flyerboy48 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Where do I begin...I need help to see if my ‘ex-girlfriend’ still wants me back or is just using me? Long story... We started dating in August of 2007. We knew each other for a couple of months before that. Everything was awesome. We saw each other every day. We talked on the phone to each other at least 4 times a day (sometimes it was just to say ‘hello’). We had a lot of fun. We both became close to each other’s families. We both became close to each other’s friends (except for her friend let’s call him Bob – a former boyfriend some 5 yrs earlier). Nothing seemed to be holding us back. Yeah we aggravated each other every now and then but nothing out of the ordinary. So after she finished her first year of nursing school in early May 2008 she wanted to go on vacation with this guy Bob (and supposedly his friends...I have never seen pictures, which makes me believe it was just them). She came back and everything was still fine. A couple weeks later my grandfather fell ill and passed and she was there for me every step of the way. A week after that she went to Disney World with her mom and family friends. She brought me back a nice engraved mug and other gifts. So on June 10, she called me and told me that she did not want to have a boyfriend anymore. Thing was I had seen her car at this guy Bob’s house many times. She would ignore my calls when she was with him and I knew that she was spending time with her during the day (when her mom wasn’t home). Back to June 10th...she just wanted to enjoy her last summer without having to ‘check in’ with a boyfriend. We talked a while that night and I asked her not to call me for a while. So what does she do the next morning? She calls me. We didn’t see each other for a week, then she invited me to her sister’s house to watch the College World Series...when we were leaving she made out with me. We started seeing each other again (almost everyday). It was as if we were still dating (minus intimacy). We would still talk on the phone multiple times a day sometimes for 30-40 minutes at night. We still went out to eat and still went to the movies (where one night she informed me again after we were growing close...it was her decision and we were still broken up). So...on July 3rd we went to see fireworks, on the 4th of July she went to her sister’s (where Bob was with her) then later that night she was at his house all night. I was not invited to her sister’s house although she was invited to my aunt’s house that day but didn’t want to come. That night we had another long conversation where she said she still loves and cares for me a lot and loves to hang out with me and loves my family. All summer she would make comments to me like...when you have children (if there mine or not)...ur wife (if I am her or not). Later in the summer, she came to me to the waterpark with my nieces. She came on a family vacation with me to Florida (I live in Louisiana). We go to church every Sunday ( still do). We still went out every weekend. She still kissed me on the lips — gave me hugs. She still sent me little notes saying ‘I miss you’, etc. Then one day I found out she asked Bob to go to her nieces’ party (costume party). I got real pissed as if I was being used all summer and early fall and decided not to talk to her for a while. This lasted 2 weeks when she decided to call me to meet and talk. I told her how I felt (like I was being used) told her that I thought she was dating Bob (one of her friends told me this as well). She said that she is not going to admit to something that was not true and she was not dating him. After the talk we end up seeing each other and talking to each other a whole lot. She hid that Bob went to the party with her. Since then she has been real flirty with me. Real nice to me. Went to my nieces party, nephews party, asked me just to hang out. Still kisses me on the lips, calls me just to say hey, calls me every morning/night, we still jog in the park everyday, we still go out every weekend. My sister asked me last week if we were still together! She still comes to family functions, takes me nieces out to movies. She has bought my parents and family Christmas gifts. Hell I am taking her brother-in-law to a sporting event later this week. From the Wednesday before Thanksgiving through that Sunday we spent every day together almost all day. She got into a huge fight with her mom and was on the phone with me for an hour and half. During that convo she mentioned that she knows that I get jealous when she mentions Bob but that he understands her and he got her through some very rough times and she just owes him the world. She used to never talk to me about things like her argument with her mom or open like that about Bob.....it was very refreshing to hear. The other day I told her about how a family friend asked if there was wedding bells in the future (not everyone knows we are broken up). Her response? Can’t your family just give us time...not, I’m not going to marry you. I just do not get it....we are not together but does she really want to be back together and just wants to wait until she finishes school? Is just playing us both? I am so confused. Should I wait?
BCCA Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 First, let me just say that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You seem like a decent guy, and I'm sure this sucks really bad right now. Write this down, sharpee it on your wall, get a tatoo..whatever it takes, listen to this very carefully: DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR!!! I can tell that 'bob' has been a thorn in your side, and you probably didnt like the idea of him being in the picture for some time, but what did you do about it? You let her push the envelope and get what she wanted from you without any answers. Listen to what youre saying, you let your GF go on a vacation with her ex without you? Dude, come on! Unfortunately, this is what I see the situation as (I'm really sorry, I wish I didnt have to tell you all this) Basically, Bob seems to be the one she wants to spend time with alone, out of town, while her mom is away, etc. I think you were kind of like an 'excitement factor' when they hung out, kind of like there was always the chance of getting caught. I dont know how else to say this, but I think shes been fooling around with him for a while. You, on the other hand, are the emotional support she needs. She can call you to say hi, know that you care, and that if she decided she wanted you back (or if Bob found someone else) you would be waiting. Together, you and Bob form a quasi-boyfriend for her, only its perfect because the effort required on her part is next to nothing, and she has two guys waiting on her. Think about what I said before, you let her get away with certain things while you were together that made her lose respect for you to the point of ending it. Thats not to say she wouldnt have dumped you if you called her out, but at least you wouldnt have wasted anymore time. Now, you've essentially let her have her cake and eat it, too for so long that she couldnt possibly imagine going back to where things were before. Why would she, she doesnt have to? I hate to say this to anyone, but I think she's been playing both sides of the field for too long. I would cut her out completely. If you want to take a stand for yourself, call her out. Say something like "I feel like youre just using me and seeing Bob at the same time, and things with us aren't going anywhere because youre happy being on both sides of the fence. Thats not fair to me, and I'm not interested in keeping in touch with you unless you can give me what I need and commit". I can almost PROMISE you her reaction is going to be to get pissed off, and try and make you question yourself. She's going to say youre being silly, paranoid, you shouldnt feel that way, etc... But what shes NOT going to say, probably, is "youre right, and im sorry" or "I didnt know you felt that way, what can I do to make you feel better". Its ALL going to be about why youre wrong, etc... The next hurdle is that you have to mean what you say. If she gives you a rash of crap, and you end up telling her to leave you alone - be strong, stick to your guns. Dont answer calls or even consider calling her. It will only make her feel more impowered. Dont reward bad behavior! I only realized after letting someone crap on me for 5 years, learn from my mistakes! I wish you the best man.
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