always waiting Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Ok so I'm new here...... Here's my story. We haven known each other for 3 and half years and the connection was there from day one. He is married and I knew from the start, I met them together. We have been friends in the same social group the whole time. Last year we kissed, and again about 6 weeks later. Last summer we kissed again and started talking on the phone. At this point I ended my three year relationship, MM and I started seeing other talking everyday, its now 5 months later and we are still together. He is having a hard time leaving her same old same old (money, kids). The wife makes comments about me, and how she thinks we are together..... but never seems to look into it she really should check his phone records. So the question is should I help her found out about us or not. He says he wants to leave and not tell her about me, just start dating afterwards...... So let me have it......
NoIDidn't Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I say tell her. If for no other reason than for you to see how he is playing you. He is lying to you about what she does know. It sounds like she suspects something but he won't tell the truth if confronted. If you are thinking that telling her will get you him, I've got bad news for you.
wildsoul Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 So the question is should I help her found out about us or not. He says he wants to leave and not tell her about me, just start dating afterwards...... So let me have it...... So your objective is to stay with him; is that right? If you've already discussed this with him, and he doesn't want to tell her himself, then surely he'll be very upset with you if you do! Has he given you a definite timeline on when he is going to separate and/or ask for a divorce? You'll find that many people here will tell you to exit the relationship w/ him until AFTER he's dealt with ending his marriage. You'll also find that many (most?) of us OW didn't follow that advice. And it sucks usually, because the guy will drag it on forever, especially if he can eat his cake and have it too.
Author always waiting Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 He says she makes comments and he says nothing is going on.... Thanks for saying the truth I didn't think helping her find out would get him..... but a gal can wish
Author always waiting Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Yes my plan is to stay with him, waiting it through. He has not given me a timeline, he says he is confused, not about who he wants to be with. But how to leave his family and not lose everything..... I tell myself I will only wait until June maybe July. Should I tell him thats all the longer I will wait or let him think he has no time and needs to chose now
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I can only answer from a W's standpoint: I would want you to tell me, if for no other reason than to confirm that I'm not crazy. YOU would be doing ME a huge favor. For yourself and my stbxh? Not so much...
Geishawhelk Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 ....he says he is confused, not about who he wants to be with. But how to leave his family and not lose everything..... I hate to say it but this is rubbish. Divorce pretty much means that couples may have joint custody, and finances are arranged in such a way as to assist the children. His fear is nothing to do with leaving his family and losing everything. His 'fear' is about admitting to his wife what's happening, and losing a bolt-hole. I tell myself I will only wait until June maybe July. Should I tell him thats all the longer I will wait or let him think he has no time and needs to chose now Why? What's so magical about 'June, maybe July'? What's the point of prolonging your agony, and pandering to his needs only? If you have the courage, and if you really want to bring this to a head, tell him you want to know by the end of next week. And by the end of next week, if he chooses you, he must have come clean and been honest with his wife. His response will tell you exactly how committed he is to an exclusive future with you. If you want to know, you have a right to ask. But once you have the answer, don't let him play the yo-yo with you....
NoIDidn't Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Always You are in for a world of hurt. You met them together? She knows that something is up. You met them together. He probably spoke about you a lot and now barely mentions you. Its all a pattern. Has he told you that he has never cheated before? Or that you are the last time he will cheat? It matters. You sound like you are very much taken with this man. And for that reason, you are in for a world of hurt. He can't leave and not lose something. That's not fair. And its not realistic. He is living in the clouds and not thinking this through.
GreenEyedLady Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 So basically you've been in a R with him for 5 months...I'd put my money on him not leaving ANYTIME soon. Men are not just going to chuck everything they've worked so hard building, for an unknown. And that's what you are now, an unknown. I want you to think about his opinion of you right now. He knows that you know his W socially. What do you think he thinks about that? What does that tell him about you? What would it tell you about someone else? You have not been with him long enough in order for tight bonds of love and loyalty to have developed. It doesn't matter how long you've been in the same social circle. It's a completely different thing. Think about how much your social circle means to you. You can lose your friends and their respect. Is this man really worth it for 5 months of your life? He is not confused. He knows exactly what he wants. And he has it, doesn't he? GEL
Author always waiting Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 I did try to end it before but when he calls I melt...... Nothing magical about June or July it will have been a year thats all... Our friends have caught on, the guys make jokes to him about me, I think she (the wife) really no's and is waiting for it to be over. In a group setting he has always flirted with me, but just now he said she really is making comments about us so the last social event he hide it a little better.
bentnotbroken Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I did try to end it before but when he calls I melt...... Nothing magical about June or July it will have been a year thats all... Our friends have caught on, the guys make jokes to him about me, I think she (the wife) really no's and is waiting for it to be over. In a group setting he has always flirted with me, but just now he said she really is making comments about us so the last social event he hide it a little better. She is waiting for it to end or to nail you two to the wall. I waited with hammer and nails in hand. Needless to say, neither life will ever be the same.
bentnotbroken Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 He says she makes comments and he says nothing is going on.... Thanks for saying the truth I didn't think helping her find out would get him..... but a gal can wish Wishing for the destruction of a family and kids to be hurt. Wow!
NoIDidn't Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 So basically you've been in a R with him for 5 months...I'd put my money on him not leaving ANYTIME soon. Men are not just going to chuck everything they've worked so hard building, for an unknown. And that's what you are now, an unknown. I want you to think about his opinion of you right now. He knows that you know his W socially. What do you think he thinks about that? What does that tell him about you? What would it tell you about someone else? You have not been with him long enough in order for tight bonds of love and loyalty to have developed. It doesn't matter how long you've been in the same social circle. It's a completely different thing. Think about how much your social circle means to you. You can lose your friends and their respect. Is this man really worth it for 5 months of your life? He is not confused. He knows exactly what he wants. And he has it, doesn't he? GEL This is what I was thinking when I said "you met them together?" twice. And based on her response to this, "the guys" don't respect her either. A guy is not about to give up his respected (assumed, I know) wife, for his disrespected (and possibly assumed to be unrespectable by her behavior towards a friend) girlfriend. And, GEL, you are right. He is not confused. He is just trying to figure out the best way to keep "waiting", well, waiting.
Mino Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Yes my plan is to stay with him, waiting it through. He has not given me a timeline, he says he is confused, not about who he wants to be with. But how to leave his family and not lose everything..... I tell myself I will only wait until June maybe July. Should I tell him thats all the longer I will wait or let him think he has no time and needs to chose now How many YEARS do you have in you to wait? Its amazes me how much confusion a grown man has when it comes to making a move... Just be prepared to hear one reason after another. And once you do set deadlines together, how many times he wont have the balls to do it..I think my count was up to double digits:sick:
Mino Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I can only answer from a W's standpoint: I would want you to tell me, if for no other reason than to confirm that I'm not crazy. YOU would be doing ME a huge favor. For yourself and my stbxh? Not so much... question.... why would she want to do the w a favor?
Mino Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 So basically you've been in a R with him for 5 months...I'd put my money on him not leaving ANYTIME soon. Men are not just going to chuck everything they've worked so hard building, for an unknown. And that's what you are now, an unknown. I want you to think about his opinion of you right now. He knows that you know his W socially. What do you think he thinks about that? What does that tell him about you? What would it tell you about someone else? You have not been with him long enough in order for tight bonds of love and loyalty to have developed. It doesn't matter how long you've been in the same social circle. It's a completely different thing. Think about how much your social circle means to you. You can lose your friends and their respect. Is this man really worth it for 5 months of your life? He is not confused. He knows exactly what he wants. And he has it, doesn't he? GEL Have to agree with you Gel, 5 months are nothing, and he will not decide anytime soon, he will prolong as long as possible. (YEARS)There is a book, I think they go by "1000 and one excuses, and then they recycle the ones they already used... Hope you have time, patience, and are made out of steel.
frannie Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Our friends have caught on, the guys make jokes to him about me, I think she (the wife) really no's and is waiting for it to be over. In a group setting he has always flirted with me, but just now he said she really is making comments about us so the last social event he hide it a little better. Argh. This is horrible. HE is putting you in this position with his 'confusion'. What does that say about the level of respect he has for you?
Author always waiting Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 I know it sounds like everyone elses stories, but because I'm in mine it feels so different. Because we have been friends for so long, and I know how he is around his wife and I know how she is. I know he is happier with me, but I dont think that is enough the kids are a big part and I respect him for that. I now dont get to talk to him everyday like before, due to her job being laid off until the end of the year. That is the hard the part, I just feel lost. I know everyone thinks I;m crazy and a loser and should run fast but its hard to let go.
frannie Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 I just feel lost. I know everyone thinks I;m crazy and a loser and should run fast but its hard to let go. It is very hard to let go, yes. I think reading responses here sometimes helps because it puts his behaviour into perspective? And hopefully no one thinks you're crazy or a loser; if they do they probably shouldn't be offering to 'support' anyone on this board
Owl Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Perhaps it might help you to realize that your situation...while it seems special to you...is hardly unique? In other words...while this all seems new and scarey and all...for you, it seems to follow the standard "affair script" that most of us have seen repeated numerous times over the years. You're not doing anything that any other OW hasn't done...he's not doing anything "special" that any other MM hasn't done. And that means the likely 'next steps' and final outcomes are also very, very likely to be where your situation is headed. Something to consider...that means that perhaps your BEST questions now shouldn't be focused on "why" or "how"...but maybe "what next" or "where does this lead me"?
lonelyandfrustrated Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 question.... why would she want to do the w a favor? Did I imply that she would? I thought I was pretty clear in saying that it would be in the w's favor to tell, and probably pretty messed up for her and the H. But again, why wouldn't she want to do this woman a favor? It's not like the W has done anything horrible to the OP. Unless you count being married to her boyfriend as a bad thing, lol.
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