfriend from high school, and if she and him ever break up then I'm going to try to escalate things. She's never called me a brother though, and she's maybe mentioned her boyfriend twice in all the time I've known her. It's a positive sign for you if the girl you're interested in isn't talking about other guys in front of you, but if she says something like, "So I met the cutest guy yesterday! Oh my god, I hope he asks me out," then you're pretty much screwed. I don't know any better way to escalate things besides leveling with her about your feelings. Just know that she'll probably give you the "just friends" speech, but hey, you never know.
D-Jam Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I'm in agreement that you should put it all on the table and risk losing her as a friend if she's not feeling the way you do. Although based on your words, it sounds like you're in the friendzone and she won't see you as boyfriend potential...unless maybe she wakes up one day in desperation mode and/or is out of options. This is why when I meet a woman whom I find attractive, I will be in flirt/interest mode right off the bat. I'd rather she reject me and we go our separate ways than end up in the FZ where I have to watch her date other guys...most of the time losers she'll then complain to me about. I'll only be friends if I don't feel anything deep in terms of attraction and yet I think she's cool as a person. If I can FZ her and not care if I'm dating her or not.
kashmir Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I'm in agreement that you should put it all on the table and risk losing her as a friend if she's not feeling the way you do. Although based on your words, it sounds like you're in the friendzone and she won't see you as boyfriend potential...unless maybe she wakes up one day in desperation mode and/or is out of options. This is why when I meet a woman whom I find attractive, I will be in flirt/interest mode right off the bat. I'd rather she reject me and we go our separate ways than end up in the FZ where I have to watch her date other guys...most of the time losers she'll then complain to me about. I'll only be friends if I don't feel anything deep in terms of attraction and yet I think she's cool as a person. If I can FZ her and not care if I'm dating her or not. It's fine having girl friends when you're not attracted to them or they don't talk about other guys when you're around. I've luckily never gotten myself in a situation where I liked a girl friend who would come crying to me whenever she had boy problems. That's one of the worst and most hurtful relationships a guy can have with a girl imo. The best solution to that is lay your heart out on the table for her to either take it or lose you forever.
Author chris250 Posted December 7, 2008 Author Posted December 7, 2008 I'm not even in the friend-zone. It's actually worse than that. It's the brother-zone. When a woman says I'm like a brother to her that's worse than being in the friend-zone. Now I wish that she would just be cold or indifferent towards me because that would really make me not want to be around her and help me forget about her. I would rather a woman be cold or indifferent to me if she won't reciprocate romantic interest. The brother-zone has stronger mixed signals than the friend-zone. She calls me 4 times a day 7 days a week. We went to breakfast and church together this morning. I mean she buys my dinner because I'm like a brother to her. She doesn't do that for her other male friends. They're in the friend-zone while I'm in the brother-zone. I don't question that she loves me as a brother and cares about me deeply but that the romantic feelings are NOT quite there. It's time for me to gradually wean myself off of her.
Gremio Posted December 8, 2008 Posted December 8, 2008 I agree with Seeker. Have you even told her how you feel? If you don't care now and want to "wean off of her" then what can you lose?
Author chris250 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 I still have my dignity to lose if I tell her how I feel. That's the risk I would be taking. What I don't understand is why women can never have romantic feelings for me in the future once they see me as a friend? I've known this girl for 2 years and it was only recently when I started developing romantic feelings for her. I didn't always feel this way from the day I met her. I saw her as just a friend for the first year and a half. So why can a guy develop feelings for a woman over time but a woman can't develop feelings over time? What is the difference?
carhill Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 So why can a guy develop feelings for a woman over time but a woman can't develop feelings over time? What is the difference? It's a generality. Every man and woman is different. My take is that the underlying dynamic for most men is sexual, so there is always latent sexual interest, purely as a function of testosterone-driven libido. Women are wired a bit differently and have a different relational bonding process. They can bond (as a friend) to a man and not have any latent sexual interest. Once bonded, they value that bond and man greatly and prefer not to risk it, even if they were to develop attraction later. Friends are "forever" The way she hugs you is indicative of this. OP, how old are you and are both of you religious? Is she dating someone right now?
Author chris250 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 It's a generality. Every man and woman is different. My take is that the underlying dynamic for most men is sexual, so there is always latent sexual interest, purely as a function of testosterone-driven libido. Women are wired a bit differently and have a different relational bonding process. They can bond (as a friend) to a man and not have any latent sexual interest. Once bonded, they value that bond and man greatly and prefer not to risk it, even if they were to develop attraction later. Friends are "forever" The way she hugs you is indicative of this. OP, how old are you and are both of you religious? Is she dating someone right now? I'm 28. We're both pretty liberal with our religion. We don't go to church that often. We're christian universalists. She is not currently dating anyone. She has been in a few relationships during the 2 years I've known her but they don't last long. A few months at the most. She keeps talking frequently about how she wishes she found mr. right. My response to her is usually "Well I'm sure he'll come. These things take time." I'm basically the guy that she comes to for advice and talks to me about her problems.
zenith Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 'DO NOT', I repeat, DO NOT tell her how you feel about her. I say you forget about her for now and move on... then you might have a chance in the future.
carhill Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 IME, based on the tone of the OP's postings, she likely already knows how he feels about her. Some things don't need saying, depending on his transparency. This is why she hugs him and tells him her problems. His aura is universally accepting. She knows how men normally are, especially after a string of STR's recently. The OP is markedly different. I think the decision whether to verbalize depends on the OP's tolerance for risk and the pain of romantic rejection by someone he's become a valued friend to and with. Personally, as a young person, I'd take the risk. As one gets older, I've noted that my emotions regarding such dynamics have changed and I don't get those feelings anymore. It's more "yeah, OK, whatever" and the consequences aren't as relevant. It's not as big a deal to agonize over. OP, I think this is key. Refrain from investing time and emotion here. That's what life experience has taught me. I advise this especially if the lady in question isn't similarly accepting of and interested in the details of your life. IOW, if the "problems" of your day aren't of consequence to her. This indicates a one-way street of friendship, likely predicated on your crush. What do you think?
Winnie B. Posted December 9, 2008 Posted December 9, 2008 Until you tell her about your feelings and get the answer, you will never know what she really feels Good luck!
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