serialgf Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 god i don't know how it took me so long to figure this out but.. i recently realized that i'm dating a serial boyfriend! is this a problem? so i'm 28 and for the past year or so i've been having the marriage itch... like i want to get married.... it's the reason i broke up with my bf of six years 1+ year ago (he NEVER wants to get married). since then, i dated a guy who i now realize was more of a rebound relationship (fun intellectually challenged heavy metal musician). we lasted about a year til i finally had enough fun times and wanted a more serious relationship. well now for the past 2+ months i've been dating a 36 year old artist who i really love. he's super smart, concerned about world issues, kind, funny, cute, sweet, etc. our relationship is great -he is the most open guy i've ever met, let alone dated. it's obvious, and we've discussed, that he is very much long term relationship minded (as am i). there are a couple of personal issues that we are dealing with but this is the most stable, loving relationship i have ever had -it's great. my problem is that i've been feeling lately, since i realized that he is a serial boyfriend (like he always has a long term girlfriend - he's had three for 5+ years each the last being 8 years!) that i feel insecure as to whether he is going to actually want to MARRY me someday, or is he just following some sort of long term dating protocol that's just his default setting.... i know i just made him sound like a computer, but does anyone know what i'm saying here?!?!? here's an example: we've both been low on cash lately. His car has been in the shop for the last three weeks getting the engine rebuilt, which is costing him a lot of mulah and he hasn't been able to drive to his house which is a little out of town so he's been staying at my house. I've really enjoyed this time and i think he has too and i've brought up a couple of times the idea of him moving in with me to save cash. He said that if he didn't have a lease that ends in april he would. During this conversation I told him I've only lived with one of my boyfriends and he said "I've lived with every girlfriend I've had..." This statement made me feel icky and i believe i expressed this to him at some point in the same conversation and he did apologize and said it probably wasn't the most appropriate thing to say... But anyway, has anyone been in a similar situation? If so, how do i know if he might actually want to marry me or if i'm just the next 5 year girlfriend?????? When you're dating a guy who DOESN'T have commitment issues, how do you know if he thinks you're "the one"? Does this make any sense?! HELP:o
2sure Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 You are both adults and have discussed your previous relationships, like most people do. Has the subject of marriage never come up? I mean, even when you were first dating werent there any conversatrions that went: How come you never married? Were you ever close or engaged? Do you envision yourself being married someday? If you did have this conversation, then you have your answers. If you havent, now would be a good time.
amaysngrace Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 I would do what 2sure says. Talk to him. And don't worry about the double posts. The mods have nothing better to do with their time anyway. :laugh:
Author serialgf Posted December 2, 2008 Author Posted December 2, 2008 You are both adults and have discussed your previous relationships, like most people do. Has the subject of marriage never come up? I mean, even when you were first dating werent there any conversatrions that went: How come you never married? Were you ever close or engaged? Do you envision yourself being married someday? If you did have this conversation, then you have your answers. If you havent, now would be a good time. wow thanks for your super fast response! i really appreciate your insight... yes we have had conversations on the topic. the first time i ever talked to him alone, well before we started dating, i actually asked him about his marital status (i guess i was subconsciously gathering info)... i asked him how old he is (36) so i asked him if he'd ever been married (surprisingly he said NO) and i asked him if he had kids (also surprisingly NO). i was surprised because most guys his age in my town are either divorced or have kids, or both.... anyway, more recently i asked if he had ever asked anyone to marry him, to which he said NO. he did say that he thought he and his last girlfriend (of 8 years) would get married, but she started acting psychotic and abusive at around the 2.5 year mark so that showed him their relationship was kinda doomed, even though he ended up staying with her for so long afterwards (he describes himself as ridiculously loyal to the point that she was pretty blatantly cheating on him) he now says he is disillusioned with the idea of passion/romance because of his horrible last relationship, but that he still very much values and wants a life partnership. recently (and i posted about this in the DATING section) he drunkenly told me that if i'm patient with him (meaning about his emotional issues left over from his abusive ex) in time he thinks he would make a good husband. i thought this was so sweet of him to say, though drunk.... so that's what's been discussed on the topic... it still leaves me just as confused as ever... can you find any answers?? thanks 2sure!
movingonandon Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 The only way he would marry you is if you concentrate on having a great relationship that he'd want to solidify via marriage. The second a guy senses that a girl is *on a mission* to get married (sorry, but that's you), he will withdraw and perhaps leave, even if things are going well at the moment. This is likely to happen even if he's actually thinking about marriage. The point is that men these days are aware that women view marriage in a lot more instrumental way than men do. I know, i know, i hear the uproar already. But, the point is that a guy will marry a woman he loves. A woman will marry a guy that's "good enough", even if she's not that into him.
2sure Posted December 2, 2008 Posted December 2, 2008 LOL. I remember reading on your other thread about his sweet remark regarding patience! You know, both of you are in the average span of years where you start thinking about the future, marriage, and families. Its Natural! I understand about no one wanting to be, or appear, pushy.... but this is life we're talking about here. Your questions are valid. Questions are not ultimatums. Why skirt the issue? Pressure is bad, nagging worse...but having a vague idea that you both have at least a similar visual on life and the future...is not a subject to be avoided. "I am patient. And I love you. I feel secure with our relationship. I have a little life plan I see for myself and I'd like to add you to my visual. If that isnt something you're sure about...thats OK. I want you to know I will never have regret regardless of how much time we spend together. "
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