V.Vixen Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I NEVER thought i would be one of THOSE people. lol YOU know, the ones who find something wrong with ever person they date. I am beginning to think it is true. I am not looking for perfection, but I find something wrong with every guy I date and break it off with them. Is this a defense mechanism or what?! Maybe this isn't the problem at all and I am really not that picky, it's them? Insight?
MN randomguy Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Yes, you're going to find something wrong with everyone. No one's perfect, not even you. Trick is.. What's a deal breaker for you? A lot of people believe the myth that they can "have it all". Its a great fantasy it keeps you from setting priorities.
amaysngrace Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 It could be a defense mechanism. It could be commitment-phobia. Or it could be that you're just picky and genuinely aren't turned on by these guys. It could also be that you like your freedom way too much to lose it to a relationship. Especially to a guy who just doesn't do it for you. What do you think?
movingonandon Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 (assuming that you don't have the "Prince Charming" complex, in which case I would recommend an enema ), the best way to do it is to ask yourself what qualities do you actually *need* in a person. If you're just looking for something wrong, you will always find it . I try to use the exact opposite approach: every girl starts with an "A" in my book, and it is up to subsequent revelations of her character to sustain it or lower it
XxBacktoBlackXx Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think maybe I am this way, too. I think it's a defense mechanism.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 It could be a defense mechanism. It could be commitment-phobia. Or it could be that you're just picky and genuinely aren't turned on by these guys. It could also be that you like your freedom way too much to lose it to a relationship. Especially to a guy who just doesn't do it for you. What do you think? A mix of the 3. You are pretty much spot on with all 3. A big part of me misses relationships, but I got out of a marriage to a drug addict and have grown so much since then, I think I am just scared to lose the independence I have built, and nervous to get involved and fall for the wrong guy again.. ya know?
johan Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 When I was younger, I would weigh what could be a painful ending against the joy of companionship, and the companionship won out. Particularly because it was companionship with someone to whose imperfections I was so blind that I thought she was almost perfect. Now I weigh what is almost guaranteed to be a painful ending against the joy of companionship, and it's pretty even. But when I put the imperfections onto the scale the companionship loses out. I'm the opposite of naive now. That probably equates to "doomed" or "pathetic" or "jaded" or "exhausted". One or more of those. It definitely means I sleep alone. You, too, can sleep alone. An electric blanket makes that easy.
Author V.Vixen Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 (excuse me if I start to not make sense, I just took nyquil.. lol) The thing is that I know that no one is perfect and if a man sold me that short by looking for my "bad" things I would be so disappointed in him. I just don't know why I can't see it as "all good" until he shows me the bad, instead of LOOKING for the bad. I am really realizing more and more that I have a wall up and if I trust that a guy is right for me, it means I am once again vulnerable to a man.. which I haven't been in years.
amaysngrace Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think I am just scared to lose the independence I have built, and nervous to get involved and fall for the wrong guy again.. ya know? Yeah I know. I definitely know. Hold out then and if you meet someone you maybe want to get to know just go really slowly so you can keep reassuring yourself that you're making a good decision. It's freakin hell though, what goes through your head. Maybe you already know that which is why you avoid it?
SierraRose Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 V, instead of giving you an opinion, lemmie tell you my experience.. I am 39 years old. I've dated, been married, b/f...seen it all. I am not a bar fly, my friends know only so many friends, so I resorted to internet dating. For the Love of God, why? I dunno..thought it would be a "good way" to meet someone...Yeah..not-so-much. I have not met one man I could see myself on a second date with, let along LTR. Remarriage for me sounds like a fantasy. It's not you, trust me. I am not striving for perfection. I understand we all have flaws. Good God, iron your shirt BEFORE you put it on. Shave. Clip your fingernails and above all use mouthwash. Talk to me like a lady, not a bar buddy. Don't pick your nose. Got an issue? Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Ear hair? Trim it, there are tools for that. No, I don't want to go back to your house after knowing you for 2 1/2 hours. Those who are rich, don't need to make that known; nor do I need to hear about your financial woes. I have my own thankyouverymuch. V, you're gonna have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet Prince Charming. All I can say is be patient, don't settle and when it's right? It will hit you like a ton of bricks...
Author V.Vixen Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 V, instead of giving you an opinion, lemmie tell you my experience.. I am 39 years old. I've dated, been married, b/f...seen it all. I am not a bar fly, my friends know only so many friends, so I resorted to internet dating. For the Love of God, why? I dunno..thought it would be a "good way" to meet someone...Yeah..not-so-much. I have not met one man I could see myself on a second date with, let along LTR. Remarriage for me sounds like a fantasy. It's not you, trust me. I am not striving for perfection. I understand we all have flaws. Good God, iron your shirt BEFORE you put it on. Shave. Clip your fingernails and above all use mouthwash. Talk to me like a lady, not a bar buddy. Don't pick your nose. Got an issue? Excuse yourself to the bathroom. Ear hair? Trim it, there are tools for that. No, I don't want to go back to your house after knowing you for 2 1/2 hours. Those who are rich, don't need to make that known; nor do I need to hear about your financial woes. I have my own thankyouverymuch. V, you're gonna have to kiss a lot of toads before you meet Prince Charming. All I can say is be patient, don't settle and when it's right? It will hit you like a ton of bricks... I hear this all the time. I also know so many people who have boyfriends. Maybe they settled... who knows. I do the internet dating, but not very seriously. I take dates from wherever I can get them because that is one frog closer to that hypothetical "prince" Thank you for reminding me that, even though I may have a little issue with instantly seeing, good men arejust hard to come by. sighhh, I think I am a good catch, someone will realize that one day, AND be right for me... right?
SierraRose Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I do have an available cousin...Staten Island, FDNY, 6'2", 220 lbs., great guy, can't find the right girl...
Isolde Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Learn the art of telling red flags apart from lovable flaws. (I haven't figured it out either, don't worry.)
pandagirl Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I think you're doing ok, V. Yes, it seems like you are scared to make yourself vulnerable to someone again, but rest assure -- when you are ready, the right guy will come along.
Nemo Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Something is definitely worng. Very worng indeed. Actually, make a list of your good and bad qualities. If the "good" list is much longer than the "bad" list, then you have an ego problem.
ramplady Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Dating is rough. I definitely had a wall built up when I was dating. I would let it down a couple of times and had a swift dose of reality. I began to question myself constantly. Finally I just called off all men and just focused on myself for a change. I did things that I wanted to do. Explore hobbies and spent time with myself. Really figured out what made me genuinely happy. (Reading in a park,going skydiving, joined a bowling league, etc.) Found out that I did not NEED a man to keep me happy. After this I met and fell in love with my wonderful husband. I just got lucky or it was fate but I found that trying to separate myself from the "game" I found what I was looking for all along. He is definitely not without his faults and neither am I. I just feel like we can handle most of life's ups and downs together and still have a good laugh about it. I wish you the best of luck and when the right man comes along you will know it. I just had to trust my own judgment first and everything fell into place.
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