Charles1978 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 So now that I'm done with my previous situation that I posted about here, another situation with another girl has me looking for more advice. You all were helpful before, so I'm posting again. The whole time I was dealing with the other girl, there was a second girl I would see out from time to time. She was always very flirty. Long story short... the other night, she took me aside and told me she has a huge crush on me. It would have been very easy to hook up with her then. She asked me to go home with her. But here is the problem... she has a boyfriend. I have been cheated on before. When that happened, I told myself that I would never put anyone in that horrible situation... even people I don't know and have never met. So after she threw herself at me several times, I finally had to tell her that I can't get involved with a girl who is in a relationship. I never told her the reasons why. But it is also so that I don't get hurt. Suppose I get attatched, and she cuts things off because of her relationship? She then tells me that if she stays with him, she will have to move to a different city because he is going to have to move in a few months. She also said that she is the type who believes that things happen for a reason, and that she didn't want to regret not telling me how she feels. So, we stepped back a bit. But, of course, we've fallen back into the same routine... flirting, meeting up from time to time... not alone though. We're always with friends. (except one time, and we had a blast together) And I can tell that she still wants me. She makes it pretty obvious. She asked me to go home with her AGAIN the other night. Anyway, I'm rambling. So what should I do? My friends tell me not to worry about her having a boyfriend. But I cannot bring myself to ignore it. I think I am doing the right thing. But now she wants to meet up again. And she tells me that there are "a lot of things that she wants to tell me" about how she feels about me. Should I cut this off before it goes too far?
Gremio Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I can't believe you're really asking this. Obviously she has issues. She doesn't "have to" move because she is in a relationship with someone. She can make her own choices. It's obvious (based on your story) she is a weak person. Secondly, if she is willing to cheat on him, do you really want someone like her? Of course she would do it to you when she got tired of you.
reservoirdog1 Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I don't think you're wrong to be asking this. Here's a girl you're obviously attracted to, who wants you badly. Why not sleep with her? Answer: because your conscience won't let you. I think it's quite admirable that you've not given in to your urges. I don't fault you for being torn; we're all human, after all. It's not wrong to have urges and desires. What separates us from rest of the animal kingdom is that we have a conscience and self control, to keep those urges and desires in check. You're displaying both self control and a conscience, and I commend you for that. You're doing the right thing. A few red flags, however: 1. Your friends all telling you to ignore the fact that she has a boyfriend and bang her. In my view, that says quite a bit about your friends. 2. Her eagerness to do the nasty with you, despite having a boyfriend. On that point, I agree with Gremio -- whether you end up sleeping with her or not (hopefully after she's dumped her BF), do NOT get into a relationship with her. If she's so willing and eager to cheat with you, she probably won't hesitate to cheat ON you later. 3. If you sleep with her, be sure to armour up. Given her apparent proclivities, that girl could be a bigger walking germ farm than that monkey in "Outbreak".
kashmir Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 This always boils down to your conscious. Obviously you don't want a relationship with this kind of girl, because you're only asking for trouble, but sleeping with her will bring no harm to you (unless the boyfriend is out of his mind psycho and violent). The only harm you will cause will be your own, whether you think what you did was acceptable to you or not. I was once out with a girl and her friends. This girl was clearly attracted to me, but she had a boyfriend. By the end of the night, we had a one-on-one talk, and she came out and just kissed me. I pushed her away at first, but something drew me back and we kissed some more. I stopped myself quickly and regretted that I gave into that urge. We decided to write it off as a drunken mistake that would never be spoken of again. Well, this girl turned out to be a total b***h. She was rude and nasty to me, and her boyfriend wasn't much better. Now I kinda wish I kept going that time, because I clearly don't care for her or her boyfriend's issues or feelings now, and if I went for it back then I would have milked more out of the opportunity than I actually did. It's the flip of a coin pretty much. You could be cheating with someone who totally deserves the burden of guilt and a boyfriend who deserves no better. Or you could be crushing a decent guy who has no idea what his cheating girlfriend is doing. In general, I think the safer and more moral road is to just walk away from the start. Compare it to this - I'm into collecting and tinkering with junk, so when someone is getting rid of an old appliance or something, I love taking it to experiment with. Say I drive by and see a refrigerator in front of a house that says "Free, please take," I'll feel no guilt about taking it. Now say I pass by another house that also has a refrigerator sitting out front, but with no sign or indication that it's meant to be taken. Obviously I'm not going to take it, because that could be stealing. It could be that the owners don't care about it, but it also could be that they do. My conscious tells me not to do that because there's a probability that my actions will be immoral, even if it's likely that my actions will not be against my values.
Author Charles1978 Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 Actually, to be totally honest, I might not have a problem hooking up with her. I probably wouldn't still, but it would be easier if she didn't tell me what she told me. She told me that she doesn't want to move and wants to see what could happen with us. Now, right off the bat, that's some heavy stuff to be telling a guy you've really only known for a month or so. On top of that, a guy you really don't know at all... just infatuated with. I don't know... but when you add it all up... she's a party girl, I'm sure she's a cheater... it all points to me avoiding this situation. I knew my intuition was correct. I just wanted to get a few opinions first. Thanks
Author Charles1978 Posted December 3, 2008 Author Posted December 3, 2008 So a friend of mine called me tonight and told me that she was out this weekend and ended up talking about me the whole night. Asking questions, telling everybody how she feels, etc. I was out of town, so I wasn't there. Anyway, she told my friend that she is willing to drop everything, break up with the boyfriend, etc just to be with me. This is freaking me out a bit. At the heart of the matter, I just don't see myself with her. Problem is, they told her again that I will not consider it until she is single. And that if she wants to have a shot, she should break up first. So, when I heard this, I realized... I need to tell her something. We do get along great, but I don't want her to do this. I'm just not that interested. She obviously sees me as a whole lot more than just a hookup. Should I let her know that I heard what she is planning to do? That I am nowhere near as sure of the future as she is? Seriously, the pressure is going to be too much... there is too much involved here, IMO. I don't know what I did to get her so attatched. I've only seen her a handful of times! I'm just guessing she isn't happy in her relationship. I don't really know what to do.
Ruby Slippers Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 Good for you for having some principles! Gives me some hope for men in this mean old world. And yeah, would you really want to get involved with someone looking to cheat? As for her growing crush, I wouldn't do anything. If she's considering breaking up with her guy to try things out with you, she'd be very foolish to do so without making sure you're into it first. That's on her, not you.
shockandawed Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 So a friend of mine called me tonight and told me that she was out this weekend and ended up talking about me the whole night. Asking questions, telling everybody how she feels, etc. I was out of town, so I wasn't there. Anyway, she told my friend that she is willing to drop everything, break up with the boyfriend, etc just to be with me. This is freaking me out a bit. At the heart of the matter, I just don't see myself with her. Problem is, they told her again that I will not consider it until she is single. And that if she wants to have a shot, she should break up first. So, when I heard this, I realized... I need to tell her something. We do get along great, but I don't want her to do this. I'm just not that interested. She obviously sees me as a whole lot more than just a hookup. Should I let her know that I heard what she is planning to do? That I am nowhere near as sure of the future as she is? Seriously, the pressure is going to be too much... there is too much involved here, IMO. I don't know what I did to get her so attatched. I've only seen her a handful of times! I'm just guessing she isn't happy in her relationship. I don't really know what to do. Charles, You know what to do, you have already said as much and you know what your brain is telling you. You have no reason to owe her any type of explanation. She is the one with the issues. If she wants to break up with her boyfriend so she has a chance with you, then that is her decision alone. You are not obligated to oblige in any way. Her character is severely flawed and is showing classic signs of being a narcissist. She is announcing to her friends or yours that she is planning to break up so she can be with you? Quite presumptuous of her don't you think? You have realized she doesn't even know you well enough to feel this strongly. Guess what, you are right. She is unhappy about something in her relationship and is looking for a safety net.
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 We do get along great, but I don't want her to do this. I'm just not that interested. The sooner you tell her this, the better.
roxy_1980 Posted December 3, 2008 Posted December 3, 2008 She's one of those people that needs the new BF in place before she breaks up with the old. She will never outgrow the "if I find something better" syndrome. Run!
Author Charles1978 Posted December 9, 2008 Author Posted December 9, 2008 Well, her and three of her friends came out and met two friends of mine and I last night. She spent all of her time with me. She continued to say some alarming things... After a while, she once again freaked me out. She said that all of her friends love me and want her to break up with her boyfriend and date me. She then tells me that she has never felt like this, even with her b/f. Now, we have done NOTHING. Not even a kiss. Yes, we get along great. And I can tell that she is smitten. But I once again tried to end it there. I told her that she shouldn't be telling me this... especially since she has a b/f. She then asked me why I ignored her after her telling me these things. And I repeated what I told her earlier. She then got mad, sad and everything in between. She wouldn't talk to me. That was ok with me, but her behavior is just weird. She even gets jealous when I talk to other girls. One time she said... "I can tell... she wants to have sex with you". WHAT THE!!?? I think I may have finally gotten through to her though. We'll see.
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