Better with her and thinking of me than with me and thinking of her?

[Eyeofthoth]

GD I am having trouble coping. Thanksgiving was really rough, as last year we were together and I was indescribably happy.

 

This year was about the 6 month anniversary of the break-up and miserable for me. Of course I focussed on what I have, as I am very thankful for those things, but I missed him incredibly and the memories of a year ago reactivated a lot of grieving in me.

 

I'm trying to get comfort whereever I can. We broke up after he experienced renewed feelings for his ex, which were tormenting him so that he felt he needed to revisit that situation.

 

I know that as of about 6 weeks ago, he was thinking about me "all the time" and "really missed our friendship."

 

It isn't what I want, of course, but hey, maybe it is better this way than the other way around?

 

I am pretty sure he is having major commitment issues due to a terriblly sad first marriage, and so he will be doing this one way or the other: no matter who is he with he will wonder if he should be with the other person, because that is his hedge against commitment.

 

 

Maybe . . .

 

I dunno. Why must I torture myself thinking about it at all?

 

Because I really, really love him.

 

It's pathetic, but it's true.

[Anastasia0309]

Well, I definatly know what your going through. You sound alot stronger then me when I was dealing with it. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with this during holiday season. Well, how long did you all date? And how long after his last relationship did you all start dating? Did this feeling for her come up out of nowhere or were you kinda aware?

[Eyeofthoth]

Hi Anastasia -

 

Thanks for asking. I posted all about it soon after it happened -- thought I would be done talking about it by now but in some ways I feel like it is just hitting me.

 

We were together for 20 months -- a serious year and a half. He had been off and on with his ex for about a year but steady with her (engaged in fact) for about two years before that. They had broken up "for good" a couple of months before we met.

 

He swore up and down that he was done with her, and would never leave me for her. He really pursued me being his serious girlfriend and was very much in love with me. In fact, he told me he wouldn't leave me at all literally one day before he actually did leave. The feelings had been gradually coming back for a couple of months before he finally shared that with me. I knew something was bothering him but I didn't know what it was.

 

Even then he swore it did not affect us at all, that we were fine . . . A week later, he said he had to go see her, felt like that chapter ofhis life had not been finished, blah, blah, blah.

 

It gutted me like a fish. I have never felt so destroyed by anything. We talked a lot and he basically said he felt like he was in love with both of us, but . . . he just had to be sure he was done with her.

 

And he wasn't done, because last I knew, 6 weeks ago, he was still seeing her . . .

 

How can this be? They were not compatible, as was proven by the off and on for a year business. And the two of us were so compatible . . .

 

It just defies logic and I don't understand how it could have happened.

[BCCA]

Old habbits die hard. She is an old, comfortable place for him to go. They know eachother, inside and out, and he was ready to marry this girl at one time. I suspect she ended things with him, and he was only completely done with her because that was his only choice at the time.

 

You were probably a victim of circumstances. Sure, he probably cared for you, but it was probably only a biproduct of him wanting to be over the ex and start something new. Be very wary of anyone who is less than 6 months to a year away from a serious relationship, most of them tend to go back and forth for a while, if not forever. I knew someone who was dating their bf for 10 years, back and forth, and every break up was the 'last one'.

 

Also, do yourself a favor, never look for reassurances from a bf. I know how it feels, youve just been told youre the greatest thing since sliced bread and your bf would never leave you. Feels great at the moment, so great that it clouds your judgement. Then, youre dumped the next minute and are wondering what happened. Here is the thing, where there is smoke, you better believe there is fire. So, your ex probably didnt know how things were going with his ex, and didnt want to lose out on both of you (especially since you could have been making this other girl a little jealous), so he waited until he had everything lined up to make the move. And truth be told, he only said what he did to keep you from asking too many questions or really thinking about it.

 

I'm sorry, the holidays are the worst for me, too. Just try and keep your head up as much as possible, and although its hard to see now, its better that this happened today and not 5 years from now.

[Eyeofthoth]

BCCA

 

Much of what you say is true, but not this:

 

"And truth be told, he only said what he did to keep you from asking too many questions or really thinking about it."

 

He encouraged me to ask all the questions I wanted to ask, but I didn't want to. In fact, he actually seemed to be wanting my advice. Wanting me to be his friend and stand back and be objective about the whole thing, while he was at the mercy of his conflicted feelings.

 

Not fair of course, and he knew that . . .

 

Also, I don't think he was looking to get into something deep just to get over her. I think he was dating to get over her, but not looking for something to jump into something serious. In fact, he was already dating someone else when we met, but he broke it off with her after I told him that I would give us a chance. So he had already had his "rebound."

 

The old shoe thing though, yes.

 

I have known people to go on an off for a long time, but to break up with someone for 2 years and have a very serious relationship in between and then go back?

 

As I said, I really believe that commitment problems are the basis here. He got nervous about how serious we were when he remembered that he had been engaged to someone else only a few years before.

 

Whatever, it is way messed up that is for sure.

[Anastasia0309]

Dunno, I so feel for you. I'm on the other side of the your situation. I'm the ex girlfriend and my ex did move on to a serious relationship within the year after we broke up and yes we were still very much talking and I had no idea about her. Anywho, he did fall very much in love with her and at first he was confused but it ended up that he wants to be with her but now she doesn't want to be with him. I still love him and he loves her. Yeah, pretty much a ****ty situation.

 

In the end all the thinking and writting and analyzing doesn't help the situation much. Although it does help keep us sane, right. LOL. If you all are meant to be it will be! If they are meant to be they will be. I'm sure you have the person your gonna be soooo happy with out there somewhere and maybe this had to happen so you could be available. Everything happens for a reason. It's pretty much his loss if he doesn't come back to you. Keep your head up women! I know it's tuff but your tuffer. LOL. If that's a word and if not well now it is. We are all here for you!

[Eyeofthoth]

Thanks, Anastasia --

 

I am trying not to waste any more time thinking about it and just let fate take it from here. Got no choice, y'know. I am just going to love him but leave him alone.

 

I feel for you too. Interesting how all of that A loves B who loves C stuff seems to go around and around sometimes.

 

I am putting all my energy into becoming a strong and self-reliant person now. I figure since all of us end up spending some time alone in our lives it is really valuable to learn how to do it happily.