dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 First of all, to those of you who've read my posts, thanks a lot. And I appreciate the replies from those who've said they've found them helpful. A broken heart, and unrequited love can, if unchecked, result in both severe psychological and physical health issues. And even for most of us who do eventually move on, we endure unnecessary pain and suffering. The self-esteem plummets, our careers or schoolwork suffer. Depression sets in and our personal life becomes non-existent. Obsessive and ruminating thoughts & visions monopolize your thinking. You lose your motivation to do much of anything. I've had a couple of people ask if I could go into more detail about how to get to the point of "wanting" to get over your ex instead of "wanting" them back. Wanting to get over your ex or an non-reciprocating love interest is, first and foremost, about adopting certain philosophies. A person who, after a breakup, decides he or she wants to get over their as opposed to "wanting their ex back" is basing their decision on certain beliefs and understandings they absolutely consider to be truths. BELIEF #1: A BREAKUP ONLY LEAVES TWO POSSIBLE SCENARIOS THAT CAN MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I PURPOSEFULLY CHOOSE TO PURSUE THE OUTCOME THAT IS COMPLETELY UNDER MY CONTROL. Outcome 1: Your ex lover decides they want to take you back Outcome 2: You decide to WANT to get over your ex Outcome 1 is completely outside of your control. It leaves you powerless and asking everyone who will listen to your story for their "opinion" of what your ex is thinking. Basically, you want someone to "get inside your ex's head". Outcome 2 means that you're done. It means that you know that it's just as good, if not better to simply eliminate your desire for the person, as it is for them to come back. You do not want them back even if your feelings betray you at the moment. It means that even if they wanted you back in the future, you would not be interested. It means that you have taken the posture of "I deserve better than someone who can take me or leave me". The great Roman emperor, Marcus Aurelius said: "The source of your pain is not from the object lost, but rather your esteem of that object; and that estimation is under your control at all times" Pursuing Outcome #2 is all about changing your esteem of your ex. BELIEF #2: THE FALSE HOPE OF RECONCILIATION IS THE "GREAT DECEIVER" OF BREAKUP RECOVERY AND I REFUSE TO HUMOR IT. Once someone ends a relationship, that's it. This is absolutely crucial. The "hope" of getting back together (which, actually is NOT hope at all, but rather desperation and fear of abandonment or rejection) is a killer. Real hope is the type of hope you have for yourself and your future. The "Hope or Fear" Test: 1) Ask yourself the following question: "Given the current situation I'm facing...is the outcome that I desire based more on my decision or the decision of another person?" 2) If your answer to the above question is "me" then, it's hope. 3) If your answer to the above question is "another person" then it's fear. When you choose to want to get over your ex, you are actually walking forward in FAITH and HOPE. BELIEF #3: THERE ARE TENS OF THOUSANDS, IF NOT HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF POTENTIAL SOULMATES FOR ME OUT THERE. Another belief dangerous to your recovery is that of "The One". This makes for great movies and books, but in real life...there is never a "One"...in ANYTHING. Leave the whole "There Can Only be One" thing to The Matrix and Star Wars. BELIEF #4: JUST BECAUSE I LOST AT BEING IN-LOVE IN THIS INSTANCE, DOESN'T MEAN I LOST THE ABILITY TO *BE* IN-LOVE. Even though you feel terrible at the moment, you know you'll fall in love again. BELIEF #5: MY EX IS NO LONGER A PRIORITY OR A DECISION-MAKING FACTOR IN MY LIFE. WHAT HE OR SHE WANTS, THINKS, FEELS, OR IS DOING IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. BELIEF #6: WHAT HE OR SHE IS DOING AND WITH WHOM HE OR SHE IS DOING IT IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT AND NONE OF MY BUSINESS. AND WHAT I'M DOING IS NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS EITHER. BELIEF #7: I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO GIVE INTO ANY ILL-PLACED DESIRES TO WANT SOMEONE WHO DOES NOT WANT ME. This is central to self-esteem in relationships. BELIEF#8: I AM GREATER THAN MY EMOTIONS. Believe me...you are. 3
foxh1234 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Another incredible post. Keep posting, it will really help people. I wish I had read this 8 months ago.
IcemanJB Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 dns, do you have professional training in this sort of thing? Or has it been more of a trial and error sort of thing? Either way your logic is simple, to the point, and something anyone can follow. You acknowledge that breakups and some of the emotions with it just plain SUCK; but still manage to show a path if someone truly wants to move ahead. This is incredible stuff. Again, awesome work! Perfect timing, by the way.
Knight_Ctrl Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 man.....this is one of the most helpful things I've ever read....things still suck right now but I feel that I know what I have to do...even if I DID want her back, I don't think I do now. Thanks dns502475:) 1
Author dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 CONTROLLING YOUR THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS: This is really what it comes down to. All the other stuff I've written is the playbook and the theory. This is the actual "game on the field". Your mind is the battleground. You can have all of the philosophies and beliefs and knowledge of "what's true and not true" in the whole world. But if you don't know what to actually do to control your thoughts and emotions, then you're in trouble. See, you're still going to have obsessive thoughts. You're still going to feel like someone kicked you in the stomach...hard...and is doing so repeatedly. You're still going to think they're the most wonderful person God ever placed in Creation. You're still going to wish you could hear their voice or touch them, or have sex with them. You're still going to obsess about who they're with and what they're doing. You're still going to feel rejected and as if you weren't "good enough" for them. You're going to say to yourself "well, it wouldn't hurt to just call or email or text or IM and say hello". (isn't it amazing how in just 5 minutes "hello" turns into "how could you just fall out of love so easily you cold, heartless, succubus ice-bitch!?!?") These are LIES. And you're going to be tempted to believe these lies. This is what getting over a breakup is. CREATING YOUR COUNTER-THOUGHTS I'm a 33 year old guy...and as such, I believe EVERYTHING IN LIFE can be properly explained through either a football or baseball analogy, lol. This is true of both the Spread Offense as well as Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Your well-being and self esteem is the quarterback. The obsessive thoughts are the players from the opposing team trying to sack your quarterback. Your counter-thoughts are your quarterbacks offensive line. These are the thoughts and visualizations you have to put into play every time you have the obsessive thoughts. These are the guys who block the other team's guys and keep them away from your quarterback. You can't really "stop" your obsessive thoughts. What you CAN do is keep in mind that they are just exaggerations and untrue. And then you fire back with your big guns...your counter-thoughts. Your counter thoughts should be about things that totally make you and you alone happy. It's best if they are your dreams and personal goals. Prior to meeting your ex, what were your life goals? -Is it to build a huge successful corporation? -Is it to see the world? -Is it to perform onstage for a large audience as a dancer, singer or musician? -Is it to star in a movie? -Is it to write a great novel? -Is it to become a doctor or save lives in some kind of way? -Is it to be in excellent physical shape and have a fantastic body? -Is it to be attractive to members of the opposite sex? (or same sex depending on your orientation) Whatever these thoughts are to you, they are YOURS and they are your BEST line of defense against the obsessive thoughts trying to weigh you down. MANAGING YOUR EMOTIONS: Now, sometimes, you're going to feel overwhelmed. You're going to get tired of trying to fight the obsessive thoughts all day. You're going to have those moments where you just "give in". When this happens, you're going to be prone to going into an emotional tailspin. When this happens...let it. It's ok. This is when you'll have to switch from strategies to control your thoughts to strategies to manage your emotions. The best method I've seen to manage and control one's emotions goes as follows: Step 1: Get to a quiet place. (Even if you're at work and you have to resort to taking an empty stall in the bathroom, no problem. Hey...it is what it is.) Step 2: Begin breathing very deeply. Focus on your in and out breaths. Literally follow the breaths from where they begin to where they end. Focus on the sensation of the inhales going through your nose and into your lungs. Focus on the sensation of the breath going out of your lungs and how it feels on your upper lip. Each time try to make the breath deeper, fuller and longer. Step 3: Watch your thoughts and feelings. Just WATCH and EXPERIENCE them. Do not ENGAGE them. Your thoughts and emotions will just pop up...seemingly from nowhere. It's important not to actively engage them. Don't initiate the thoughts, and don't stop them either. Just watch them like you're at an aquarium and you're watching the various forms of underwater life come and go. (IMPORTANT: Don't lose focus on your breathing while "watching" your thoughts and emotions.) If you do this, an interesting thing will happen within a few minutes...you'll begin to feel detached from the emotions and thoughts. You'll actually see just how much random stuff you really do think about. A lot of it won't be breakup or ex-related. You'll see just how temporary the thoughts and emotions are. They'll rise and fall...come and go. And you'll feel much better. 1
EmperorR Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 thanks for this thread, adds to bookmarks, you don't know how much it helped.
Author dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 ENMESHMENT: WHY AND WHAT YOU "WANT"...A LITTLE PSYCHOLOGY LESSON (AKA: WHAT THE F-CK JUST HAPPENED!!!) First of all, the "want" you feel after a breakup is a very normal and necessary thing psychologically. The primitive part of your brain referred to as the 'limbic system' which houses your flight-or-fight response has perceived a threat. You've lost a part of yourself and the want you feel is simply to get that part of you back. However, it's a bit misguided. It thinks that the part of you that's been lost is with the other person. That's because psychologically, you've done what's called "enmeshment". You have mistakenly identified your ex as a part of you. When your ex leaves, naturally, your brain logically assumes that the "loss part of yourself" is with the ex because...well...that's who left, lol. But really, what happened is that you lost yourself when you became enmeshed waaaaaayyy before the breakup. What you really WANT is to retrieve the personality that was you PRIOR to enmeshment. 1
Author dns502475 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 dns, do you have professional training in this sort of thing? Or has it been more of a trial and error sort of thing?... Hey IcemanJb, thanks for the positive responses. To answer your question, actually it's a bit of both. To tell you the truth, my background & education initially had nothing to do with this stuff. In college I studied business & finance. I actually own a consulting practice that I've grown with my two partners who are lifelong friends of mine from childhood and we all attended college together. I was an pretty active musician both growing up and in my college years and early 20s. Needless to say, I ran through so many women during those years I kinda lost count. I mainly hooked up with girls who were just looking for fun. I wasn't out to hurt anybody. I settled down a bit a year or so after college and met a woman I swore I wanted to marry and she absolutely crushed me. I'm 6'2 and about 215 lbs and this little 5'1 cutie with hazel eyes just brought me to my knees, lol! Funny thing is I don't even think about her now. To tell you the truth, I hope she's doing well. But at the time, I was devastated! I was in a deep depression for about a year. I didn't have anybody who really understood this stuff to talk to back then. Well, a pastor at the church I was attending at the time could tell that I was having a very hard time and pulled me aside and counseled me every week for a few months. What he taught me was invaluable. Although he was a pastor, what he taught me was just plain old common sense about how to view myself. No church propaganda or anything. I also decided that it was time for me to take much more responsibility for my role in these breakups. So, I read a lot about relationships and personality development and psychology. I actually developed a real passion for the field. I took psychology courses and received training in relationship as well as behavioral counseling and worked on a volunteer basis as a counselor to people dealing with relationship issues. I've been doing so for about 6 years now and I've had the opportunity to help dozens, if not hundreds of people in situations like these. A few years later, I found myself with a woman I was in even more deeply in love with than the first, and she dumped me to give things a try with her ex-husband who I thought was completely out of the picture. Well, this time my response was totally different. When she left, I wasn't phased. My life didn't come to a halt. I was hurt, sure. But not crushed. I made the decision right when she broke up with me that I no longer WANTED her. I didn't call, write, text, email her or anything. I didn't take her calls or anything. I followed the steps I listed on this site and I bumped into her about two years later and she actually admitted that she had made mistake leaving me for her ex husband, but this was after two years had passed and we both had completely moved on. But anyway, that's my story. Some training, yes, but the REAL LIFE experience has been the true teacher.
Recommended Posts