dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Hi again everyone, I posted this in another thread but as I looked it over, I thought it was really important, so I decided to give it it's own thread altogether. I hope no one minds. I'm not trying to monopolize the board or anything, I just want to make some of the more important topics easier for people to find. CONTROLLING YOUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS: This is really what it comes down to. All the other stuff I've written is the playbook and the theory. This is the actual "game on the field". Your mind is the battleground. You can have all of the philosophies and beliefs and knowledge of "what's true and not true" in the whole world. But if you don't know what to actually do to control your thoughts and emotions, then you're in trouble. See, you're still going to have obsessive thoughts. You're still going to feel like someone kicked you in the stomach...hard...and is doing so repeatedly. You're still going to think they're the most wonderful person God ever placed in Creation. You're still going to wish you could hear their voice or touch them, or have sex with them. You're still going to obsess about who they're with and what they're doing. You're still going to feel rejected and as if you weren't "good enough" for them. You're going to say to yourself "well, it wouldn't hurt to just call or email or text or IM and say hello". (isn't it amazing how in just 5 minutes "hello" turns into "how could you just fall out of love so easily you cold, heartless, succubus ice-bitch!?!?") These are LIES. And you're going to be tempted to believe these lies. This is what getting over a breakup is. CREATING YOUR COUNTER-THOUGHTS I'm a 33 year old guy...and as such, I believe EVERYTHING IN LIFE can be properly explained through either a football or baseball analogy, lol. This is true of both the Spread Offense as well as Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Your well-being and self esteem is the quarterback. The obsessive thoughts are the players from the opposing team trying to sack your quarterback. Your counter-thoughts are your quarterbacks offensive line. These are the thoughts and visualizations you have to put into play every time you have the obsessive thoughts. These are the guys who block the other team's guys and keep them away from your quarterback. You can't really "stop" your obsessive thoughts. What you CAN do is keep in mind that they are just exaggerations and untrue. And then you fire back with your big guns...your counter-thoughts. Your counter thoughts should be about things that totally make you and you alone happy. It's best if they are your dreams and personal goals. Prior to meeting your ex, what were your life goals? -Is it to build a huge successful corporation? -Is it to see the world? -Is it to perform onstage for a large audience as a dancer, singer or musician? -Is it to star in a movie? -Is it to write a great novel? -Is it to become a doctor or save lives in some kind of way? -Is it to be in excellent physical shape and have a fantastic body? -Is it to be attractive to members of the opposite sex? (or same sex depending on your orientation) Whatever these thoughts are to you, they are YOURS and they are your BEST line of defense against the obsessive thoughts trying to weigh you down. MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS: Now, sometimes, you're going to feel overwhelmed. You're going to get tired of trying to fight the obsessive thoughts all day. You're going to have those moments where you just "give in". When this happens, you're going to be prone to going into an emotional tailspin. When this happens...let it. It's ok. This is when you'll have to switch from strategies to control your thoughts to strategies to manage your emotions. The best method I've seen to manage and control one's emotions goes as follows: Step 1: Get to a quiet place. (Even if you're at work and you have to resort to taking an empty stall in the bathroom, no problem. Hey...it is what it is.) Step 2: Begin breathing very deeply. Focus on your in and out breaths. Literally follow the breaths from where they begin to where they end. Focus on the sensation of the inhales going through your nose and into your lungs. Focus on the sensation of the breath going out of your lungs and how it feels on your upper lip. Each time try to make the breath deeper, fuller and longer. Step 3: Watch your thoughts and feelings. Just WATCH and EXPERIENCE them. Do not ENGAGE them. Your thoughts and emotions will just pop up...seemingly from nowhere. It's important not to actively engage them. Don't initiate the thoughts, and don't stop them either. Just watch them like you're at an aquarium and you're watching the various forms of underwater life come and go. (IMPORTANT: Don't lose focus on your breathing while "watching" your thoughts and emotions.) If you do this, an interesting thing will happen within a few minutes...you'll begin to feel detached from the emotions and thoughts. You'll actually see just how much random stuff you really do think about. A lot of it won't be breakup or ex-related. You'll see just how temporary the thoughts and emotions are. They'll rise and fall...come and go. And you'll feel much better.
Cub Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Another excellent post, dns! I have been bookmarking pages with your advice on them because of how practical your mini-guides are.
Author dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 Whattup Cub, Thanks for the replies. I'm glad that the posts have been so helpful. I live in D.C. now but I was actually born and raised in Detroit/Southfield. I just came into town to visit the fam. I'm in Southfield right now. Where you from in the city?
Cub Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Oh ho! Someone else from the D (or at least the metro area)! I live in Southwest Detroit, myself. Nice to meet ya.
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