lexi29 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 My soon-to-be step son is 9. His parents were never married (never even lived together after he was born. His mom has been living with her 5 year old daughter's father for the last 7 years. He has six other kids that he does not support (he sees two of them) My fiance has custody of his son and his mom sees him every other weekend. We just went to a relocation hearing so we can move (mother wouldn't give us permission so we had to request a hearing) and the boy's mother didn't even show up. The judge granted us permission to move and threw in a clause that the mother must drive to our new house (25 minutes further drive) to pick her son up on her weekends. I believe the judge did this because she was discusted the mother didn't even bother to show up because we did not request this but will happily follow her ruling. Anyway I have noticed lately that my fiance's son is just exposed to way too much!! A few months ago he was talking about 'boobs" and saying girls on tv had a nice rack and we found out he was getting this from his mom and her boyfriend. Also his mom has guys over at the house when her boyfriend is at work and they take showers together (his son thinks his dad and I have never seen eachother naked because if I am in the shower and his dad goes in the bathroom to get something his son will say "close your eyes you didnt' look did you? And vice versa to me. His mom tells him not to tell her boyfriend about the various guys she brings over. We found texts on my fiance's son's cell phone where his mom texts him (she leaves him with a neighbor to go on dates with these guys such as last weekend) and she texted that "jon (her boyfriend" f*cked up my plans to go out with Rob (new guy) because he was supposed to go to work but called off. And she told him he couldn't come with them (he asked in a text) because Rob didn't like him (she only sees her son every other weekend!) Also recently I had a usb storage disk in my purse (an older one, thick black plastic) and my fiance's son asked me "is that a GPS tracking device? are you going to put that on dad's truck?" I was like WHAT? Like how does a 9 year old even know what a GPS tracking device is? I didn't till I looked it up online after he said that and my usb drive does look a little like one. Also last week in the middle of a fast food restaurant he told us about his aunt (his mom's sister) and how she has to wear an electronic ankle bracelet because she is on house arrest. He then asked us if we ever had to wear one. Then he told us how recently his mom had her boyfriend thrown in jail because they were throwing rocks at eachother and screaming and a neighbor called the police. He said his mom bailed her boyfriend out of jail the next day. Last night I was making dinner and I dropped butter all over the floor and yelled sh*t and I saw him standing there and said sorry I didn't mean to say that(we try not to cuss in front of him). And he just said "thats ok, I hear MUCH WORSE from mom and jon. They say all kinds of bad words all the time so don't worry about saying the "s" word in front of me. He also tells us he has to lie to his mom's boyfriend about where she is and now when either his dad or I tell him we will do something he always asks "are you lying to me?" And last night his dad and I were watching tv and I was getting ready to leave and my fiance asked if I was going straight home because the roads were bad and I said yeah and his son said "dad she's lying to you again". I have not lied about anything and my fiance asked his son what he meant and he said "she doesn't want to marry you so she probably has another boyfriend" and we both told him, no thats not true. Also I told him I would get him a movie he wanted because he got an A on his spelling test and he was all excited and then got worried and asked "are you sure you are not lying to me?" I got him the movie just like I promised and I have always followed thru on what I tell him. So does his dad. What can we do to counteract the damage his mother is causing? I mean he's only 9 and he seems like he knows more than any 9 year old should.
amaysngrace Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I would get him into counseling. Maybe the three of you could do counseling. He needs to learn to trust someone in his life and he's currently having doubts. He will probably need counseling to help him erase those doubts. A child counselor can help you with all the issues he is having and help you to address them properly.
2sure Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 Grrr. I know, I know. My ex and his gf and friends smoke pot. She visits there 2 X a month for 48 hours. You would think he could refrain or at least use discretion during that short period. She knows, it upsets her, she worries. And the pot is the least of it. At my home, new H and I are pretty conservative. We dont do anything illegal, have nothing to hide. Upstanding you might say. I dont mind so much that her father is irresponsible, neglectful, etc. I am basically ok with him not being a role model or supporting her or contributing to her growth as a person. What I cant stand is the fact, that ok - you arent going to help. BUT DO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT WORSE?? Since he so inept, I feel like we have to be 10X as perfect to, like you say, counteract. Its a big responsibility, I'm human, I'm not perfect. The only good thing I can tell you is that if you remain consistant, take the high road, provide a good example and live it...the child will become the person raised in your home. The exes home is a great example to my daughter on how NOT to live, how NOT to succeed. She loves him, feels sympathy for him, is even a little protective of him ...but has no respect for him and more often finds excuses not to see him.
SierraRose Posted December 4, 2008 Posted December 4, 2008 First, get the child into counseling. Second, start a log; write everything down. Save the text messages-if there are e-mails, save and print them. When you feel you have sufficient enough information, then take his mother to court. Request the court to suspend visitation with the mother until she gets into counseling, completes parenting classes, etc...then agree to supervised visitation when you feel comfortable. This kid is in a bad situation, intervene before it's too late. What does his dad say to all this?
Author lexi29 Posted December 5, 2008 Author Posted December 5, 2008 First, get the child into counseling. Second, start a log; write everything down. Save the text messages-if there are e-mails, save and print them. When you feel you have sufficient enough information, then take his mother to court. Request the court to suspend visitation with the mother until she gets into counseling, completes parenting classes, etc...then agree to supervised visitation when you feel comfortable. This kid is in a bad situation, intervene before it's too late. What does his dad say to all this? Been there, done that. The court system does NOTHING. My fiance took his ex to court because she was neglecting their son (never came to see him etc) abusing him (mental abuse) and he had an attorney who requested that the child's mother have supervised visitation. The boy's mother didn't even show up for the court case (though it was rescheduled for her). The judge was presented with all the evidence (called most of it heresay) and denied supervised visitation. Instead gave physical custody to my my fiance (his son already lived with him anyway) and every other weekend visitation to the mother. (and back then he presented to the judge that his ex's boyfriend let his son watch porn with him when he was five years old) The judge said this was heresay. We just had a relocation hearing the mother again did not show up (even though she would not give us permission to move). she has a myspace page where she talks about the personal porn movies she makes for guys and how she is bisexual and then she has pics of her kids (including her five year old daughter posing in a bathing suit with a caption of "arent' I hot!" and talks about how her kids are her life and has both kid's birthdays listed on her page (even though she "pretends" to forget her son's birthday every year!) We have copies of that but her page is no longer public. We used to save the text messages but no judge is going to take a kid away from his mother for the use of the word "f@ck in a single text message. also after the custody hearing in 2006 both parents were REQUIRED to attend parenting classes. My fiance attended his and filed his completion certificate with the court. His ex did NOT attend and has not to this day. The court is aware of this but obviously does not care. My fiance has given thought to taking her back to court but it costs several thousand dollars (and she does not pay any child support so he really doesnt have any extra money) and when he took her in 2006 he thought for sure he would get full custody because she hadn't even seen her son in 8 months! (her choice), she had moved out of state and never even told my fiance where she was moving to, so back then she had more that the court could hold against her. Now she sees him every assigned weekend, he normally wants to see her (on a day off from school he sent her a text message saying I love you to her.) My fiance does not want to put him in counseling. Mainly because he feels kids do not need it. He thinks that kids who go to counseling are aware they are different and have problems and this just causes more problems. Also neither one of us can afford it and his son has no medical insurance (he will if we get married) I have considered anonomously calling children's services on the boy's mother, pretending to be a neighbor or someone who has heard and seen parts of the situation. The ex's house is filthy and a mess so they might at least do an investigation. But as far as taking her back to court I really don't think anything would change unless there were actual charges brought against her. the only thing my fiance and I can do at this point is try to make his life as normal (and free of drugs and violence and crazy drama) so he might grow up to see this as normal rather than what his mother and her family do.
2sure Posted December 5, 2008 Posted December 5, 2008 I have considered anonomously calling children's services on the boy's mother, pretending to be a neighbor or someone who has heard and seen parts of the situation. The ex's house is filthy and a mess so they might at least do an investigation. But as far as taking her back to court I really don't think anything would change unless there were actual charges brought against her. Do it. In most states, once a report is made - and most are done anonymously - they HAVE to investigate. A squalor like house and anything else they may find , including the the disposition of the parent - is noted and they will do a repeat visit. This CAN be effective, as there will be a recommendation to the court. The only thing you need to be aware of is that she may know it was you and turn around and make the same call and they could come to your house. This is not a bad thing - if they find your home clean and stable.
Kenyth Posted December 16, 2008 Posted December 16, 2008 It is VERY difficult to get the courts to suspend visitation rights. The child has to be in physical danger to even get their attention. Parental rights supercede moral concerns almost every time. My recommendation? Start getting child support immediately. You can then use it as a bartering tool. You'll agree to a lesser amount if the kid doesn't get exposed to her sordid details, or if she sees him less. I know it sounds underhanded to do so, and it pains me to say it, but you do what you gotta do.
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