Leaving My Husband

[Trialbyfire]

"Fuel the marriage"? What an interesting expression.

 

Well said.

Love is the spark, that combined with fuel and oxygen, create combustion which turns over the engine and keeps the car going.

 

Thanks.

[carhill]

Advance the timing too much and you melt the pistons

[JamesM]

Only one person is needed to add the fuel that ignites the spark that makes the car drive beautifully.

[Trialbyfire]

Advance the timing too much and you melt the pistons

If you retard the timing too much, you're in deep trouble.

 

Only one person is needed to add the fuel that ignites the spark that makes the car drive beautifully.

No oxygen, no combustion.

[carhill]

Comparing marriage to otto-cycle combustion dynamics is probably a bit of a stretch, but, hey, I've got the time if you've got the gas

[Trialbyfire]

Draw any analogy you want, that makes sense to you. A marriage is the sum of all parts. If one part is broken or MIA, it's not going to work.

 

In this situation, she's done her part in bringing his attention to the problem. The only reaction she got was when she issued an ultimatum. Even then, he's not doing his part. So it's up to her to create the consequences for his actions by walking. No one person should have to keep a marriage going. Talk about exhausting and needless.

[dead-dyke]

Draw any analogy you want, that makes sense to you. A marriage is the sum of all parts. If one part is broken or MIA, it's not going to work.

 

In this situation, she's done her part in bringing his attention to the problem. The only reaction she got was when she issued an ultimatum. Even then, he's not doing his part. So it's up to her to create the consequences for his actions by walking. No one person should have to keep a marriage going. Talk about exhausting and needless.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is stupid.

 

Spark plugs are fouled. Decent car nonetheless - Take it to the scrap yard, or fix the plugs? I noticed there are a lot of women saying walk, too. Just an observation. No one knows the full story.....

[Trialbyfire]

This is stupid.

 

Spark plugs are fouled. Decent car nonetheless - Take it to the scrap yard, or fix the plugs? I noticed there are a lot of women saying walk, too. Just an observation. No one knows the full story.....

I think there are two kinds of people. Those who feel they need to control and others that believe adults are responsible for themselves. You decide which one you are. I know which kind I am. Let live.

[RecordProducer]

The only time I got a reaction out of him was when I said I wanted to leave him.

I am starting to believe in "the power of goodbye" more and more as I gain more marriage experience. It's worked both ways (me feeling threatened and my partners feeling threatened by me).

If communication doesn't work, suggest a trial separation and really go for it. But don't give in aftera week. Procrastinate as much as you can, once separated.

 

The good news is:

1. Even the warning brought results in the past to youcan be certain that he will start chasing you.

2. It's only for strategy purposes, so you don't need to make huge financial plans and whatever. If you work or have assets in the bank, rent a place (take your kids with you, if any) and leave. Then watch him sweat! If eh doesn't chase you, he isn't worth the trouble anyway, so you're better off without him.

[carhill]

Even better if you can get him to fix the house up for you

 

There are all kinds of methods to madness

[LakesideDream]

I am starting to believe in "the power of goodbye" more and more as I gain more marriage experience. It's worked both ways (me feeling threatened and my partners feeling threatened by me).

If communication doesn't work, suggest a trial separation and really go for it. But don't give in aftera week. Procrastinate as much as you can, once separated.

 

The good news is:

1. Even the warning brought results in the past to youcan be certain that he will start chasing you.

2. It's only for strategy purposes, so you don't need to make huge financial plans and whatever. If you work or have assets in the bank, rent a place (take your kids with you, if any) and leave. Then watch him sweat! If eh doesn't chase you, he isn't worth the trouble anyway, so you're better off without him.

 

 

Wow, a lot of changes in you RP. It's interesting to not how "born again hard" you've become.

 

As for this lady, it does seem like she's made a decision. I noted that no place in her post has she extolled the virtue and love that they should have shared in the beginning. Oversight? This makes me wonder how much "marriage" is left to salvage.

 

Having been on both sides of one of these situations I can say without reserve that staying in a relationship without hope is silly. Nobody gains from that situation except the one benefiting from the housework being done (if not shared).

 

As for the "leave and make him chase you" tactic, I'm not with you there. I believe that is cruel and unnecessary. It's just a power grab, and abuse. There must be a better way to communicate.

[dead-dyke]

Record producer - 'I am starting to believe in "the power of goodbye" more and more as I gain more marriage experience. It's worked both ways (me feeling threatened and my partners feeling threatened by me).

If communication doesn't work, suggest a trial separation and really go for it. But don't give in aftera week. Procrastinate as much as you can, once separated.

 

The good news is:

1. Even the warning brought results in the past to youcan be certain that he will start chasing you.

2. It's only for strategy purposes, so you don't need to make huge financial plans and whatever. If you work or have assets in the bank, rent a place (take your kids with you, if any) and leave. Then watch him sweat! If eh doesn't chase you, he isn't worth the trouble anyway, so you're better off without him.'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is good advice - Once something important is gone, you should, if you want to stay w/ SO, do the work to fix it. My dilemma: Wife and I separated so I could get my act together. She told my family 6 mos. While 1 month in, I went home (maybe a panic stricken chase for her?) and caught her w/ my nieghbor. So, what was her plan? to have fun w/ the nieghbor while I'm freaking out, or was she making my bed for someone new? Point is, if I didn't catch her, I would have likely been back w/ her, and her and the nieghbor would be giggling behind my back - 'back-fire'.

 

So - she didn't chase. And I still have love for her, a year and a half later. Dumb, huh?

This was working for me to fix what I was doing wrong, but only for her to develop a problem in the background I wasn't supposed to find out about. Till this day she admits nothing, hasn't apologized, and our future is no more. It is a worth while strategy, if the other is serious about it. And doesn't get sidetracked.

[Dexter Morgan]

Is it ever right to leave your husband when all the following happen:

 

1. There is no sexual attraction at all. I think of him more like a friend or brother than lover. This has been the case for many, many years now.

 

Yes. If you think you may end up cheating because there is no attraction, then yes, break it off.

 

But the question is, why is there no sexual attraction? Is it purely physical? Or is it simply because you have been with him for so many years and the idea of not having a new face depressing for you?

 

Is the attraction diminished because he is abusive towards you? It all depends why.

 

 

 

2. Your husband never responds to your requests for needing an occasional compliment.

 

No. Men can fall into this rut. it doesn't mean that they don't think you deserve a compliment. Some men just get comfortable and tend to not think about those things. But I hear of this all the time from women who admit that they never compliment their men either, yet expect it on their end.

 

If he is just apathetic, it can be worked on. Not a reason for divorce. It would seem that if lack of compliments is the excuse to divorce, then you were simply seeking a reason in the first place.

 

 

3. Your husband is emotionally absent.

 

Again, no. but only if you haven't communicated and tried to work on this. If you tried and he is unresponsive, then you talk to him that you are thinking about divorce. If that doesn't snap him out of it, then you may just have to proceed.

 

 

4. Your husband is depressed and refuses to do anything about it (i.e., medications that helped before) and the wife is an upbeat, positive person.

 

No, not a reason for divorce. This is where you need to help him. Force it on him, tell him you want him to see a doctor OR ELSE you are thinking of leaving him.

 

 

The only time I got a reaction out of him was when I said I wanted to leave him. What would you do?

 

Well obviously then he cares whether you stay or go. He is just stubborn. I think men may feel like they are less of a man if they have to seek medical or theraputical attention for things like depression.

 

 

I feel like I gave and gave for more than 10 years and now I have nothing else to give.

 

Thank you for your responses.

 

 

Seems to me if he is depressed, then thats why he exhibits these other behaviors. So that is the heart of the problem right there. That is where you start. You tell him all the things you are feeling and that they stem from his depression. So he either seeks out a doctor for this, get on Xanax, whatever, but do something about it or you are history.

[RecordProducer]

Wow, a lot of changes in you RP. It's interesting to note how "born again hard" you've become.

Should I take this as a compliment?

 

This makes me wonder how much "marriage" is left to salvage.

You wouldn't belieev how much can be left there with a proper post-separation effort put into working things out.

 

As for the "leave and make him chase you" tactic, I'm not with you there. I believe that is cruel and unnecessary.

I believe this is cruel but necessary, way too often.

 

It's just a power grab, and abuse. There must be a better way to communicate.

Often it's not about communication; it's about lack of appreciation and taking people for granted. By desperately trying to communicate your needs to them, you're showing them even more that they're hurting you and thus have control over your happiness (because they make you unhappy). This puts you in a very inferior position. You want to show self-respect and draw a line that you won't cross anymore. How can you ask someone to be emotionally warmer or sexually desirable? Talking about it will only result in one of two things: faking or ignoring it. When you dump their ass, they genuinely have the desire to seduce you and then they genuinely want to put some effort into keeping you because they are genuinely afraid of losing you again.

 

This is good advice -

Actually, your story diminishes the power of goodbye. If trial separation results in such resentment that the abandoned partner turns to sleeping with someone else, then it's no good. How do you know that your wife didn't do it precisely because you left her.

[marlena]

Often it's not about communication; it's about lack of appreciation and taking people for granted. By desperately trying to communicate your needs to them, you're showing them even more that they're hurting you and thus have control over your happiness (because they make you unhappy). This puts you in a very inferior position. You want to show self-respect and draw a line that you won't cross anymore. How can you ask someone to be emotionally warmer or sexually desirable? Talking about it will only result in one of two things: faking or ignoring it. When you dump their ass, they genuinely have the desire to seduce you and then they genuinely want to put some effort into keeping you because they are genuinely afraid of losing you again.

 

I agree with this. You can not talk a person into feeling what they don't feel. Often, taking action is the only recourse. That said, however, even then, I wonder if people can REALLY change in the long term.

[dead-dyke]

 

Actually, your story diminishes the power of goodbye. If trial separation results in such resentment that the abandoned partner turns to sleeping with someone else, then it's no good. How do you know that your wife didn't do it precisely because you left her.

 

 

She left me. Or rather kicked me out, because I needed to do some work. Justified. That's how I know the power of goodbye works if you love someone. The power of 'HELLO!', on the other hand was just devastating.

[RecordProducer]

I agree with this. You can not talk a person into feeling what they don't feel.

Exactly! Simply and nicely put.

Often, taking action is the only recourse. That said, however, even then, I wonder if people can REALLY change in the long term.

Actions always speak louder than words. After all, everything in life appears in some form of a blackmail. If you rarely respond to your friends' calls, they will forget about you. If you're often late for work, you will lose your job. If you don't take good care of your kids (or your own health), they will turn bad. Nothing in this world is unconditionally ours and nothing can be taken for granted. Not even your own life. (Maybe the love of your parents can. )

 

As for permanent changes, I think feelings can change; personality can't (or at least to genuinely). They may change their actions, though.

 

She left me. Or rather kicked me out, because I needed to do some work. Justified. That's how I know the power of goodbye works if you love someone. The power of 'HELLO!', on the other hand was just devastating.

So she kicked you out because she wanted you to change. But before she had the chance to see any changes, she went for another guy? Is that correct?

[dead-dyke]

 

So she kicked you out because she wanted you to change. But before she had the chance to see any changes, she went for another guy? Is that correct?

 

 

Precisely. Sometimes I know I make sense, but typing it, sometimes I'm coming off as unclear to what I'm trying to convey. Sorry for the confusion. Your theory does work is all.

[pelicanpreacher]

Prior to separating from her husband I think the OP should sit down with her husband and ask him point blank...

 

"Do you believe in the vows you made to me when we got married?..."Think carefully about your answer before making it"!

 

(Whatever his answer)

 

OP, is then to follow his answer with the fact that he has broken his vow to love and cherish her and, by abandoning her for his own self-interests, has committed infidelity by indulgence unto himself. (A bit of a stretch but since we're exhausting all options...) Then she should follow-up by saying that because he and he alone chose to break the covenant in this manner that he has failed in his obligations and killed the marriage. Finally, she should inform him that if he wants a new marriage that they must start anew as two individuals and that she is willing to pledge a commitment to honestly, enthusiastically, and faithfully devote herself to a new marriage if he demonstrates the same commitment by showing her daily that he desires her love and company else he should remain as he is without her for the rest of his life. End the convo by telling him to think carefully about his answer for he shan't get another opportunity to break her heart again!

[Emily_1234]

I feel bad for not addressing each person's responses. You each had such important, valuable information - and I thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.

 

This isn't easy for me. And I know it's not easy for my husband. But I keep thinking in my heart as different stages of this separation unfold that I'm moving in the right direction for me.

 

I originally approached my husband about my thoughts six months ago. Initially, he told me I had the problem and I should be the one to go to counseling. Since then, he's softened on that position. And this is where you will probably all not like what I have to say - but I don't have it in me to go to counseling now. To me, I've tried to talk to him for five years about different aspects of our marriage - and never, literally never, did any of my words or concerns make a difference.

 

There's never been another man - just the idea that a marriage or relationship should be more fulfilling emotionally ... and physically, too. Ironically enough and this is deeply personal. But I used to think I didn't have a sex drive and our problems in the bedroom were my fault. Then 1-1/2 years ago, after expressing my lack of libido to my gynecologist, he simply asked, "Are you happy in your marriage?" It was a major reality check. I hadn't thought of that as the problem. I talked to my husband about it ... but it was one of those one-sided conversations.

 

I asked my husband to show me more affection, more foreplay, thinking that might help. But he NEVER did. Our kiss at night was a quick sweep of the lips and a mumbled, "I love you." Even though I asked for more. It's actually kind of pathetic in hindsight to have to beg for a real kiss. Don't you think?

 

Another interesting side note. When my husband and I were dating (maybe about 2 years in the relationship), I caught him kissing another woman that worked in his office building. I told him to get out (he was living with me) and said that I was kind of glad that I caught him because I realized I wanted to be treated better in a relationship. Well, he persisted and wormed his way back into my life - and I've since wondered if that's where I made a mistake. He was attentive until he came back and I allowed that to happen by not breaking up with him years ago.

 

Those same issues resurfaced and here I am again. Except this time ... I feel like I'm being strong and doing what's right for me. Trust me ... I wish I could preserve my vows. I feel like a failure.

 

I know you all don't know me - and I'm not saying I don't have my faults - but I do know that I've tried in many, many ways to express what I needed in my marriage to no avail.

 

At what point do you have to do what's right for you no matter how scary the road ahead may seem?

[marlena]

At what point do you have to do what's right for you no matter how scary the road ahead may seem?

 

When you are all talked out to no avail. My opinion is that a person shouldn't beg to have his needs met. It is demeaning to say the least. It should be something the other partner urgently feels the need to do simply because his/her own happiness resides in making his/her partner happy.

[dead-dyke]

Let me just say, if what you say is true, then you have tried. He seems to be the selfish one. If my wife had done a fraction of what you say you did, I'd be happy. You did try. It seems he helped you come to your conclusion. No, you shouldn't have to beg and plead for kisses, and what not. You made him aware, and by the sounds of it, would have been comfortable putting the blame on you. It takes two. That's just one individuals somewhat educated opinion.

[Trialbyfire]

When you are all talked out to no avail. My opinion is that a person shouldn't beg to have his needs met. It is demeaning to say the least. It should be something the other partner urgently feels the need to do simply because his/her own happiness resides in making his/her partner happy.

No kidding! If you've hit this point, even if they meet your needs after begging, your emotional well-being has been drained. Keep doing this and you'll have nothing left, running way below negative.

 

Edit - I should add that if you want to be treated with respect and dignity in a relationship, you'd better be prepared to dish it out.

[RecordProducer]

But I keep thinking in my heart as different stages of this separation unfold that I'm moving in the right direction for me.

There is no right or wrong direction. You need to FEEL contentment, and often when we are angry and frustrated, "breaking dishes" makes us feel much better. Whatever you choose, follow your heart, but keep in mind that fears, insecurities, anger and sadness are also part of our hearts. It's not just desires and dreams.

 

I originally approached my husband about my thoughts six months ago. Initially, he told me I had the problem and I should be the one to go to counseling.

Of course!

 

And this is where you will probably all not like what I have to say - but I don't have it in me to go to counseling now.

No, we like what you say. HE doesn't like it. Because it doesn't suit him. This is between you and your husband, not between you and yourself. But he is trying to make you feel guilty and basically make you shut up and pretend you're happy. You not only need to dump him, but he is "asking" for it. Don't worry, he'll be running after you in no time. Let me guess: your husband is one of those tough guys who pretend to be always strong and always right. He is not a schmuck.

 

To me, I've tried to talk to him for five years about different aspects of our marriage - and never, literally never, did any of my words or concerns make a difference.

As I said, he is asking for it.

 

I talked to my husband about it ... but it was one of those one-sided conversations.

They will always be one-sided until he has something to lose. Trust me, he doesn't want to lose you. Men like him, if he doesn't like you he will be very sweet to you and let you know in a very gentle way that he no longer wants to be with you. He's the type of man who wouldn't be with a woman he doesn't love. I know you find it hard to believe that he loves you because of his emotional ice, but trust me, you're one suitcase away from hearing him say "I am in love with you. Please come back home." But you have to endure the temptation to say YES immediately. String him along for a while if you want longer-lasting results.

 

It's actually kind of pathetic in hindsight to have to beg for a real kiss. Don't you think?

It's fine. It helps you know that you tried everything and you started with the nice approach. It makes you feel better knowing that it's HIS fault and it helps in the separation process because he recalls very well that YOU were the one who begged - and now it's his turn.

 

He was attentive until he came back and I allowed that to happen by not breaking up with him years ago.

This is why you need to keep it longer, to scare him. But don't let him lose hope completely. Just string him along for as long as you can and show him how much you respect yourself.

 

Those same issues resurfaced and here I am again. Except this time ... I feel like I'm being strong and doing what's right for me.

The fact that you took his crap for a long time is in your favor actually, because it will give him more material to chase you (he knows he did you wrong many times, even though he pretends it was all your fault).

 

Trust me ... I wish I could preserve my vows.

He didn't preserve his.

 

I feel like a failure.

Look, this is love. We admire and cry for those who are hurting us. You didn't choose this concept, mother nature did. You need to always make him feel insecure about your relationship in order to have him wrapped around your finger. His tough-guy image is just a farce, believe me when I'm telling you. He'll turn into a big-eyed puppy the moment you start packing - and go back to his old self the moment you return, unless you make him sweat for a long time. Why do I say longer? Because he wants to get things as soon as he snaps his fingers. And, as much as begging seems humiliating, the moment he begs, he's just snapping his fingers. If you go back to him immediately, it will only show him that he could be cold to you for years and you'll put up with it, but the second he winks at you, you'll run back to him.

 

I know you all don't know me - and I'm not saying I don't have my faults - but I do know that I've tried in many, many ways to express what I needed in my marriage to no avail.

I know. Faults have nothing to do with love. You wanted to give and receive love. He didn't. But he makes you feel like your faults prevented him from showing love. If you were better, he'd love you more.

 

At what point do you have to do what's right for you no matter how scary the road ahead may seem?

Look, people will tell you that you have to pack your bags and slam the door without looking back if he doesn't make you happy, no matter what awaits you next. This is not true. You gotta do what's best for you and often it's choosing between two evils. But I really think that he won't let you disappear from his life. Don't be discouraged if he opens the door for you and calls you a cab. It's their way of playing it cool - until they see you mean business. He may also start threatening you, don't fall for that. It's BS.

[LoveJonesRomance]

but in many situations, only one person actually starts the process for change. This initiative by the one can cause change in the other.

Based on this, I would like to think she made some efforts to change the situation:

2. Your husband never responds to your requests for needing an occasional compliment.

4. Your husband is depressed and refuses to do anything about it (i.e., medications that helped before) and the wife is an upbeat, positive person.

I wonder how else one can help someone who refuses to be helped?