Engaged but scared like hell

[user128]

I have been with my girlfriend for about 8 years now and just the other day I asked her to marry me..But I am not sure if what I did was right. Not necessarily right, but if it was the right time. I know that I want to marry her, but I am just not so sure that I was ready to do it for myself. I may have did it because it was something she wanted and I was always hearing about it from her.

 

Now that its done and after it has soaked in a little bit, im honestly pretty damn scared because I have been thinking about ALOT about things.

 

I don't think I realized how big it would be for her and her family. I was not too happy with the way things went down with her parents when they find out. I almost felt like they were being forced to be happy for us, her father in particular had nothing to say and pretty much showed no emotion whatsoever. FYI, my girlfriend is from Trinidad and so are both of her parents. I am american. Her parents never got engaged, they just decided to just go get married, same applied to her brother, and her sister. Even though her sister got engaged they kept it to theirselves and no one found out until after they got married. This situation with her parents, more so her father, I did not handle too well. He seemed to think it was a joke and just made the whole situation uncomfortable and I seriously felt like leaving her house...

 

Then it seemed like it took a day before her WHOLE family knew about it, probably more than 200 people and already her sister, sister in law, and my girlfriend are planning the colors, dress, flowers, ect... for the wedding. I told my girlfriend that I did not want to get married until I was either finished or very close to finishing my school, which would be about 1.5 years.

 

Its been two days since my engagement, and am starting to realize my school loan, my car loan, and 2 credit card bills. Once everything is added up, I am about $50,000 in debt.

 

The shape of the economy is scaring the **** out of me. I am having fears about my financial issues along with the economy, that I may not be able to support her and the marriage when that time comes in 2010.

 

I am not particularly at ease with her father, and I am not so sure I will be comfortable with living at her house while we save for our own place. My marriage will be happening around the same time I finish school, so my goal would be to finish school and get a good job to be able to get a place without even living with her parents.

 

We had discussed a small wedding in Mexico where we have vacationed twice already, but now this whole wedding is turning into something HUGE, something I did not expect.

 

I tried to confront her because I was getting the impression that everything was being planned and set in stone without me having any say, but I she simply said that she is excited and cannot dream about how the wedding will be?

 

I feel like with the stress I am already under, and having more stress of her dreaming and planning about the wedding is a bit too much right now since everything JUST happened. It is a big step and now that it has soaked in, I am starting to feel alot of pressure about the responsibilities, expectations, the committment, being able to support her and the marriage, ect...

 

I am honestly freaking out, lol

[whichwayisup]

Talk to her about how you're feeling and wait until you're both really ready to make this step. Maybe now the timing isn't good, hopefully she'll see this and understand.

 

Nothing wrong with living together and enjoying eachother as things are now.

[user128]

Talk to her about how you're feeling and wait until you're both really ready to make this step. Maybe now the timing isn't good, hopefully she'll see this and understand.

 

Nothing wrong with living together and enjoying eachother as things are now.

 

Thanks for the honesty. I did try confronting her about it today over the phone but it was something she did not want to hear and got upset. She told me "what I am not supposed to be excited about the day I waited so long for"?? She asked me if I wanted to take back the ring and call it off...

 

 

I would also like to add one more thing

 

I am also not too happy with our sex life and honestly never have been. It seems as though I am always begging for it and am always the one who tries to get something started. She has openly said to me that its not important to her and that she can live without it and thats something that is not on her priority list. She has said to me that she cares more about what a relationship has to offer. She does not enjoy sex and makes me feel like I make her only do it for me. Its more of a stick it in, get it done, and get it out thing with no passion. I try to just not do anything when we are together alone just to see if she will spark anything, but my sexual urge is just too much for me to handle and have a high libido.

 

"She tells me that all I want is sex and you are only with me because of it"

 

She has blamed her low sex drive on the fact that we are not married, and that maybe once she gets married she will feel more at ease with expressing her self. That is seriously the biggest load of horse **** I have ever heard in my life

[michelangelo]

You really need to step back. If she is ignoring you and turning the marriage planning into a big female fantasy that really has nothing to do with you and your relationship with her, then you need to stop this.

 

If sex is unimportant to her now it will not get better for you after marriage.

 

If the reason it is unimportant is that the two of you are sexually incompatible, then you need to address this.

 

Do you really want to spend a lifetime unsatisfied and with a wife who is unsatisfied with you?

 

One day she or you will stray if this is left unaddressed.

 

I'm thinking that you ought to step back from this relationship and focus on school and getting your career launched. You deserve a woman who loves you, lusts after you, and respects you as important. She deserves that too, btw.

 

Seems like you two are just moving along on expectations born of 8 years of a hesitant relationship.

[user128]

You really need to step back. If she is ignoring you and turning the marriage planning into a big female fantasy that really has nothing to do with you and your relationship with her, then you need to stop this.

 

If sex is unimportant to her now it will not get better for you after marriage.

 

If the reason it is unimportant is that the two of you are sexually incompatible, then you need to address this.

 

Do you really want to spend a lifetime unsatisfied and with a wife who is unsatisfied with you?

 

One day she or you will stray if this is left unaddressed.

 

I'm thinking that you ought to step back from this relationship and focus on school and getting your career launched. You deserve a woman who loves you, lusts after you, and respects you as important. She deserves that too, btw.

 

Seems like you two are just moving along on expectations born of 8 years of a hesitant relationship.

 

again, thanks for your honesty...

 

As you guys can probably guess, we both live at home, but we live less than a mile away from each other. I am always going over to her house to see her and spend time with her and socialize with her and her family. She used to make time to come over here to see me and spend time over here as well, but that is not happening anymore and has not happened for some time...I am not too happy about that. I offer her to come over and just spend time together while watching a movie a show on TV or something but she quickly refuses and tells me to go to her place. I am not asking for much... She seems to have something against my mother or the person she has been seeing for 9 years or something but the thing about it is there used to be no problem with her coming over here but she hasnt been here in a long time and my house, mother, and spending time with her here is something that is important to me too...

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm thinking that you ought to step back from this relationship and focus on school and getting your career launched. You deserve a woman who loves you, lusts after you, and respects you as important. She deserves that too, btw.

 

Seems like you two are just moving along on expectations born of 8 years of a hesitant relationship.

I agree 100%. If it's really the right thing to do, no one has to talk you (or guilt you) into it. Listen to your gut instinct, it's rarely wrong in these kinds of things...

 

Mr. Lucky

[user128]

maybe she just wants to be married just for the sake of being married...she has been egging it on for a while about a ring and about how long we been together. I dont think I am ready... I enjoy my life just the way it is, for me it seems as though I can never get out of debt because once I pay something off then comes something else. I want to enjoy my life a little bit when I finish school. I dont want to get married then have a kid(s) and have no chance to enjoy a new salary

 

 

i honestly did not realize how big an engagement could be until i let it soak in and thought about EVERYTHING from how much my life and finances will change and with the issues we have now, im not sure if i can commit to those issues for a lifetime since marriage will last a lifetime

[user128]

I have also been wanting a motorcycle for sometime now and she was getting all bent out of shape whenver I go to hooters to the point where i have not been in a long ass time now and have given up on that motorcycle thing...

 

its my life, and i want to do things in my life and experience things in my life before i settle down.

 

she is a very church person and tries to go every weekend, and is also in the choir for christmas. church is very important to her.... me on the other hand am not religous and was not brought up having a religous background. i dont mind going once in a while but if i get married, will it be a thing where I am often going to church??? I feel like I will just be faking myself if that happens

 

the more i think about issues now then factor in "lifetime".... i am uneasy about marriage and the rest of this relationship because if i am uneasy about marriage why stay together. its pointless really

 

if she was to come across this, she would swear my family is behing my way of thinking... as if they control my feelings, what i want, and what i think

[theBrokenMuse]

the more i think about issues now then factor in "lifetime".... i am uneasy about marriage and the rest of this relationship because if i am uneasy about marriage why stay together. its pointless really

 

I don't mean to sound rude or harsh but you have been with this woman for this long and basically don't love her, why on Earth would you propose?! At least that's what I get from the whole 'why stay together' comment. End things with her today. She deserves someone who actually wants to be with her and isn't just hanging onto her because she's the one who happens to be a few minutes down the road. I think it would damn near kill me to think that someone had kept me around for such paltry reasons and wasted eight years of my life as a result. Don't get married. Just walk away. She'll recover and bounce back eventually. She's better off without a partner who's indifferent towards her.

 

Oh, and you will find that many women who believe strongly in marriage will not wait around forever until you feel like it might be something you could possibly want so I doubt she is just using you to get married, she just expects that would be the next step in your relationship and wants you to **** or get off the pot. Next time around be more careful to find someone who feels the same way about commitment as you do. There are plenty of women out there that are nonchalant about such things.

[movingonandon]

Man, I can't give you the support you're looking for --> You don't sound just anxious, you sound miserable and unhappy with this woman. The sex, and actually much more importantly - her attitute towards it and you alone would indicate major problems later on. As hard and unthincable it may sound, I'd recommend breaking the engagement and getting the hell out of this situation. This is a decision about the rest of your life...

[2sure]

I am honestly freaking out, lol

 

Yes indeed you are. And your timing is right too, many people have great anxiety when they initially get engaged. Its like it all starts to sink in. And thats good too, because there are many more engagements than actual weddings. In fact, I'm surprised as a student with a debt load you were able to purchase an engagement ring comfortably.

 

Even though you have dated for 8 years, you must be young. You both live at home and you are still in school. 50G in debt is not so bad (with student loans) depending on what your degree is in. You still have a 1.5 years to go. You have goals. School, job, house, family. These things dont just happen and you are doing what you need to do to attain them. Doing them in order is not mandatory - but it sure helps and is a good formula for happiness and success. Living with your in laws until you graduate, find a job, start paying back student loans....seriously?? She thinks this a good idea? Is this your plan??

 

Her family apparently does not practice "engagements" and big weddings. It is possible her father's response was because he feels he may be expected to finance this grand event and has no plans to. Where does your gf think the money for anything is going to come from??? She is planning themes, colors, etc. with a budget of $0??

 

And having to beg for sex. Perfect. You have dated 8 years, you are youngish. Sex is not an issue to go into a life long committment with.

Bail, Bail, Bail.

[whichwayisup]

Then don't settle. She isn't as sexual as you, that will only get worse as you both get older and married for a longer time.

 

Not saying call it off, just don't set ANY date. Be engaged, do couples counselling together if need be.

 

One thing, don't CONFRONT her, have a nice talk, an honest and open talk. This doesn't have to turn into a big fight and fact is, she seems to not "hear" what you're saying, nor does she want to understand. Her reaction is "FINE, let's call it off" and that's not really what you're saying..

[Mr. Lucky]

Not saying call it off, just don't set ANY date. Be engaged, do couples counselling together if need be.

That strikes me as unfair to her. Getting married and starting a family is obviously a priority for her and she's already 8 years into this relationship. If the OP doesn't want to commit and can't say when he'd be ready, shouldn't he cut her loose?

 

Mr. Lucky

[user128]

Well I tried to confront her about it all and basically sent me on a guilt trip. She does NOT want kids...at ALL.......

 

This is how it went down and I am really not sure where to take it from here.

 

 

- I told her that I wanted to improve our sex life because I felt like the intimacy was not genuine since I am always the one getting something started, I recieve no hugs in bed...I tend to be the one always cuddling her. She has never really had a high libido and its the same ol' position all the time and I am the one doing all the work. I am always giving it to her and she will never take control. She simply told me that if I can go to church and accept god in my life then sex will get better since she thinks that sex should happen in marriage anyway and is very self conscience about having had sex outside of marriage...

 

- I told her how I felt about how I am close with her family and how I spend time at her house and that my family is just as much important to me as it is to her. I have not seen her at my house for probably 4 months minimum or more. She knows that my father passed away in 1996 so naturally I am closer to my mother since she is my only parent left. I know that she does not accept my mothers boyfriend of 9 years which I understand... my mother does not want to get married again. She told me that she is working two jobs and has no time to come over followed by just not being close with my family in general, she compares her family to mine and I will admit that there are indifferences between our families, but I am not asking for much. If I can make time at her house, she can make time at mine, its only fair...even if its to just come by for an hour or so. Oh yea she told me that I was a momma's boy and needed to let go

 

- My reasons for freaking out are as follows. Just about everyone of my family members on my mothers side, the relationship did not last. Fathers side is a little more stable. I will do what I can to make divorce a last resort in marriage and do whatever I can to work out our problems. I suppose that after I got engaged and let it soak in for a bit I was a little self conscience and alot of "what if's" went through my head about the marriage ending in divorce. In particular, I believe that good sex makes a relationship strong along with lusting for each other while she seems to think otherwise. There were times where we would be intimate once a month or not even at all. I will not be in a marriage where there is lack of intimacy to the point where there is none at all...I just dont think that by improving my interest in church and going to church to try and accept god will improve my sex life and how she feels about sex should happen in marriage and that its the only way it will improve...... I dont know thats a big risk because I dont want to test a marriage to find out and be unhappy if nothing changes when I have vowed to myself to never get a divorce. After all intimacy has been lacking for 8 years and we are just not compatible sexually.

 

- I want to be a father thats the reason I want kids, to give them better than what had and be a husband that will be better than my father. Isnt that what parents usually do anyway? Set examples for their kids and family to do better when its time for his kids to get married and start a family? I thought so....

[theBrokenMuse]

Well I tried to confront her about it all and basically sent me on a guilt trip. She does NOT want kids...at ALL.......

 

This is how it went down and I am really not sure where to take it from here.

 

 

- I told her that I wanted to improve our sex life because I felt like the intimacy was not genuine since I am always the one getting something started, I recieve no hugs in bed...I tend to be the one always cuddling her. She has never really had a high libido and its the same ol' position all the time and I am the one doing all the work. I am always giving it to her and she will never take control. She simply told me that if I can go to church and accept god in my life then sex will get better since she thinks that sex should happen in marriage anyway and is very self conscience about having had sex outside of marriage...

 

- I told her how I felt about how I am close with her family and how I spend time at her house and that my family is just as much important to me as it is to her. I have not seen her at my house for probably 4 months minimum or more. She knows that my father passed away in 1996 so naturally I am closer to my mother since she is my only parent left. I know that she does not accept my mothers boyfriend of 9 years which I understand... my mother does not want to get married again. She told me that she is working two jobs and has no time to come over followed by just not being close with my family in general, she compares her family to mine and I will admit that there are indifferences between our families, but I am not asking for much. If I can make time at her house, she can make time at mine, its only fair...even if its to just come by for an hour or so. Oh yea she told me that I was a momma's boy and needed to let go

 

- My reasons for freaking out are as follows. Just about everyone of my family members on my mothers side, the relationship did not last. Fathers side is a little more stable. I will do what I can to make divorce a last resort in marriage and do whatever I can to work out our problems. I suppose that after I got engaged and let it soak in for a bit I was a little self conscience and alot of "what if's" went through my head about the marriage ending in divorce. In particular, I believe that good sex makes a relationship strong along with lusting for each other while she seems to think otherwise. There were times where we would be intimate once a month or not even at all. I will not be in a marriage where there is lack of intimacy to the point where there is none at all...I just dont think that by improving my interest in church and going to church to try and accept god will improve my sex life and how she feels about sex should happen in marriage and that its the only way it will improve...... I dont know thats a big risk because I dont want to test a marriage to find out and be unhappy if nothing changes when I have vowed to myself to never get a divorce. After all intimacy has been lacking for 8 years and we are just not compatible sexually.

 

- I want to be a father thats the reason I want kids, to give them better than what had and be a husband that will be better than my father. Isnt that what parents usually do anyway? Set examples for their kids and family to do better when its time for his kids to get married and start a family? I thought so....

 

YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE. I don't know how many more people have to say it before it sinks in. If you get married, you'll end up miserable because the sex life isn't going to change miraculously once you get married and the kids thing is going to leave one of you very bitter and resentful. Not to mention it's very obvious that you aren't in love with this woman. It's time to let go, for her sake and yours.

[user128]

well.... she broke up with me. Gave me back the engagement ring and the promise ring... including my shorts

 

not really sure whats going on or what im feeling. Seems like everything went downhill after I got engaged. I think I just started looking at things in more detail than just brushing them off my shoulder. She always wants to argue and im not emotional enough for her. I think I started losing interest sometime ago though.

 

- I couldnt see myself living with her folks

- She gets offended whenever I spend time with my family...She bitched at me for being one of 7 guests to attend her sonogram of her first child... bitched at me for going to dinner with my mother... blah blah

 

**** it, its over, and i think i might be kinda happy. too much crap to list

 

Man engagement is so weird. I was going to wait until after christmas to break it off but Im glad she did it instead.

 

Cowboys are winning

 

 

 

it sux though, christmas will be lonely

[sb129]

I think you have both made the right decision. If you are a little bit relieved this early on, you will be very very relieved in a years time.

 

You sounded totally incompatible, and those things do not get fixed by a marriage license.

 

Christmas will still be OK, you have your family.

[user128]

Yea I suppose. She put me in a real uncomfortable situation when she did it though... Her family was home at the time and I knew what was coming so I was really pissed off at the fact that there was no privacy since sounds travel through air vents and the walls are not well insulated. I just knew her family was hearing everything. I told her let me leave so that we can discuss this at a different time, everytime i tried to leave she pulled me back even when she said it was ok to leave.

 

Sure enough when I finally did leave, her mother acted really strange and started to cry.... So i know she was listening in on what was being said.

 

Alot of things went wrong over the past couple months. I feel relieved thats done now though. It was 8 years though...I feel fine now but I am sure I'll feel upset as time goes by.

 

I never really kept in contact with past friends either, and current friends are either marrried or have babies so no chance on getting them to come out and ease the situation... oh well. love sucks and relationships suck balls.

 

now i can make decisions when i want and do what i want and go about as i please without anyone holding me back. i feel like im not anyone else's responsibility anymore

[user128]

relationships are tough and i certaintly dont want another one anytime soon. they stress me out too damn much. i have lazy eyes too, always looking at other girls. maybe now is the time to build my balls back up and stop being so shy. for the past 6 years i gave up on talking to other girls due to the fact that i felt i didnt really need to talk to them since i was already in a serious relationship....