need support for tonight- feel like i've lost my centerr

[mytruelove]

hi all, i'm supposed to see my guy tonight and i don't exactly know how to handle it.

 

i haven't seen him in a while because he has been pretty distant and cold since he broke up with the ex girlfriend. he did some things that hurt me, but they have not been brought up yet. i don't know whether to bring them up and maybe have a difficult night, or just stuff it for now and try to live in the moment.

 

i honestly don't know what i will do tonight if he is still very cold and matter of fact. i know i can't take much more hurt or rejection. i don't expect it will be a long meeting as he has already stated he does not want to stay late.

 

the things that need discussed is that he snapped at me in front of his friend. he snapped at me a time after that on the phone. i feel hurt because he is pushing me away like it is nothing and has treated me like i was just another woman. he is angry and depressed and i feel like he is taking it out on me. i did not do it to him. i am not any one of his ex's. i feel like he was disrepectful and i was truly insulted.

 

when he acts like this i clam up. i was so confident and so sure of everything. i feel like i have lost my center. i guess i'm nervous about seeing him. maybe it will all come back and be okay when i see him. i don't know.

 

i really don't know where things stand with us right now because we don't talk about it. there is a lot of hurt that is just not being discussed.

 

i don't know if i just give it more time and maybe i am expecting too much. i know i want a real relationship with him. i don't even know how to discuss this with him.

 

any advice or help?

 

i'm scared of losing him and i miss the way things were before he withdrew. i don't know if it is temporary or permanent.

[wildsoul]

I'm thinking that it might be wisest to be in the moment. HOWEVER, if he starts treating you poorly in the moment, to respond differently than your usual "clamming up."

 

In fact, you might have a plan for that, because if you don't, then you might be tempted to then throw the past ones you've been stuffing at him too.

 

So I'm suggesting a middle path: don't rehash the past, and don't continue to stuff your feelings. Be in the moment in a way that is both open-hearted, but willing to let him know if you don't like how he's treating you.

[LucreziaBorgia]

How do you think a real relationship with him will change things? Are you sure they might not end up worse?

[jwi71]

i don't know if i just give it more time and maybe i am expecting too much. i know i want a real relationship with him. i don't even know how to discuss this with him.

 

any advice or help?

 

i'm scared of losing him and i miss the way things were before he withdrew. i don't know if it is temporary or permanent.

 

My advice will not change from your last thread.

 

TALK TO HIM.

 

Its almost as if your feelings don't matter to you. He gets cold, withdrawn and verbally aggressive and you - clam up and withdraw. HE walks away leaving you in the COLD.

 

So the fear wins. The fear of acting or speaking or not acting or not speaking. So afraid you will drive him off. Yet unhappy because he isn't meeting your needs and expectations.

 

If you cannot talk to him, cannot express your needs now - when? When will you decide to talk to him? Will you wait until you are sooo frustrated and angry that the R has little chance?

 

OR will you fight your FEARS and stand up for YOURSELF and your FEELINGS.

 

I say talk to him.

[mytruelove]

ws, i was hoping you were around you make so much sense and are so wise and strong

 

"So I'm suggesting a middle path: don't rehash the past, and don't continue to stuff your feelings. Be in the moment in a way that is both open-hearted, but willing to let him know if you don't like how he's treating you. "

 

that makes more sense than anything i've come up with so far. thank you!!! so be in the moment and just let things happen, but if the treatment continues tonight to be able to respond with feeling messages and open heartedness, but if he seems to be acting okay then let it be and just enjoy the time i have with him.

 

if he makes any comments that i find hurtful. i will tell him that it hurts me. i do need to plan for this your right.

 

do you think i should just let him take the lead? i don't want to force anything, but my needs are not getting met at the moment. kwim? it's like he is down and it is all about him, so we both can't be down because i know that is disaster to a relationship, so i have to be up. however, i am scared and hurting also. make sense? i guess the stronger person at the time has to be the stronger person right?

 

not that he is not trying cause he seems to be and is really taking a kinda of "whatever you say" "if you say so" kinda attitude with me right now.

 

i just know that him shutting down breaks my heart in little shattered pieces because it discards all the progress made in our relationship in my being able to get him to open up and trust and all the work i have put into it.

 

luc - that is the thing. we are walking such a fine line right now and i do wonder if it is better to try and keep the connection right now or to take a break until things are better at the same time not wanting to risk losing him. i just know i can't be hurt anymore right now, if that is what he is going to do, then i have to walk.

 

i honestly think both of us are scared to say anything at the moment. i don't think he wants to say anything that puts a complete end to our relationship and i don't either, but that leaves us not communicating and stuffing and communication and openness are usually our strong point. we are usually really good stating how we feel and stuffing it creates a huge distance between us.

[mytruelove]

JW "So the fear wins. The fear of acting or speaking or not acting or not speaking. So afraid you will drive him off. Yet unhappy because he isn't meeting your needs and expectations." ....when i read this i really see how i have nothing to lose really. i'm so terrified of pushing him away or him putting an end to the whole relationship, but if i don't say how i feel there is NO relationship.

 

i haven't let fear take over this relationship yet and i can't now.

 

your whole post makes so much sense. your right. if i don't talk to him i will end up resentful and eventually it will all come out in a tyrade and that will end the relationship. i end up feeling lost and out in the cold.

 

i just don't want to complicate things more than necessary as he has already said i am.

[wildsoul]

....when i read this i really see how i have nothing to lose really. i'm so terrified of pushing him away or him putting an end to the whole relationship, but if i don't say how i feel there is NO relationship.

BINGO!

 

You've got to be yourself. So while sometimes we suck it up because our partner is under stress, you can't always do that or it's not healthy.

 

Not to cast a dark shadow, but that was the dynamic that kicked off the blowout I had w/ my guy last week. He was being a passive agressive a** on Friday night, and I was angry over it. I could feel the intense expectation that I was supposed to overcompensate for him being upset over the T-day dilemma. When he was being jerky on Sunday night, my irritation came out. That's when he went into a rage. [sarcasm] Oops! I wasn't supposed to express any negative emotions.[/sarcasm] I don't like how it turned out, but the game was exposed, and I'm glad I'm not playing it by his rules anymore!

 

Hopefully Mino will chime in, too. Her guy separated a little before mine did. Her experience with him being sullen and difficult was a signpost for me. There are a few others here who've gone thru dating a separated man who's moods start turning foul. It's one thing to be their support, but quite another when they start taking it out on you. I think it's unreasonable for them to expect you to be miss mary sunshine all the time. Moreover, I think it's unreasonable for you to expect that of yourself.

[Mino]

BINGO!

 

You've got to be yourself. So while sometimes we suck it up because our partner is under stress, you can't always do that or it's not healthy.

 

Not to cast a dark shadow, but that was the dynamic that kicked off the blowout I had w/ my guy last week. He was being a passive agressive a** on Friday night, and I was angry over it. I could feel the intense expectation that I was supposed to overcompensate for him being upset over the T-day dilemma. When he was being jerky on Sunday night, my irritation came out. That's when he went into a rage. [sarcasm] Oops! I wasn't supposed to express any negative emotions.[/sarcasm] I don't like how it turned out, but the game was exposed, and I'm glad I'm not playing it by his rules anymore!

 

Hopefully Mino will chime in, too. Her guy separated a little before mine did. Her experience with him being sullen and difficult was a signpost for me. There are a few others here who've gone thru dating a separated man who's moods start turning foul. It's one thing to be their support, but quite another when they start taking it out on you. I think it's unreasonable for them to expect you to be miss mary sunshine all the time. Moreover, I think it's unreasonable for you to expect that of yourself.

Hi WS, you called? Hi mytruelove, I know exactly how you feel. My sm is also on his rollercoaster. Its will be almost 5 months, But here is what I would tell you, refuse to walk on eggshells. I have always been very verbal with my feelings. When i am hurt, or dissapointed, he WILL know about it. You know I tried to keep it in too, not wanting to upet him, but I just never had that "control" in me. I can last a whole 10 minutes, then it just erupts, like a volcano!! There are many times where I had the fear that i am slowly killing off our R with these "talks". He always looks uncomfortable, but i needed them to keep my sanity. Soooo, I never held back, figuring if I destroy us during my process, so be it.. I need to vent and share my thoughts and feelings. Hey I fugured this, his w and him never talked, and look where it got them. I need comunication in my R. So that is your right as the ow, to SPEAK, don't ever forget it. And if it gets on his nerves, so what, he put you in this place. Also what I have observed is that these "talks " are also good for him, these type of men are masters at sweeping everything away, so by having these sessions, its also allows them to look at their feelings and air out some of their hurts, dissapointments, stress...ect. It can be very healing for them. Sometimes, I need these talks every other day! And I must say he has become a much better comunicator because of them:love: So start talking, my true love... it is so imprtant for you to get out these feelings and let him know what your feeling. Will he run to your side and comfort you, nooooo, not always, he needs time to process, and he will learn to share more of his feelings in the process, but its the only way to a heathly r... JMO:)

[Mino]

Cant remember, is your guy a sm? and if so how long? If he is he does need his time. I have basically taken one day at a time, if he is in a depressed mood, I leave him alone. If they are "moody" on that day, excuse yourself, and do your own thing. Pull back a day or so, he will come around,

[mytruelove]

his friend was there. he told me on the phone that he would be there, so i was prepared. i wasn't caught off guard like the last time. i paid more attention to the friend than i did him.

 

i was actually proud of myself. i didn't allow myself to get flustered or shut down. i kept being sweet and authenitcally myself.

 

he then did something that wasn't appropriate and i was prepared (thanks WS) i kept my cool, but let him know in my own subtle way that it wasn't going to fly with me.

 

towards the end he was saying how he was tired and just wanted to go home. i asked what i did and he said nothing that when i call he has a bunch of people around because he is at work. i said well maybe we can talk at night then. he said he didn't want a relationship right now...that he had ended it with her and he was content with that. i told him that i think that we need NOT talk about a relationship at all right now and just be us because every time we talk about it HE hurts ME.

 

YES, i actually told him he was hurting me. he seemed kinda shocked. he then asked me what it was that i wanted him to say.....i said i don't know and shook my head. i then said i was going home. i left with a smile and waved goodbye to him.

 

i really think he expected or wanted me to beg or plead with him. nope not this time.

 

mino, yes he is a sm. he broke up with his ex girlfriend and she was out of his house three weeks ago.

 

i'm thinking right now i just might take some time. as you said, let him process as i have actually given him a lot to think about lately. my email to him thanking him was actually a lot to process and i think he needs time to realize his actions towards me and the way he has been treating me badly lately and how much it has hurt me. he really owes me an apology. i just haven't been patient enough to allow enough time for it to happen or for him to come to me on his own.

 

i'm tired now. i want to respond more tomorrow because all of your replies have been really insightful. thanks for helping me with tonight.

[Mino]

mytruelove, three weeks is still fresh, best thing to do is give him time to miss you... pull back. this process can go for a long time, I think the more we sit next to them and hold their hand, the worse it gets. Not fair... huh? It does not feel very good when they are in their mood, because they can be cold,and withdrawn, which we pick up as rejection..But I think you should not take it personal, he is dealing with himself at the moment. ALL his energy is going to himself, with nothing really to give to you. He cant till he has gone through this healing. Do LC, dont call, let him call you, be busy sometimes, keep yourself busy, and hopefully as time goes on, he will start moving back to himself and towards you again, I have seen progress in mine, but sometimes i think he takes 3 steps forward, and then 2 steps back... Can get very confusing because you think he is further along then he really is. Can you take a vacation? That would be ideal...if possible. Oh and if he says he does not want a r at the moment, i would go totally NC, at least for a while...and no crying, begging, or pleading, in front of him, no matter how you feel, come at him with strength... good luck! p.s Disclaimer: not sure of the outcome, since I am still in the middle myself, you never know what tomorrow brings:o

[mytruelove]

wow, would i like to take a vacation. of course, taking a vacation over the summer and being away from him a week and missing him so much only led to me losing my good sense -lol. i'm afraid i have to stay here and face this one head on. no going over or under it...have to go through it.

 

you make such an awesome point about them needing to hear how we feel and learn from it and them needing it as much as we do. i also think it is very important for them to know how their actions effect someone else.

 

i really want to be able eventually to put it all together and be able to clearly express it to him in a productive way.

 

right now i am just so darn angry, hurt, upset and plain tired of being the one that has to put forth the effort, that i can't see past it. i feel really disrespected,insulted, devalued, and discounted.

 

again, the fine line, saying too little too late, or saying too much. my usual course of action is to wait until the raw emotion subsides and see what it leaves me with. i am so afraid that this time i will be left with nothing once it does that's not what i want. i don't want that because i really do have feelings for him and can't imagine him not being a part of my life or not seeing him anymore.

 

i'm really not happy with his way of handling things right now though. i do not feel like he is dealing with things in an open upfront real way which i would like to see from him.

 

now that i see this, i have to reevaluate his character and reevaluate myself. not fun, when i've always thought the world of this person even with his faults. i'm afraid i've been blinded by love for a long time.

 

i would love to know how you all think of how i handled things last night?

 

and i'm truly lost as to where to go from here. except to focus on myself and getting things straightened out in my own life.

[wildsoul]

I think it sounds like you handled things really well last night.

 

What I'm noticing most of all is how YOU are the one now reevaluating, whereas before it seemed you were very locked into waiting for him to choose. Seems very healthy to me!

[Mino]

I agree with ws, you handled the other night right, let him wonder for a change where your heart is;)