dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 This is the last "major post" I wanted to put up. I wanted to break out the major parts of handling a breakup and getting over an ex into their own threads so anyone who was interested could find them easily. This is on rejection... WHAT REJECTION IS AND WHAT REJECTION ISN'T Feelings of rejection and failure are very common for the person who was left during a breakup. To be honest, I had a bigger problem with rejection that anything else in my own breakups. I simply couldn't handle the rejection. I just took it so...personally. I would get stuck on the fact that she didn't want to be with me. She saw almost everything about me and decided she didn't want it. I mean...a more personally degrading rejection than that doesn't exist, right? What a bunch of BULL$#!T! LOL! Actually I learned that a breakup is NOT a rejection of YOU at all. Your ex actually LIKED you and LOVED you. You know when real REJECTION takes place? Real rejection takes place in those few moments when two people meet for the first time. At that point, a decision is made "I have chemistry with you" or "I don't have chemistry with you". When a person in that situation says, "nah, I'll pass"…this is rejection. A break-up isn't really a rejection of you as a person. It's more so one of the following: 1) A rejection of the situation (someone wants to explore what's out there) 2) A rejection of the idea of commitment (a commitment-phobe) or 3) A rejection of some action or set of actions (someone cheats, lies, or acts needy, or clingy, or doesn't want to do anything, etc.) Reasons #1 and #2 have nothing to do with you. Reason #3 is about actions...well, you can change actions so that they don't affect future relationships. Look, the truth is you really weren't rejected at all. - Your ex thought you were awesome and attractive enough to be taken with you when they first met you. - Your ex thought you were great enough to get to know and spend time with! - Your ex thought you were sexy enough to have sex with the first time... - Your ex thought you did that sex thing so great the first time that they wanted to do it with you again...REPEATEDLY! - Your ex thought you were good enough to tell other people that you were a couple - Your ex thought you were good enough to tell you “I love you”…and mean it. Your breakup is NOT a rejection! When a person sees you and is ATTRACTED to you, and spends SO MUCH TIME with you that he or she FALLS IN LOVE with you and AFTER ALL THAT decides they want out of the relationship. Let me tell you something...that's NOT a rejection of YOU. It's more likely a rejection of the situation. OR A rejection of the institution of monogamy. OR A rejection of long-term commitment. OR It could be a rejection of your ACTIONS. Were you clingy, or needy, or nagging? Did you beg for anything? Did you fight or argue a lot? Did you let your ex think that he or she could walk all over you? Did you let your ex think you NEEDED him or her? Did you show a lack of self-respect? (Now, even if you did all of those things, it doesn't matter. You can’t be expected to behave perfectly and do all of the “right” things in a relationship. The fact is, whatever you did there are people out there who have done FAR worse. If you didn’t commit any crimes, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. Guilt is a completely useless emotion.) My point is simply this: Even if you did ALL of those things I listed, those are ONLY your ACTIONS. They're not you. If you were in a different relationship and did those same things, that one probably wouldn't work out either, right? So, your ACTIONS can change. No big deal. Taking stock of your actions is a part of developing as a person. So, whatever you did wrong in this relationship (HELL it could be as simple as "pick a better mate!") then just work on it for next time with the next relationship. It’s all about getting better!
kizik Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 You're a genius and a godsend to this site. I'm a straight man but I'd marry you. F*cking brilliant post about rejection here.
Author dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Hey, I tell people flat-out, I LOVE pussy! But I can definitely appreciate the sentiment, lol. I'm telling ya, I learned awhile back that it's really about getting the right frame of reference on these things. Once that happens, the rest of the delusional thinking about the ex and the breakup just...unravels.
EmperorR Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 another excellent post, I'll say thank you on behalf of all the lurkers
Vincent21212 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Definitely actions. I need to change my damn actions!
melissa123 Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 I absolutly love this post! Thats for posting all these! They are brilliant! I especially love this one! Thanks!!!
gennamoon Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 dns502475...I've been reading your posts and think they are incredible; however, what do you do when you need to get over and ex AND an "ex" friend? What I mean is this...I found out my ex (whom broke things off for the second time a little less than six weeks ago) is now dating my best friend of ten years. Obviously, I'm not friends with her anymore because she was hiding this behind my back, but I feel like I'm now dealing with a double whammy of losing my boyfriend and my friend. Since I know them both very well...it makes it harder with the obsessive thoughts, etc. We also were in the same circle of friends so that makes it horrible. A couple of the friends in the group have come to me to say they are so sorry and to hear my side of what has happened...the others haven't tried to approach me to hear my side, but are continuing on like everything is fine. I just don't know what to do. I just want to put it all behind me, but I feel stuck in (like I said) this double whammy of hurt.
Author dns502475 Posted December 4, 2008 Author Posted December 4, 2008 Thanks for the complimentary words about the posts. I'm glad they've been helpful to you. I read your story...that sucks. If you've read my posts to this point, you'll see that I am compassionate but still very much insistent that you, and you alone, are responsible for your feelings. You'll also see that I'm very big on making a decision as to how you CHOOSE to see things. Your ex-boyfriend is a piece of sh-t. You know it, and everyone who knows the both of you know this. Your ex-"friend" is someone to be pitied. I mean, when you think about it, what kind of person does that? A desperate one who can't find someone on her own. How do you think people in your circle of friends actually look at the two of them? How do you think they look at her, in particular? They see a backstabber and a slut. They see a person with no dignity or integrity. Your attitude should literally be one of "I hope you like my leftovers". If you haven't confronted this chick, you should definitely feel entitled to do so if you like. Get that anger out. As to how to handle it...well, the approach doesn't change. You still do the same things. I will tell you the truth...as sh-tty a thing as it was for this former friend to do, she has her own life to live and the right to do whatever she wants. And she has her own actions and consequences to live with. You now have to do what's best for Genna. You have to cut the both of them out of your life, and move on.
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